As these Politicians of both Sides have already worked the Nation into a
most unnatural Ferment, I shall be so far from endeavouring to raise it
to a greater Height, that on the contrary, it shall be the chief
Tendency of my Papers, to inspire my Countrymen with a mutual Good-will
and Benevolence. Whatever Faults either Party may be guilty of, they are
rather inflamed than cured by those Reproaches, which they cast upon one
another. The most likely Method of rectifying any Man's Conduct, is, by
recommending to him the Principles of Truth and Honour, Religion and
Virtue; and so long as he acts with an Eye to these Principles, whatever
Party he is of, he cannot fail of being a good
Englishman
, and a Lover
of his Country.
As for the Persons concerned in this Work, the Names of all of them, or
at least of such as de
Sir
e it, shall be published hereafter: Till which
time I must entreat the courteous Reader to suspend his Curiosity, and
rather to consider what is written, than who they are that write it.
Having thus adjusted all necessary Preliminaries with my Reader, I shall
not trouble him with any more prefatory Discourses, but proceed in my
old Method, and entertain him with Speculations on every useful Subject
that falls in my Way.
Footnote 1:
Addison's papers are marked on the authority of Tickell.
Contents
|
From Friday, June 18, to Monday, June 21, 1714 |
Addison |
Quippe domum timet ambiguam, Tyriosque bilingues.
Virg.
translation
There is nothing, says Plato, so delightful, as the hearing or the
speaking of Truth
. For this Reason there is no Conversation so
agreeable as that of the Man of Integrity, who hears without any
Intention to betray, and speaks without any Intention to deceive.
Among all the Accounts which are given of
Cato
, I do not remember one
that more redounds to his Honour than the following Passage related by
Plutarch.
As an Advocate was pleading the Cause of his Client before
one of the Prætors, he could only produce a single Witness in a Point
where the Law required the Testimony of two Persons; upon which the
Advocate insisted on the Integrity of that Person whom he had produced:
but the Prætor told him, That where the Law required two Witnesses he
would not accept of one, tho' it were
Cato
himself. Such a Speech from
a Person who sat at the Head of a Court of Justice, while
Cato
was
still living, shews us, more than a thousand Examples, the high
Reputation this great Man had gained among his Contemporaries upon the
Account of his Sincerity.
When such an inflexible Integrity is a little softened and qualified by
the Rules of Conversation and Good-breeding, there is not a more shining
Virtue in the whole Catalogue of Social Duties. A Man however ought to
take great Care not to polish himself out of his Veracity, nor to refine
his Behaviour to the Prejudice of his Virtue.
Subject is exquisitely treated in the most elegant Sermon of the
great
British
Preacher
. I shall beg Leave to transcribe out of it
two or three Sentences, as a proper Introduction to a very curious
Letter, which I shall make the chief Entertainment of this Speculation.
'The old English Plainness and Sincerity, that generous Integrity of
Nature, and Honesty of Disposition, which always argues true Greatness
of Mind, and is usually accompanied with undaunted Courage and
Resolution, is in a great Measure lost among us.
'The Dialect of Conversation is now-a-days so swelled with Vanity and
Compliment, and so surfeited (as I may say) of Expressions of Kindness
and Respect, that if a Man that lived an Age or two ago should return
into the World again, he would really want a Dictionary to help him to
understand his own Language, and to know the true intrinsick Value of
the Phrase in Fashion; and would hardly, at first, believe at what a
low Rate the highest Strains and Expressions of Kindness imaginable do
commonly pass in current Payment; and when he should come to
understand it, it would be a great while before he could bring himself
with a good Countenance and a good Conscience, to converse with Men
upon equal Terms and in their own Way.'
I have by me a Letter which I look upon as a great Curiosity, and which
may serve as an Exemplification to the foregoing Passage, cited out of
this most excellent Prelate. It is
to have been written in King
Charles
II.'s Reign by the Ambassador of
Bantam
, a little after
his Arrival in
England.
Master,
'The People, where I now am, have Tongues further from their Hearts
than from London to Bantam, and thou knowest the Inhabitants of
one of these Places does not know what is done in the other. They call
thee and thy Subjects Barbarians, because we speak what we mean; and
account themselves a civilized People, because they speak one thing
and mean another: Truth they call Barbarity, and Falsehood Politeness.
Upon my first landing, one who was sent from the King of this Place to
meet me told me, That he was extremely sorry for the Storm I had met
with just before my Arrival. I was troubled to hear him grieve and
afflict himself upon my Account; but in less than a Quarter of an Hour
he smiled, and was as merry as if nothing had happened. Another who
came with him told me by my Interpreter, He should be glad to do me
any Service that lay in his Power. Upon which I deSir 'd him to carry
one of my Portmantaus for me, but instead of serving me according to
his Promise, he laughed, and bid another do it. I lodged, the first
Week, at the House of one, who deSir ed me to think my self at home,
and to consider his House as my own. Accordingly, I the next Morning
began to knock down one of the Walls of it, in order to let in the
fresh Air, and had packed up some of the Houshold-Goods, of which I
intended to have made thee a Present: But the false Varlet no sooner
saw me falling to Work, but he sent Word to deSir e me to give over,
for that he would have no such Doings in his House. I had not been
long in this Nation, before I was told by one, for whom I had asked a
certain Favour from the Chief of the King's Servants, whom they here
call the Lord-Treasurer, That I had eternally obliged him. I was so
surpriz'd at his Gratitude, that I could not forbear saying, What
Service is there which one Man can do for another, that can oblige him
to all Eternity! However I only asked him, for my Reward, that he
would lend me his eldest Daughter during my Stay in this Country; but
I quickly found that he was as treacherous as the rest of his
Countrymen.
'At my first going to Court, one of the great Men almost put me out of
Countenance, by asking ten thousand Pardons of me for only treading
by Accident upon my Toe. They call this kind of Lye a Compliment; for
when they are Civil to a great Man, they tell him Untruths, for which
thou wouldst order any of thy Officers of State to receive a hundred
Blows upon his Foot. I do not know how I shall negociate any thing
with this People, since there is so little Credit to be given to 'em.
When I go to see the King's Scribe, I am generally told that he is not
at home, tho' perhaps I saw him go into his House almost the very
Moment before. Thou wouldest fancy that the whole Nation are
Physicians, for the first Question they always ask me, is, how I do:
I have this Question put to me above a hundred times a Day. Nay, they
are not only thus inquisitive after my Health, but wish it in a more
solemn Manner, with a full Glass in their Hands, every time I sit with
them at Table, tho' at the same time they would perswade me to drink
their Liquors in such Quantities as I have found by Experience will
make me sick. They often pretend to pray for thy Health also in the
same Manner; but I have more Reason to expect it from the Goodness of
thy Constitution, than the Sincerity of their Wishes. May thy Slave
escape in Safety from this doubled-tongued Race of Men, and live to
lay himself once more at thy Feet in thy Royal City of Bantam.'
Footnote 1:
Tillotson. The Sermon 'Of Sincerity Towards God and Man.'
Works
,
Vol. II., p. 6, folio ed.
Footnote 2:
In 1682.
Contents
|
Wednesday, June 23, 1714 |
Addison |
Qui fit, Mæcenas, ut nemo, quam sibi sortem
Seu ratio dederit, seu fors objecerit, illa
Contentus vivat: laudet diversa sequentes?
O Fortunati mercatores, gravis annis
Miles ait, multo jam fractus membra labore!
Contra mercator, navim jactantibus austris,
Militia est potior. Quid enim? concurritur? horæ
Momenta cita mors venit, aut victoria læta.
Agricolam laudat juris legumque peritus,
Sub galli cantum consultor ubi ostia pulsat.
Ille, datis vadibus, qui rure extractus in urbem est,
Solos felices viventes clamat in urbe.
Cætera de genere hoc (adeo sunt multa) loquacem
Delassare valent Fabium. Ne te morer, audi
Quo rem deducam. Si quis Deus, en ego dicat,
Jam faciam quod vultis: eris tu, qui modo miles,
Mercator: tu consultus modo, rusticus. Hinc vos,
Vos hinc mutatis discedite partibus. Eja,
Quid statis? Nolint. Atque licet esse beatis.
Hor.
translation
It is a celebrated Thought of
Socrates
, that if all the Misfortunes of
Mankind were cast into a publick Stock, in order to be equally
distributed among the whole Species, those who now think themselves the
most unhappy, would prefer the Share they are already possess'd of,
before that which would fall to them by such a Division.
Horace
has
carried this Thought a great deal further in the Motto of my Paper,
which implies that the Hardships or Misfortunes we lye under, are more
easy to us than those of any other Person would be, in case we could
change Conditions with him.
As I was ruminating on these two Remarks, and seated in my Elbow-Chair,
I insensibly fell asleep; when, on a sudden, methought there was a
Proclamation made by
Jupiter
, that every Mortal should bring in his
Griefs and Calamities, and throw them together in a Heap. There was a
large Plain appointed for this Purpose. I took my Stand in the Center of
it, and saw with a great deal of Pleasure the whole human Species
marching one after another and throwing down their several Loads, which
immediately grew up into a prodigious Mountain that seemed to rise above
the Clouds.
There was a certain Lady of a thin airy Shape, who was very active in
this Solemnity. She carried a magnifying Glass in one of her Hands, and
was cloathed in a loose flowing Robe, embroidered with several Figures
of Fiends and Spectres, that discovered themselves in a Thousand
chimerical Shapes, as her Garment hovered in the Wind. There was
something wild and distracted in her Look. Her Name was
Fancy.
She led
up every Mortal to the appointed Place, after having very officiously
assisted him in making up his Pack, and laying it upon his Shoulders. My
Heart melted within me to see my Fellow-Creatures groaning under their
respective Burthens, and to consider that prodigious Bulk of human
Calamities which lay before me.
There were however several Persons who gave me great Diversion upon this
Occasion. I observed one bringing in a Fardel very carefully concealed
under an old embroidered Cloak, which, upon his throwing it into the
Heap, I discovered to be Poverty. Another, after a great deal of
puffing, threw down his Luggage; which, upon examining, I found to be
his Wife.
There were Multitudes of Lovers saddled with very whimsical Burthens
composed of Darts and Flames; but, what was very odd, tho' they sighed
as if their Hearts would break under these Bundles of Calamities, they
could not perswade themselves to cast them into the Heap when they came
up to it; but after a few faint efforts, shook their Heads and marched
away as heavy loaden as they came. I saw Multitudes of old Women throw
down their Wrinkles, and several young ones who stripped themselves of a
tawny Skin. There were very great Heaps of red Noses, large Lips, and
rusty Teeth. The Truth of it is, I was surpriz'd to see the greatest
Part of the Mountain made up of bodily Deformities. Observing one
advancing towards the Heap with a larger Cargo than ordinary upon his
Back, I found upon his near Approach, that it was only a natural Hump,
which he disposed of with great Joy of Heart among this Collection of
humane Miseries. There were likewise Distempers of all Sorts, tho' I
could not but observe, that there were many more Imaginary than real.
One little Packet I could not but take Notice of, which was a
Complication of all the Diseases incident to humane Nature, and was in
the Hand of a great many fine People: This was called the Spleen. But
what most of all surprized me, was a Remark I made, that there was not a
single [illegible] Folly thrown into the whole Heap: At which I was very
much astonished, having concluded within my self, that every one would
take this Opportunity of getting rid of his Passions, Prejudices, and
Frailties.
I took Notice in particular of a very profligate Fellow, who I did not
Question came loaden with his Crimes, but upon searching into his
Bundle, I found that instead of throwing his Guilt from him, he had only
laid down his Memory. He was followed by another worthless Rogue who
flung away his Modesty instead of his Ignorance.
When the whole Race of Mankind had thus cast their Burthens, the
Phantome
which had been so busie on this Occasion, seeing me an idle
Spectator
of what passed, approached towards me. I grew uneasy at her
Presence, when of a sudden she held her magnifying Glass full before my
Eyes. I no sooner saw my Face in it, but was startled at the Shortness
of it, which now appeared to me in its utmost Aggravation. The
immoderate Breadth of the Features made me very much out of Humour with
my own Countenance, upon which I threw it from me like a Mask. It
happened very luckily, that one who stood by me had just before thrown
down his Visage, which, it seems, was too long for him. It was indeed
extended to a most shameful length; I believe the very Chin was,
modestly speaking, as long as my whole Face. We had both of us an
Opportunity of mending our selves, and all the Contributions being now
brought in, every Man was at Liberty to exchange his Misfortune for
those of another Person. But as there arose many new Incidents in the
Sequel of my Vision, I shall reserve them for the Subject of my next
Paper.
Contents
|
Friday, June 25, 1714 |
Addison |
Quid causæ est, meritò quin illis Jupiter ambas
Iratus buccas inflet: neque se fore posthac
Tam facilem dicat, votis ut præbeat aurem?
Hor.
translation
In my last Paper, I gave my Reader a Sight of that Mountain of Miseries,
which was made up of those several Calamities that afflict the Minds of
Men. I saw, with unspeakable Pleasure, the whole Species thus delivered
from its Sorrows: though at the same time, as we stood round the Heap,
and surveyed the several Materials of which it was composed, there was
scarce a Mortal in this vast Multitude who did not discover what he
thought Pleasures and Blessings of Life; and wondered how the Owners of
them ever came to look upon them as Burthens and Grievances.
As we were regarding very attentively this Confusion of Miseries, this
Chaos of Calamity,
Jupiter
issued out a second Proclamation, that
every one was now at Liberty to exchange his Affliction, and to return
to his Habitation with any such other Bundle as should be delivered to
him.
Upon this,
Fancy
began again to bestir her self, and parcelling out
the whole Heap with incredible Activity, recommended to every one his
particular Packet. The Hurry and Confusion at this time was not to be
expressed. Some Observations, which I made upon the Occasion, I shall
communicate to the Publick. A venerable grey-headed Man, who had laid
down the Cholick, and who I found wanted an Heir to his Estate, snatched
up an undutiful Son that had been thrown into the Heap by his angry
Father. The graceless Youth, in less than a quarter of an Hour, pulled
the old Gentleman by the Beard, and had like to have knocked his Brains
out; so that meeting the true Father, who came towards him in a Fit of
the Gripes, he begg'd him to take his Son again, and give him back his
Cholick; but they were incapable either of them to recede from the
Choice they had made. A poor Gally-Slave, who had thrown down his
Chains, took up the Gout in their stead, but made such wry Faces, that
one might easily perceive he was no great Gainer by the Bargain. It was
pleasant enough to see the several Exchanges that were made, for
Sickness against Poverty, Hunger against want of Appetite, and Care
against Pain.
The Female World were very busie among themselves in bartering for
Features; one was trucking a Lock of grey Hairs for a Carbuncle, another
was making over a short Waste for a Pair of round Shoulders, and a third
cheapning a bad Face for a lost Reputation: But on all these Occasions,
there was not one of them who did not think the new Blemish, as soon as
she had got it into her Possession, much more disagreeable than the old
one. I made the same Observation on every other Misfortune or Calamity,
which every one in the Assembly brought upon himself, in lieu of what he
had parted with; whether it be that all the Evils which befall us are in
some Measure suited and proportioned to our Strength, or that every Evil
becomes more supportable by our being accustomed to it, I shall not
determine.
I could not for my Heart forbear pitying the poor hump-back'd Gentleman
mentioned in the former Paper, who went off a very well-shaped Person
with a Stone in his Bladder; nor the fine Gentleman who had struck up
this Bargain with him, that limped thro' a whole Assembly of Ladies, who
used to admire him, with a Pair of Shoulders peeping over his Head.
I must not omit my own particular Adventure. My Friend with the long
Visage had no sooner taken upon him my short Face, but he made such a
grotesque Figure in it, that as I looked upon him I could not forbear
laughing at my self, insomuch that I put my own Face out of Countenance.
The poor Gentleman was so sensible of the Ridicule, that I found he was
ashamed of what he had done: On the other Side I found that I my self
had no great Reason to triumph, for as I went to touch my Forehead I
missed the Place, and clapped my Finger upon my upper Lip. Besides, as
my Nose was exceeding Prominent, I gave it two or three unlucky Knocks
as I was playing my Hand about my Face, and aiming at some other Part of
it. I saw two other Gentlemen by me, who were in the same ridiculous
Circumstances. These had made a foolish Swop between a Couple of thick
bandy Legs, and two long Trapsticks that had no Calfs to them. One of
these looked like a Man walking upon Stilts, and was so lifted up into
the Air above his ordinary Height, that his Head turned round with it,
while the other made such awkward Circles, as he attempted to walk, that
he scarce knew how to move forward upon his new Supporters: Observing
him to be a pleasant Kind of Fellow, I stuck my Cane in the Ground, and
told him I would lay him a Bottle of Wine, that he did not march up to
it on a Line, that I drew for him, in a Quarter of an Hour.
The Heap was at last distributed among the two Sexes, who made a most
piteous Sight, as they wandered up and down under the Pressure of their
several Burthens. The whole Plain was filled with Murmurs and
Complaints, Groans and Lamentations.
Jupiter
at length, taking
Compassion on the poor Mortals, ordered them a second time to lay down
their Loads, with a Design to give every one his own again. They
discharged themselves with a great deal of Pleasure, after which, the
Phantome, who had led them into such gross Delusions, was commanded to
disappear. There was sent in her stead a Goddess of a quite different
Figure: Her Motions were steady and composed, and her Aspect serious but
cheerful. She every now and then cast her Eyes towards Heaven, and fixed
them upon
Jupiter:
Her name was
Patience.
She had no sooner placed
her self by the Mount of Sorrows, but, what I thought very remarkable,
the whole Heap sunk to such a Degree, that it did not appear a third
part so big as it was before. She afterwards returned every Man his own
proper Calamity, and teaching him how to bear it in the most commodious
Manner, he marched off with it contentedly, being very well pleased that
he had not been left to his own Choice, as to the kind of Evils which
fell to his Lot.
Besides the several Pieces of Morality to be drawn out of this Vision, I
learnt from it, never to repine at my own Misfortunes, or to envy the
Happiness of another, since it is impossible for any Man to form a right
Judgment of his Neighbour's Sufferings; for which Reason also I have
determined never to think too lightly of another's Complaints, but to
regard the Sorrows of my Fellow Creatures with Sentiments of Humanity
and Compassion.
Contents
|
Monday, June 28, 1714 |
Addison |
Every one has heard of the Famous Conjurer, who, according to the
Opinion of the Vulgar, has studied himself
dumb
; for which Reason, as
it is believed, he delivers out all his Oracles in Writing. Be that as
it will, the blind
Tiresias
was not more famous in
Greece
, than this
dumb Artist has been, for some Years last past, in the Cities of
London
and
Westminster.
Thus much for the profound Gentleman who
honours me with the following Epistle.
From my Cell, June 24, 1714.
Sir ,
'Being informed that you have lately got the Use of your Tongue, I
have some Thoughts of following your Example, that I may be a
Fortune-teller properly speaking. I am grown weary of my
Taciturnity, and having served my Country many Years under the Title
of the dumb Doctor, I shall now prophesie by Word of Mouth, and (as
Mr. Lee says of the Magpie, who you know was a great Fortune-teller
among the Ancients) chatter Futurity. I have hitherto chosen to
receive Questions and return Answers in Writing, that I might avoid
the Tediousness and Trouble of Debates, my Querists being generally of
a Humour to think, that they have never Predictions enough for their
Mony. In short, Sir , my Case has been something like that of those
discreet Animals the Monkeys, who, as the Indians tell us, can speak
if they would, but purposely avoid it that they may not be made to
work. I have hitherto gained a Livelyhood by holding my Tongue, but
shall now open my Mouth in order to fill it. If I appear a little
Word-bound in my first Solutions and Responses, I hope it will not be
imputed to any Want of Foresight, but to the long Disuse of Speech. I
doubt not by this Invention to have all my former Customers over
again, for if I have promised any of them Lovers or Husbands, Riches
or good Luck, it is my Design to confirm to them vivâ voce, what I
have already given them under my Hand. If you will honour me with a
Visit, I will compliment you with the first opening of my Mouth, and
if you please you may make an entertaining Dialogue out of the
Conversation of two dumb Men. Excuse this Trouble, worthy Sir , from
one who has been a long time
Your Silent Admirer,
Cornelius Agrippa.'
I have received the following Letter, or rather
Billet-doux
, from a
pert young Baggage, who congratulates with me upon the same Occasion.
June 23, 1714.
Dear Mr. Prate-apace,
'I am a Member of a Female Society who call ourselves the Chit-Chat
Club, and am ordered by the whole Sisterhood, to congratulate you upon
the Use of your Tongue. We have all of us a mighty Mind to hear you
talk, and if you will take your Place among us for an Evening, we have
unanimously agreed to allow you one Minute in ten, without
Interruption.
I am, Sir ,
Your Humble Servant,
S. T.
P. S. 'You may find us at my Lady Betty Clack's, who will leave
Orders with her Porter, that if an elderly Gentleman, with a short
Face, enquires for her, he shall be admitted and no Questions asked.
As this particular Paper shall consist wholly of what I have received
from my Correspondents, I shall fill up the remaining Part of it with
other congratulatory Letters of the same Nature.
Oxford, June 25, 1714.
Sir ,
'We are here wonderfully pleased with the Opening of your Mouth, and
very frequently open ours in Approbation of your Design; especially
since we find you are resolved to preserve your Taciturnity as to all
Party Matters. We do not question but you are as great an Orator as
Sir Hudibras, of whom the Poet sweetly sings,
—He could not ope
His Mouth, but out there flew a Trope.
'If you will send us down the Half-dozen well-turned Periods, that
produced such dismal Effects in your Muscles, we will deposite them
near an old Manuscript of
Tully's Orations, among the Archives of
the University; for we all agree with you, that there is not a more
remarkable Accident recorded in History, since that which happened to
the Son of
Croesus, nay, I believe you might have gone higher, and
have added
Balaam's Ass. We are impatient to see more of your
Productions, and expect what Words will next fall from you, with as
much attention as those, who were set to watch the speaking Head which
Friar
Bacon formerly erected in this Place.
We are,
Worthy Sir ,
Your most humble Servants,
B. R. T. D., &c.
Honest Spec.
Middle-Temple, June 24.
'I am very glad to hear that thou beginnest to prate; and find, by thy
Yesterday's Vision, thou art so used to it, that thou canst not
forbear talking in thy Sleep. Let me only advise thee to speak like
other Men, for I am afraid thou wilt be very Queer, if thou dost not
intend to use the Phrases in Fashion, as thou callest them in thy
Second Paper. Hast thou a Mind to pass for a
Bantamite, or to make
us all
Quakers? I do assure thee, Dear
Spec, I am not Polished out
of my Veracity, when I subscribe my self
Thy Constant Admirer,
and humble Servant,
Frank Townly.
Contents
|
Wednesday, June 30, 1714 |
Addison |
—Paulatim abolere Sichæum
Incipit, et vivo tentat prævertere amore
Jampridem resides animos desuetaque corda.
Virg.
translation
Sir ,
'I am a tall, broad-shoulder'd, impudent, black Fellow, and, as I
thought, every way qualified for a rich Widow: But, after having tried
my Fortune for above three Years together, I have not been able to get
one single Relict in the Mind. My first Attacks were generally
successful, but always broke off as soon as they came to the Word
Settlement. Though I have not improved my Fortune this way, I have
my Experience, and have learnt several Secrets which may be of use to
those unhappy Gentlemen, who are commonly distinguished by the Name of
Widow-hunters, and who do not know that this Tribe of Women are,
generally speaking, as much upon the Catch as themselves. I shall here
communicate to you the Mysteries of a certain Female Cabal of this
Order, who call themselves the
Widow-Club. This Club consists of
nine experienced Dames, who take their Places once a Week round a
large oval Table.
- Mrs. President is a Person who has disposed of six Husbands, and is
now determined to take a seventh; being of Opinion that there is as
much Vertue in the Touch of a seventh Husband as of a seventh Son. Her
Comrades are as follow.
- Mrs. Snapp, who has four Jointures, by four different
Bed-fellows, of four different Shires. She is at present upon the
Point of Marriage with a Middlesex Man, and is said to have an
Ambition of extending her Possessions through all the Counties in
England on this Side the Trent.
- Mrs. Medlar, who after two Husbands and a Gallant, is now
wedded to an old Gentleman of Sixty. Upon her making her Report to the
Club after a Weeks Cohabitation, she is still allowed to sit as a
Widow, and accordingly takes her Place at the Board.
- The Widow Quick, married within a Fortnight after the Death of
her last Husband. Her Weeds have served her thrice, and are still as
good as new.
- Lady Catherine Swallow. She was a Widow at Eighteen, and has
since buried a second Husband and two Coachmen.
- The Lady Waddle. She was married in the 15th Year of her Age to
Sir Simon Waddle, Knight, aged Threescore and Twelve, by whom she
had Twinns nine Months after his Decease. In the 55th Year of her Age
she was married to James Spindle, Esq.; a Youth of One and Twenty,
who did not out-live the Honey-Moon.
- Deborah Conquest. The Case of this Lady is something
particular. She is the Relict of Sir Sampson Conquest, some time
Justice of the Quorum. Sir Sampson was seven Foot high, and two
Foot in Breadth from the Tip of one Shoulder to the other. He had
married three Wives, who all of them died in Child-bed. This terrified
the whole Sex, who none of them durst venture on Sir Sampson. At
length Mrs. Deborah undertook him, and gave so good an Account of
him, that in three Years time she very fairly laid him out, and
measured his Length upon the Ground. This Exploit has gained her so
great a Reputation in the Club, that they have added Sir Sampson's
three Victories to hers, and give her the Merit of a fourth Widowhood;
and she takes her Place accordingly.
- The Widow Wildfire, Relict of Mr. John Wildfire,
Fox-hunter, who broke his Neck over a six Bar Gate. She took his Death
so much to Heart, that it was thought it would have put an End to her
Life, had she not diverted her Sorrows by receiving the Addresses of a
Gentleman in the Neighbourhood, who made Love to her in the second
Month of her Widowhood. This Gentleman was discarded in a Fortnight
for the sake of a young Templar, who had the Possession of her for
six Weeks after, till he was beaten out by a broken Officer, who
likewise gave up his Place to a Gentleman at Court. The Courtier was
as short-liv'd a Favourite as his Predecessors, but had the Pleasure
to see himself succeeded by a long Series of Lovers, who followed the
Widow Wildfire to the 37th Year of her Age, at which time there
ensued a Cessation of ten Years, when John Felt, Haberdasher, took
it in his Head to be in love with her, and it is thought will very
suddenly carry her off.
- The last is pretty Mrs. Runnet, who broke her first Husband's
Heart before she was Sixteen, at which Time she was entred of the
Club, but soon after left it, upon Account of a Second, whom she made
so quick a Dispatch of, that she returned to her Seat in less than a
Twelvemonth. This young Matron is looked upon as the most rising
Member of the Society, and will probably be in the President's Chair
before she dies.
'These Ladies, upon their first Institution, resolved to give the
Pictures of their deceased Husbands to the Club-Room, but two of them
bringing in their Dead at full Length, they cover'd all the Walls;
Upon which they came to a second Resolution, that every Matron should
give her own Picture, and set it round with her Husbands in Miniature.
As they have most of them the Misfortune to be troubled with the
Cholick, they have a noble Celler of Cordials and strong Waters. When
they grow Maudlin, they are very apt to commemorate their former
Partners with a Tear. But ask them which of their Husbands they
Condole, they are not able to tell you, and discover plainly that they
do not Weep so much for the Loss of a Husband, as for the want of One.
'The principal Rule, by which the whole Society are to govern
themselves is this, To cry up the Pleasures of a single Life upon all
Occasions, in order to deter the rest of their Sex from Marriage, and
engross the whole Male World to themselves.
'They are obliged, when any one makes Love to a Member of the Society,
to communicate his Name, at which Time the whole Assembly sit upon his
Reputation, Person, Fortune, and good Humour; and if they find him
qualified for a Sister of the Club, they lay their Heads together how
to make him sure. By this Means they are acquainted with all the
Widow-hunters about Town, who often afford them great Diversion. There
is an honest
Irish Gentleman, it seems, who knows nothing of this
Society, but at different times has made Love to the whole Club.
Their Conversation often turns upon their former Husbands, and it is
very diverting to hear them relate their several Arts and Stratagems,
with which they amused the Jealous, pacified the Chokrick, or wheedled
the Good-natured Man, till at last, to use the Club Phrase,
They sent
him out of the House with his Heels foremost.
The Politicks, which are most cultivated by this Society of
She-
Machiavils, relate chiefly to these two Points: How to treat a
Lover, and How to manage a Husband. As for the first Set of Artifices,
they are too numerous to come within the Compass of your Paper, and
shall therefore be reserved for a Second Letter.
The Management of a Husband is built upon the following Doctrines,
which are Universally assented to by the whole Club. Not to give him
his Head at first. Not to allow him too great Freedoms and
Familiarities. Not to be treated by him like a raw Girl, but as a
Woman that knows the World. Not to Lessen anything of her former
Figure. To celebrate the Generosity, or any other Vertue, of a
deceased Husband, which she would recommend to his Successor. To turn
away all his old Friends and Servants, that she may have the Dear Man
to her self. To make him disinherit the undutiful Children of any
former Wife. Never to be thoroughly convinced of his Affection, till he
has made over to her all his Goods and Chattels.
'After so long a Letter, I am, without more Ceremony,
Your Humble Servant, &c.