Contents
As my Correspondents begin to grow pretty numerous, I think my self
obliged to take some Notice of them, and shall therefore make this Paper
a Miscellany of Letters. I have, since my reassuming the Office of
SPECTATOR, received abundance of Epistles from Gentlemen of the Blade,
who, I find, have been so used to Action that they know not how to lie
still: They seem generally to be of Opinion, that the Fair at home ought
to reward them for their Services abroad, and that, till the Cause of
their Country calls them again into the Field, they have a sort of Right
to Quarter themselves upon the Ladies. In Order to favour their
Approaches, I am de
Sir
ed by some to enlarge upon the Accomplishments of
their Profession, and by others to give them my Advice in the carrying
on of their Attacks. But let us hear what the Gentlemen say for
themselves.
Mr. SPECTATOR,
'Tho' it may look somewhat perverse amidst the Arts of Peace, to talk
too much of War, it is but Gratitude to pay the last Office to its
Manes, since even Peace it self is, in some Measure, obliged to it
for its Being.
'You have, in your former Papers, always recommended the Accomplished
to the Favour of the Fair; and, I hope, you will allow me to represent
some Part of a Military Life not altogether unnecessary to the forming
a Gentleman. I need not tell you that in
France, whose Fashions we
have been formerly so fond of, almost every one derives his Pretences
to Merit from the Sword; and that a Man has scarce the Face to make
his Court to a Lady, without some Credentials from the Service to
recommend him. As the Profession is very ancient, we have Reason to
think some of the greatest Men, among the old
Romans, derived many
of their Virtues from it, their Commanders being frequently, in other
Respects, some of the most shining Characters of the Age.
'The Army not only gives a Man Opportunities of exercising those two
great Virtues
Patience and
Courage, but often produces them in
Minds where they had scarce any Footing before. I must add, that it is
one of the best Schools in the World to receive a general Notion of
Mankind in, and a certain Freedom of Behaviour, which is not so easily
acquired in any other Place. At the same Time I must own, that some
Military Airs are pretty extraordinary, and that a Man who goes into
the Army a Coxcomb will come out of it a Sort of Publick Nuisance: But
a Man of Sense, or one who before had not been sufficiently used to a
mixed Conversation, generally takes the true Turn. The Court has in
all Ages been allowed to be the Standard of Good-breeding; and I
believe there is not a juster Observation in Monsieur
Rochefoucault,
than that
A Man who has been bred up wholly to
Business, can never get the Air of a Courtier at Court, but
will immediately catch it in the Camp.
The Reason of this most certainly is, that the very Essence of
Good-Breeding and Politeness consists in several Niceties, which are
so minute that they escape his Observation, and he falls short of the
Original he would copy after; but when he sees the same Things charged
and aggravated to a Fault, he no sooner endeavours to come up to the
Pattern which is set before him, than, though he stops somewhat short
of that, he naturally rests where in reality he ought. I was two or
three Days ago, mightily pleased with the Observation of an humourous
Gentleman upon one of his Friends, who was in other Respects every way
an accomplished Person, That
he wanted nothing but a Dash of the
Coxcomb in him; by which he understood a little of that Alertness and
Unconcern in the common Actions of Life, which is usually so visible
among Gentlemen of the Army, and which a Campaign or two would
infallibly have given him.
'You will easily guess,
Sir , by this my Panegyrick upon a Military
Education, that I am my self a Soldier, and indeed I am so; I
remember, within three Years after I had been in the Army, I was
ordered into the Country a Recruiting. I had very particular Success
in this Part of the Service, and was over and above assured, at my
going away, that I might have taken a young Lady, who was the most
considerable Fortune in the County, along with me. I preferred the
Pursuit of Fame at that time to all other Considerations, and tho' I
was not absolutely bent on a Wooden Leg, resolved at least to get a
Scar or two for the good of
Europe. I have at present as much as I
de
Sir e of this Sort of Honour, and if you could recommend me
effectually, should be well enough contented to pass the Remainder of
my Days in the Arms of some dear kind Creature, and upon a pretty
Estate in the Country: This, as I take it, would be following the
Example of
Lucius Cincinnatus, the old
Roman Dictator, who at the
End of a War left the Camp to follow the Plow. I am,
Sir , with all
imaginable Respect,
Your most Obedient,
Humble Servant,
Will. Warly.
Mr. SPECTATOR,
'I am an Half-pay Officer, and am at present with a Friend in the
Country. Here is a rich Widow in the Neighbourhood, who has made Fools
of all the Fox-hunters within fifty Miles of her. She declares she
intends to marry, but has not yet been asked by the Man she could
like. She usually admits her humble Admirers to an Audience or two,
but, after she has once given them Denial will never see them more. I
am assured by a Female Relation, that I shall have fair Play at her;
but as my whole Success Depends on my first Approaches, I de
Sir e your
Advice, whether I had best
Storm or proceed by way of
Sap.
I am, Sir , Yours, &c.
'
P. S. I had forgot to tell you, that I have already carried one of
her Outworks, that is, secured her Maid.
Mr. SPECTATOR,
'I have assisted in several Sieges in the
Low-Countries, and being
still willing to employ my Talents, as a Soldier and Engineer, lay
down this Morning at Seven a Clock before the Door of an obstinate
Female, who had for some time refused me Admittance. I made a Lodgment
in an outer Parlour about Twelve: The Enemy retired to her
Bed-Chamber, yet I still pursued, and about two a-Clock this Afternoon
she thought fit to Capitulate. Her Demands are indeed somewhat high,
in Relation to the Settlement of her Fortune. But being in Possession
of the House, I intend to insist upon
Carte-Blanche, and am in
hopes, by keeping off all other Pretenders for the Space of twenty
four Hours, to starve her into a Compliance. I beg your speedy Advice,
and am,
Sir , Yours, Peter Push.
From my Camp in
Red-Lion Square,
Saturday 4, in the Afternoon.
Contents
|
Wednesday, July 14, 1714 |
Addison |
I have received private Advice from some of my Correspondents, that if I
would give my Paper a general Run, I should take care to season it with
Scandal. I have indeed observed of late, that few Writings sell which
are not filled with great Names and illustrious Titles. The Reader
generally casts his Eye upon a new Book, and if he finds several Letters
separated from one another by a Dash,
buys it up, and peruses it with
great Satisfaction. An
M
and an
h
, a
T
and an
r
, with a
short Line between them, has sold many an Insipid Pamphlet. Nay I have
known a whole Edition go off by vertue of two or three well written
&c—'s.
A sprinkling of
Words
Faction, Frenchman, Papist, Plunderer,
and
the like significant Terms, in an Italick Character, have also a very
good Effect upon the Eye of the
Purchaser
; not to mention
Scribler, Lier, Rogue, Rascal, Knave,
and
Villain
, without which it
is impossible to carry on a Modern Controversie.
Our Party-writers are so sensible of the secret Vertue of an Innuendo to
recommend their Productions, that of late they never mention the Q—n or
P—l at length, though they speak of them with Honour, and with that
Deference which is due to them from every private Person. It gives a
secret Satisfaction to a Peruser of these mysterious Works, that he is
able to decipher them without help, and, by the Strength of his own
natural Parts, to fill up a Blank-Space, or make out a Word that has
only the first or last Letter to it.
Some of our Authors indeed, when they would be more Satyrical than
ordinary, omit only the Vowels of a great Man's Name, and fall most
unmercifully upon all the Consonants. This way of Writing was first of
all introduced by
T—m Br—wn
, of facetious Memory, who, after having
gutted a proper Name of all its intermediate Vowels, used to plant it in
his Works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any Danger of
the Statute.
That I may imitate these celebrated Authors, and publish a Paper which
shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious
Libel, in which a Reader of Penetration will find a great deal of
concealed Satyr, and if he be acquainted with the present Posture of
Affairs, will easily discover the Meaning of it.
'If there are
four
Persons in the Nation who endeavour to bring all
things into Confusion, and ruin their native Country, I think every
honest
Engl—shm—n
ought to be upon his Guard. That there are such,
every one will agree with me, who hears me name *** with his first
Friend and Favourite ***, not to mention *** nor ***. These People may
cry Ch—rch, Ch—rch, as long as they please, but, to make use of a homely
Proverb, The Proof of the P—dd-ng is in the eating. This I am sure of,
that if a
certain Prince
should concur with a
certain Prelate
, (and
we have Monsieur Z—n's Word for it) our Posterity would be in a sweet
P—ckle. Must the
British
Nation suffer forsooth, because my Lady
Q—p—t—s
has been disobliged? Or is it reasonable that our
English
Fleet, which used to be the Terror of the Ocean, should lie Windbound
for the sake of a ——. I love to speak out and declare my Mind clearly,
when I am talking for the Good of my Country. I will not make my Court
to an ill Man, tho' he were a B—y or a T—t. Nay, I would not stick to
call so wretched a Politician, a Traitor, an Enemy to his Country, and a
Bl—nd—rb—ss, &c., &c.
The remaining Part of this Political Treatise, which is written after
the manner of the most celebrated Authors in
Great Britain
, I may
communicate to the Publick at a more convenient Season. In the mean
while I shall leave this with my curious Reader, as some ingenious
Writers do their Enigmas, and if any sagacious Person can fairly
unriddle it, I will print his Explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint
the World with his Name.
I hope this short Essay will convince my Readers, it is not for want of
Abilities that I avoid State-tracts, and that if I would apply my Mind
to it, I might in a little time be as great a Master of the Political
Scratch as any the most eminent Writer of the Age. I shall only add,
that in order to outshine all this Modern Race of
Syncopists
, and
thoroughly content my
English
Readers, I intend shortly to publish a
SPECTATOR, that shall not have a single Vowel in it.
Footnote 1:
For 'Marlborough' and 'Treasurer.'
Footnote 2:
Reader.
Contents
|
Friday, July 16, 1714 |
Addison |
I was Yesterday in a Coffee-House not far from the
Royal Exchange
,
where I observed three Persons in close Conference over a Pipe of
Tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own use, I lighted it at
the little Wax Candle that stood before them; and after having thrown in
two or three Whiffs amongst them, sat down and made one of the Company.
I need not tell my Reader, that lighting a Man's Pipe at the same
Candle, is looked upon among Brother-smokers as an Overture to
Conversation and Friendship. As we here lay our Heads together in a very
amicable Manner, being intrenched under a Cloud of our own raising, I
took up the last SPECTATOR, and casting my Eye over it,
The
SPECTATOR,
says I,
is very witty to-Day;
upon which a lusty lethargick old
Gentleman, who sat at the Upper-end of the Table, having gradually blown
out of his Mouth a great deal of Smoke, which he had been collecting for
some Time before,
Ay,
says he,
more witty than wise I am afraid.
His
Neighbour who sat at his right Hand immediately coloured, and being an
angry Politician, laid down his Pipe with so much Wrath that he broke it
in the Middle, and by that Means furnished me with a Tobacco-stopper. I
took it up very sedately, and looking him full in the Face, made use of
it from Time to Time all the while he was speaking:
This fellow,
says
he,
can't for his Life keep out of Politicks. Do you see how he abuses four great Men here?
I fix'd my Eye very attentively on the Paper, and
asked him if he meant those who were represented by Asterisks.
Asterisks,
says he,
do you call them? they are all of them Stars. He
might as well have put Garters to 'em. Then pray do but mind the two or
three next Lines? Ch—rch and P—dd-ing in the same Sentence! Our Clergy
are very much beholden to him.
Upon this the third Gentleman, who was
of a mild Disposition, and, as I found, a Whig in his Heart, de
Sir
ed him
not to be too severe upon the
Spectator
neither; For, says he,
you find
he is very cautious of giving Offence, and has therefore put two Dashes
into his Pudding.
A Fig for his Dash,
says the angry Politician.
In
his next Sentence he gives a plain Innuendo, that our Posterity will be
in a sweet P—ckle. What does the Fool mean by his Pickle? Why does not
he write it at length, if he means honestly?
I have read over the whole
Sentence,
says I;
but I look upon the Parenthesis in the Belly of it
to be the most dangerous Part, and as full of Insinuations as it can
hold.
But who,
says I,
is my Lady Q—p—t—s?
Ay, Answer that if you can,
Sir ,
says the furious Statesman to the poor Whig that sate over-against
him. But without giving him Time to reply,
I do assure you,
says he,
were I my Lady
Q—p—t—s,
I would sue him for
Scandalum Magnatum.
What is the World come to? Must every Body be allowed to—?
He had by
this time filled a new Pipe and applying it to his Lips, when we
expected the last Word of his Sentence, put us off with a Whiff of
Tobacco; which he redoubled with so much Rage and Trepidation, that he
almost stifled the whole Company. After a short Pause, I owned that I
thought the
Spectator
had gone too far in writing so many Letters of my
Lady
Q—p—t—s'
s Name;
but however
, says I,
he has made a little
Amends for it in his next Sentence, where he leaves a blank Space
without so much as a Consonant to direct us? I mean
, says I,
after
those Words
, The Fleet, that used to be the Terrour of the Ocean,
should be Wind-bound for the sake of a ——;
after which ensues a Chasm,
that in my Opinion looks modest enough.
Sir
, says my Antagonist,
you
may easily know his Meaning by his Gaping; I suppose he designs his
Chasm, as you call it, for an Hole to creep out at, but I believe it
will hardly serve his Turn. Who can endure to see the great Officers of
State, the
B—y's
and
T—t's
treated after so scurrilous a Manner?
I
can't for my Life
, says I,
imagine who they are the
Spectator
means?
No!
says he,—
Your humble Servant, Sir !
Upon which he flung himself
back in his Chair after a contemptuous Manner, and smiled upon the old
lethargick Gentleman on his left Hand, who I found was his great
Admirer. The Whig however had begun to conceive a Good-will towards me,
and seeing my Pipe out, very generously offered me the Use of his Box;
but I declined it with great Civility, being obliged to meet a Friend
about that Time in another Quarter of the City.
At my leaving the Coffee-house, I could not forbear reflecting with my
self upon that gross Tribe of Fools who may be termed the
Overwise
,
and upon the Difficulty of writing any thing in this censorious Age,
which a weak Head may not construe into private Satyr and personal
Reflection.
A Man who has a good Nose at an Innuendo, smells Treason and Sedition in
the most innocent Words that can be put together, and never sees a Vice
or Folly stigmatized, but finds out one or other of his Acquaintance
pointed at by the Writer. I remember an empty pragmatical Fellow in the
Country, who upon reading over
the whole Duty of Man
, had written the
Names of several Persons in the Village at the Side of every Sin which
is mentioned by that excellent Author; so that he had converted one of
the best Books in the World into a Libel against the 'Squire,
Church-wardens, Overseers of the Poor, and all other the most
considerable Persons in the Parish. This Book with these extraordinary
marginal Notes fell accidentally into the Hands of one who had never
seen it before; upon which there arose a current Report that Somebody
had written a Book against the 'Squire and the whole Parish. The
Minister of the Place having at that Time a Controversy with some of his
Congregation upon the Account of his Tythes, was under some Suspicion of
being the Author, 'till the good Man set his People right by shewing
them that the satyrical Passages might be applied to several others of
two or three neighbouring Villages, and that the Book was writ against
all the Sinners in England.
Contents
|
Monday, July 19, 1714 |
Addison |
Reges dicuntur multis urgere culullis
Et torquere mero, quem perspexisse laborent,
An sit amicitia dignus—
Hor.
translation
No Vices are so incurable as those which Men are apt to glory in. One
would wonder how Drunkenness should have the good Luck to be of this
Number.
Anacharsis
, being invited to a Match of Drinking at
Corinth
,
demanded the Prize very humorously, because he was drunk before any of
the rest of the Company: for, says he, when we run a Race, he who
arrives at the Goal first is entitled to the Reward. On the contrary, in
this thirsty Generation, the Honour falls upon him who carries off the
greatest Quantity of Liquor, and knocks down the rest of the Company. I
was the other Day with honest
Will. Funnell
the
West Saxon
, who was
reckoning up how much Liquor had past through him in the last twenty
Years of his Life, which, according to his Computation, amounted to
twenty three Hogsheads of October, four Ton of Port, half a Kilderkin of
small Beer, nineteen Barrels of Cider, and three Glasses of Champaign;
besides which, he had assisted at four hundred Bowls of Punch, not to
mention Sips, Drams, and Whets without Number. I question not but every
Reader's Memory will suggest to him several ambitious young Men, who are
as vain in this Particular as
Will. Funnell
, and can boast of as
glorious Exploits.
Our modern Philosophers observe, that there is a general Decay of
Moisture in the Globe of the Earth. This they chiefly ascribe to the
Growth of Vegetables, which incorporate into their own Substance many
fluid Bodies that never return again to their former Nature: But, with
Submission, they ought to throw into their Account those innumerable
rational Beings which fetch their Nourishment chiefly out of Liquids;
especially when we consider that Men, compared with their
Fellow-Creatures, drink much more than comes to their Share.
But however highly this Tribe of People may think of themselves, a
drunken Man is a greater Monster than any that is to be found among all
the Creatures which God has made; as indeed there is no Character which
appears more despicable and deformed, in the Eyes of all reasonable
Persons, than that of a Drunkard.
Bonosus
, one of our own Countrymen,
who was addicted to this Vice, having set up for a Share in the Roman
Empire, and being defeated in a great Battle, hang'd himself. When he
was seen by the Army in this melancholy Situation, notwithstanding he
had behaved himself very bravely, the common Jest was, That the Thing
they saw hanging upon the Tree before them, was not a Man but a Bottle.
This Vice has very fatal Efects on the Mind, the Body, and Fortune of
the Person who is devoted to it.
In regard to the Mind, it first of all discovers every Flaw in it. The
sober Man, by the Strength of Reason, may keep under and subdue every
Vice or Folly to which he is most inclined; but Wine makes every latent
Seed sprout up in the Soul, and shew it self. It gives Fury to the
Passions, and Force to those Objects which are apt to produce them.
When a young Fellow complained to an old Philosopher that his Wife was
not handsome,
Put less Water in your Wine, says the Philosopher, and
you'll quickly make her so
. Wine heightens Indifference into Love, Love
into Jealousy, and Jealousy into Madness. It often turns the
Good-natured Man into an Ideot, and the Cholerick into an Assassin. It
gives Bitterness to Resentment, it makes Vanity insupportable, and
displays every little Spot of the Soul in its utmost Deformity. Nor does
this Vice only betray the hidden Faults of a Man, and shew them in the
most odious Colours, but often occasions Faults to which he is not
naturally subject. There is more of Turn than of Truth in a Saying of
Seneca, That Drunkenness does not produce but discover Faults. Common
Experience teaches us the contrary. Wine throws a Man out of himself,
and infuses Qualities into the Mind, which she is a Stranger to in her
sober Moments. The Person you converse with, after the third Bottle, is
not the same Man who at first sat down at Table with you. Upon this
Maxim is founded one of the prettiest Sayings I ever met with, which is
ascribed to Publius Syrus,
Qui ebrium ludificat ladit absentem; He who
jests upon a Man that is Drunk, injures the Absent.
Thus does Drunkenness act in direct Contradiction to Reason, whose
Business it is to clear the Mind of every Vice which is crept into it,
and to guard it against all the Approaches of any that endeavours to
make its Entrance. But besides these ill Effects which this Vice
produces in the Person who is actually under its Dominion, it has also a
bad Influence on the Mind even in its sober Moments, as it insensibly
weakens the Understanding, impairs the Memory, and makes those Faults
habitual which are produced by frequent Excesses.
I should now proceed to shew the ill Effects which this Vice has on the
Bodies and Fortunes of Men; but these I shall reserve for the Subject of
some future Paper.
Contents
There is scarce a Man living who is not actuated by Ambition. When this
Principle meets with an honest Mind and great Abilities, it does
infinite Service to the World; on the contrary, when a Man only thinks
of distinguishing himself, without being thus qualified for it, he
becomes a very pernicious or a very ridiculous Creature. I shall here
confine my self to that petty kind of Ambition, by which some Men grow
eminent for odd Accomplishments and trivial Performances. How many are
there whose whole Reputation depends upon a Punn or a Quibble? You may
often see an Artist in the Streets gain a Circle of Admirers, by
carrying a long Pole upon his Chin or Forehead in a perpendicular
Posture. Ambition has taught some to write with their Feet, and others
to walk upon their Hands. Some tumble into Fame, others grow immortal by
throwing themselves through a Hoop.
Cætera de genere hoc adeo sunt multa, loquacem
Delassare valent Fabium—
I am led into this Train of Thought by an Adventure I lately met with.
I
the other Day at a Tavern, where the Master of the House
accommodating us himself with every thing we wanted, I accidentally fell
into a Discourse with him; and talking of a certain great Man, who shall
be nameless, he told me, That he had sometimes the Honour
to treat him
with a Whistle;
(adding by the way of Parenthesis)
For you must know,
Gentlemen, that I whistle the best of any Man in
Europe. This naturally
put me upon de
Sir
ing him to give us a Sample of his Art; upon which he
called for a Case-Knife, and applying the Edge of it to his Mouth,
converted it into a musical Instrument, and entertained me with an
Italian
Solo. Upon laying down the Knife, he took up a Pair of clean
Tobacco Pipes; and after having slid the small End of them over the
Table in a most melodious Trill, he fetched a Tune out of them,
whistling to them at the same time in Consort. In short, the
Tobacco-Pipes became
Musical Pipes
in the Hands of our Virtuoso; who
confessed to me ingenuously, he had broke such Quantities of them, that
he had almost broke himself, before he had brought this Piece of Musick
to any tolerable Perfection. I then told him I would bring a Company of
Friends to dine with him the next Week, as an Encouragement to his
Ingenuity; upon which he thanked me, saying, That he would provide
himself with a new Frying-Pan against that Day. I replied, That it was
no matter; Roast and Boiled would serve our Turn. He smiled at my
Simplicity, and told me, That it was his Design to give us a Tune upon
it. As I was surprised at such a Promise, he sent for an old Frying-Pan,
and grating it upon the Board, whistled to it in such a melodious
Manner, that you could scarce distinguish it from a Base-Viol. He then
took his Seat with us at the Table, and hearing my Friend that was with
me humm over a Tune to himself, he told him if he would sing out he
would accompany his Voice with a Tobacco-Pipe. As my Friend has an
agreeable Base, he chose rather to sing to the Frying-Pan; and indeed
between them they made up a most extraordinary Consort. Finding our
Landlord so great a Proficient in Kitchen-Musick, I asked him if he was
Master of the Tongs and Key. He told Me that he had laid it down some
Years since, as a little unfashionable: but that if I pleased he would
give me a Lesson upon the Gridiron. He then informed me that he had
added two Bars to the Gridiron, in order to give it a greater Compass of
Sound; and I perceived was as well pleased with the Invention, as