(Exeunt)

ACT II

(Enter BELLAIR and LUCY)

Bell. What Coach was that stopt at the Door?

Lucy. My Lady Lovewealth's, Sir. I told her Miss Harriet was gone home, and that my Master was gone out in a Chair to some of his Lawyers, for I could not let her see Sir Isaac.

Bell. You were right, Lucy. Where is Shark?

Lucy. In my Room, Sir, dressing for the Widow.

(SKINFLINT within)

Skin. Lucy, why Lucy, ugh, ugh, where are you, Wench?

Bell. I'll leave you with my Uncle, Lucy, while I step up and hasten Shark.(Exit [Bellair])

(Enter SKINFLINT)

Skin. Here, Lucy, tye up me Affairs; they are loose and falling about my Heels.

Lucy. They are always loose, I think.

Skin. Lucy, did not I send for Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary?

Lucy. Yes Sir, and he will be here presently. (Knocking) Hark, this is he I suppose.

Skin. Go see; if it is, send him up. (Exit Lucy) What an insupportable Vexation Riches are; all my Relations are watching and hovering about me like so many Crows about a dead Carrion; even Bellair, who behaves the best of them all, has a Hawk's Eye, I see, after my Will and advises me in a sly indirect manner to the making of it. A Parent is used by an Heir just as a Virgin is by a Rake; before we have parted with our Treasure, we are adored, we are Gods and Goddesses, but as soon as that is over, we become as troublesome to them as an evil Conscience. I'll keep my money to save my poor Soul, for to be sure I have got a great deal of it in an unfair manner; therefore in order to make my Peace hereafter, I'll leave it to build an Almshouse.

(Enter LUCY)

Lucy. Sir, there's a Lady in deep Mourning below, who says she is your Niece.

Skin. If she is such a Canary Bird as her Brother that was here today, she may go to the Devil; however shew her up. (Exit Lucy)

She may be the reverse of him; we ought not to condemn a whole Family for one bad Person.

(Enter LUCY, showing in SHARK who is dressed in Weeds)

Lucy. Madam, this is your Uncle.

Shar. Sir, I have not the Honour to be known to you, but the Report of your Death has brought me to Town, to testify the Duty and Affection of an unworthy Niece for the best of Uncles.

Skin. A good well bred kind of a Woman. (Aside to Lucy) Ay, this is something like a Relation.

Lucy. I shall hear you sing another tune presently. (Aside)

Skin. Pray Niece, give me leave to salute you. You are welcome to London. (Kisses him) My Eyes are but bad—yet I think I can discover a strong Resemblance of my Sister in you. (Peering in his Face)

Shar. Yes Sir, I was reckoned very like my Mama before I was married, but frequent Child bearing you know, Sir, will alter a Woman strangely for the worse.

Skin. It will so, Niece; you are a Widow I perceive.

Shar. Yes Sir, an unfortunate Widow (Weeps). I never had a dry Eye since my Husband died.

Skin. Pray Niece, what did your Husband die of?

Shar. He broke his Neck a Fox Hunting.

Skin. Good lack, good lack! That was dreadful.

Shar. Ay Sir, and tho' I was but one and twenty when he died, he left me both a Widow and a Mother; so early a Grief you may be sure must have robbed me of my Bloom and has broke me mightily.

Skin. As you were a Widow, Niece, at one and twenty, I don't suppose your Husband left you many Children.

Shar. Fifteen, Sir.

Skin. Fifteen, Niece! (Starting)

Shar. Ay, fifteen, Sir; I was married at fourteen.

Skin. That was very young, Niece.

Shar. It was so, Sir; but young Girls can't keep now adays, so I ran away with him from the Boarding School. I had two Children by him every ten months for six Years, and I had three by him the seventh.

Skin. Upon my word you are a very good Breeder.

Shar. Yes Sir, I was always accounted so; besides, Sir, I have had two by him since his Death.

Skin. How, Madam, since his Death.

Shar. Yes Sir, and I am afraid I shall have some more, for a Word in your Ear, Sir—I find I am coming again, Sir. [3]

Skin. O Fye, Niece, O fye, fye—why Lucy, this Woman is as bad as her Brother.

Lucy. Indeed Sir, I am afraid so. (Aside)

Skin. But I'll try her a little further. Pray Niece, who has been your Companion and Bedfellow for these two years past? For I presume you have not lain alone.

Shar. O Lord, Sir, not for the World! You must know, Uncle, I am greatly addicted to be afraid of Spirits, Ghosts, Witches, and Fairies, and so to prevent terrifying Dreams and Apparitions, I took a Religious Gentleman, a very good Man to bed with me—an Itinerant Methodist, one Doctor Preach Field.

Skin. Doctor Preach Field. I have heard of him.

Shar. O he's a very good man, Uncle, I assure you, and very full of the Spirit.

Skin. Lucy, have not I got a hopeful parcel of Relations? (Aside)

Lucy. Indeed Sir, I think this Lady is not extremely modest. (Aside)

Skin. Why she ought to be whipped at the Cart's Tail (Aside); pray Niece, have not you a Brother in Town?

Shar. Yes Sir; he and I beat the Watch last night at Tom Kings.

Skin. O Monstrous! beat the Watch, Madam!

Shar. Yes Sir, and broke all the Lamps in the Parish.

Skin. Very pretty Employment for a Lady truly, and so, Madam, you came to Town merely to shew your Duty and Affection to me.

Shar. Yes Sir, and in hopes to be your Heir; we had a Report in the Country that you was Defunct; and I was in hopes to have found it true.

Skin. I am obliged to you, Madam.

Shar. There is another thing we have very current in the Country. I do not know how true it is.

Skin. What is it, I pray?

Shar. I have been told, Uncle, and from very good Hands, that you are little better than a Thief.

Skin. Madam!

Shar. And that you got all your Fortune by biting and sharping, extortion and cheating.

Skin. Harkee Madam, get out of my House this Minute, or I will order somebody to throw you out of the Window.

Shar. I have heard too that for several years past, you have been an old Fornicator, and that you have led a most wicked Life with this Girl.

Lucy. With me, Madam?

Shar. Yes, you naughty Creature, and that your Fornication would have had carnal symptoms, but that he took most unnatural methods to prevent your Pregnancy.

Skin. Get out of my Doors this Minute.

Shar. Sir, you are an uncivil Gentleman to bid me get out, but I find you are as great a Rogue as the most malicious Report can make you.

Skin. Get out of my House, I say!

Shar. Well, I'll go, Sir, but depend upon it you shall not live many Days after this. I'll be the Death of you, if there are no more Uncles in the World.

Lucy. Slip up the back stairs to my Room and I'll come and undress you. (Aside to him as she thrusts him off) Get you out, you wicked Woman, get you out.(Exit Shark)

Skin. Was ever Man so hope up with such a parcel of Relations! Make them my Heirs! I would as soon leave my Money to a Privateer's Crew; and I verily believe they would be as thankful and make as good a use of it.—I have been so worried and teazed by them all, that I am not able to support any longer—I must go in and lye down. Support me, Lucy, or I shall fall; I am quite faint. Oh, oh! (Exeunt)

(Enter BELLAIR)

Bell. So! Thus far all goes well. Shark has been as successful in his Widow as his Fox. We have routed the Family of the Bumpers. There is nothing now to apprehend from that Quarter. But the main Difficulty is yet behind, which is to induce him to make his Will, for without that my Lady Lovewealth's Avarice never will consent to make my dearest Harriet mine.

(Enter LUCY)

Lucy. O Sir, we are all undone!

Bell. Why what's the matter?

Lucy. Your Uncle, Sir, is dead.

Bell. Dead!

Lucy. Ay, dead, Sir! Shark with his Tricks and Rogueries has so teazed him that having with much ado got into his Chamber, down he fell upon the Bed, and there he lies without either Motion, Voice, Sense, Pulse or Understanding.

Bell. The very means I took to succeed have infallibly ruined me.

(Enter SHARK)

Shar. Is he gone? Is the coast clear?

Bell. So Villain, your Schemes and Plots have a fine Conclusion, Rascal.

Shar. A fine Conclusion, Rascal! I don't know what conclusion they have, but I am sure it can't be worse than this Reward; pray Sir, what has happened?

Bell. Why you have killed my Uncle, Villain, and ruined me forever.

Shar. What! Is the old Fellow dead?

Bell. Yes, Rascal, and without a Will.

Shar. This is now an Instance of the Judgment and Gratitude of Mankind; if I had succeeded, I should have been a second Machiavel, and my dear Shark, I shall be ever obliged to you—but now I am a Rascal and a Son of a Whore, a Blockhead and deserve my Bones broke.

Bell. Well Sir, no upbraiding now, but tell what is to be done.

Shar. What's to be done? What should be done, Sir. Break open his Coffers, his Cabinet, his Strong Box, seize upon his Mortgage Deeds, and Writings, but above all take a particular Care of the Bank Bills, and the ready Cash. I have a great Veneration for them; they will tell no tales to your Fellow Heirs, and as the old Man has bit you, why do you plunder them. Do you take Possession and I'll engage I procure a Lawyer who shall prove it to be something more than eleven points of the Law.

Bell. But then my Harriet, Shark! Without her the Wealth of Mexico is useless and insipid.

Shar. Upon my Soul, Sir, begging your Pardon, you make as ridiculous a Figure in this Business as a disappointed Lover in a Play; why Sir, our Farce is now in the very Height of the Plot, and it is impossible you can have your Mistress 'till it be ended.

Bell. Nor then either I am afraid.

Shar. Lord, Sir, you are too hasty. You are like the ignorant part of an Audience the first night of a new Play; you will have things brought about before their time. Go and take Possession of the Assets, I tell you, and leave the rest to the Devil and the Law. Get them on our side, and I'll engage you prosper in any Roguery.

Bell. Well, I'll go—but I see no glimmering of hope from it. (Exit Bellair)

Shar. Lucy, do you shut up all the Windows and lock up the door.

Lucy. That's impossible, for Mr. Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead are below with the Marriage Articles.

Shar. O the Devil! Then we are all ruined again. Hold—ha—ay—I have a thought. Lucy, do the Lawyers know of the old Man's Death?

Lucy. Not a word. They are but this minute come in.

Shar. Then keep it an entire Secret—I'll clinch the whole Affair this Instant.—Get me the old Man's Gown—and Cap—his Slippers, his Pillow, his Flannels and all his Trumpery.

Lucy. Here they all are upon the Table where he shifted.

Shar. Give 'em me, quick, quick—ask no questions—so—now my Cap—my gouty Slippers, my Flannels for my hands, here, here, pin them on, pin them on, quick—quick, so! And now my great Chair—and now I am damnable ill—O sick, sick,—Auh—Auh—Auh! Go and tell my Master how I am transmogrified, do you hear, and bid him not be surprized let what will happen, but first send up the Lawyers. (Exit Lucy) Lawyers have often made false Wills for their own Interests, and I see no reason now why they mayn't make one for mine. I am sure I have as good a Title to be a Rogue as any of them all, for my Father was an Irish Solicitor, my Mother a Yorkshire Gipsy, I was begotten in Wales, born in Scotland, and brought up at that famous University of St. Giles pound, and now he who has a better Right to be a Rogue than me, let him put in his Claim. Tho' I believe nobody will dispute it with me, it is all my own today; when I come to Westminster Hall I'll resign.

(Enter BELLAIR, LUCY, Doctor LEATHERHEAD, and Mr. LITTLEWIT, [with] Pens, Ink, Papers, Candles, etc., etc.)

Shar. So Gentlemen, when I sent for you in the Morning, I was foolish enough to think of Marriage, but Heaven pardon me, I must now think of Death, of my poor precious Soul. I must desire you to get my Will ready as soon as possible, for I fear my poor fleeting Life is not worth half an Hour's purchase.

Doct. The sooner it is done, the better; it may procure you Ease and Consolation of mind.

Shar. Dear Doctor Leatherhead, hold your Tongue; the less you talk, the more it will be to the purpose, I am sure. Nephew, draw near. Lucy, take those Candles out of my Eyes, and shut that Door.

Lucy. Sir, my Lady Lovewealth has sent her Daughter to wait on you, and my Lady will be here herself immediately.

Shar. Very well, let my wife that was to be come up—and let her know how Affairs are, Lucy. (Aside to Lucy)(Exit Lucy)

Little. (At the Table writing) Um, um, Sir Isaac Skinflint of the Parish of um—sound sense—um weak in Body—uncertainty of human Life—um—last Will and Testament—Now Sir, we are ready; I have finished the Preamble.

Doct. But Sir Isaac, should not this Will be made in Private? We always choose to have as few Witnesses by as possible.

Shar. I believe you, Doctor Leatherhead, that they may produce the more Law Suits. Ay, ay, Doctor, I know the tricks of the Law; the more Grist, the more Toll for the Miller—but you shall not fill your Bags out of my Sack, you Harpies, you Cormorants, you Devourers! O you Bloodsuckers! Auh, auh!

Doct. I find Sir Isaac still the same Man.

Little. No matter, Doctor; as it is the last Business we shall do for him, he shall pay swingingly.

Shar. I will make my Will simple and plain, and before many Witnesses.

(Enter HARRIET)

So Harriet, you are come to see the last of the old Man—well I forgive you your Raillery today—come kiss me, Hussy, or I'll disinherit you. (Kisses her) You had better kiss me as a dying Uncle, Hussy, than a living Husband, for I shall give you to my Nephew—and now Gentlemen of the Black Robe, who protect our properties for us, the first thing you are to do is to fill up the blank in the Marriage Articles with my Nephew's name instead of mine, for he I fancy, he will be much properer to manage the young Lady's Concerns than me. It is over with me; what think you, Harriet? Don't you think he'll do it better than me, ha? Ah the young Jade, how she smiles. She knows what I mean, but Gentlemen, before I make my Will, I have one thing to observe, which is that I am a very whimsical old Rogue! You all know that, I believe.

Doct. Why you are a little whimsical, Sir Isaac, sometimes, I know.

Shar. And therefore I desire a Bond may immediately be prepared for me to give my Nephew, which will put it out of my power to revoke the Will I shall now make in these Presents; for I am so odd a Fellow, that it is a hundred to one, I shall want to go from it tomorrow.

Doct. I am afraid, Sir Isaac, such a Bond will not be good in Law.

Little. O yes, Doctor, very good. Doctor, you will hurt the Practice with your Scruples; what is it to us whether it be a good Bond or not; it is a new Case, and will be a Bone of Contention to us. The Gown will get by it, let who will lose. (Aside to the Doctor)

Doct. I believe, Sir Isaac, upon second Thoughts it will be a good Bond.

Shar. Then draw it up, and now Gentlemen, as to my Will—Inprimis, let all my Debts be discharged.

Doct. That I believe, Sir Isaac, will be soon done; for I don't suppose you owe any.

Shar. Yes I owe for the nursing of a Bastard Child at Wandsor.

Doct. Is it possible you ever had a Bastard?

Shar. Several, Doctor, but they were all dropt upon different Parishes, except that One. Then there are some few dribbling Debts at Alehouses and Taverns where I used to meet my Wenches—in all about twenty Pounds.

Doct. I find, Mr. Littlewit, the old Gentleman has been a Cock of the Game in his time, Good Blood.

Little. Really, Doctor Leatherhead, I think so.

Shar. Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole Executor of this my last Will and Testament.

Bell. O my dear Uncle, shall I lose you. (Cries)

Shar. Good natured Boy, how he weeps, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons whatsoever—saving those hereafter mentioned.

Lucy. O my dear generous Master. (Cries)

Shar. Poor Girl, she weeps too; I suppose for the same Reason, to put me in Mind of her; never fear, Lucy. I'll not forget you; you have been a good Girl and managed my Concerns with great Skill and Decency.

Doct. Proceed, Sir.

Shar. Unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do give—(Lucy, you know where they are) a set of Diamond Bracelets which were mortgaged to me and forfeited by the Welch Lady that used to game so much.

Lucy. I have them in this Casket, Sir.

Shar. Give them to me—there—I give them Harriet, but first kiss me, Hussy—I will have a Kiss for them. (Kisses her and gives her the bracelets)

Bell. Impudent Rascal!

Shar. Item, to Lucy who for many years has served me faithfully—and who used to flatter me in all my little Foibles.

Lucy. Sure never was so generous and grateful a Master. (Cries)

Shar. To her I bequeath, when she marries, one thousand pounds, provided it be with that honest Lad Shark, not a Farthing else.

Bell. How Sir, a thousand Pounds; it is too much.

Shar. Not at all, Nephew.

Bell. Here's a Dog. (Aside) Consider, Sir, she's a low bred poor Person.

Shar. Poor is she? Why then, Mr. Littlewit, if the Girl is poor, put her down another Hundred, but with a Proviso still that she marries Shark.

Bell. I presume, Sir, you have done now.

Shar. Done! The Gods of Gratitude and Generosity forbid; no I must remember poor Shark. I must not forget him—Item, to that honest Fellow Shark, auh, auh!

Bell. O the Rascal; he'll give half the Estate to himself and Lucy.

Shar. To Shark, I say, for his faithful Services.

Bell. Why, Sir, he's the most idle, drunken——

Shar. Hold your Tongue, Nephew, you are deceived in the young Man—you don't know him so well as I. I have known him many Years; he is a sober honest Fellow, and has a great Regard for you, and for that Reason, I leave him two hundred pounds per Annum.

Bell. Two hundred pounds, Sir——

Shar. Pray be silent, Nephew; I know his Virtues and good Qualities; therefore, Mr. Littlewit, I think you may as well make it two hundred and fifty.

Bell. Sir! Per Annum! Sir!

Shar. Ay, per Annum, for ten Annums if I please, Sir. Why sure I can do what I will with my own.

Bell. I beg your Pardon, Sir, it is a great deal too much, I think.

Shar. I think not, and I believe at this Juncture my Thoughts are more to the purpose than yours.

Bell. But consider, Sir, what can he do with so much money; such a low poor Fellow that has no Friends.

Shar. No Friends?

Bell. No Sir, a low Friendless Fellow.

Shar. Nay if he is poor—set him down another hundred, Mr. Littlewit. He shall not want a Friend while I am alive; for he is an honest Lad, and loves a Bottle and a Wench as well as myself.

Bell. Was there ever such a tricking exorbitant Rascal? (Aside) Sir, I beg you'll alter that Article that relates to Shark.

Shar. Sir, I beg you'll hold your Tongue. Say another word and I'll give him a thousand pounds per Annum.

Bell. Sir, I humbly beg Pardon. (Bowing very low)

Shar. Well, beg Pardon and be satisfied. I think you have reason—here I shall have you Master of six or seven thousand pounds per Annum, as you call it, and almost a Plumb and a half in ready Cole, and you are not satisfied; say one Word more and I'll tear my Will, or leave every Shilling to the Inhabitants of Bedlam or to the Man that finds out the Longitude.

Bell. I have done, Sir.

Shar. Pray then have done, Sir, and don't fret me.

Bell. An impudent Rogue, but I must not contend with him now. (Aside)

Shar. Lord, it is as much trouble to give away an Estate as to get it.

Doct. Mr. Bellair, you should not interrupt the Testator; at such a time his Mind should not be disturbed.

Shar. You are in the right, Doctor Leatherhead. Let me see, have I no Friend that I care to oblige with two or three thousand—I am in such a generous Temper that I don't care to leave off yet. I have a great Mind to give Shark a handful over, but——

Bell. Sir!

Shar. No, I believe I have done.

Doct. Will you please to sign then?

Shar. That I would with all my Heart, but that the Gout and Palsy prevent me.

Doct. Then we must observe, Mr. Littlewit, that the said Testator does declare his inability to write.

Shar. Is the Bond to my Nephew ready?

Little. Yes Sir.

Shar. But is it strong, and so well drawn that the old Nick himself should he turn Pettyfogger could not reverse it?

Doct. It is, Sir.

Shar. Very well.

Doct. There if you please to make your mark by touching the Pen. (Shark touches the Pen) So, and put the Watch over his Hand, and let him take off the Seal—so, very well, Sir, you publish and declare this to be your last Will and Testament, and desire Doctor Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit to be Witnesses thereunto?

Shar. I do.

(All the ceremony of signing and sealing and delivering is performed)

Doct. Very well, Sir Isaac, I will take care they shall be properly registered.

Shar. I beg, good Folks, that you will slip into the next Room for a few Moments while I compose myself after this intolerable Fatigue; Nephew, pray shew them in, and do the Honours of my House in the genteelest Manner.

Bell. I shall, Sir.—Doctor Leatherhead, Mr. Littlewit—will you walk in, Gentlemen?

Doct. Sir, your Servant, Sir.

Little. Your's; we wish you better.

Shar. Your Servant, your Servant, Gentlemen. Auh, auh—quick, quick. (Coughs) (Exeunt all but Lucy and Shark) Lucy, off with my Roguery, and let me appear in my native honesty. I have had Gibbets and Halters in my Mind a hundred Times, passing and repassing, since I began this Business. I am horridly afraid that the Devil and Sir Isaac, for I suppose they are met by this time, will contrive some means to counterplot us. Tho' I think I shall be a Match for them, if we can keep the Law on our side, let me but secure that and I defy the Devil and all his Works. There, there they are, the precious Robes of Deceit. (Throws down the old Man's Gown and Cap) I think there has been transacted as ingenious a Scene of Iniquity in that Gown, within the short space of half an Hour, as in any Gown that has been trapesed in Westminster Hall since the ingenious Mr. Wreathcock was transported—Now my dear Lucy, after all this Fatigue and Bustle (Throws down the old Man's dress) I think it would not be amiss for you and I to relieve and solace ourselves in the lawful State of Procreation.

Lucy. Time enough, Fool. Consider Matrimony is a long Journey.

Shar. True, Lucy; therefore the sooner we set out the better; for Love, my Dear, like Time must be taken by the Forelock.

Lucy. Come, come, this is no time for prating and fooling. Do you join the Company to avoid Suspicion, and tomorrow Morning put me in Mind of it. If I am in Humour, I may perhaps walk towards Doctors Commons and venture at a great Leap in the Dark with you, for so I think marriage may be justly called.

Shar. Why ay, this is speaking like one that has a mind to Deal. Here's my hand; it shall stand on my side.

Lucy. And here's my hand. If I can help it, it shall not fail on mine.

Shar. Touch—Buss—I like the Sample and am resolved to purchase the whole Commodity.(Exit Shark)

(Monsieur DU MAIGRE within)

Maigre. Mistress Lucy! Mistress Lucy! why you no come when your Maitre Janie be so very much bad—where be you?

Lucy. Who have we here? Our Apothecary, Monsieur du Maigre! Pray Heaven the old Man is not come to Life again.

(Enter Monsieur DU MAIGRE)

Maigre. O Mistress Lucy for shame! Pardie, why you no come to your Maitre! He be dead this one half quartre de Hour, and you no come; by Gar, he wanta his Gown and his Cap.

Lucy. What, is he alive?

Maigre. Yes; he was dead, but I bring him to Life; I bleed a him, and so he comes from the dead Man to de Life. But come, allons, vite, vite, he want a de Gown. (Takes up the Gown and Cap)

Lucy. So we have been making a Will to a fine Purpose.

Maigre. Allons, vite, vite, Mistress Lucy, he be very bad indeed—and he want a you ver much, allons.(Exeunt)

(Enter BELLAIR and SHARK)

Shar. Well, Sir, now who is the Fool? the Blockhead? Did not I tell you we should succeed?

Bell. Yes but, Scoundrel, how did you dare to make such a Will?

Shar. In what respect, Sir?

Bell. In what, Rascal! To Lucy and yourself, how dare you leave so much money between you?

Shar. For the best reason in the World, Sir, because I knew nobody dared to contradict me. And had I thought you would have been angry at it—I assure you, Sir—I should have left as much more. Why Sir, if you will consider the Affair impartially, you will find I had a right to be Co-heir with you.

Bell. How so, Sir?

Shar. By the Laws of Roguery, Sir—in which it is a fundamental Maxim that in Cheats of this Kind, all people are upon a par, and have a right to an equal Snack.

Bell. Impudent Rascal!

Shar. But if you think, Sir, that I have behaved in this Affair selfishly or unbecoming a Rogue of Honour, I will send in for Doctor Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit, for they are still in the next Room, and cancel the Will directly.

Bell. No, Rascal, you know my Love to Harriet will not let me consent to that.

Shar. This is just the way of the great World—the poor Rogues are Men of parts and do all the Business—and the rich ones not only arrogate the Merit to themselves, but are for running away with all the Plunder.

(Enter LUCY)

Lucy. O Sir!

Bell. What's the matter?

Lucy. Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't speak—but your Uncle's alive—that's all. (Sets down a great Chair)

Shar. And that's enough to hang one, I'm sure.

Bell. Alive!

Lucy. Ay, alive, Sir.

Shar. This comes of your begrudging me my Snack of the Spoil, Sir.

Bell. Why I thought you saw him senseless and dead.

Lucy. I thought so too; but it seems while we were about the Will, Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary, came in and bled him in an Instant, which has unfortunately recovered him. He is within with him now, and one Councellour Cormorant who is come upon some Law Business to him—O here they all come.

Bell. What a malicious turn of Fortune this is.

Shar. Why Sir, if you will not be ungrateful, now I believe I can secure a Retreat and such a one as the greatest General in Europe in our Situation would not be ashamed of.

Bell. Dear Shark, I will do anything thou wilt.

Shar. Ay, now it is dear Shark, but know, Sir, you have to deal with an Englishman, and a Man of Honour who scorns to put an Enemy to Death when he begs for Quarter—tho' you have been an ungenerous Ally as ever vowed Fidelity to the Crown of England—but no matter, I'll serve you still and completely.

Bell. But how, dear Shark?

Shar. I won't tell you—and I defy you to guess now—or anybody else that's more—I must step into the next Room for a Moment and whisper the Lawyers, and in the meantime, do you persist in your Uncle's having made a Will; that's all.—Don't you be like an ignorant Thief before a noisy Magistrate, confess and hang yourself. And you, Madam, do you embronze your Countenance, and keep up your Character to the last.(Exit)

(Enter SKINFLINT supported by Councellour CORMORANT and Monsieur DU MAIGRE, LUCY settling his great Chair)

Skin. Auh! auh! gently, gently. Let me down gently, pray. Oh, oh, oh. (Sits down) O Nephew, how could you let me lie for dead so long and never come near me?

Bell. Really, Sir, I never heard a word that you were in any Danger of Dying.

Skin. And Lucy, how could you be so cruel to neglect me so long?

Lucy. Me! Lord, Sir, I never knew anything of it 'till Monsieur du Maigre informed me.

Maigre. No, Pardie, she not have any knowledge 'till dat me make her de Intelligence.

Lucy. I thought you were in a sound Sleep, Sir, and was extremely glad of it.

Bell. And so was I, I do assure you, Sir.

Skin. I am obliged to you Nephew, but I had like to have slept my last.

Maigre. It is very true indeed upon my word. But dat Monsieur la avocat—here—Monsieur la what is your name, si'l vous plait—I always forget.

Coun. Cormorant, Sir.

Maigre. Mais oui Monsieur la Cormorant—but dat he and I come in together, just after one another; I believe I come in one, two Minute before you, Monsieur la Cormorant—I say but dat me come in the Nick upon a my word, Sir Isaac, you be defunct.—And then I lose my Annuity upon your Life, and by Gar, dat be very bad for Monsieur du Maigre.

Skin. I am obliged to you, Monsieur—are the Lawyers come, Lucy? Mr. Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead?

Lucy. Yes Sir, they have been here a considerable time.

Skin. Desire them to walk in.

Lucy. So now the Murder's coming out.(Exit Lucy)

Skin. Nephew, I am at last resolved to make my Will; I shall make a proper provision for you in it. But as our Soul is the immortal part of us, [4] I must take Care of that the first thing I do. Therefore I am resolved to appropriate so much of my Fortune as will be sufficient for that purpose to the building of an Almshouse.

(Enter Doctor LEATHERHEAD, Mr. LITTLEWIT, Lady LOVEWEALTH, [HARRIET,] SHARK and LUCY)

Skin. So Gentlemen! I have altered my Mind, Mr. Littlewit, since I saw you last.

Little. Concerning what, Sir?

Skin. My Will, Sir.

Little. It is now too late, Sir; you have put it out of your Power.

Skin. Out of my Power?

Doct. Ay, and out of the Power of Westminster Hall! Sir Isaac, you know I gave you my Opinion upon it before you made it.

Skin. What, is the man mad?

Doct. No, Sir, I am not mad; and I would advise you not to be foolish and whimsical as you owned about half an hour since you were subject to.

Skin. Why the men are drunk or mad, I think.

Maigre. Pardie, somebody be drunk or mad among you, for by gar, me no understand your Vards.

Skin. Why Gentlemen, I sent for you to make my Will.

Doct. You did so, Sir, and you have made it. And it is registered. And there is the Copy. Ask your Nephew, and these Ladies, and your maid Lucy, and the Footman here.

Shar. No pray, Sir, don't bring me into it; I was not here.

Doct. You are right, Friend, I believe you were not here, but ask all the rest.

Skin. Nephew, do you know anything of all this?

Bell. Upon my word, Sir, what the Doctor says is true.

Skin. How! True, Lucy?

Lucy. Indeed, Sir, you did make a Will before you had your fit, but you have forgot it, I suppose.

Skin. Why this is all a Contrivance, a Conspiracy, a—pray when did I make this Will?

Doct. Why, Sir, it is not ten minutes since you signed it, and all these are Witnesses. (Pointing on their own side of the room)

Shar. No pray, Sir, leave me out. I will be sworn in any Court in Westminster, Sir Isaac, that I know nothing of the matter.

Maigre. By Gar, this Doctor Leatherhead be one ver great Fripon.—Harkee, Sir, you say he make de Signature to the Will in these ten a Minute.

Doct. Yes Sir.

Maigre. By Gar, dat cannot be, fo[r] Monsieur Cormorant and myself be vid him above thirteen, and he make no Will in that time, Jarnie bleu.

Coun. It is very true, Gentlemen, that we can attest.

Skin. Pray Doctor, let me see this Will; read it if you please.

Doct. Sir Isaac Skinflint being seated in his great Chair—um underwritten—Sound Senses tho' infirm in Body.

Skin. No matter for the Preamble.

Doct. Um, um, um, committed to writing his underwritten Will, in Manner and Form following; Imprimis, I will that all my Debts be paid.

Skin. Debts! I do not owe one Shilling in the World.

Doct. You forget, Sir Isaac, you owe for the Nursing of a Bastard Child at Wandsor, and several little dribbling Debts where you used to meet your Wenches.

Skin. How a Bastard; why I never had a Bastard in my Life—but once—and that was forty years ago with a great red Hair Wench, a Maid that my Father had—but it was when I was a Lad and I did not know what I was about.

Doct. Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole Executor, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons.

Skin. This is a scene of Villainy.

Doct. Saving those hereafter mentioned-unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do bequeath the set of Diamond Bracelets—Mortgaged by the——

Skin. This is all a Robbery.

Coun. Let 'em go on, Sir Isaac, you have your Remedy.

Skin. This is all a Robbery.

Doct. To my Maid Lucy, one thousand pounds.

Skin. O monstrous; I never intended to give her a Farthing.

Doct. Item, to that honest Fellow Slipstring Shark.

Shar. That is me, Sir Isaac, and I humbly thank your Honour.

Doct. I bequeath him three hundred pounds per Annum during his natural Life, to be paid out of that part of my Estate he shall think proper.

Shar. O blessings on your generous Heart. It was always fond of rewarding Merit.

Skin. Read no more—I'll have every one of you indicted for Forgery—and Conspiracy and—first take Notice, Councellour Cormorant and Monsieur du Maigre, that I deny that Will to be any Act of mine—and that I cancel it to all Intents and Purposes.

Doct. That you can't do, Sir—for by way of Marriage Articles between Bellair and Harriet Lovewealth you have signed a Deed conformable to this Will.

Skin. Why this is such a piece of Villainy as the Records of Westminster Hall cannot match.

Coun. Do not be uneasy Sir Isaac, you have one, and one certain way of oversetting all their Villainy; and that is by confessing that you made this Will, and proving that you were out of your Senses when you did it, which may easily be done by proper Witnesses. (Aside)

Skin. I'll confess that or anything—to get my money again, and to hang them all—Doctor Leatherhead, I begin now to remember something of the making of this Will,—but I can prove I was lightheaded and out of my Senses when I did it.

Doct. Sir Isaac, it is no Affair of mine.—It is your Nephew's Concern; if he is willing to let such Chicane pass upon him, he may; but if he has a Mind to insist upon the Will, I'll undertake to prove you were in your Senses as perfectly as ever you were in your Life.

Skin. And will you insist, Nephew?

Bell. It is not in my Power to be off it, Sir, for in consequence that you were sincere when you made this Will, my Lady Lovewealth here has given me her Daughter, and her own Chaplain has just now put the finishing hand to the Business in the next Room, before all these Witnesses.

Skin. So you won't resign?

Bell. I can't, Sir.

Skin. Come along, Mr. Cormorant, I'll hamper them all—I'll prove myself out of my Senses before I sleep. (Exit Skinflint and Cormorant)

Maigre. By gar, dis be all ver great, much Surprize upon me, van, pardie, pardie make the Man make a de Vill veder he will or no, and de Man say he will prove dat he be Lunatic and lightheaded—by gar, me never hear de like in France, pardie, etc. etc.(Exit)

Shar. Well I believe this Affair is over for tonight; and upon my Word, I am heartily glad of it, for I have been in very sweating Circumstances ever since it began, but especially since Sir Isaac came to Life. I was afraid that single incident would have damned our whole Intrigue; but thanks to the Gentlemen of the Gown, I now begin to have some hopes we shall succeed. I have done my Master's Business completely, and as Executors go, I do not think that I have been too partial to myself—I believe there are several honest Gentlemen who walk the 'Change and go to Church constantly [who] would have thought they acted very generously if they had given Bellair even an equal Dividend—but I beg Pardon—you are to judge, not I, and unless you approve the Deed, I shall denounce my Share of the Legacy.