A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.
Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him, and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God. Could the arth be peopled? could the oseans be crossed? could the forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a problem az ever. If he governs the arth—if the lightnings obey him—if art iz the monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch, that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern himself. This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.
THE RASE KOARSE.
"Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"
Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.
The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz.
THE TRACK.
I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.
THE HOSSES
Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."
FUST HEAT.
The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner." Tha trotted sublimely, az clus az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits. Now the kontost becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh" yelled—on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer—tha make the last turn tew onst—tha look like a dubble team—the exsitement grows more intensely—the crowd sways to and fro—the ox cart trembles—tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed!—no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox-kart—the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking 2 seckunds.
REMARKS.
The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the gentleman, reporter for the Young Man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse.
SECKUND HEAT.
The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch, "Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour "Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits. "Juise Harp" winning, bi a quarter ov a mild. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais.
'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'
This iz good advise. I don't kno who waz the auther ov it, if I did, i wud go for rewarding him, either with a sett ov plated ware, or a prize in the art union. No man kould giv better advise, or consolashun; he ought tew hav a 2 story monament, when he dize, with an epitaff on it, founded on fack; he ought tew hav at leaste fifteen hundred little children named after him each year; he ought tew be nussed in men's memorys like a plesant dreme, that afterwards turned out tew be true. He ought to hav his fotograph taken bi evry new sky-lite in the land, he ought tew be sett tew musick, and be sung in conneckshun with the docksaloger; he ought tew be stereotyped, so that nu edishuns could constantly be worked oph tew meet the pressing demand.
"Giv the Devil hiz due." Yung man, this advise was got up for yu. If yu owe the Devil ennything pay him off at onse, and then discharge him, and dont hire him over agin at enny prise. That's what the author ment. Be honest, pay even the devil, if yu owe him, but dont owe him agin. If the proprietor ov this most worthy proverb, "Giv the devil hiz due," still lives, altho i haint had the pleasure ov an introducksion tew him, if he ever wants enny thing, even good advise, he kan git it in awl natiff purity and innersense, bi dropping a line tu his everlasting well wisher.
WATCH DOGS.
Mi dearly beloved christian friend, did yu ever visit enny body? Did yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs? Did yu ever visit enny boddy who resided in the subburbs, and kept a grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog, with very long hare on hiz bak?—Did yu ever hav this grate lank, yeller-devil dog cum loping down tu the frunt gate, tu welcum yu with a hiena yowl, and with the long hare on hiz bak pitching forward az tho it wud cum out bi the rutes, and his tale awl swelled up like a settin hen's? Kan yu rekolek the horrid fear that seized upon yu, and froze yu fast tu the arth, az the monster foamed in rage around yu? Yu gaze in agny tords the hous—it seems 3 weeks at least. At last the frunt door kautiously opens—yure lady friend recognizes yu: "Bless me! Mrs. Bingler, how glad i am tew cee yu! dew cum rite in. How pale the walk has made yu! Tiger! Tiger! hush yu! He is onla glad tew cee yu. Dew cum rite in, Mrs. Bingler." Mrs. Bingler, let me ask yu a question, privately: "Dew yu kandidly think that the luv yu bare for yure lady friend, Mrs. Baremore, who livs in the subberbs, iz enny kind ov atonement for the hate and horror that yu will alwus hav for the grate lank, watery-eyed, yeller dog Tiger that she keeps tew welcum her visitors with? If yu dew, please address, postage paid, Josh Billings, Box 467, Pokeepsie sitty."
ANSWER TO CONTRIBUTORS.
Amerikus.—Your contribushun is in hand. We like its fluidness. It is like ile on a side hill. Natur haz did a good thing for yu, and yu ought tew be willing tew dew a good thing for natur. This line in your produkshun strikes us as very butiful and original; "And larn the luxury of dewing good." Gold smith hisself mite hav bin proud ov sich a line. And again; "Oh would sum power the gifty giv us, ov seeing oursels as uthers cee us;" yure idee ov indroducing the skotch acksent into yure stile, is verry happee. If yu never hav red Robert Burns, yu will be suprised to larn that his style verry mutch resembles yures. Onse more yu sa; "If ignoranse is bliss, tis folly tew be wise." This sentiment is jist as tru as tis common. Pope, I think, has sumthing similar; but awl grate minds sometimes express theirselfs alike. Yure contribushun will appear in our nex issu, with a wood cut piktur ov a saw buck at the top ov it.
Beta—I think sumly as yu do, "this wurld is all a fleetin cirkus, for man's illushun given," but that aint no rezon for not pitching in and being illusioned onse in a while. I wouldn't giv a cent for a man who hadn't bin illusioned, and who didn't expect tew be several times again.
Mathew.—I see bi yure letter that yu hav determined tew studdy ministry. Yu sa yu hav doubts about yure talents being enuffly tew make a minister; i don't think that ought tew bluff yu oph, for i hav saw menny men ov almity mean tallents, who got tew be first rate ministers.
Philander.—Yu ask me which iz the most best, the marrid or the single condishun?—Most evry boddy, at sum time in their life, has tried the single state; also, moste evry boddy haz hankered after the double state, or married condishun. I hav tried both states, and am reddy to sware, that if a man kan git a woman who kan fri pancakes on both sides without burning them, and dont hanker tew be a wimmin's kommitty, the marrid state iz a heaven and arth, awl tew onst. But after awl the married state is a good deal like falling out ov a cherry tree, if a person don't happen tew git hurt, it is a good reason for not trieing it agin.
REMARKS.
It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.
I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.
"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people, who can shame the devil easy enuff but the tother thing bothers them.
If yu don't beleaf in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin and studdy it.
Their is one advantage in a plurality ov wifes; tha fite each other, insted ov their hustbands.
It is a verry delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimashun, and yures too.
As a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches, she has a good rite tew them.
I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean, than it duz generous.
Woman's inflooense is powerful—espeshila when she wants enny thing.
No man luvs tu git beat, but it is better tew git beat than tew be rong.
Awl kind ov bores are a nuisance, but it is better tew be bored with a 2 inch auger, than a gimblet.
"Be sure yu are rite then go ahed;" but in kase ov doubt go ahed enny wa.
Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git the wuss tha wurk.
The rode tew Ruin, is alwus kept in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense ov it.
If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never need to look for promoshun.
I hav got as much munny as sum folks, but i hav got as much impudence as enny ov them, and that is the next thing tew munny.
It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts his munny.
Dont mistake arroganse for wisdum; menny people hav thought tha was wise, when tha was onla windy.
The man who kant git ahed, without pulling others back, iz a limited cuss.
Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tu confess her faults.
Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil, and that is, the rode is easy, and yu are sure tew git thare.
Lastly—i am violently opposed tu arden speerits as a bevridge, but for manufaktering purposes, i think a leetle of it tastes good.
AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK.
So tha tell me, but i shud rather try a revolver on the savage, a blast ov powder on the rok, and good sharp vinegar on the kabbage. I haint searched history tew diskiver who giv the first consert ov musik. We are told, that in those days "the stars sang together," but in theze days yu kant git stars tew sing together. We often hear it said, "that such a person haz a good ear for musik." I don't fellership this remark; awl a person wants tew understand musik with, is a good soul; a "good ear" haint got enny more tew du with it than a good sett ov brains has tu do with charity. Musical crickets insist that if the gammut aint rite, the musik aint rite; this is awl nonsense; the gammut haint got enny more tew du with a musick-hungry man, than a knife and fork has with his dinner, if he is real hungry he can eat with his fingers. Musick want got up tew make us wise, but better natured. How much opera musick dew you suppose it wud taik tu make a man cry? Folks will tell yu that such an "overture fria dabulo" (or sum uther furrin big named thing) "waz moste heavenly rendered," tha mite as well tell me that a pumpkin pie was heavenly rendered. What do i care about the rendering, if i don't git a piece ov the pie? Let some Prime Donner, or Mezzer Soapraner, or Barrytown Base, or some sich latin individual, cum into this village, and histe their flag, and hav a programmy ov singing as long as a sarch warrant, and as hard tu spell out as a chinese proklamashun ritten upside down, and taxed seventy-five cents for a preserved seat, and moste evrybody will go tu hear it, bekause moste everybody else dus, and will sa, evry now and then, (out loud) "how bewitching! how delishus! how egstatick!" and nineteen out ov evry twenty-one ov them wouldn't kno it if the performance was a burlesk on their grandmother. Wouldn't it be fun tew cee one ov these opera singers undertake tu rok a baby tu sleep? i gess thare wud be two parts carried tu that song about that time. Suppoze yu shud come home at nite, a weary boy, and la yure hed in mother's lap, and she shud let out a opera, good Lord! wouldn't yu think yure mother was a lunatik, or ought to be one at onst, tu save her karacter. "Korrect taist," iz anuther big wurd; ive herd folks uze it whose finger nales wanted cleaning. Musik, after all, is sumthing like vittels, the more cooking and seasoning we uze, the more we have to hav, till after awhile we kant enjoy ennything ov the vittels but the pepper.—Opera dont hav enny more loosening affeck on me, than caster ile wud on a graven image. I set and gaze, and hark, and cee the whole aujence in hirogliphicks, and awl i kan do iz tu git mad that sich stuff is called musik. But awl the reasoning in the wurld wont convince menny people that tha haint got a rite tew go into fits over an opera tha dont understand a word ov; it iz the fashion tew expire and hav their souls dissolve in latin at the rate ov seventy-five cents, an it haz got to be did, "sink or swim, survive or perish." If enny boddy wants tu go and hear a man or woman disgorge musik, that has more kolik than melody into it, i suppose (under the constitushun) tha hav jist the same rite tew crusifi themselves enny uther wa, for sumbody's else sins that tha dont kno the natur of."
"MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN."
This waz the private opinion ov one Burns, a Skotchman, who waz very edikated tew poetri from his infansy. I and he differ, which is not uncommon among grate minds. The ornary minds in this wurld are disposed tew coinside, which iz the reson whi superstitions prevale so mutch. Tew differ upon matters with anuther is a fair presumpshun that yu are in the habit ov smelling ov things before yu swaller them. Man warnt made tew mourn, man waz made tew laff. He iz the onla creeter or thing that God made tew laff out loud. It iz tru he knows how to mourn, so duz the animills kno how, the birds can tell their sorrows, and the flowers kan hang their pretty heds. Man waz made tew smile, tew laff, tew haw! tew thro up his hat, and sing halleluger. Man waz made tew praze God, and he cant dew it bi mourning. Awl the mourning thare iz in this wurld was introduced bi man; man warnt made tew mourn any more than he was made to crawl. Tharfore i sa tew awl men and women, stop crying and go tew laffing, yu will last longer, and git fatter and stand jist as good a chanse tew git tew heaven with a smile on your countenanse, as yu will with yure fase leaking at every pore. I sa man want made tew mourn, if he had bin he would not hav bin put in Paradise, whare every thing else was made in the image ov smiles.
P.S.—I don't want ennybody tew think that i am down on Burns, for i dew consider him the most Poet that ever lived. I had ruther be the authur ov one poum i kno ov, that he rit, than tew be king and queen ov England, and keep a hoss and carriage; but "man warnt made tew mourn" Robert Burns, he iz the kause of hiz own sorrow. For enny further informashun tutching this subjek, address, post paid, with stamp enclosed.
PROVERBS.
What a sarkasm it is tew a ded man's memory, tew ask "how much munny he left?"
I don't like tew be alwus a asking questions, but i would really like tu kno whi it is that so manny wimmin who are so thin in the face, stick out so every where else!
Tha tell ov an orful sharp feller out west, who broke out ov an alms houze and made sixteen hundred and thirty two 75/100 dollars, in the substitude bizness, before tha kould ketch him.
The bible asks us, "what will it proffitt a man, if he gain the whole world and loze hiz own soul?" i suppose this depends sumwhat upon the size ov the soul, i think thare are kases whare the trade would do.
The term "skunked," which we often hear applied tew them that gits beat, waz diskovered in this wa: a Radikal and a Conservatiff, went out hunting skunks. The Radikal diskovered one at sum distanse off and without trieing tew git nearer, drew up his musquet, and shot him ded. The Consarvatiff undertook tew ketch his skunk alive, and the konsequents waz, he got—skunked.
The old proverb sez, "Giv the Devil his due!" if this is put thru, what will bekum ov yu, mi friend? and the rest ov the—nabors?
KISSING CONSIDERED.
"Man was made tew mourn," so warbled Burns, "and woman was made tew kiss," so warbles Billings. One ov these centiments haz bin alreddy immortalised, and the other i intend shall be as soon as the Legislater meets. I am not yet lusid how i shall bring the matter befoar that honorabil boddy; but i dew kno how the honorabel boddy feals on the subject, and how tha will act if ever tha hav a good chanse. To give a fertile and golden opinyun, upon kissing in the lump, and kissing in the detale, requires a man ov truth, and sum experiense in tasteing.
IN THE LUMP.
Kissing iz one ov those fu things that is easier dun than deskribed; in fack, about the onla way tew deskribe it well is tew do it well. It iz, without doubt, a verry anshunt enterprise; and judgeing from what we kno ov human natur in this latitude, it must hav struk Adam as a good investment when he fust diskovered hiz wife. If Adam didn't kiss Eve at sight he aint the man i take him tew be; and if Eve didn't relish it, it must hav bin bekause it want well did. Thare iz one thing about kissing in the lump, diffrent from the rest ov the fine arts and that iz, it don't require enny eddikashun tew dew it; i hav even thort that the more unedikated it waz did (provided it didn't miss the mark) the more touching it was tew behold. But kissing is a good deal like eating; thare is not much fun (when a person iz hungry) in standing by, and see it did bi anuther fellow, if it iz did ever so well. It is one ov the cheapess and healthyess luxurys ov the season, and don't sho enny disposishun tew go out ov fashion, and will keep sweet in enny climate. Upon the whole, if yu examine kissing in the lump, clussly, yu will be led tew exclaim: Fustly, that it iz as easy tew hav it did, az it is handy tew dew it. Sekundly, that it is like Cowpers tea, it cures a man without corning him; and, Thirdly, it is a frugal, highly consentrated, and reverend luxury.
IN DETALE.
When we cum tew thro oph glittering generalitys and approach our subjeck in single file, it is then that the divinitee ov the art seems to be spotted; and reveals tew us awl the shades ov pomp and sirkumstanze, from the sublime and tender, clear down tew the redikilus and tuff. Mother's kiss and little baby's kiss are az pure az the utterance ov angells; so is the artless kiss ov sister Mary and—couzin Fanny; but thare iz one cold, blu, lean kiss, that alwus makes me shiver tew see. Two persons (ov the femail perswashun) who hav witnesst a grate menny younger and more pulpy daze, meet in sum publik plase, and not having saw each uther for 24 hours tha kiss immegiately; then tha talk about the weather, and the young man who preached yesterday, and then tha kiss immegiately, and then tha blush and laff at what tha sa tew each other, and kiss agin immegiately. I would not objeckt tew awl this if it want sich a waste ov swetness on the dessart air. I am willing tew be sworn that this kind ov kissing alwus puts me in minde ov two olde flints trieing tew strike fire. How different this from the konnubial kiss i witnesst laste nite. I knu he wast a husband jist got back from a bizzness tower, bi hiz haste. He passt me at the korner below, and awl unexpected enkountered hiz wife, and as natral as the bee tew the flower, tha flu together. Thare want enny thing sentimental about that kiss; thare want enny thing criminal about it. It rang out on the air as clear as the challenge ov a perlice offiser—it filled a whole block. Thare want mutch prelimnary about it neither, for it smashed a 50 dollar bonnett, and muxed up a barricade ov edging and frizzled tucker. It want the fust one, it waz tew well did for that. It want the sipping ov two trembling lovers, afraid ov the echo; it want studdyed out nor stolen, but it wast full ov honest ripeness and chastened struggle which made me hanker for—for, one oph from the same peace. Jist one more remark and I am thru. Thare is one kind ov kissing that has alwus been deeemd extra hazardous (on akount ov fire) and that is kissing yure naber's wife. Gitting the wife's consent don't seem tew make the matter enny the less risky.
Moral.—Don't eat onions during the kissing seazon unless yu chew them well.
FOR A FU MINNITS AMUNG THE SPEERITS.
Bi invitashun i had the happiness tew attend a speerit cirkle in the good old town ov Billingsville last week. A long haired feller bi the name of Professer McGuire, with a face that looked like a sucked lemon, waz the midwife ov the okasion. It seemed that a Mister Bloodgood wanted a dispatch from Miss Jerusha Perkins, who, he claimed, was in the speerit land. After the kandel waz subdued and strikt silence ensued, sum ov the alfiredest thumps took plase on the tabel; mi hair begin tew stan up, and i wished i waz out ov the consarn; but after taking an akount ov stock i cum tew the inference that i could knock the spots oph from the whole bileing ov them, if it cum to actooal bizzness i agreed tew set still and see the whole sport.
In a fu space ov time McGuire begin tew git news from Jerusha, which he ced waz official and waz in the shape ov a letter, and he wud translate it as follers:
"Dear Augustus Sidney Bloodgood: Having a fu spare time tew devote terestial things, i take mi pen in hand tew rite yu a fu lines. I am well, and hope theze fu lines will find yu enjoying the same blessin. I hav jist returned from the gardin ov Eden whare i hav bin with Dave Sturgiss, who was killed at the battell ov Gettisburg bi gitting choked with a pease ov hard tacks. The weather iz fine, and there iz evry prospeck ov krops; I never see the potaters look finer. Dri goods is cheap here, yu can buy good factory cottin cloth, yard wide, for eleven cents a yard and hav thred thrown in. I see the Widder Bostwick yesterday, she looks as starched up as ever.
"Would yu beleaf it, dear Augustus, that ugly Miss Snubdin is here, how yu used tew hate her! yu kno yu used tew sa that she wud go tew that uther land ov speerits. Let me hear from yu oftin thru the dear McGuire. Me and anuther speerit bi the name of Julia roost on the same celestial tree, and we oftin talk over the fellers we used tu know, and yu kan bet high, dear Augustus, that yu are the one that i brag on. Don't let enny ov them terestial mortals fool yu with their luv, for Jerusha's essence has no affinitee but for her corporeal jewell, Augustus Sidney Bloodgood."
At this junkter thare waz 6 raps on the tabel about az fast and loud az tho there waz playing kards, and sumboddy about being eukered; then awl was still and the kandels waz lit, and evry boddy sot in aw and amazement. The sircle broke up immejiately, and i passed out with mi frend, who asked me what i thought ov speerit manifestashuns now. I told him i thought if evrything waz on the square, that Bloodgood had a ded sure thing on Jerush.
SAYINGS.
A gest is sumthin that is sharp enuff to be notised, and not rude enuff tu be resented.
"Solaman was a wize man," but when he ced thar warnt enny thing nu under the sun, he hadn't herd ov Hudsin River time tables.
"Large bodys move slo," this ere proverb dont apply tu lies, for the bigger tha ar, the faster tha go.
The only wa tu pleze evra boddy, is tu make evry boddy think yu ar a bigger fule than tha ar.
Ignorance is ced tu be bliss, this ma be so, I never tried it.
It's just as natral for lawyers tu lie, as it is for a white hared yung one's nose tu run.
The man who kan ware a shirt a hole week and keap it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.
The more we hav, the more we want, and the more we want, the less we hav.
"The law ov nashuns;" iron klad gun botes.
Evra sorrow has its twin joy; the fun of skraching almost pays for having the ich.
JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH.
"Hum agin! Hum agin! from a forrin shore!" or in uther wurds less juicy but equally tru, i hav got back from Long Branche, whither i went tew git mi buty and health restored. I waz thare 2 weeks, and lost 50 pounds in munny, and gained 10 pounds in meat. i feal like a fur tippet. I shall go down nex summer, if mi life iz spared also. I made a grate menny nu ackquaintance, that will be hard tew fergit, amung which, waz a nu kind of likker, which they kall apple toddy; this likker would be an invaluable dockument tew take amung the heathen tew convert them; 2 horns ov it would set them crazy—for civilizashun. The natur ov the sile or land there iz impregnated with sand, which iz adapted tew raisin a dust when the wind bloze, and also iz capabel ov produsing, (az i see bi the statisticks ov the state sensus) more fleas tew the aker without the aid ov manure, than iz needed for hum consumption. The two prinsipal attrackshuns there iz the air, and the water, which are to be had in enny quantity, at a slite advanse from fust cost. The men and wimmin go in swimming together which at the fust sight looks a leetle risky, but az soon az they git used tew it, tha tell me, tha aint afrade ov each other at all. Thare iz 15 taverns at Long Branch, and thare iz ground room tew build more ov them, and az far az i kno, no man need tew go away without spending awl ov hiz munny, if he haz got enny ambishun about him. Thare waz sevral verry fashionable wimmin on exhibishun thare, and altho they didn't hav on mutch clothes, what they did hav, waz wuth the munny. I also saw sevral diamonds thare, which they ced were discovered at little falls, in this state, and waz wuth respectfully, from 2, to 5 dollars. One verry pleazing feeter waz the fast trotting hosses which belonged tew the natives ov the surrounding country, which were brought down in front ov the taverns evry day, tew trot for the amuzement, & instruktion, ov the guests. The Hosses didn't seem to me tew trot az fast az the drivers did, but i dont think enny body ever saw more dust raized, still, if hollering out loud iz enny sign that the hosses waz a trotting fast, then Flory Temple never had any bizness at Long Branch, unless it waz for her health. Hoss trotting iz at best a cruel enterprize, but when it iz gone into, with slow hosses, and unskillful drivers, it iz about az disgusting az the opening ov Rockaway clams, with a shoe-hammer. You will find awl the different styles ov docktrine and pollyticks, at Long Branche. One feller asked me "if i didn't think that the southern confederasy would be recognized before long," and i ced, that the southren confederasy had bin recognized, for more than 3 years, bi awl sensibel & honest people, az the moste cussidest ov awl things cussid. And another feller asked me what i thought ov the doktrine ov poligamy. i replied tew him, in a few wurds, that it waz tew mutch doktrine, for enny one man tew hav, and dew the subjeck justiss. Az good a way az enny tew git tew Long Branch, iz bi the steam Bote Jesser Hoyt, and the Delaware Ba ralerode. The cars on this rale rode will put enny man in minde ov one ov the cages in which van amburgh's trained animels are carried around the kuntry, and az for speed, thare iz but one thing on arth slower, and that iz a bread pill. In konclusion, Long Branch iz about the onla thing in the state ov Nu Jersee, that dont belong tew the Camptown, and Amboy Ralerode, and ought tew be visited as a natral curiosity on that vera akount, if for no uther. The prinsipel amuzements ov the plase are pitching cents, and walking a mile and a half, back into the kuntry, tew see a liberty pole. Thare iz one custom thare that mite be altered, if it couldn't be improved, and that iz awl the niggers seem tew hav bin born for the express purpiss ov standing around when a guest leaves, with evry feature in their fase resembling a 25 cent shinplaster in distress, and even the Landlord's look, and act az tho you waz going oph, without paying them awl the munny yu had. Visiting Long Branch, in this respeck, iz like going down into a marsh, in muskeeter time, awl the inhabitants stick a bill into you. Thare iz no ingenuity in this wa ov skinning a man, it iz like skinning a cat, a little evry day, tew make it hurt less.
Yours at sight,
Josh Billings.
TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS.
Cora.—Now yu ask me tew mutch. I kant giv no sartin resippee tew make a feller pop the question. Sum men are awful slow on a court, tha are like olde houn dogs, all tha want iz to be sure tha are on the rite track, and don't seem tew kare if tha don't never cum up with the game. If i was a gal, and one ov this kind ov dogs got after me, i wud hole rite off, and if he didn't commense tu dig me out at onst, i shud kno he waz only hunting for fun.
Rebekar.—I am dredful sorry tew hear yu are a widder. I kno how tu pity yu, i haint never bin a widder miself, but i hav bin in a habit ov pittying widders, for a grate length ov time. And yu tell me yu are a yung widder too, wuss and wusser. If yu find that thare aint nobody in yure naberhood who understands pittying yung widders, let me kno at onst, and i will see what kan be did for yu.
Flora.—I like yure spirit, yu hav got a soul. Thare aint no diskount on to it. Stan yure ground, don't giv an inch the olde man will cum to hiz milk bimeby. The idee that yu kant hav a bonnet az good as Sal Parker haz got, iz darned likely. If i waz a gal, and mi olde man wouldn't go 50 dollars for me a plane bonnet, blame me if i wouldn't go into a dekline, spit blood, or hav a pane in the bak, or see a ghost, and set and shiver till the olde man cum doun with the bonnet.
Lizzy.—Yu sa yu are sixteen years old, and aint marrid yet. That looks a little dusty, but don't dispare, az long az thare iz life theres hope. If i hear ov enny boddy looking around for a woman, ill let yu kno forthwithly. Send me forty or fifty ov yure fotograffs, tha are good things tu skatter around luce. Az i ced in mi last letter i kant la doun no rule tu kech a hustband, men kant tell themselves half the time what ketched them, awl tha kno iz that tha git keched the cussedest evra now and then.
Matilda.—Lap dogs are verry skase jist now prinsipally owing tew the skasity ov them. I see one yesterda that was almost heavenly. The owner asked 50 dollars for him, he had sore eys, and the itch, but tha tell me that awl lap dogs haz theze trifling komplantes. I saw anuther one, which the owner onla asked thirty-five dollars for, he had small sized fits, but waz warrented not tew hav more than three fits in enny one da. I think this dog iz jist what yu are looking for; i offered thirty-seven dollars for him, if the owner wud heave in a vial ov fits medisin. He is tew giv me an anser tomorrow.
P. S.—I hav bought the dog and will send him bi xpress. hiz name iz Agusty Seazer.
ON WIDDERS.
Widders are an interesting studdy. Tha ma be dividid (tew anser our purpis,) into 3 classes: The Lone, The Grass, and The Star Spangled Banner Widder. The Lone Widder iz ginerally selebrated for her piety, she haz passed the middle ov life, she knows she haz got gra hairs in her hed, she will tell her age, and talks tenderla ov her ded husband. Her grief iz sober, her weeds are rank, if she iz ritch, she is charitable, if she is poor, she is humble. She seldum marrys the sekund time. Her cheerfulness never bekums gayety, and her sorrow never bekums lamentashun. If she has children, she treats them as the partners ov her bereavment, if she has none, she bends down tew those she meets as she wud tew the arly flower in her pathway. Her hole life is a glora tew her sek, and an honour evra da tew him whose good memry amung men she perpetuates.
The Grass Widder is marrid without enny husband. She keeps house at a hotel, and kalls the servants bi familiar names. She sez that her husband is a kurnel in the armee. Her thesis is unkongenial tempraments, she kan repeat Don Juan, and hides Boccassio's tales under her pillow. If she wud ride out she orders a coach, and a gentleman; if she is ritch, she is arrogant, if she is poor, she is brasen. She kalls virtue prudery, and sez she wouldn't swop chastity with Dianner. If her kurnel is fortunate enuff tew git shot in battle, yu ma meet her and hiz Lutenant at Nuport nex summer, marrid—for the season.
The Star Spangled Widder iz yung, ornamental, and—a fule. She marrid her husband bekauze hiz name waz Alphonzo, and she mourns for him in at least 50 feet ov krape. Her fingers are as jewelled as the hilt ov a Spanish dagger. She was eddikated at a fust klass seminare, with a 9 months' vakashun in it evry year, and talks awl the languages, excep english, bravely. She gases on you from beneath her limber eyelashes, as pensiv as a wel fed kitten. Yu ma think she wants tew marry, but she thinks she onla wants a friend. If she shud snare some old feller, with a full puss, she wil make him a good toddy stik for his beverage. She has more chastity than sens, and more vartue than affeckshun.
Upon refleckshun i am disposed tew sa that there iz no condishun that a woman iz kalled upon tew fill so delikate, and so diffikult, as the widder; a condishun in which the lovlaness ov their naturs kan be made tew challenge our respek and admirashun, az alzo, a condishun in which their frailties may exsite our abhorrense, and their weakness, our disguss—Amen!
THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE.
A man out at the elbows, and his wife out tew a woman's rites convenshun.
A yung lady ov more circumference than the diameter ov her father's real estate.
A boy under 15 with over 15 bad habits.
A long bill at the tailor's, that belongs tew a short Bill at the St. Nicholas.
A man who haz more hair under his nose than knows under his hair.
A virgin who haz beat 40, afrade ov a rane bo.
A pollytision leading in prayer.
A man whoze houze wants painting a different culler from hiz noze.
Charitee that evra boddy knowz ov.
A house so divided agin itself, that it dont kno which wa tew fall.
"Augers that won't bore," unless tha kan hav the privilege ov splitting.