[337] ΙΟΥΛΙΑΝΟΥ ΑΥΤΟΚΡΑΤΟΡΟΣ

(Julian, Emperor)

ΑΝΤΙΟΧΙΚΟΣ679 Η ΜΙΣΟΠΩΓΩΝ

(Antiochene, or Beard-Hater)

Ἀνακρέοντι τῷ ποιητῇ πολλὰ ἐποιήθη μέλη χαρίεντα· τρυφᾶν γὰρ ἔλαχεν ἐκ μοιρῶν· Ἀλκαίῳ δ᾽ οὐκέτι οὐδ᾽ Ἀρχιλόχῳ τῷ Παρίῳ τὴν μοῦσαν ἔδωκεν ὁ θεὸς εἰς εὐφροσύνας καὶ ἡδονὰς τρέψαι· μοχθεῖν γὰρ ἄλλοτε ἄλλως ἀναγκαζόμενοι τῇ μουσικῇ πρὸς τοῦτο ἐχρῶντο, [B] κουφότερα ποιοῦντες αὑτοῖς ὅσα ὁ δαίμων ἐδίδου τῇ εἰς τοὺς ἀδικοῦντας λοιδορίᾳ. ἐμοὶ δὲ ἀπαγορεύει μὲν ὁ νόμος ἐπ᾽ ὀνόματος αἰτιᾶσθαι τοὺς ἀδικουμένους μὲν οὐδέν, εἶναι δ᾽ ἐπιχειροῦντας δυσμενεῖς, ἀφαιρεῖται δὲ τὴν ἐν τοῖς μέλεσι μουσικὴν ὁ νῦν ἐπικρατῶν ἐν τοῖς ἐλευθέροις τῆς παιδείας τρόπος. αἴσχιον γὰρ εἶναι δοκεῖ νῦν μουσικὴν ἐπιτηδεύειν, ἢ πάλαι ποτὲ ἐδόκει τὸ πλουτεῖν ἀδίκως. [C] οὐ μὴν ἀφέξομαι διὰ τοῦτο τῆς ἐμοὶ δυνατῆς ἐκ μουσῶν ἐπικουρίας. ἐθεασάμην τοι καὶ τοὺς ὑπὲρ τὸν [pg 422] Ῥῆνον βαρβάρους ἄγρια μέλη λέξει πεποιημένα παραπλησίᾳ τοῖς κρωγμοῖς τῶν τραχὺ βοώντων ὀρνόθων ᾄδοντας καὶ εὐφραινομένους ἐπὶ τοῖς μέλεσιν. [338] εἶναι γὰρ οἶμαι συμβαίνει τοῖς φαύλοις τὴν μουσικὴν λυπηροῖς μὲν τοῖς θεάτροις, σφίσι δ᾽ αὐτοῖς ἡδίστοις. ὁ δὴ καὶ αὐτὸς ξυννοήσας εἴωθα πρὸς ἐμαυτὸν λέγειν ὅπερ ὁ Ἰσμηνίας οὐκ ἀπὸ τῆς ἴσης μὲν ἕξεως, ἀπὸ δὲ τῆς ὁμοίας, ὡς ἐμαυτὸν πείθω, μεγαλοφροσύνης, ὅτι δῆτα ταῖς μούσαις ᾄδω καὶ ἐμαυτῷ.

(Anacreon the poet composed many delightful songs; for a luxurious life was allotted to him by the Fates. But Alcaeus and Archilochus of Paros680 the god did not permit to devote their muse to mirth and pleasure. For constrained as they were to endure toil, now of one sort, now of another, they used their poetry to relieve their toil, and by abusing those who wronged them they lightened the burdens imposed on them by Heaven. But as for me, the law forbids me to accuse by name those who, though I have done them no wrong, try to show their hostility to me; and on the other hand the fashion of education that now prevails among the well-born deprives me of the use of the music that consists in song. For in these days men think it more degrading to study music than once in the past they thought it to be rich by dishonest means. Nevertheless I will not on that account renounce the aid that it is in my power to win from the Muses. Indeed I have observed that even the barbarians across the Rhine sing savage songs composed in language not unlike the croaking of harsh-voiced birds, and that they delight in such songs. For I think it is always the case that inferior musicians, though they annoy their audiences, give very great pleasure to themselves. And with this in mind I often say to myself, like Ismenias—for though my talents are not equal to his, I have as I persuade myself a similar independence of soul—“I sing for the Muses and myself.”681)

Τὸ δ᾽ ᾆσμα πεζῇ μὲν λέξει πεποίηται, λοιδορίας δ᾽ ἔχει πολλὰς καὶ μεγάλας, οὐκ εἰς ἄλλους μὰ Δία· [B] πῶς γάρ; ἀπαγορεύοντος τοῦ νόμου· εἰς δὲ τὸν ποιητὴν αὐτὸν καὶ τὸν ξυγγραφέα. τὸ γὰρ εἰς ἑαυτὸν γράφειν εἴτε ἐπαίνους εἴτε ψόγους εἴργει νόμος οὐδείς. ἐπαινεῖν μὲν δὴ καὶ σφόδρα ἐθέλων ἐμαυτὸν οὐκ ἔχω, ψέγειν δὲ μυρία, καὶ πρῶτον ἀρξάμενος ἀπὸ τοῦ προσώπου. τούτῳ γὰρ οἶμαι φύσει γεγονότι μὴ λίαν καλῷ μηδ᾽ εὐπρεπεῖ μηδ᾽ ὡραίῳ ὑπὸ δυστροπίας καὶ δυσκολίας αὐτὸς [C] προστέθεικα τὸν βαθὺν τουτονὶ πώγωνα, δίκας αὐτὸ πραττόμενος, ὡς ἔοικεν, οὐδενὸς μὲν ἄλλου, τοῦ δὲ μὴ φύσει γενέσθαι καλόν. ταῦτά τοι διαθεόντων ἀνέχομαι τῶν φθειρῶν ὥσπερ ἐν λόχμῃ τῶν θηρίων. ἐσθίειν δὲ λάβρως ἢ πίνειν χανδὸν οὐ συγχωροῦμαι· δεῖ γὰρ οἶμαι προσέχειν, μὴ λάθω συγκαταφαγὼν682 τὰς τρίχας [pg 424] τοῖς ἄρτοις. [D] ὑπὲρ δὲ τοῦ φιλεῖσθαι καὶ φιλεῖν ἥκιστα ἀλγῶ. καίτοι καὶ τοῦτο ἔχειν ἔοικεν ὁ πώγων ὥσπερ τὰ ἄλλα λυπηρόν, οὐκ ἐπιτρέπων καθαρὰ λείοις καὶ διὰ τοῦτο οἶμαι γλυκερώτερα χείλεσι χείλη προσμάττειν, ὅπερ ἤδη τις ἔφη τῶν ἐργασαμένων ξὺν τῷ Πανὶ καὶ τῇ Καλλιόπῃ εἰς τὸν Δάφνιν ποιήματα. ὑμεῖς δέ φατε δεῖν καὶ σχοινία πλέκειν ἐνθένδε· καὶ ἕτοιμος παρέχειν, ἢν μόνον ἕλκειν δυνηθῆτε καὶ μὴ τὰς ἀτρίπτους ὑμῶν καὶ μαλακὰς χεῖρας ἡ τραχύτης αὐτῶν δεινὰ ἐργάσηται. νομίσηι δὲ μηδεὶς δυσχεραίνειν ἐμὲ τῷ σκώμματι. [339] δίδωμι γὰρ αὐτὸς τὴν αἰτίαν ὥσπερ οἱ τράγοι τὸ γένειον ἔχων, ἐξὸν οἶμαι λεῖον αὐτὸ ποιεῖν καὶ ψιλόν, ὁποῖον οἱ καλοὶ τῶν παίδων ἔχουσιν ἅπασαί τε αἱ γυναῖκες, αἷς φύσει πρόσεστι τὸ ἐράσμιον. ὑμεῖς δὲ καὶ ἐν τῷ γήρᾳ ζηλοῦντες τοὺς ὑμῶν αὐτῶν υἱέας καὶ τὰς θυγατέρας ὑπὸ ἁβρότητος βίου καὶ ἴσως ἁπαλότητος τρόπου λεῖον ἐπιμελῶς ἐργάζεσθε, τὸν ἄνδρα ὑποφαίνοντες [B] καὶ παραδεικνύντες διὰ τοῦ μετώπου καὶ οὐχ ὥσπερ ἡμεῖς ἐκ τῶν γνάθων.

(However the song that I now sing has been composed in prose, and it contains much violent abuse, directed not, by Zeus, against others—how could it be, since the law forbids?—but against the poet and author himself. For there is no law to prevent one's writing either praise or criticism of oneself. Now as for praising myself, though I should be very glad to do so, I have no reason for that; but for criticising myself I have countless reasons, and first I will begin with my face. For though nature did not make this any too handsome or well-favoured or give it the bloom of youth, I myself out of sheer perversity and ill-temper have added to it this long beard of mine, to punish it, as it would seem, for this very crime of not being handsome by nature. For the same reason I put up with the lice that scamper about in it as though it were a thicket for wild beasts. As for eating greedily or drinking with my mouth wide open, it is not in my power; for I must take care, I suppose, or before I know it I shall eat up some of my own hairs along with my crumbs of bread. In the matter of being kissed and kissing I suffer no inconvenience whatever. And yet for this as for other purposes a beard is evidently troublesome, since it does not allow one to press shaven “lips to other lips more sweetly”—because they are smooth, I suppose—as has been said already by one of those who with the aid of Pan and Calliope composed poems in honour of Daphnis.683 But you say that I ought to twist ropes from it! Well I am willing to provide you with ropes if only you have the strength to pull them and their roughness does not do dreadful damage to your “unworn and tender hands.”684 And let no one suppose that I am offended by your satire. For I myself furnish you with an excuse for it by wearing my chin as goats do, when I might, I suppose, make it smooth and bare as handsome youths wear theirs, and all women, who are endowed by nature with loveliness. But you, since even in your old age you emulate your own sons and daughters by your soft and delicate way of living, or perhaps by your effeminate dispositions, carefully make your chins smooth, and your manhood you barely reveal and slightly indicate by your foreheads, not by your jaws as I do.)

Ἐμοὶ δὲ οὐκ ἀπέχρησε μόνον ἡ βαθύτης τοῦ γενείου, ἀλλὰ καὶ τῇ κεφαλῇ πρόσεστιν αὐχμός, καὶ ὀλιγάκις κείρομαι καὶ ὀνυχίζομαι, καὶ τοὺς δακτύλους ὑπὸ τοῦ καλάμου τὰ πολλὰ ἔχω μέλανας. εἰ δὲ βούλεσθέ τι καὶ τῶν ἀπορρήτων μαθεῖν, ἔστι μοι τὸ στῆθος δασὺ καὶ λάσιον ὥσπερ [pg 426] τῶν λεόντων, οἵπερ βασιλεύουσι τῶν θηρίων, οὐδὲ ἐποίησα λεῖον αὐτὸ πώποτε διὰ δυσκολίαν καὶ μικροπρέπειαν, [C] οὐδὲ ἄλλο τι μέρος τοῦ σώματος εἰργασάμην λεῖον οὐδὲ μαλακόν. εἶπον γ᾽ ἂν ὑμῖν, εἴ τις ἦν μοι καὶ ἀκροχορδὼν ὥσπερ τῷ Κικέρωνι·685 νυνὶ δ᾽ οὐκ ἔστι. καὶ εἰ686 συγγινώσκετε, φράσω ὑμῖν καὶ687 ἕτερον. ἐμοὶ γὰρ οὐκ ἀπόχρῃ τὸ σῶμα εἶναι τοιοῦτο, πρὸς δὲ καὶ δίαιτα παγχάλεπος ἐπιτηδεύεται. εἴργω τῶν θεάτρων ἐμαυτὸν ὑπ᾽ ἀβελτηρίας, οὐδ᾽ εἴσω τῆς αὐλῆς παραδέχομαι τὴν θυμέλην ἔξω τῆς νουμηνίας τοῦ ἔτους ὑπ᾽ ἀναισθησίας, [D] ὥσπερ τινὰ φόρον ἢ δασμὸν εἰσφέρων καὶ ἀποδιδοὺς ἄγροικος ὀλίγα ἔχων οὐκ ἐπιεικεῖ δεσπότῃ. καὶ τότε δὲ εἰσελθὼν τοῖς ἀφοσιουμένοις ἔοικα. κέκτημαι δὲ οὐδένα, καὶ ταῦτα βασιλεὺς ἀκούων μέγας, ὃς καθάπερ ὕπαρχος ἢ στρατηγὸς διὰ πάσης τῆς οἰκουμένης ἄρξει τῶν μίμων καὶ τῶν ἡνιόχων· ὅπερ ὑμεῖς ὁρῶντες ὀλίγῳ πρότερον

(But as though the mere length of my beard were not enough, my head is dishevelled besides, and I seldom have my hair cut or my nails, while my fingers are nearly always black from using a pen. And if you would like to learn something that is usually a secret, my breast is shaggy, and covered with hair, like the breasts of lions who among wild beasts are monarchs like me, and I have never in my life made it smooth, so ill-conditioned and shabby am I nor have I made any other part of my body smooth or soft. If I had a wart like Cicero,688 I would tell you so; but as it happens I have none. And by your leave I will tell you something else. I am not content with having my body in this rough condition, but in addition the mode of life that I practise is very strict indeed. I banish myself from the theatres, such a dolt am I, and I do not admit the thymele689 within my court except on the first day of the year, because I am too stupid to appreciate it; like some country fellow who from his small means has to pay a tax or render tribute to a harsh master. And even when I do enter the theatre I look like a man who is expiating a crime. Then again, though I am entitled a mighty Emperor, I employ no one to govern the mimes and chariot-drivers as my lieutenant or general throughout the inhabited world. And observing this recently,)

[340] Ἦν μὲν οὖν ἴσως καὶ τοῦτο βαρὺ καὶ δεῖγμα ἐναργὲς μοχθηρίας τρόπου· προστίθημι δὲ ἐγώ τι καινότερον ἀεί· μισῶ τὰς ἱπποδρομίας, ὥσπερ οἱ χρήματα ὠφληκότες τὰς ἀγοράς. ὀλιγάκις οὖν εἰς αὐτὰς φοιτῶ ἐν ταῖς ἑορταῖς τῶν θεῶν [pg 428] οὐδὲ διημερεύω, καθάπερ εἰώθεσαν ὅ τε ἀνεψιὸς ὁ ἐμὸς καὶ ὁ θεῖος καὶ ὁ ἀδελφὸς ὁ ὁμοπάτριος. ἓξ δὲ τοὺς πάντας θεώμενος δρόμους, οὐδ᾽ αὐτοὺς ὡς ἄν τις ἐρῶν [B] τοῦ πράγματος ἢ ναὶ μὰ Δία μὴ μισῶν αὐτὸ μηδὲ ἀποστρεφόμενος, ἄσμενος ἀπαλλάττομαι.

(Perhaps you had this other grievance and clear proof of the worthlessness of my disposition—for I keep on adding some still more strange characteristic—I mean that I hate horse-races as men who owe money hate the market-place. Therefore I seldom attend them, only during the festivals of the gods; and I do not stay the whole day as my cousin692 used to do, and my uncle693 and my brother and my father's son.694 Six races are all that I stay to see, and not even those with the air of one who loves the sport, or even, by Zeus, with the air of one who does not hate and loathe it, and I am glad to get away.)

Ἀλλὰ τὰ μὲν ἔξω ταῦτα· καίτοι πόστον εἴρηταί μοι μέρος τῶν ἐμῶν εἰς ὑμᾶς ἀδικημάτων; τὰ δὲ ἔνδον ἄγρυπνοι νύκτες ἐν στιβάδι, καὶ τροφὴ παντὸς ἥττων κόρου πικρὸν ἦθος ποιεῖ καὶ τρυφώσῃ πόλει πολέμιον. οὐ μὴν ὑμῶν· γ᾽ ἕνεκα τοῦτο ἐπιτηδεύεται παρ᾽ ἐμοῦ· δεινὴ δέ τις ἐκ παιδαρίου με καὶ ἀνόητος ἀπάτη καταλαβοῦσα τῇ γαστρὶ πολεμεῖν ἔπεισεν, οὐδὲ ἐπιτρέπω [C] πολλῶν ἐμπίμπλασθαι σιτίων αὐτῇ. ὀλιγιστάκις695 οὖν ἐμοὶ τῶν πάντων ἐμέσαι συνέβη. καὶ μέμνημαι αὐτὸ παθὼν ἐξ ὅτου καῖσαρ ἐγενόμην ἅπαξ ἀπὸ συμπτώματος, οὐ πλησμονῆς. ἄξιον δὲ ὑπομνησθῆναι διηγήματος οὐδὲ αὐτοῦ πάνυ χαρίεντος, ἐμοὶ δὲ διὰ τοῦτο μάλιστα οἰκείου.

(But all these things are externals; and indeed what a small fraction of my offences against you have I described! But to turn to my private life within the court. Sleepless nights on a pallet and a diet that is anything rather than surfeiting make my temper harsh and unfriendly to a luxurious city like yours. However it is not in order to set an example to you that I adopt these habits. But in my childhood a strange and senseless delusion came over me and persuaded me to war against my belly, so that I do not allow it to fill itself with a great quantity of food. Thus it has happened to me most rarely of all men to vomit my food. And though I remember having this experience once, after I became Caesar, it was by accident and was not due to over-eating. It may be worth while to tell the story which is not in itself very graceful, but for that very reason is especially suited to me.)

[D] Ἐτύγχανον ἐγὼ χειμάζων περὶ τὴν φίλην Λουκετίαν· ὀνομάζουσι δ᾽ οὕτως οἱ Κελτοὶ τῶν Παρισίων τὴν πολίχνην· ἔστι δ᾽ οὐ μεγάλη νῆσος ἐγκειμένη τῷ ποταμῷ, καὶ αὐτὴν κύκλῳ πᾶσαν τεῖχος περιλαμβάνει,696 ξύλιναι δ᾽ ἐπ᾽ αὐτὴν ἀμφοτέρωθεν εἰσάγουσι γέφυραι, καὶ ὀλιγάκις ὁ ποταμὸς ἐλαττοῦται καὶ μείζων γένεται, τὰ πολλὰ δ᾽ ἔστιν ὁποῖος ὥρᾳ θέρους καὶ χειμῶνος, [pg 430] ὕδωρ ἥδιστον καὶ καθαρώτατον ὁρᾶν καὶ πίνειν ἐθέλοντι παρέχων. ἅτε γὰρ νῆσον οἰκοῦντας ὑδρεύεσθαι μάλιστα ἐνθένδε χρή. γίνεται δὲ [341] καὶ ὁ χειμὼν ἐκεῖ πρᾳότερος εἴτε ὑπὸ τῆς θέρμης τοῦ ὠκεανοῦ· στάδια γὰρ ἀπέχει τῶν ἐννακοσίων οὐ πλείω, καὶ διαδίδοται τυχὸν λεπτή τις αὔρα τοῦ ὕδατος, εἶναι δὲ δοκεῖ θερμότερον τὸ θαλάττιον τοῦ γλυκέος· εἴτε οὖν ἐκ ταύτης εἴτε ἐκ τινος ἄλλης αἰτίας ἀφανοῦς ἐμοί, τὸ πρᾶγμα ἐστι τοιοῦτον, ἀλεεινότερον ἔχουσιν οἱ τὸ χωρίον οἰκοῦντες τὸν χειμῶνα, καὶ φύεται παρ᾽ αὐτοῖς ἄμπελος ἀγαθή, καὶ συκᾶς ἤδη εἰσιν οἳ697 ἐμηχανήσαντο, σκεπάζοντες [B] αὐτὰς τοῦ χειμῶνος ὥσπερ ἱματίοις τῇ καλάμῃ τοῦ πυροῦ καὶ τοιούτοις τισίν, ὅσα εἴωθεν εἴργειν τὴν ἐκ τοῦ ἀέρος ἐπιγιγνομένην τοῖς δένδροις βλάβην. ἐγένετο δὴ οὖν ὁ χειμὼν τοῦ εἰωθότος σφοδρότερος, καὶ παρέφερεν ὁ ποταμὸς ὥσπερ μαρμάρου πλάκας· ἴστε δήπου τὸν Φρύγιον λίθον τὸν λευκόν· τούτῳ ἐῴκει μάλιστα τὰ κρύσταλλα,698 μεγάλα καὶ ἐπάλληλα φερόμενα· καὶ δὴ καὶ συνεχῆ ποιεῖν ἤδη τὸν πόρον ἔμελλε [C] καὶ τὸ ῥεῦμα γεφυροῦν. ὡς οὖν ἐν τούτοις ἀγριώτερος ἦν τοῦ συνήθους, ἐθάλπετο δὲ τὸ δωμάτιον οὐδαμῶς, οὗπερ ἐκάθευδον, ὅνπερ εἰώθει τρόπον ὑπογαίοις699 καμίνοις τὰ πολλὰ τῶν οἰκημάτων ἐκεῖ θερμαίνεσθαι, καὶ ταῦτα ἔχον εὐτρεπῶς πρὸς τὸ παραδέξασθαι τὴν ἐκ τοῦ πυρὸς ἀλέαν· συνέβη δ᾽ οἶμαι καῖ [pg 432] τότε διὰ σκαιότητα τὴν ἐμὴν καὶ τὴν εἰς ἐμαυτὸν πρῶτον, ὡς εἰκός, ἀπανθρωπίαν· ἐβουλόμην γὰρ ἐθίζειν ἐμαυτὸν ἀνέχεσθαι τὸν ἀέρα ταύτης ἀνενδεῶς ἔχοντα τῆς βοηθείας. ὡς δὲ ὁ χειμὼν ἐπεκράτει καὶ ἀεὶ μείζων ἐπεγίνετο, [D] θερμῆναι μὲν οὐδ᾽ ὣς ἐπέτρεψα τοῖς ὑπηρέταις τὸ οἴκημα, δεδιὼς κινῆσαι τὴν ἐν τοῖς τοίχοις ὑγρότητα, κομίσαι δ᾽ ἔνδον ἐκέλευσα πῦρ κεκαυμένον καὶ ἄνθρακας λαμπροὺς ἀποθέσθαι παντελῶς μετρίους. οἱ δὲ καίπερ ὄντες οὐ πολλοὶ παμπληθεῖς ἀπὸ τῶν τοίχων ἀτμοὺς ἐκίνησαν, ὑφ᾽ ὧν κατέδαρθον. ἐμπιμπλαμένης δέ μοι τῆς κεφαλῆς ἐδέησα μὲν ἀποπνιγῆναι, [342] κομισθεὶς δ᾽ ἔξω, τῶν ἰατρῶν παραινούντων ἀπορρῖψαι τὴν ἐντεθεῖσαν ἄρτι τροφήν, οὔτι μὰ Δία πολλὴν οὖσαν, ἐξέβαλον, καὶ ἐγενόμην αὐτίκα ῥᾴων, ὥστε μοι γενέσθαι κουφοτέραν τὴν νύκτα καὶ τῆς ὑστεραίας πράττειν ὄ,τιπερ ἐθέλοιμι.

(I happened to be in winter quarters at my beloved Lutetia—for that is how the Celts call the capital of the Parisians. It is a small island lying in the river; a wall entirely surrounds it, and wooden bridges lead to it on both sides. The river seldom rises and falls, but usually is the same depth in the winter as in the summer season, and it provides water which is very clear to the eye and very pleasant for one who wishes to drink. For since the inhabitants live on an island they have to draw their water chiefly from the river. The winter too is rather mild there, perhaps from the warmth of the ocean, which is not more than nine hundred stades distant, and it may be that a slight breeze from the water is wafted so far; for sea water seems to be warmer than fresh. Whether from this or from some other cause obscure to me, the fact is as I say, that those who live in that place have a warmer winter. And a good kind of vine grows thereabouts, and some persons have even managed to make fig-trees grow by covering them in winter with a sort of garment of wheat straw and with things of that sort, such as are used to protect trees from the harm that is done them by the cold wind. As I was saying then, the winter was more severe than usual, and the river kept bringing down blocks like marble. You know, I suppose, the white stone that comes from Phrygia; the blocks of ice were very like it, of great size, and drifted down one after another; in fact it seemed likely that they would make an unbroken path and bridge the stream. The winter then was more inclement than usual, but the room where I slept was not warmed in the way that most houses are heated, I mean by furnaces underground; and that too though it was conveniently arranged for letting in heat from such a fire. But it so happened I suppose, because I was awkward then as now, and displayed inhumanity first of all, as was natural, towards myself. For I wished to accustom myself to bear the cold air without needing this aid. And though the winter weather prevailed and continually increased in severity, even so I did not allow my servants to heat the house, because I was afraid of drawing out the dampness in the walls; but I ordered them to carry in fire that had burned down and to place in the room a very moderate number of hot coals. But the coals, though there were not very many of them, brought out from the walls quantities of steam and this made me fall asleep. And since my head was filled with the fumes I was almost choked. Then I was carried outside, and since the doctors advised me to throw up the food I had just swallowed,—and it was little enough, by Zeus—, I vomited it and at once became easier, so that I had a more comfortable night, and next day could do whatever I pleased.)

Οὕτω μὲν οὖν ἐγὼ καὶ ἐν Κελτοῖς κατὰ τὸν τοῦ Μενάνδρου Δύσκολον αὐτὸς ἐμαυτῷ πόνους προσετίθην. ἀλλ᾽ ἡ Κελτῶν μὲν ταῦτα ῥᾷον ἔφερεν ἀγροικία, πόλις δ᾽ εὐδαίμων καὶ μακαρία καὶ πολυάνθρωπος εἰκότως ἄχθεται, [B] ἐν ᾗ πολλοὶ μὲν ὀρχησταί, πολλοὶ δ᾽ αὐληταί, μῖμοι δὲ πλείους τῶν πολιτῶν, αἰδὼς δ᾽ οὐκ ἔστιν ἀρχόντων. ἐρυθριᾶν γὰρ πρέπει τοῖς ἀνάνδροις, ἐπεὶ τοῖς γε ἀνδρείοις, ὥσπερ ὑμεῖς, ἕωθεν κωμάζειν, νύκτωρ ἡδυπαθεῖν, ὅτι τῶν νόμων ὑπερορᾶτε μὴ [pg 434] λόγῳ διδάσκειν, ἀλλὰ τοῖς ἔργοις ἐνδείκνυσθαι. καὶ γὰρ οἱ νόμοι φοβεροὶ διὰ τοὺς ἄρχοντας· ὥστε ὅστις ἄρχοντα ὕβρισεν οὗτος ἐκ περιουσίας τοὺς νόμους κατεπάτησεν· [C] ὡς δ᾽ ἐπὶ τούτοις εὐφραινόμενοι δῆλον ποιεῖτε πολλαχοῦ μέν, οὐχ ἥκιστα δ᾽ ἐν ταῖς ἀγοραῖς καὶ ἐν τοῖς θεάτροις, ἀπὸ μὲν τῶν κρότων καὶ ἀπὸ τῆς βοῆς ὁ δῆμος, οἱ δ᾽ ἐν τέλει τῷ γνωριμώτεροι μᾶλλον εἶναι καὶ ὀνομάζεσθαι παρὰ πᾶσιν ἀφ᾽ ὧν εἰς τὰς τοιαύτας ἑορτὰς ἐδαπάνησαν ἢ Σόλων ὁ Ἀθηναῖος ἀπὸ τῆς πρὸς Κροῖσον τὸν Λυδῶν βασιλέα συνουσίας. καλοὶ δὲ πάντες καὶ μεγάλοι καὶ λεῖοι καὶ ἀγένειοι, [D] νέοι τε ὁμοίως καὶ πρεσβύτεροι ζηλωταὶ τῆς εὐδαιμονίας τῶν Φαιάκων,

(After this fashion then, even when I was among the Celts, like the ill-tempered man in Menander,700 “I myself kept heaping troubles on my own head.” But whereas the boorish Celts used easily to put up with these ways of mine, they are naturally resented by a prosperous and gay and crowded city in which there are numerous dancers and flute players and more mimes than ordinary citizens, and no respect at all for those who govern. For the blush of modesty befits the unmanly, but manly fellows like you it befits to begin your revels at dawn, to spend your nights in pleasure, and to show not only by your words but by your deeds also that you despise the laws. For indeed it is only by means of those in authority that the laws inspire fear in men; so that he who insults one who is in authority, over and above this tramples on the laws. And that you take pleasure in this sort of behaviour you show clearly on many occasions, but especially in the market-places and theatres; the mass of the people by their clapping and shouting, while those in office show it by the fact that, on account of the sums they have spent on such entertainments, they are more widely known and more talked about by all men than Solon the Athenian ever was on account of his interview with Croesus the king of the Lydians.701 And all of you are handsome and tall and smooth-skinned and beardless; for young and old alike you are emulous of the happiness of the Phaeacians, and rather than righteousness you prefer)

ἀντὶ τῆς ὁσίας ἀποδεχόμενοι.

“Τὴν δὴ σὴν ἀγροικίαν καὶ ἀπανθρωπίαν καὶ σκαιότητα τούτοις ἁρμόσειν ὑπέλαβες; οὕτως ἀνόητόν ἐστί σοι καὶ φαῦλον, ὦ πάντων ἀνθρώπων ἀμαθέστατε καὶ φιλαπεχθημονέστατε, τὸ λεγόμενον ὑπὸ τῶν ἀγεννεστάτων σῶφρον τουτὶ ψυχάριον, ὃ δὴ σὐ κοσμεῖν καὶ καλλωπίζειν σωφροσύνῃ χρῆναι νομίζεις; οὐκ ὀρθῶς, ὅτι πρῶτον μὲν ἡ σωφροσύνη ὅ,τι [343] ποτ᾽ ἔστιν οὐκ ἴσμεν, ὄνομα δ᾽ αὐτῆς ἀκούοντες μόνον ἔργον οὐχ ὁρῶμεν. εἰ δ᾽ ὁποῖον σὺ νῦν ἐπιτηδεύεις ἐστίν, ἐπίστασθαι μὲν ὅτι θεοῖς χρὴ δουλεύειν καὶ νόμοις, ἐκ τῶν [pg 436] ἴσων δὲ τοῖς ὁμοτίμοις προσφέρεσθαι, καὶ τὴν ἐν τούτοις ὑπεροχὴν φέρειν πρᾳότερον, ἐπιμελεῖσθαι καὶ προνοεῖν, ὅπως οἱ πένητες ὑπὸ τῶν πλουτούντων ἥκιστα ἀδικήσονται, καὶ ὑπὲρ τούτου πράγματα ἔχειν, ὁποῖα εἰκός ἐστί σοι γενέσθαι πολλάκις, ἀπεχθείας, ὀργάς, [B] λοιδορίας· εἶτα καὶ ταῦτα φέρειν ἐγκρατῶς καὶ μὴ χαλεπαίνειν μηδ᾽ ἐπιτρέπειν τῷ θυμῷ, παιδαγωγεῖν δὲ αὑτόν, ὡς ἐνδέχεται, καὶ σωφρονίζειν· εἰ δὲ καὶ τοῦτό τις ἔργον θεῖτο σωφροσύνης, ἀπέχεσθαι πάσης ἡδονῆς οὐ λίαν ἀπρεποῦς οὐδ᾽ ἐπονειδίστου δοκούσης ἐν τῷ φανερῷ, πεπεισμένος ὡς οὐκ ἔστιν ἰδίᾳ σωφρονεῖν [C] καὶ λάθρᾳ τὸν δημοσίᾳ καὶ φανερῷς ἀκόλαστον εἶναι θέλοντα καὶ τερπόμενον τοῖς θεάτροις· εἰ δὴ οὖν ὄντως ἡ σωφροσύνη τοιοῦτόν ἐστιν, ἀπόλωλας μὲν αὐτός, ἀπολλύεις δὲ ἡμᾶς οὐκ ἀνεχομένους ἀκούειν πρῶτον ὄνομα δουλείας οὔτε πρὸς θεοὺς οὔτε πρὸς νόμους· ἡδὺ γὰρ ἐν πᾶσι τὸ ἐλεύθερον.

(“What then?” you answer, “did you really suppose that your boorish manners and savage ways and clumsiness would harmonise with these things? O most ignorant and most quarrelsome of men, is it so senseless then and so stupid, that puny soul of yours which men of poor spirit call temperate, and which you forsooth think it your duty to adorn and deck out with temperance? You are wrong; for in the first place we do not know what temperance is and we hear its name only, while the real thing we cannot see. But if it is the sort of thing that you now practise, if it consists in knowing that men must be enslaved to the gods and the laws, in behaving with fairness to those of equal rank and bearing with mildness any superiority among them; in studying and taking thought that the poor may suffer no injustice whatever at the hands of the rich; and to attain this, in putting up with all the annoyances that you will naturally often meet with, hatred, anger, and abuse; and then in bearing these also with firmness and not resenting them or giving way to your anger, but in training yourself as far as possible to practise temperance; and if again this also one defines as the effect of temperance that one abstains from every pleasure even though it be not excessively unbecoming or considered blameworthy when openly pursued, because you are convinced that it is impossible for a man to be temperate in his private life and in secret, if in public and openly he is willing to be licentious and delights in the theatres; if, in short, temperance is really this sort of thing, then you yourself have ruined yourself and moreover you are ruining us, who cannot bear in the first place even to hear the name of slavery, whether it be slavery to the gods or the laws. For sweet is liberty in all things!)

“Ἡ δὲ εἰρωνεία πόση; δεσπότης εἶναι οὐ φὴς οὐδὲ ἀνέχῃ τοῦτο ἀκούων, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἀγανακτεῖς, [D] ὥστε ἤδη ἔπεισας τοὺς πλείστους ἐθάδας πάλαι γενομένους ἀφελεῖν ὡς ἐπίφθονον τῆς ἀρχῆς τοῦτο τὸ ὄνομα, δουλεύειν δ᾽ ἡμᾶς ἀναγκάζεις ἄρχουσι καὶ νόμοις. καίτοι πόσῳ κρεῖττον ἦν ὀνομάζεσθαι μέν σε δεσπότην, ἔργῳ δὲ ἐᾶν ἡμᾶς εἶναι ἐλευθέρους, ὦ τὰ μὲν ὀνόματα πρᾳότατε, πικρότατε [pg 438] δὲ τὰ ἔργα; [344] πρὸς δὲ τούτοις ἀποκναίεις βιαζόμενος μὲν τοὺς πλουσίους ἐν δικαστηρίοις μετριάζειν, τοὺς πένητας δὲ εἴργεις συκοφαντεῖν. ἀφεὶς δὲ τὴν σκηνὴν καὶ τοὺς μίμους καὶ τοὺς ὀρχηστὰς ἀπολώλεκας ἡμῶν τὴν πόλιν, ὥστε οὐδὲν ἡμῖν ἀγαθὸν ὑπάρχει παρὰ σοῦ πλὴν τῆς βαρύτητος, ἧς ἀνεχόμενοι μῆνα ἕβδομον τουτονὶ τὸ μὲν εὔχεσθαι πάντως ἀπαλλαγῆναι τοῦ τοσούτου κακοῦ τοῖς περὶ τοὺς τάφους καλινδουμένοις γρᾳδίοις ξυνεχωρήσαμεν, ἡμεῖς δὲ αὐτὸ διὰ τῆς ἡμῶν αὐτῶν εὐτραπελίας [B] ἐξειργασάμεθα βάλλοντές σε τοῖς σκώμμασιν ὥσπερ τοξεύμασι. σὺ δέ, ὦ γενναῖε, πῶς ἀνέξῃ τὰ Περσῶν βέλη, τὰ ἡμέτερα τρέσας σκώμματα;”

(“But what an affectation of humility is yours! You say that you are not our master and you will not let yourself be so called, nay more, you resent the idea, so that you have actually persuaded the majority of men who have long grown accustomed to it, to get rid of this word ‘Government’ as though it were something invidious; and yet you compel us to be enslaved to magistrates and laws. But how much better it would be for you to accept the name of master, but in actual fact to allow us to be free, you who are so very mild about the names we use and so very strict about the things we do! Then again you harass us by forcing the rich to behave with moderation in the lawcourts, though you keep the poor from making money by informing.703 And by ignoring the stage and mimes and dancers you have ruined our city, so that we get no good out of you except your harshness; and this we have had to put up with these seven months, so that we have left it to the old crones who grovel among the tombs to pray that we may be entirely rid of so great a curse, but we ourselves have accomplished it by our own ingenious insolence, by shooting our satires at you like arrows. How, noble sir, will you face the darts of Persians, when you take flight at our ridicule?”)

Ἰδού, βούλομαι πάλιν ἀπ᾽ ἄλλης ἀρχῆς ἐμαυτῷ λοιδορήσασθαι. “Φοιτᾷς εἰς τὰ ἱερά, δύσκολε καὶ δύστροπε καὶ πάντα μοχθηρέ. συρρεῖ διὰ σὲ τὰ πλήθη πρὸς τὰ τεμένη καὶ μέντοι καὶ οἱ πλείους τῶν ἐν τέλει, καὶ ἀποδέχονταί σε σὺν βοῇ μετὰ κρότων λαμπρῶς ἐν τοῖς τεμένεσιν ὥσπερ ἐν τοῖς θεάτροις. [C] τί οὖν οὐκ ἀγαπᾷς οὐδ᾽ ἐπαινεῖς, ἀλλ᾽ ἐπιχειρεῖς εἶναι σοφώτερος τὰ τοιαῦτα τοῦ Πυθίου, καὶ δημηγορεῖς ἐν τῷ πλήθει, καὶ καθάπτῃ τῶν βοώντων πικρῶς αὐτὸ δὴ τοῦτο λέγων, ὡς Ὑμεῖς τῶν θεῶν ἕνεκεν ὀλιγάκις εἰς τὰ τεμένη συνέρχεσθε, συνδραμόντες δὲ δι᾽ ἐμὲ πολλῆς ἀκοσμίας ἀναπίμπλατε τὰ ἱερά. [D] πρέπει δ᾽ ἀνδράσι σώφροσι κεκοσμημένως εὔχεσθαι σιγῇ [pg 440] παρὰ τῶν θεῶν αἰτουμένοις τὰ ἀγαθά. τοῦτον οὐκ ἠκροᾶσθε τὸν νόμον Ὁμήρου

(Come, I am ready to make a fresh start in abusing myself. “You, sir, go regularly to the temples, ill-tempered, perverse and wholly worthless as you are! It is your doing that the masses stream into the sacred precincts, yes and most of the magistrates as well, and they give you a splendid welcome, greeting you with shouts and clapping in the precincts as though they were in the theatres. Then why do you not treat them kindly and praise them? Instead of that you try to be wiser in such matters than the Pythian god,704 and you make harangues to the crowd and with harsh words rebuke those who shout. These are the very words you use to them: ‘You hardly ever assemble at the shrines to do honour to the gods, but to do me honour you rush here in crowds and fill the temples with much disorder. Yet it becomes prudent men to pray in orderly fashion, and to ask blessings from the gods in silence. Have you never heard Homer's maxim,)