itaque se paenitere, quod animum tuum offenderit; sed se iure fecisse. Deinde perscribit spurcissime, quas ob causas fecerit. Sed neque hoc tempore nec antea patefecisset odium suum in me, nisi omnibus rebus me esse oppressum videret. Atque utinam vel nocturnis, quem ad modum tu scripseras, itineribus propius te accessissem! Nunc, nec ubi nec quando te sim visurus, possum suspicari.
De coheredibus Fufidianis nihil fuit quod ad me scriberes; nam et aequum postulant, et, quicquid egisses, recte esse actum putarem. De fundo Frusinati redimendo iam pridem intellexisti voluntatem meam. Etsi tum meliore loco res erant nostrae neque tam mihi desperatum iri videbantur, tamen in eadem sum voluntate. Id quem ad modum fiat, tu videbis. Et velim, quod poteris, consideres, ut sit, unde nobis suppeditentur sumptus necessarii. Si quas habuimus facultates, eas Pompeio tum, cum id videbamur sapienter facere, detulimus. Itaque tum et a tuo vilico sumpsimus et aliunde mutuati sumus; nunc Quintus queritur per litteras sibi nos nihil dedisse, qui neque ab illo rogati sumus neque ipsi eam pecuniam aspeximus. Sed velim videas, quid sit, quod confici possit, quidque mihi de omnibus des consilii; et causam nosti.
Plura ne scribam, dolore impedior. Si quid erit, quod ad quos scribendum meo nomine putes, velim, ut soles, facias, quotiensque habebis, cui des ad me litteras, nolim praetermittas. Vale.
harshly about me to many people, and so he is sorry that he hurt your feelings: but he was right in what he did. Then he explains with the greatest coarseness why he did it. But he would never have shown his hatred for me either now or before, if he had not seen that everything was against me. How I wish I had got nearer to you, even by night-journeys as you suggested. Now I cannot conceive where or when I shall see you.
As to my co-heirs in Fufidius' property, there was no reason for you to write to me: for their demand is quite just, and anything you did I should think right. As to the repurchase of the estate at Frusino, you know already what I wish. Though my affairs were then in a better position, and I did not expect to be in such desperate straits, still my mind has not altered. How it is to be done, you will arrange. And please consider to the best of your ability some way of obtaining ready money for current expenses. All the money I had I handed over to Pompey at a time when it seemed advisable to do so. So then I took money from your steward and borrowed from others, and now Quintus complains by letter that I did not give him a penny, when he never asked for it and I never set eyes on the money myself. But please see what can be managed and what advice you have to give me on all points: you know all about it.
Grief prevents me from writing more. If there is anything you think should be written to anyone in my name, please do so as usual; and as often as you have anyone to whom you can give a letter to me, don't forget it. Farewell.
Non me offendit veritas litterarum tuarum, quod me cum communibus tum praecipuis malis oppressum ne incipis quidem, ut solebas, consolari faterisque id fieri iam non posse. Nec enim ea sunt, quae erant antea, cum, ut nihil aliud, comites me et socios habere putabam. Omnes enim Achaici deprecatores itemque in Asia, quibus non erat ignotum, etiam quibus erat, in Africam dicuntur navigaturi. Ita praeter Laelium neminem habeo culpae socium; qui tamen hoc meliore in causa est, quod iam est receptus. De me autem non dubito quin ad Balbum et ad Oppium scripserit; a quibus, si quid esset laetius, certior factus essem, tecum etiam essent locuti. Quibuscum tu de hoc ipso conloquare velim et ad me, quid tibi responderint, scribas, non quod ab isto salus data quicquam habitura sit firmitudinis, sed tamen aliquid consuli et prospici poterit. Etsi omnium conspectum horreo, praesertim hoc genero, tamen, in tantis malis quid aliud velim, non reperio. Quintus pergit, ut ad me et Pansa scripsit et Hirtius, isque item Africam petere cum ceteris dicitur. Ad Minucium Tarentum scribam et tuas litteras mittam; ad te scribam, num quid egerim. HS XXX potuisse mirarer, nisi multa de
I am not offended with you for telling me the truth in your letter and not even attempting, as you were wont, to console me under my burden of public and personal woes, which you confess is impossible now. For affairs are no longer in the position they were, when, if nothing else, I thought I had companions and partners in my policy. For all those in Achaia and in Asia, who petitioned for pardon and did not obtain it, and even some of those who did, are said to be on the point of sailing for Africa. So I have no one to share my fault except Laelius, and even he is in a better position than I am in one respect, as he has been taken back now.[180] But about me I have no doubt that Caesar has written to Balbus and Oppius: if the news had been good, I should have heard from them and they would have spoken to you too. I should like you to speak to them about it and to let me know what they say, not that any safeguard given by him can have any certainty, but still something can be foreseen and provided for. Though I am ashamed to look anyone in the face, especially with such a son-in-law, still in this disastrous crisis I see nothing else to wish for. Quintus is still keeping on, as both Pansa and Hirtius have written to tell me; and he is said too to be making for Africa with the rest. I will write to Minucius at Tarentum, and send your letter: I will let you know whether anything comes of it. I should have been surprised that
[180] By the loyalist party.
Fufidianis praediis. Sed avide tamen[181] te exspecto; quem videre, si ullo modo potest (poscit enim res), pervelim. Iam extremum concluditur; quod quale sit, ibi facile est,[182] hic gravius existimare. Vale.
[181] Sed avide tamen te Wesenberg: et advideo tamen MSS.
[182] quod quale sit, ibi facile est Purser: ibi facile est, quod quale sit MSS.
Quoniam iustas causas adfers, cur te hoc tempore videre non possim, quaere, quaeso, quid sit mihi faciendum. Ille enim ita videtur Alexandream tenere, ut eum scribere etiam pudeat de illis rebus, hi autem ex Africa iam adfuturi videntur, Achaici, item ex Asia redituri ad eos aut libero aliquo loco commoraturi. Quid mihi igitur putas agendum? Video difficile esse consilium. Sum enim solus aut cum altero, cui neque ad illos reditus sit neque ab his ipsis quicquam ad spem ostendatur. Sed tamen scire velim, quid censeas; idque erat cum aliis, cur te, si fieri posset, cuperem videre.
Minucium XII sola curasse scripsi ad te antea. Quod superest, velim videas, ut curetur. Quintus non modo non cum magna prece ad me, sed acerbissime scripsit, filius vero mirifico odio. Nihil fingi
you were able to raise the £250,[183] if there had not been a good receipt from Fufidius' estates. However I am looking forward eagerly to your coming: it is my great desire to see you, if it is anyhow possible—for indeed circumstances demand it. The end is now drawing near; and, what it will be, it is easy to estimate at Rome, but here it is more difficult. Farewell.
[183] 30,000 sesterces.
Since you give good reasons why I cannot see you at the present time, pray consider what I am to do. For although Caesar holds Alexandria, he seems to be ashamed even to send a dispatch about it, while the others are apparently on the eve of coming here from Africa, and those in Achaia too are either going to return from Asia to join them or they are going to stop in some neutral place. So what do you think I am to do? I see advice is difficult. For I am the one and only person—except perhaps one other, who cannot return to the one party and who has no hope at all offered him from the other. Still I should like to know what you think: and that was one reason, among others, why I should have liked to see you, if it were possible.
I told you before that Minucius has only paid £100.[184] Please see that the rest is provided. Quintus in his letter instead of an earnest appeal used the most bitter language, and his son showed extraordinary animosity. There is no conceivable ill
[184] 12,000 sesterces.
potest mali, quo non urgear. Omnia tamen sunt faciliora quam peccati dolor, qui et maximus est et aeternus. Cuius peccati si socios essem habiturus ego, quos putavi, tamen esset ea consolatio tenuis. Sed habet aliorum omnium ratio exitum, mea nullum. Alii capti, alii interclusi non veniunt in dubium de voluntate, eo minus scilicet, cum se expedierint et una esse coeperint. Ei autem ipsi, qui sua voluntate ad Fufium venerunt, nihil possunt nisi timidi existimari. Multi autem sunt, qui, quocumque modo ad illos se recipere volent, recipientur. Quo minus debes mirari non posse me tanto dolori resistere. Solius enim meum peccatum corrigi non potest et fortasse Laeli. Sed quid me id levat? Nam C. quidem Cassium aiunt consilium Alexandream eundi mutavisse.
Haec ad te scribo, non ut queas tu demere[185] sollicitudinem, sed ut cognoscam, ecquid tu ad ea adferas, quae me conficiunt; ad quae gener accedit et cetera, quae fletu reprimor ne scribam. Quin etiam Aesopi filius me excruciat. Prorsus nihil abest, quin sim miserrimus. Sed ad primum revertor, quid putes faciendum, occultene aliquo propius veniendum an
[185] queas tu demere M (margin): quem tuam demere M.
with which I am not oppressed. But all of them are lighter to bear than my sense of guilt: that is overwhelming and enduring. If I were to have those, whom I thought I had, to share that guilt, that would still be some consolation, though a poor one. But every one else's case admits of some way out, mine of none. Some were captured, some cut off, so there is no doubt about their intentions, especially since they have extricated themselves and joined forces again. Nay even those, who of their own free will came to Fufius,[186] can only be thought cowards. But there are many who will be taken back, however they choose to take themselves back to the fold. So you ought not to be surprised that I cannot bear up against all my sorrow. For I am the one and only person whose slip cannot be mended, except perhaps Laelius—and what good is that?—for they say even C. Cassius has changed his mind about going to Alexandria.
[186] Q. Fufius Calenus was appointed governor of Greece after Pharsalia by Caesar, and many Pompeians surrendered to him.
This I am writing to you not in the hope that you may remove my care, but to know whether you have any suggestion to make about the things that are wearing me out: to the rest you may add my son-in-law and other things which tears prevent me from writing. Why, even Aesopus'[187] son grieves me sorely. There is absolutely nothing wanting to make me the most miserable of men. But I return to the first point. What do you think I ought to do, come secretly
[187] Aesopus was a famous tragic actor and a friend of Cicero. His son was dissolute and supposed to have a bad influence on Dolabella.
mare transeundum. Nam hic maneri diutius non potest.
De Fufidianis quare nihil potuit confici? Genus enim condicionis eius modi fuit, in quo non solet esse controversia, cum ea pars, quae videtur esse minor, licitatione expleri posset. Hoc ego non sine causa quaero. Suspicor enim coheredes dubiam nostram causam putare et eo rem in integro esse malle. Vale.
Pr. Idus Maias.
Non meo vitio fit hoc quidem tempore (ante enim est peccatum), ut me ista epistula nihil consoletur. Nam et exigue scripta est et suspiciones magnas habet non esse ab illo; quas animadvertisse te existimo. De obviam itione ita faciam, ut suades. Neque enim ulla de adventu eius opinio est, neque, si qui ex Asia veniunt, quicquam auditum esse dicunt de pace; cuius ego spe in hanc fraudem incidi.
Nihil video, quod sperandum putem, nunc praesertim, cum ea plaga in Asia sit accepta, in Illyrico, in Cassiano negotio, in ipsa Alexandrea, in urbe, in Italia. Ego vero, etiamsi rediturus ille est, qui adhuc
somewhere nearer Rome, or cross the sea? For stay here any longer I cannot.
Why could nothing be settled about Fufidius' estate? For the arrangement was one about which there is generally no dispute, since the share, which seems smaller, can be made up by the proceeds of the sale.[188] I have a reason for asking. For I suspect my co-heirs think my case is doubtful, and so prefer to keep the matter open. Farewell.
[188] If property could not be divided fairly among heirs, the indivisible part was put up for private auction among them and the proceeds divided.
May 14.
It is not my fault at the present time (for I did commit an error before) that the letter you send[189] does not give me any consolation. For it is grudgingly written, and raises great suspicion that it is not by Caesar: I expect you noticed that too. About going to meet him I will do as you advise. For no one thinks he is coming, and those who come from Asia say there has been no word of peace: and it was hope of a peace that led me into this error.
[189] A letter purporting to come from Caesar, but later found to be a forgery.
I see nothing to make me think of hope, especially now that that blow has fallen in Asia, in Illyricum, in the Cassian affair, in Alexandria itself, in Rome and in Italy.[190] For my part, even if he is on his return—whereas
[190] Cicero alludes to the defeat of Domitius Calvinus in Asia, the failure of Aulus Gabinius in Illyricum, the insurrection of Baetica, which forced Cassius to leave the province, Caesar's difficulties at Alexandria, the riots in Rome, and the mutinous state of the army in Italy.
bellum gerere dicitur, tamen ante reditum eius negotium confectum iri puto.
Quod autem scribis quandam laetitiam bonorum esse commotam, ut sit auditum de litteris, tu quidem nihil praetermittis in quo putes aliquid solacii esse, sed ego non adducor quemquam bonum ullam salutem putare mihi tanti fuisse, ut eam peterem ab illo, et eo minus, quod huius consilii iam ne socium quidem habeo quemquam. Qui in Asia sunt, rerum exitum exspectant, Achaici etiam Fufio spem deprecationis afferunt. Horum et timor idem fuit primo qui meus et constitutum; mora Alexandrina causam illorum correxit, meam evertit. Quam ob rem idem a te nunc peto quod superioribus litteris, ut, si quid in perditis rebus dispiceres, quod mihi putares faciendum, me moneres. Si recipior ab his, quod vides non fieri, tamen, quoad bellum erit, quid agam aut ubi sim, non reperio; sin iactor, eo minus. Itaque tuas litteras exspecto, easque ut ad me sine dubitatione scribas, rogo.
Quod suades, ut ad Quintum scribam de his litteris, facerem, si me quicquam istae litterae delectarent. Etsi quidam scripsit ad me his verbis: "Ego ut in his malis Patris sum non invitus; essem libentius, si frater tuus ea de te loqueretur, quae ego audire vellem." Quod ais illum ad te scribere me
he is said to be still fighting—still I think the business will be settled before he does return.
You say, however, that some feeling of pleasure was aroused among the loyalists when they heard of this letter. Of course you do not omit anything in which you think there is the least consolation, but I cannot bring myself to believe that any of the loyalists supposed that I prize any salvation highly enough to beg for it of him: especially as I have not even a single partner in this policy now. Those who are in Asia are waiting to see how things turn out: those in Achaia too keep holding out to Fufius the hope that they will petition for pardon. They at first had the same fear and the same plan as myself; but the hitch at Alexandria improved their case and ruined mine. So I still make the same request of you as in former letters: if in these desperate straits you see anything you think I ought to do, tell me of it. If I am taken back by the loyalists, which you see is not the case, still, so long as the war lasts, I don't see what I am to do or where I am to stay; still less, if I am rejected by them. So I await a letter from you, and I beg you to write to me without hesitation.
You advise me to write to Quintus about this letter. I would, if the letter gave me any pleasure, though some one has written to me saying: "Considering the evil days, I am pretty comfortable at Patrae, and I should be more so, if your brother would speak of you as I should like to hear him."
sibi nullas litteras remittere, semel ab ipso accepi. Ad eas Cephalioni dedi, qui multos menses tempestatibus retentus est. Quintum filium ad me acerbissime scripsisse iam ante ad te scripsi.
Extremum est, quod te orem, si putas rectum esse et a te suscipi posse, cum Camillo communices, ut Terentiam moneatis de testamento. Tempora monent, ut videat, ut satis faciat, quibus debeat. Auditum ex Philotimo est eam scelerate quaedam facere. Credibile vix est, sed certe, si quid est, quod fieri possit, providendum est. De omnibus rebus velim ad me scribas, et maxime quid sentias de ea, in qua tuo consilio egeo, etiam si nihil excogitas. Id enim mihi erit pro desperato.
III Non. Iun.
Properantibus tabellariis alienis hanc epistulam dedi. Eo brevior est, et quod eram missurus nostros. Tullia mea venit ad me pr. Idus Iunias deque tua erga se observantia benevolentiaque mihi plurima exposuit litterasque reddidit trinas. Ego autem ex ipsius virtute, humanitate, pietate non modo eam voluptatem non cepi, quam capere ex singulari filia debui, sed etiam incredibili sum dolore adfectus tale ingenium in tam misera fortuna versari idque accidere
As to his writing to you to say that I don't answer any of his letters, I've only had one from him. To that I gave an answer to Cephalio, but he was delayed many months by storms. I have already mentioned that young Quintus has written to me most bitterly.
The last thing I have to ask you is, that, if you think it right and care to undertake it, you and Camillus together should advise Terentia to make her will. Circumstances suggest that she ought to make provision for satisfying her creditors. I hear from Philotimus that she is doing some underhand things. I can hardly believe it; but anyhow, if there is anything of the kind (and there possibly may be), it ought to be guarded against. Please write to me about everything, and especially what you think about her. I want your advice about her, even if you cannot think of any plan: for in that case I shall take it the case is desperate.
June 3.
I have given this letter to some one else's messengers, who are in a hurry. That is why it is short; also because I am just going to send my own. Tullia came to me on the 12th of June and told me of all your attention and kindness to her and delivered three letters. I however have not derived the pleasure from her goodness, kindness and affection, which I ought to derive from a matchless daughter, nay, my grief exceeds all bounds when I think that such a fine character should be involved in such a
nullo ipsius delicto summa culpa mea. Itaque a te neque consolationem iam, qua cupere te uti video, nec consilium, quod capi nullum potest, exspecto, teque omnia cum superioribus saepe litteris tam proximis temptasse intellego.
Ego cum Sallustio Ciceronem ad Caesarem mittere cogitabam; Tulliam autem non videbam esse causam cur diutius mecum tanto in communi maerore retinerem. Itaque matri eam, cum primum per ipsam liceret, eram remissurus. Pro ea, quam ad modum consolantis scripsisti, putato ea me scripsisse, quae tu ipse intellegis responderi potuisse.
Quod Oppium tecum scribis locutum, non abhorret a mea suspicione eius oratio. Sed non dubito, quin istis persuaderi nullo modo possit ea, quae faciant, mihi probari posse, quoquo modo loquar. Ego tamen utar moderatione, qua potero; quamquam, quid mea intersit, ut eorum odium subeam, non intellego.
Te iusta causa impediri, quo minus ad nos venias, video, idque mihi valde molestum est. Illum ab Alexandrea discessisse nemo nuntiat, constatque ne profectum quidem illim quemquam post Idus Martias nec post Idus Decembr. ab illo datas ullas litteras. Ex quo intellegis illud de litteris a. d. V Idus Febr. datis,
distressful fate, and that this should happen through no fault of hers, but through my own grave error. So I do not expect any consolation from you now, though I see you are ready to offer it, nor any counsel, since none can be taken: and I realize that you have tried every way in your former letters and in these last.
I am thinking of sending my son with Sallustius to Caesar. As for Tullia, I see no reason for keeping her with me any longer when both of us are in such sorrow: so I am going to send her back to her mother, as soon as she herself will allow me. In return for the letter which you wrote in a consolatory style, please consider that I have made the only answer, which, as you yourself know, was possible.
You tell me Oppius has had a talk with you: and what you say agrees well enough with my suspicions of him. But I feel sure that party[191] can never be convinced that their actions can possibly win my approval, whatever I may say. However, I will be as moderate as I can: though, what difference it makes to me, if I do incur their enmity, I cannot conceive.
[191] Caesar's followers.
I see you have a good reason for not being able to come to me: and I am very sorry that is so. There is no news that Caesar has left Alexandria; and it is well known that no one at all has left that place since the 15th of March, and that he has despatched no letters since the 13th of December. So you see it was quite untrue about the letter dated Febr. 9,
quod inane esset, etiamsi verum esset, non verum esse. L. Terentium discessisse ex Africa scimus Paestumque venisse. Quid is adferat aut quo modo exierit, aut quid in Africa fiat, scire velim. Dicitur enim per Nasidium emissus esse. Id quale sit, velim, si inveneris, ad me scribas. De HS X, ut scribis, faciam. Vale.
XVII Kal. Quinctiles.
De illius Alexandrea discessu nihil adhuc rumoris, contraque opinio valde esse impeditum. Itaqae nec mitto, ut constitueram, Ciceronem, et te rogo, ut me hinc expedias. Quodvis enim supplicium levius est hac permansione. Hac de re et ad Antonium scripsi et ad Balbum et ad Oppium. Sive enim bellum in Italia futurum est, sive classibus utetur, hic esse me minime convenit; quorum fortasse utrumque erit, alterum certe. Intellexi omnino ex Oppi sermone, quem tu mihi scripsisti, quae istorum ira esset, sed, ut eam flectas, te rogo. Nihil omnino iam exspecto nisi miserum, sed hoc perditius, in quo nunc sum, fieri nihil potest. Quare et cum Antonio loquare velim et cum istis et rem, ut poteris, expedias et mihi quam primum de omnibus rebus rescribas. Vale.
XII Kal. Quinctil.
though it would not have been of any importance, if it had been true. I hear L. Terentius has left Africa and come to Paestum. What news he brings, or how he got out, or what is happening in Africa, I should like to know. For he is said to have been passed out through the agency of Nasidius. What it all means, I wish you would write and tell me, if you find out. I will do as you say about the 80 guineas.[192] Farewell.
[192] 10,000 sesterces.
June 14.
There is no rumour of his leaving Alexandria as yet: on the contrary, he is thought to be in great difficulties. So I am not sending my son, as I had arranged, and I beseech you to get me away from here: for any punishment is lighter to bear than staying here. On this point I have written to Antony, to Balbus and to Oppius. For whether there is going to be a war in Italy, or whether he will employ his fleet—and it may be either, but one it must be—this is a most inappropriate place for me. I understood of course from what Oppius said according to your letter, how angry they are with me: but I beg you to turn their anger. I don't expect anything now that is not unpleasant: but my present condition is as desperate as anything can be. So please speak with Antony and the Caesarians, and see the matter through for me as best you can: and let me have an answer on all points as soon as possible. Farewell.
June 14.
Cum tuis dare possem litteras, non praetermisi, etsi, quod scriberem, non habebam. Tu ad nos et rarius scribis, quam solebas, et brevius, credo, quia nihil habes, quod me putes libenter legere aut audire posse. Verum tamen velim, si quid erit, qualecumque erit, scribas. Est autem unum, quod mihi sit optandum, si quid agi de pace possit; quod nulla equidem habeo in spe; sed, quia tu leviter interdum significas, cogis me sperare, quod optandum vix est.
Philotimus dicitur Id. Sext. Nihil habeo de illo amplius. Tu velim ad ea mihi rescribas, quae ad te antea scripsi. Mihi tantum temporis satis est, dura ut in pessimis rebus aliquid caveam, qui nihil umquam cavi. Vale.
XI Kal. Sexti.
XVII K. Septembres venerat die XXVIII Seleucea Pieria C. Trebonius, qui se Antiocheae diceret apud Caesarem vidisse Quintum filium cum Hirtio. Eos de Quinto, quae voluissent, impetrasse nullo quidem negotio. Quod ego magis gauderem, si ista nobis impetrata quicquam ad spem explorati haberent. Sed
As I had a chance of giving a letter to your men, I did not miss it, though I have nothing to say. You are writing less often than you used to do and less fully, I suppose because you have nothing that you think I should be glad to read or hear. However please write, if there is anything of any kind whatever. There is one thing that I do long for, any possibility of a peace: myself I have no hope of such a thing: but, as you sometimes give a slight hint, you compel me to have some hope of what I hardly dare long for.
Philotimus is said to be coming on the 13th of August. Of Caesar I have no further news. Please answer my former letter. I only want time enough to take some precaution now in my misfortunes, as I have never taken any before. Farewell.
July 22.
On the 14th of August there arrived from Seleucea Pieria C. Trebonius after 28 days' journey: and he said he had seen young Quintus at Antioch in Caesar's train with Hirtius. They had got what they wanted about my brother without any difficulty at all. I should feel more joy at that, if what I have got myself gave me some sure ground for hope.[193] But there are things
[193] Or, as Tyrrell, "if the granting of such petitions afforded, in my opinion, any sure basis for hope."
et alia timenda sunt ab aliis Quintisque, et ab hoc ipso quae dantur ut a domino, rursus in eiusdem sunt potestate. Etiam Sallustio ignovit. Omnino dicitur nemini negare; quod ipsum est suspectum, notionem eius differri. M. Gallius Q. f. mancipia Sallustio reddidit. Is venit, ut legiones in Siciliam traduceret. Eo protinus iturum Caesarem Patris. Quod si faciet, ego, quod ante mallem, aliquo propius accedam. Tuas litteras ad eas, quibus a te proxime consilium petivi, vehementer exspecto. Vale.
XVI Kal. Septembres.
Accepi VI Kal. Sept. litteras a te datas XII Kal. doloremque, quem ex Quinti scelere iam pridem acceptum iam abieceram, lecta eius epistula gravissimum cepi. Tu etsi non potuisti ullo modo facere, ut mihi illam epistulam non mitteres, tamen mallem non esse missam.
Ad ea autem, quae scribis de testamento, videbis, quid et quo modo. De nummis et illa sic scripsit ut ego ad te antea, et nos, si quid opus erit, utemur ex eo, de quo scribis.
I have to fear from the Quinti and others: and Caesar's own regal concessions are again in his own power to revoke. He has even pardoned Sallustius. Indeed he is said not to deny anyone, and that in itself arouses a suspicion that he is only deferring investigation. M. Gallius, son of Quintus, has given back his slaves to Sallustius. He came to transport the legions to Sicily, and he says Caesar is going from Patrae to Sicily. If he does, I shall come nearer Rome, and I wish I had done so already. I am expecting eagerly your answer to my last request for advice. Farewell.
August 15.
On August 25 I received a letter from you dated Aug. 19, and, on reading it, the sorrow which possessed me long ago at Quintus' shameful conduct, but which I had now laid aside, was reawakened in all its force. Though you could not possibly have helped sending me that letter, I wish it had not been sent.
For the points you mention about the will, please see what is to be done and how. About the money, Terentia has written to me just what I suggested to you before, and, if I need it, I will draw on the sum you mention.
Ille ad Kal. Sept. Athenis non videtur fore. Multa eum in Asia dicuntur morari, maxime Pharnaces. Legio XII, ad quam primam Sulla venit, lapidibus egisse hominem dicitur. Nullam putant se commoturam. Illum arbitrabantur protinus Patris in Siciliam. Sed, si hoc ita est, huc veniat necesse est. Ac mallem illim; aliquo enim modo hinc evasissem. Nunc metuo, ne sit exspectandum et cum reliquis etiam loci gravitas huic miserrimae perferenda.
Quod me mones, ut ea, quae agam, ad tempus accommodem, facerem, si res pateretur, et si ullo modo fieri posset. Sed in tantis nostris peccatis tantisque nostrorum iniuriis nihil est, quod aut facere dignum nobis aut simulare possim. Sullana confers; in quibus omnia genere ipso praeclarissima fuerunt, moderatione paulo minus temperata. Haec autem eius modi sunt, ut obliviscar mei, multoque malim, quod omnibus sit melius, quam[194] quorum utilitati meam adiunxi. Tu ad me tamen velim quam saepissime scribas eoque magis, quod praeterea nemo scribit, ac, si omnes, tuas tamen maxime exspectarem. Quod scribis illum per me Quinto fore placatiorem, scripsi ad te antea eum statim Quinto filio omnia tribuisse, nostri nullam mentionem. Vale.
[194] quam added by Madvig, who also altered the MSS. reading utilitatem to utilitati.
Caesar probably won't reach Athens by the 1st of September. There are said to be many things that keep him in Asia, especially Pharnaces. The 12th legion, which Sulla visited first, is said to have driven him off with stones, and it is thought none of them will stir. Caesar it is supposed will go straight from Patrae to Sicily. But, if so, he must come here. I should have preferred him to go straight there, for I should have got away from here somehow. Now I am afraid I must wait for him, and in addition to other afflictions my poor daughter must endure this unhealthy climate.
You advise me to make my actions fit the times. I would, if circumstances permitted, and it were anyhow possible. But what with all my own mistakes and the wrongs inflicted on me by my family, there is nothing worthy of myself that I can do or even pretend to do. You compare Sulla's reign: that in principle was all that could be noble, but it was rather too lacking in moderation. The present crisis however is such that I forget myself, and should much prefer the public cause to win rather than that with which my interests are bound up. However, please write to me as often as possible, especially as no one else writes, and, if all the world were writing, I should still look forward to your letters more than any. You say Caesar will be kinder to Quintus for my sake: but I told you before he had made every concession to young Quintus, without mentioning me. Farewell.
Diligenter mihi fasciculum reddidit Balbi tabellarius. Accepi enim a te litteras, quibus videris vereri, ut epistulas illas acceperim. Quas quidem vellem mihi numquam redditas; auxerunt enim mihi dolorem, nec, si in aliquem incidissent, quicquam novi attulissent. Quid enim tam pervulgatum quam illius in me odium et genus hoc litterarum? quod ne Caesar quidem ad istos videtur misisse, quasi qui illius improbitate offenderetur, sed, credo, uti notiora nostra mala essent. Nam, quod te vereri scribis, ne illi obsint, eique rei mederi, ne rogari quidem se passus est de illo. Quod quidem mihi molestum non est; illud molestius, istas impetrationes nostras nihil valere.
Sulla, ut opinor, cras erit hic cum Messalla. Currunt ad illum pulsi a militibus, qui se negant usquam, nisi acceperint. Ergo ille huc veniet, quod non putabant, tarde quidem. Itinera enim ita facit, ut multos dies in oppido uno[195] ponat. Pharnaces autem, quoquo modo aget, adferet moram. Quid mihi igitur censes? Iam enim corpore vix sustineo gravitatem huius caeli, quae mihi laborem adfert in dolore. An his illuc euntibus mandem, ut me excusent, ipse accedam propius? Quaeso, attende et me, quod adhuc saepe rogatus
[195] oppido uno Peerlkamp: oppidum MSS.
Balbus' letter-carrier delivered the packet quite promptly. For I have got a letter from you in which you seem to doubt whether I received those letters. I wish they had never been delivered: for they increased my sorrow, and, if they had fallen into anyone's hands, they would not have told them anything new. For his hatred of me and the kind of letters he writes are common knowledge. Even Caesar, when he sent them to your friends, seems to have done it, not to show his annoyance at Quintus' disgraceful conduct, but, I suppose, to make my misfortunes better known. You say you are afraid they may do Quintus some harm, and you are trying to remedy it. Why, Caesar did not even wait to be asked about him. That does not annoy me: what is more annoying is that the favours granted to me have no sterling value.
Sulla, I believe, will be here to-morrow with Messalla. They are hurrying to him, hounded away by the soldiers, who refuse to go anywhere, until they get their pay. So, though people thought he would not, he will be coming here; but not in a hurry. For he is travelling slowly, and he is stopping many days in each town. Then, however he manages things, Pharnaces must delay him. So what do you think about me? For already I am scarcely capable physically of bearing this bad climate, which adds ill-health to my troubles. Shall I commission these people, who are going to him, to make my excuses, and come nearer Rome? Please give the point your
non fecisti, consilio iuva. Scio rem difficilem esse, sed ut in malis etiam illud mea magni interest, te ut videam. Profecto aliquid profecero, si id acciderit. De testamento, ut scribis, animadvertes.
Quod ad te scripseram ut cum Camillo communicares, de eo Camillus mihi scripsit te secum locutum. Tuas litteras exspectabam; nisi illud quidem mutari, si aliter est et oportet, non video posse. Sed, cum ab illo accepissem litteras, desideravi tuas (etsi putabam te certiorem factum non esse), modo valeres; scripseras enim te quodam valetudinis genere temptari.
Agusius quidam Rhodo venerat VIII Idus Quinct. Is nuntiabat Quintum filium ad Caesarem profectum IIII Kal. Iun., Philotimum Rhodum pridie eam diem venisse, habere ad me litteras. Ipsum Agusium audies. Sed tardius iter faciebat. Eo feci, ut celeriter eunti darem. Quid sit in iis litteris, nescio, sed mihi valde Quintus frater gratulatur. Equidem in meo tanto peccato nihil ne cogitatione quidem adsequi possum, quod mihi tolerabile possit esse. Te oro
attention and help me with your advice, which you have not done in spite of many requests. I know it is a knotty question: but, as there is a choice of evils, the mere sight of you is something to me. If I get that, I shall have made some advance. Please attend to the will, as you promise.
Camillus has written to me saying that you have spoken to him on the subject about which I suggested you should consult with him. Now I am expecting a letter from you: only I don't see how the thing is to be changed, if it is not as it ought to be. But, when I got a letter from him, I looked for one from you, though I suppose you did not know the post was going. I only hope you are well: for you said you had an attack of some kind of illness.
A man of the name of Agusius came from Rhodes on the 8th of July. He tells me young Quintus set out to go to Caesar on May 29th, and Philotimus arrived at Rhodes the day before with a letter for me. You will hear Agusius himself: but he is travelling rather slowly. So I arranged to give this to some one who was going more quickly. What there is in that letter, I don't know, but my brother Quintus offers me hearty congratulations. For my part after my great mistake I cannot even imagine anything that can possibly be endurable to me. I beg you to