Robins’s eloquence very often led him to describe things as they were not, and now and again he had to recant and make amends. He is generally credited with having referred to a gallows which stood upon part of an estate, as a unique and elegant hanging wood, and thereby obtaining a considerably larger sum for the property than it was in any way worth. Among Robins’s many eccentricities this must not be reckoned, as the hanging-wood episode, though true in itself, belongs to an earlier time, the trick having been played during the last century. When a man gets credit for the possession of any peculiarity, every story that can be raked up of a suitable kind takes him for its originator or leading spirit, and innumerable tales were at one time current with regard to the great auctioneer, of which he was perfectly innocent. So it is in other things. What did Foote, Garrick, Sheridan, Hook, Sydney Smith, Hood, Barham, Rogers, Jerrold, and numerous other of our celebrated wits, know of a quarter the sayings and doings that have been ascribed to them? Little indeed, we fancy. But there are some things which Robins did say and do which have not been recorded. In answer to a lady who remarked to him that in his graphic descriptions he must have used up the entire dictionary, Robins said, “Madam, I’ll give five pounds to any charitable society you like to name if you can find me a word I have not used.” Mrs Macauley might have taken him at his word, and would doubtless have won the money, but the lady we speak of declined the contest. There is not much in this, except as showing to what an extent his powers of description led him. Having given one of his sayings, we will conclude with an item from his doings, a description of the villa and garden of W. Harrison, Esq., Q.C. We trust we shall cause no one to be discontented with his or her present abode by giving this description—rather do we hope that one of the new race of picturesque reporters may be tempted by it to study under Robins, and thereby improve his condition:—

From the canny North Country we get two bills, the first of which is likely to shake the belief of those who imagine that swindlers and impostors have little chance in the border counties, where the babies are said to be born with their wisdom teeth ready cut, and to “know their way about” before they are out of leading-strings. J. A. was fully possessed of his share of artfulness, and though his name has not come down to us, it being just the same in the bill as here printed, his initials were well known some years back, and his practice was very successful:—

A man who commences a sorcery business for the benefit of the public deserves to succeed, especially when he can break any charm caused by enchantment, conjure back stolen goods, and so play the avenger’s part as to bewitch any person or animal who has done any one an injury. It is a pity J. A. did not get some of his mysterious agents to put his lines a little in order. The other is a Tyneside advertisement, and shows also a partiality for verse—indeed consists of nothing else, if we except the name and address; but its theme is far more material than that of its companion. Unlike in the case of the publican of Wych Street, we will not assume that Mr Catcheside employed any one over the following effusion, of which he is welcome to all the credit:—

Getting back to London, we come upon a bill of the kind now and then adopted with regard to posters, the idea in which is to convey a different notion at sight from that which is given by close inspection. In the following the plan has been carried out with great nicety, the author’s endeavour being to make the notice look like a Government proclamation, and as one of the best specimens of the kind we have ever seen it is presented to the reader:—

The attention of readers will probably be attracted by the advertisement so elaborately concocted and carefully worked out. If its promoters received any extra support because of it, they certainly deserved what they got, as the plan is difficult to connect with any but large bills. The next item we have brings us to the year 1853, and is again from the county of Northumberland. It is far more pretentious than the composition of Mr John Catcheside, but by no means so successful. It is from the pen of a general shopkeeper, who evidently considered he had done something when he had been through his proofs, seen this to press, and forwarded copies to unsuspecting, and, as it turned out, unsympathising, families about G——, a small place not very far from Newcastle:—

This composition having been printed and distributed, the author waited impatiently for its powerful effect, and when to his great astonishment he discovered that it had produced none, he, with the irritability that nearly always accompanies neglected genius, resolved to get back and destroy every copy of his essay, and thereby deny to posterity what his own generation could not appreciate. Fortunately for ourselves, and for ages yet unborn, a copy was preserved, and printed in Notes and Queries.

Most dwellers for any time in London remember Lord Chief Baron Nicholson and his Judge and Jury Society, which used to be held at the Coal Hole in the Strand. Virtuous readers may shudder at the mention of such a place; but time was when the deliberations and decisions of the jury, as well as the directions of the judge and the peculiarities of the witnesses, were productive of mirth independent of double entendre among an audience composed of anything but roysterers and howling cads. In such halcyon days, when Nicholson was in the flesh, looking much more like a chief baron than nine-tenths of the possessors of the title ever did, the following handbill was printed:—

Law was the proprietor of the establishment, and he “flared up” to some tune, so far as the production of suppers required flaring. And suppers were both numerous and excellent at the Coal Hole; the stewed or scalloped oyster, the devilled kidney, the broiled bone, and the modest “rabbit” receiving considerable attention during the progress of the mock trials. Subsequently the Coal Hole became a resort for journalists and actors, who used to be admitted to a snug old room behind the bar; but all that is changed now, an ambitious landlord having modernised the place and driven forth its old habitués. Not by violence or through incivility, but by means of plate-glass, electro tankards, and other goods, the unwonted and unwelcome aspect of which has made wanderers of the old warm-hearted coterie. Why will people “restore” and improve the few comfortable old taverns still left about London, and drive honest folk from the snug and unpretending corners they have occupied for years? This same restoration is shortsighted and impolitic. The houses become nondescript; they are too modern, and perhaps too respectable, for the old customers, not glaring and gassy enough for the new; and so they stand, with just sufficient about them to remind us of the joys that are past, and not enough to tempt us to renew them in the future.

Turning from taverns, coal-holey and otherwise, we have finally to notice that kind of advertising which is the result of an attempt to make profit out of others’ misfortunes. At the time, but a very few years back, of the Overend and Gurney failure, an enterprising linen-draper in the North-West district of London put forth the following handbill (p. 555), which was of large size, surrounded by a thick black mourning border, and which, in addition to being given away, was sent about by post. For reasons which are obvious, we have changed the names, and have no hesitation in giving an opinion that the proceeding was a very sharp bit of business, worthy of the hero of the wooden nutmegs.

It was followed by a long list of the goods to be sold, with the market prices and those at which they were offered, the practice of making up two sets of figures on goods having been found very efficacious of late years. This brings us well up to the present time, and as that is quite capable of taking care of itself without any assistance from us, we will conclude, in the hope that, though we have perforce passed many interesting specimens by, our selection, considering the space at command, has not been in any way injudicious.

Facsimile of handbill

CHAPTER XIX.
AMERICAN AND COLONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS.

In such a go-ahead nation as the United States, it is only natural that advertising should be a very important feature of its business arrangements; and in perusing most of the papers which have travelled across the Atlantic, we find that our cousins have what are called much broader notions concerning the duties of advertisements than we have. The word broader we use in its conventional sense, and without any wish to take responsibility upon ourselves; for the so-called broader view is, after all, only the view which will be found expressed in those of our pages which contain notices published a hundred years ago. So that perhaps, after all, the broader view is our modern view; for it is, or certainly should be, the improved view. In course of time the American press may adopt the plan now in use here so far as regards all the papers which we consider representative, that of having an outward and visible show of decency in the advertisement columns, no matter what darkness or danger lurks beneath. With very few exceptions, the papers which come from the United States—we refer not to the hole-and-corner but to the high-class, which are widely read and disseminated among family circles—contain advertisements which would be rejected by the gutter journals of this country. A hundred years ago, as we have said and instanced, our papers were not at all particular, so long as they could get advertisements, what they took; now a sense of what is right and proper compels them to refuse many notices which would be highly paid for—would be paid any price for—and in time the American press will doubtless follow the self-abnegating example. The broadened view we think, therefore, is ours, yet our style is often referred to as narrow-minded. The narrow mind is that which sacrifices its honour and credit in its greed for immediate profit and hunger after the almighty dollar.

For many reasons there is a great difficulty in dealing with American advertisements. Sometimes they are too long for quotation, at other times they are too broad; and very often one is not quite sure whether or not it is a really bona fide advertisement he is reading, or only an expression of gratitude from an editor for the favours he has received or fondly anticipates. American editors have peculiar notions on the subject of advertisements and the duties of advertisers. In a New York journal which boldly announces itself as the American Gentleman’s Newspaper, there is, or used to be, an editorial notice which informs all whom it most concerns, that, so as to meet the requirements of the family circle, and so that the paper may be left upon every gentleman’s breakfast-table, the use of the name of the Deity is expressly forbidden in the advertising or other columns. We quote from memory, but if these are not the exact words, the line of argument—if argument such a non sequitur can be called—is identical with that used by Mr Wilkes, the proprietor and editor of this model and gentlemanly paper. It would be well, however, if the American lady’s newspaper erred in no greater particular than the American gentleman’s does. For the honour of America it is to be sincerely hoped that its ladies know nothing of the sheets which are flaunted here with the names of women as the editors, and which are said to be written especially for women. It is hard to believe that any sane creature, much more a woman, could write such festering scurrility, such fatuous blasphemy, and such shameless indecency and advocacy of open adultery as appear in the columns of one at least of these women’s journals; but it is easy to imagine that a few besotted females, suffering from erotic and other dementia, should exhibit themselves to the scornful gaze of the virtuous or the only moderately vicious for the purpose of obtaining notoriety—far easier than to believe that the women of America are the readers of and subscribers to these papers and their opinions. We are quite sure that no woman worthy of the name would look a second time at the organ of Victoria C. Woodhull and Tennie C. Claflin—quite as sure as that the two persons we have named are, with their followers, quite unfit to be regarded as women. We have referred to this paper and its “editors” because it and they represent a class of journals and journalists which are, unfortunately for Americans, too apt to be taken as standard representatives of the type, and from no desire to accord them the spurious celebrity they so anxiously covet.

Still, without wishing to impute anything like iniquity to American newspapers generally, it must be admitted that the vast majority of them have rather lax notions of propriety, and their motto being “Get money,” they are apt to ignore the existence of ill in any advertisement, provided the presenter of it has his “pile” ready, and will “come down handsome.” This is evident throughout the whole of the transatlantic news world; and though there are, we feel bound and are glad to admit, very honourable exceptions, they are but the exceptions which prove the rule. As the editors and proprietors generally accuse each other, they cannot feel annoyed if we, standing afar off, make our notes according to what they give us. If they prefer to feel angry, however, we shall not stand in their way; but doubtless the majority are too intent on getting money to care much for what is said about them. Indeed there are many who exult in the notion of making capital by all kinds of advertisements, from the puff preliminary to the nauseating display of vile quackery or undisguised immorality, and vary this with agreeable little interludes in the way of black-mail. In several American newspapers open and undisguised announcements have been published that their columns are to be bought, and that for a price they will advocate any cause or take any side of a disputed question.

But throughout all this there is a great spice of humour, and in the general run of American advertisements it is much to be feared, and only natural to assume, that a stricter code of morality would result in a vast increase of dulness, the general concomitant of prim respectability. Yet it is possible to be wise as well as witty, and even now a good percentage of American advertisers prove this. From these we shall endeavour to select our stock, and so give all the humour without intruding the unpleasantness, except where it is absolutely necessary for the purpose of giving a fair idea of the American system. A good instance of ingenuity is that of the grocer in Pennsylvania, who on the fence of a graveyard inscribed in large white letters, “Use Jones’s bottled ale if you would keep out of here.” Grave subjects are often chosen as opportunities for advertising, one thing frequently offered being “Port wine as pure as the tears which fall upon a sister’s grave.” A firm engaged in the “statuary line” state that “those who buy tombstones of us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves of their friends;” and from a large upholstery establishment the following emanates:—

There is, after all, not much opportunity for the display of novelty in advertisements nowadays; but a merchant in Newark, New York State, succeeded very well by leaving his column entirely blank with the exception of this note, in very small type, at the bottom: “This space was sold to A. E. Brennan and Co., but as their business is sufficiently brisk already they decline to use it.” This anecdote in its progress has been related of most large houses in or about New York and Boston, but Brennan was the man who gave rise to it. Quite as business-like, and rather more cynical, was the Ohio tradesman who, in large print, gave the following forth: “Ministers of the Gospel supplied with goods at cost, if they agree to mention the fact to their congregations.” And though the next is a purely private communication, the author of it was evidently a born advertiser: “If the party who took a fancy to my overcoat was influenced by the inclemency of the weather, all right; but if by commercial considerations, I am ready to negotiate for its return.” In an advertisement headed “Full-dress funeral,” which appears in a Philadelphia paper, is the intimation that “all the gentlemen friends of the late Mr Smith desirous of participating in the funeral will appear in full-dress suit and white gloves at Happy Hall, at nine o’clock a.m. on Friday morning, Jan. 29, and proceed from thence in a body to the house of the deceased.” This peculiarity of a.m. in the morning reminds us of the announcement on a bridge at Denver, Colorado, which states that “no vehicle drawn by more than one animal is allowed to cross this bridge in opposite directions at the same time;” though our intention, while touching on funerals, was to give the subjoined letter from an enterprising undertaker in Illinois to a sick man: “Dear sir, having positive proof that you are rapidly approaching Death’s gate, I have, therefore, thought it not imprudent to call your attention to the inclosed advertisement of my abundant stock of ready-made coffins, and desire to make the suggestion that you signify to your friends a wish for the purchase of your burial outfit at my establishment.” And thereon followed an elaborate list of the essentials to a first-class funeral, the reader having nothing to do but to supply the corpse. Apropos of supply, the following from a Chicago confectioner’s notice is worthy of remark: “Families supplied by the quart or gallon.” This ostensibly refers to olives, but to us it seems very suggestive of olive branches. Occasionally, in running through the papers, one is surprised at the appetite of a lady who wants “to take a gentleman for breakfast and tea;” at the single-mindedness of a boarding-house keeper who advertises that “single gentlemen are furnished with pleasant rooms, also one or two gentlemen with wives;” or the boldness of a merchant who, in a free country, openly gives notice that there is “wanted—a woman to sell on commission.”

We have already referred to the “editorials” which have a more or less remote connection with advertisements, and now select two examples with which to illustrate our meaning. They are of very opposite characters, and will serve to give both extremes, between which all sorts of puffs may find classification. The first is very common. Says the editor of a Yankee paper:—

This tradesman had evidently supplied, or promised to supply, a new covering for the editorial head, with perhaps a little light refreshment as well. The other specimen is far more deliberate, and at the same time more respectable. It is from a Buffalo paper of half-a-dozen years back, and is not at all unlike the very earliest advertisement recommendations of our own country:—