“And once, when I was compelled to part with a young man who had honored and valued me as his friend and protector, though my love had remained unknown to him, those fine verses by Scheffel kept passing through my mind, especially the last,—mutatis mutandis:—

“I have never independently revealed my love to a young man, and have never spoiled or injured one morally; but I have, now and then, made the way easy for many. Under such circumstances, nothing is too much trouble, and I obtain victims as only I can.

“When I have an opportunity to have such a beloved friend about me, to educate, protect, and help, if my recognized love find a (natural, unsexual) return, then all my disgusting mental imagery grows less and less intense; then my love becomes almost platonic and ennobled, to sink again into the mire when this worthy satisfaction is removed.

“As for the rest, and without over-estimating myself, I may say that I am not one of the worst of men. Brighter mentally than the average man, I take interest in all that moves humanity. I am amiable, and easily moved to pity, and am incapable of doing any animal, much less a man, an injury; but, on the contrary, do good wherever I can.

“When I have nothing to reproach myself with in my own conscience, and must, at the same time, set myself in opposition to the judgment of the world, I suffer very much. Indeed, I have done no one harm, and I consider my love, in its noblest activity, to be quite as holy as that of a normal man; but, with the unhappy lot which impatience and ignorance cast upon us, I suffer even to the extent of tædium vitæ.

“No pen, no tongue can describe all the misery, all the unhappy situations, the constant fear of having this peculiarity recognized, and of being cast from society. The one thought that, as soon as recognized, one’s existence would be lost, and he would be cast away from all, is as terrible as any thought can be. Then all the good that one had ever done would be forgotten; then, in the pride of his great morality, every normal man would be moved to scorn, even though he himself had been never so frivolous in his own love.

“Then what does our misery amount to? We may, cursing man, end our unhappy lives. Truly, I often long for the quiet of an asylum. My life may end when it will, the quicker the better; I am ready.

“To refer to one more point: I also believe, like the others that have written to you, that our nervousness is first acquired as a result of our unhappy, unspeakably miserable life among our fellow-creatures.

“And still another: You write, at the conclusion of your work, concerning the repeal of the legal enactments concerned. Indeed, humanity would not be destroyed if they were repealed. In Italy there is no such law, as far as I know; and Italy is not a wilderness, but a cultivated nation.

“As for myself, compelled as I am to undermine my life by onanism, the law could not touch me; for I have never sinned against it in a letter. But, at the same time, I suffer under the accursed scorn to which we are subjected. How can the ideas of society be changed, so long as there is a law which strengthens it in its immorality? The law must, of course, correspond with public opinion; but it should not be in harmony with the erroneous opinion of ignorance, but only in accord with the ideas of the best and most scientific thinkers,—not with the wish and prejudice of the vulgar. True thinking minds cannot much longer be satisfied with the old idea.

“Pardon me, Professor, if I close without a signature. Do not try to find me. I could tell you nothing more. I give you these lines in the interest of future sufferers. Publish from them, in the interest of science, truth, and justice, what seems to you to be necessary.”

Case 115. On a summer evening, at twilight, X. Y., a physician of a city in North Germany, was detected by a watchman while committing a misdemeanor with a countryman in a field. He was practicing masturbation on him, and then mentulam alius in os suum immisit. X. escaped legal prosecution by flight. The authorities dismissed the complaint, because there had been no publicity, and because immissio membri in anum had not taken place. Among X.’s effects was found an extensive correspondence of a perverse sexual character, which showed that he had had perverse intercourse for years with all classes of people.

X. came of a neurotic family. His paternal grandfather died by suicide while insane. His father was a weak, peculiar man. One brother masturbated at the age of two. A cousin was sexually perverse, and practiced perverse acts, similar to those of X., while a youth; he became weak-minded, and died of spinal disease. A paternal great-uncle was an hermaphrodite. His mother’s sister was insane. His mother is said to have been healthy. X.’s brother is nervous and irascible.

X., likewise, was nervous as a child. The mewing of a cat would create great fear in him; and if one but imitated the voice of a cat, he would cry bitterly, and run to others for protection. Slight physical disturbance caused violent fever. He was a quiet, dreamy child, of excitable imagination, but of slight mental capabilities. He did not indulge much in boyish games; he preferred feminine pursuits. It gave him especial pleasure to curl the hair of the house-maid or of his brother.

At thirteen X. went to an Institute. There he practiced mutual masturbation, seduced his comrades, and, by his cynical conduct, made them unmanageable; so that he had to be taken home. At that time the parents found love-letters with lascivious contents, showing perverse sexuality. From the age of seventeen he studied under the strict surveillance of a professor in a Gymnasium. He made but sad progress in learning. He had only a talent for music.

After finishing his studies, the patient entered the University, at the age of nineteen. There he attracted attention by his cynical character and his association with young persons who were thought to be given to masculine love. He began to be dandified; wore striking cravats, and shirts that were low cut; he forced his feet into narrow shoes, and curled his hair in a remarkable way. This peculiarity disappeared when he left the school, and had returned home.

At the age of twenty-four he was for a long time neurasthenic. From that time until his twenty-ninth year, he was earnest and skillful in his profession; but he avoided the society of the opposite sex, and constantly associated with men of doubtful character.

The patient would not allow a personal examination. In writing, he made the excuse for this that it would be of no use, because his impulse to his own sex had existed from his earliest childhood, and was congenital. He had always had horror feminæ, and had never been inclined to avail himself of the charms of women. Toward men he felt himself in the rôle of a man. He recognized his impulse toward his own sex as abnormal, and excused his sexual indulgence as being the result of an abnormal natural condition.

Since his flight X. lives out of Germany, in Southern Italy, and, as I learned from a letter, now, as before, he indulges in perverse love. X. is an earnest, stately man, of masculine features, well-grown beard, and normally developed genitals. Dr. X. furnished me, a short time ago, with his autobiography, of which the following is worthy of mention:—

“When, at the age of seven, I entered the private school, I felt very uncomfortable, and found very little sympathy with my companions. Only toward one of them, who was a very handsome child, did I feel attracted, and I loved him wildly. In childish games I always knew how to arrange it so that I could appear in feminine attire; and my greatest pleasure was to form intricate coiffures for our servant-girls. I often regretted that I was not a girl.

“My sexual instinct awakened when I was thirteen, and from the moment of its appearance was directed toward youthful, strong men. At first I was not really certain that this was abnormal, but consciousness of it came when I saw and heard how my companions were characterized sexually. I began to masturbate at the age of thirteen. At seventeen I left home and went to the Gymnasium of a large Capital, where I was put to board with a married professor of the Gymnasium, with whose son I afterward had sexual relations. It was with him that I first had sexual satisfaction. Thereafter I made the acquaintance of a young artist, who very soon noticed that I was abnormal, and confessed to me that he was in the same condition. I learned from him that this abnormality was very frequent; and this knowledge overcame the trouble that I had had in supposing that I was alone in my abnormality. This young man had an extensive acquaintance with persons in like condition, to which he introduced me. There I became the object of general attention, for on all sides I was declared to be very attractive physically. I soon became insanely loved by an old gentleman; but, not finding him to my taste, I endured him but a short time, and then gave ear to a young and handsome officer who lay at my feet. He was really my first love.

“After passing my final examination, at the age of nineteen, free from the discipline of school, I made the acquaintance of a great number of people like myself, and among them Karl Ulrichs (Numa Numantinus).

“When, later, I took up the study of medicine, and associated with many normal youths, I was often in a position where I was compelled to visit public prostitutes. After having consorted to no purpose with various prostitutes, some of whom were very beautiful, the opinion was spread among my acquaintances that I was impotent, and I strengthened this by telling of previous sexual excesses. At that time I had numerous external relations with persons who prized my physical peculiarities, which were considered very beautiful. The result of this was, that I was exciting somebody all the time; and I received such a mass of love-letters that I was often in embarrassment. The acme of this was reached later, when, as a physician, I lived in the hospital. There I moved about like a celebrated person, and the scenes of jealousy that took place, on my account, almost led to the discovery of the whole thing. Shortly after this, I fell ill with an inflammation of my shoulder-joint, from which I recovered after three months. During this illness I received subcutaneous injections of morphine several times daily, which were suddenly discontinued, and which I practiced thereafter secretly after my recovery. For the purpose of special study, I spent some months in Vienna, before entering into private practice, and there, by means of some recommendations, I gained entrance to various circles of people like myself. I there learned that the abnormality in question, in its various forms, is spread through the lower classes as well as the higher, and that those who are approachable for money are not infrequently met among the higher classes.

“When I established myself in the country, I hoped to cure myself of the morphine habit by means of cocaine; and then I became a victim of cocaine, which, only after three relapses, I was able to rid myself of (about two years ago). In my position, it was impossible for me to find sexual satisfaction, and I noticed with pleasure that the use of cocaine had overcome my desire. When, on the first occasion, at the urgent request of my aunt, I had emancipated myself from cocaine, I traveled for a few weeks, in order to improve my health, the perverse impulses were again awakened in their old strength, and, one evening, while out in the fields by the city amusing myself with a man, I noticed that I had been detected by the authorities and advertised; but that the act of which I was accused was not punishable, in accordance with the opinion expressed by the highest court of the German kingdom. I had, therefore, to be careful; for already the announcement of the crime had been heralded on all sides. I saw that, after this, I would be compelled to leave Germany, and find a new home where neither the law nor public opinion would be opposed to that impulse, which, like all abnormal instincts, could not be overcome by the will. Since I was never deceived for a moment about the matter, in recognizing my impulses as opposed to social usages, I repeatedly attempted to become master of them; but by these efforts they were increased in power. This same observation has been communicated to me by acquaintances. Since I was exclusively drawn toward strong, youthful, and masculine individuals, and they were very seldom inclined to yield to my wishes, I was compelled to buy them. Since my desire was limited to persons of the lower classes, I was always able to find such as were purchasable with money. I hope that the following statements will not awaken your repugnance. At first I intended to omit them; but, for the completeness of this communication, I may include them, since they serve to enrich the clinical material. I am compelled to perform the sexual act in the following way:—

“Pene juvenis in os recepto, ita ut commovendo ore meo effecerim, ut is quem cupio, semen ejaculaverit, sperma in perinæum exspuo, femora comprimi jubeo et penem meum ad versus et intra femora compressa immitto. Dum hæc fiunt, necesse est, ut juvenis me, quantum potest, amplectatur. Quæ prius me fecisse narravi, eandem mihi afferunt voluptatem, acsi ipse ejaculo. Ejaculationem pene in anum immittendo vel manu terendo assequi, mihi nequaquam amœnum est.

“Sed inveni, qui penem meum receperint atque ea facientes, quæ supra exposui, effecerint, ut libidines meæ plane sint saturatæ.

“Concerning my person, I must still mention the following: I am 186 centimetres tall, of masculine appearance, and, with the exception of abnormal irritability of the skin, healthy. My hair and beard are black and thick. My genitals are of medium size and normally formed. I am able, without any trace of fatigue, to perform the sexual act from four to six times in twenty-four hours. My life is very regular. I use alcohol and tobacco very sparingly. I play the piano quite well, and some of my unpretentious compositions have been much applauded. I have lately finished a novel, which, as my first work, has been very favorably criticised by my friends. The story has several problems taken from the life of urnings in the subject-matter.

“Among the large number of fellow-sufferers that are personally known to me, I have naturally been in a position to make observations concerning the condition and the degrees of abnormality; and, perhaps, the following communications may be of service to you:—

“The most abnormal thing that I am acquainted with, was the impulse of a gentleman who lived in Berlin. He preferred, above all others, young fellows with unwashed feet, which he would lick passionately. A gentleman in Leipzig was similar to him; who, where it was possible, would linguam in anum immittere, preferring the parts to be uncleaned. Several have assured me that the sight of riding-boots or of parts of military uniforms, induced such excitement in them that ejaculation resulted. A man in Paris compelled a friend ut in os ei mingat.

“With reference to the degree in which many feel themselves as women, which is with me not the case, two persons in Vienna are examples. They bore feminine names. One is a barber who calls himself ‘French Laura’; the other was formerly a butcher, who calls himself ‘Selcher-Fanny.’ Both of them never missed an opportunity, during the carnival time, to show themselves in very fantastic feminine masks. In Hamburg there is a person that many people believe to be a woman, because he always goes about the house in feminine attire, and only occasionally leaves the house, and always in such clothing. This man wished to stand as godmother at a christening, and, as a result of it, gave rise to great scandal.

“Feminine timidity, frivolity, obstinacy, and weakness of character, are the rule in such individuals.

“Several cases of perverse sexuality are known to me where epilepsy and psychoses are present. Hernias are remarkably frequent. In practice many persons come to me to be treated for diseases of the anus, because of recommendation by friends. I saw two syphilitic and one local chancre, and several fissures; and at present I am treating a gentleman for condylomata of the anus, which form a rounded tumor as large as a fist. One case of primary affection of the soft palate I saw in Vienna, in a young man who was accustomed to frequent mask-balls dressed as a girl, and entice young men; he would then pretend that he was menstruating, and thus induce the others to use him per os. The assertion was made that in this way he had deceived fourteen men in one evening. Since, in none of the publications concerning contrary sexuality that I have seen, I have found anything concerning the intercourse of pederasts among themselves, I venture to communicate something concerning it in conclusion:—

“As soon as individuals that are affected with contrary sexuality become acquainted, there is a detailed narration of their experiences, loves, and seductions, as far as the social difference between them allows such entertainment. Only in very few cases is this amusement uncommon with new acquaintances. Among themselves, they call themselves ‘aunts’; in Vienna, ‘sisters’; and two very masculine public prostitutes in Vienna, whom I accidentally became acquainted with, and who lived in a perverse sexual relation with each other, told me that for the corresponding condition in women the name ‘uncle’ was used. Since becoming conscious of my abnormal instinct, I have met thousands of such individuals.

“Almost every large city has some meeting-place, as well as a so-called promenade. In smaller cities there are relatively few ‘aunts,’ though in a small town of 2300 inhabitants I found eight, and in one of 7000 eighteen of whom I was absolutely sure,—to say nothing of those whom I suspected. In my own town of 30,000 inhabitants, I personally know about one hundred and twenty ‘aunts.’ The greater number of them, and I especially, possess the capability of judging another immediately as to whether they are alike or not, which, in the language of the ‘aunts,’ is called ‘reasonable’ or ‘unreasonable.’ My acquaintances are often astounded at the certainty of my judgment. Individuals that are apparently absolutely masculine I recognize as ‘aunts’ at the first sight. On the other hand, I am able to behave myself in such a masculine way that, in circles to which I have been introduced by acquaintances, there is a doubt as to my genuineness. When I am in the mood, I can act exactly like a girl.

“Since the majority of ‘aunts,’ like myself, in no way regret their abnormality, but would be sorry if the condition were to be changed; and, moreover, since the congenital condition, according to my own and all other experience, cannot be influenced; therefore, all our hope rests upon the possibility of a change of the laws with reference to it, so that only rape or the commission of public offense, when this can be proved at the same time, shall be punishable.”

Case 116. Contrary Sexual Instinct in a Woman.—S. J., aged 38, governess, came to me for advice about a nervous trouble. Her father was temporarily insane, and died of a brain disease. The patient is an only child, and even when quite young she suffered with feelings of anxiety and painful ideas. She thought, for example, that she would awake in her coffin after it had been closed; that at confession she might forget something, and make a sinful confession. She suffered much with headache. She was always very much excited and apprehensive, but yet she had to see horrible things, like corpses, etc.

Even in her earliest childhood, the patient was excited sexually, and began to masturbate without any teaching. The menses began at fourteen, and were always accompanied by colicky pains, violent sexual excitement, migraine, and depression. After her eighteenth year she learned to repress her impulse to masturbate.

The patient has never felt any inclination toward persons of the opposite sex. If she thought of marriage, it was only because she sought in matrimony a means of being supported. On the other hand, she felt powerfully attracted by girls. At first she regarded this inclination as friendship; but in the depth of her attachment to female friends, and in the longing she constantly felt for them, she recognized that the feeling was something more than friendship.

The patient cannot understand how a girl can love a man, but she can easily see how a man might love a girl. She always has a lively interest in beautiful women and girls, and is powerfully excited at sight of them. Her longing had always been to kiss and embrace such dear creatures. She had never dreamed of a man, but only of girls. Her delight had been to revel in the sight of them. Separation from such female friends had always made her desperate.

The patient, whose appearance is perfectly feminine and very respectable, states that she has never felt herself in any particular rôle with her friends, not even in dreams. Female pelvis; large mammæ; no sign of beard.

Case 117. Mrs. R., Russian, aged 35, of high social position, was brought to me, in 1886, by her husband for advice.

Father was a physician, and very neuropathic. Paternal grandfather was healthy and normal, and reached the age of ninety-six. Facts concerning paternal grandmother are wanting. All the children of father’s family are said to have been nervous. The patient’s mother was nervous, and suffered with asthma. The mother’s parents were healthy. One of the mother’s sisters had melancholia.

From her tenth year patient has been subject to habitual headache. With the exception of measles, she has had no illness. She was capable, and enjoyed the best of training, having especial talent for music and languages. It became necessary for her to prepare herself for the work of a governess, and during her earlier years she was mentally overworked. She passed through an attack of melancholia sine delirio, of some months’ duration, at seventeen. The patient asserts that she has always had sympathy only for her own sex, and found only an æsthetic interest in men. She never had any taste for female work. As a little girl, she preferred to play with boys.

She says she remained well until her twenty-seventh year. Then, without external cause, she became depressed and considered herself a bad, sinful person, had no pleasure in anything, and was sleepless. During this time of illness she was also troubled with imperative conceptions: that she must think of the death of herself and her relatives. Recovery after about five months. She then became a governess, was overworked, but remained well, except for occasional neurasthenic symptoms and spinal irritation.

At twenty-eight she made the acquaintance of a lady five years younger than herself. She fell in love with her, and her love was returned. The love was very sensual, and satisfied by mutual masturbation. “I loved her as a god; her’s is a noble soul,” she said, when she mentioned this love-bond. It lasted four years, and was ended by the (unfortunate) marriage of her friend.

In 1885, after much emotional strain, the patient became ill with symptoms of hystero-neurasthenia (dyspepsia, spinal irritation, and tonic spasmodic attacks; attacks of hemiopia with migraine and transitory aphasia; pruritus pudendi et ani). In February, 1886, these symptoms disappeared.

In March she became acquainted with her present husband, and married him without taking much time for reflection; for he was rich, much in love with her, and his character was in sympathy with her own.

On April 6th, she read the sentence, “Death misses no one.” Like a flash of lightning in a clear sky, the former imperative conceptions of death returned. She was forced to meditate on the most horrible manner of death for herself and those about her, and constantly imagine death-scenes. She lost rest and sleep, and took no pleasure in anything. Her condition improved. Late in May, 1886, she was married, but was still troubled by painful thoughts at that time: that she would bring misfortune on her husband and those about her.

First coitus on June 6, 1886. She was deeply depressed morally by it. She had had no such conception of matrimony. The husband, who really loved his wife, did all he could to quiet her. He consulted physicians, who thought all would be well after pregnancy. The husband was unable to explain the peculiar behavior of his wife. She was friendly toward him, and suffered his caresses. In coitus, which was actually carried out, she was entirely passive, and after the act she was tired, exhausted all day long, nervous, and troubled with spinal irritation.

A bridal tour brought about a meeting with her old friend, who had lived in an unhappy marriage for three years. The two ladies trembled with joy and excitement as they sank into each other’s arms, and became inseparable. The husband saw that this friendly relation was a peculiar one, and hastened their departure. He had an opportunity to ascertain, through the correspondence of his wife with this friend, that the letters interchanged were like those of two lovers.

Mrs. R. became pregnant. During pregnancy the remains of depression and imperative ideas disappeared. In September, during about the ninth week of pregnancy, abortion took place. After that, renewed symptoms of hystero-neurasthenia. In addition to this, there were anteflexio et latero-positio dextra uteri, anæmia, and atonia ventriculi.

At the consultation the patient gave the impression of a very neuropathic, tainted person. The neuropathic expression of the eyes cannot be described. Appearance entirely feminine. With the exception of a very narrow, arched palate, there was no skeletal abnormality. With difficulty the patient could be brought to give the details of her sexual abnormality. She complained that she had married without knowing what marriage between men and women was. She loved her husband dearly for his mental qualities, but marital intercourse was a pain to her; she did it unwillingly, without ever finding any satisfaction in it. Post actum, all day long she was weary and exhausted. Since the abortion and the interdiction of sexual intercourse by the physicians, she had been better; but she thought of the future with horror. She esteemed her husband, and loved him mentally; but she would do anything for him, if he would but avoid her sexually in the future. She hoped to have sensual feeling for him in time. When he played the violin, she seemed to feel the beginning of an inclination for him that was something more than friendship; but it was only transitory, and she could get no assurance for the future in it. Her greatest happiness was in correspondence with her former lover. She felt that this was wrong, but she could not give it up; for to do so made her miserable.

It is remarkable that the anomaly may be long limited to mere perversion of the sexual instinct, and that the impulse to perverse indulgence may make its appearance after some accidental cause,—e.g., seduction, or some neurosis. Such cases might easily be mistaken for acquired contrary sexual instinct (v. supra), if, with reference to the sexual feeling, they should not be demonstrated by the history to be original and congenital.

Case 118. Mrs. C., aged 32, wife of an official, a large, not uncomely woman, feminine in appearance, comes of a neuropathic and emotional mother. A brother was psychopathic, and died of drink. Patient was always peculiar, obstinate, silent, quick-tempered, and eccentric. The brothers and sisters are excitable people. Pulmonary phthisis has been frequent in her family. When only a girl of thirteen, with signs of great sexual excitement, she attracted attention by enthusiastic love for a female friend of her own age. Her education was strict, though the patient secretly read many novels, and wrote innumerable poems. She married at eighteen to free herself from unpleasant circumstances at home.

She says she has always been indifferent toward men. In fact, she avoided balls. Female statues pleased her. Her greatest happiness was to think of marriage with a beloved woman. She was not aware of her sexual peculiarity until marriage, and the thing had remained inexplicable to her. Patient did her marital duty, and bore three children, two of whom were subject to convulsions. She lived pleasantly with her husband, but she esteemed him only for his moral qualities. She gladly avoided coitus. “I should have preferred intercourse with a woman.”

Until 1878 she had been neurasthenic. On the occasion of a sojourn at a watering-place, she made the acquaintance of a female urning, whose history I have reported as Case 6, in the Irrenfreund, No. 1, 1884.

The patient came home a changed person. Her husband says: “She was no longer a woman, no longer had any love for me and the children, and would have no more of marital approaches. She was inflamed with passionate love for her female friend, and had taste for nothing else.” After the husband forbade her lover the house, there was interchange of letters with such expressions in them as “My dove! I live only for you, my soul.” There were meetings and frightful excitement when an expected letter did not come. The relation was in nowise platonic. From certain indications it is presumable that mutual masturbation was the means of sensual satisfaction. This relation lasted until 1882, and made the patient decidedly neurasthenic.

She absolutely neglected the house, and her husband hired a woman of sixty years as a house-keeper, and also a governess for the children. The patient fell in love with both, who, at least, allowed caresses, and profited materially through the love of their mistress.

In the latter part of 1883, on account of developing pulmonary tuberculosis, she had to go south. There she became acquainted with a Russian lady of forty years, and fell passionately in love with her; but she did not meet with a return of love in her sense. One day insanity became manifest. She thought the Russian lady a nihilist; that she was magnetized by her; and she presented formal persecutory delusions. She fled, and was caught in an Italian city, and placed in a hospital, where she soon became quiet. Again she followed the lady with her love, felt herself very unhappy, and planned suicide.

When she returned home, she was greatly depressed because she did not have the lady, and was contrary toward her family. A delusive, erotic state of excitement came on about the end of May, 1884. She danced, shouted, and called herself a man; demanded her former lovers, and said she was of royal blood. She escaped from the house in male attire, and was taken to the asylum in a state of eroto-maniacal excitement. After a few days the exaltation disappeared. The patient became quiet, and made a despairing attempt at suicide; and after it she was in great anguish of mind with tædium vitæ. The perverse sexual feeling grew less and less noticeable, and the tuberculosis progressed. The patient died of phthisis in the beginning of 1885.

The examination of the brain presented nothing unusual as far as architecture and arrangement of convolutions were concerned. Weight of brain 1150 grammes. Skull slightly asymmetrical. No anatomical signs of degeneration. External and internal genitals without anomaly.

3. Effemination and Viraginity.—There are various transitions from the foregoing cases to those making up this category, characterized by the degree in which the psychical personality, especially in general manner of feeling and inclinations, is influenced by the abnormal sexual feeling. In this group, fully-developed cases in men are females in feeling; in women, males. This abnormality of feeling and of development of the character is often apparent in childhood. The boy likes to spend his time with girls, play with dolls, and help his mother about the house; he likes to cook, sew, knit, and develops taste in female toilettes, so that he may even become the adviser of his sisters. As he grows older he eschews smoking, drinking, and manly sports, and, on the contrary, finds pleasure in adornment of person, art, belles-lettres, etc., even to the extent of giving himself entirely to the cultivation of the beautiful. Since women possess corresponding inclinations, he prefers to move in the society of women.

If he can assume the rôle of a female at a masquerade, it is his greatest delight. He seeks to please his lover, so to speak, by studiously trying to represent what pleases the female-loving man in the opposite sex,—sweetness, sympathy, taste for æsthetics, poetry, etc. Efforts to approach the female appearance in gait, attitude, and style of dress are frequently seen.

The female urning, even when a little girl, presents the reverse. Her favorite place is the play-ground of boys. She seeks to rival them in their games. The girl will have nothing to do with dolls; her passion is for playing horse, soldier, and robber. For female employments there is manifested not merely a lack of taste, but often unskillfulness in them. The toilette is neglected, and pleasure found in a coarse, boyish life. Instead of an inclination for the arts, there is manifested an inclination and taste for the sciences. Occasionally there may be attempts to smoke and drink. Perfumes and cosmetics are abhorred. The consciousness of being born a woman, and, therefore, of being compelled to renounce the University, with its gay life, and the army, induces painful reflections.

In the inclinations of the amazon for manly sports, the masculine soul in the female bosom manifests itself; and not less in the show of courage and manly feeling. The female urning loves to wear her hair and have her clothing in the fashion of men; and it is her greatest pleasure, when opportunity offers, to appear in male attire. Her ideals are historical and contemporary feminine personalities distinguished for mind and energy.

With reference to the sexual feeling and instinct of these urnings, so thoroughly permeated in all their mental being, the men, without exception, feel themselves to be females; the women feel themselves to be males. Thus they feel themselves to be antagonistic to persons of their own sex constituted like themselves; for, of course, they are like them in form. But, on the other hand, they are drawn toward those of their own sex that are homo-sexual or sexually normal. The same jealousy which occurs in normal sexual life also occurs here, when rivalry is threatened; and, indeed, since they are, as a rule, hyperæsthetic sexually, this jealousy is often boundless.

In cases of completely-developed contrary sexuality, hetero-sexual love is looked upon as a thing absolutely incomprehensible; sexual intercourse with a person of the opposite sex is unthinkable, impossible. Such an attempt brings on the inhibitory concept of disgust or even horror, which makes erection impossible. Only two of my transitional cases to the third category were able, with the help of their imagination, by thinking of themselves as men with reference to the woman, to have cohabitation; but the act, which was inadequate for them, was a great sacrifice, and afforded them no pleasure.

In homo-sexual intercourse the man always feels himself, in the act, as a woman; the woman, as a man. The means of indulgence, in the case of a man, where there is irritable weakness of the ejaculation centre, are simply succubus, or passive coitus inter femora; in other cases, passive masturbation, or ejaculatio viri dilecti in ore proprio. Many have a desire for passive pederasty; occasionally a desire for active pederasty occurs. In one attempt of this kind, the man desisted because of the disgust which seized him when the act reminded him of coitus.

There was never inclination for immature persons (boy-love). Not infrequently there were only platonic desires. The sexual satisfaction of the female probably consists of amor lesbicus, or active masturbation.

Case 119. Autobiography. “1. Descent: I am now in my twenty third year. I have chosen the study of the technical arts as an occupation, and am completely satisfied with it. I had but the mild diseases of children, while the other children, who are now healthy, had to pass through severe illnesses. My parents are both living, and my father is an advocate. He, like my mother, is, as we say, nervously hyper-sensitive. In my father’s family there were two other children, who died early.

“2. My person: As for my physical peculiarities, I am of robust figure, without being of especially handsome form; eyes, gray; hair, blonde; hair and beard correspond with my sex and years. The mammæ and genitals are normally developed. My gait is firm and almost heavy; my bearing, careless. It is remarkable that the breadth of the pelvis is exactly equal to that of the shoulders.

“I am naturally well endowed mentally. In one of my certificates my talents are, in fact, called ‘excellent.’ Without any particular desire to excel in them, I passed my examinations with distinction. I have an interest in everything that concerns the well-being of humanity, and in science, art, and industry. With my energy it is comparatively easy to postpone for a time the satisfaction of my desires, which will be described hereafter. Intentionally and consciously, I curse the morality of to-day, which forces those who are abnormal sexually to break laws that are voluntarily established, and regards sexual congress of two persons of the same sex as a matter depending on the choice of the individual, and a matter in which law-makers have a right to interfere. From my studies I have found the most earnest incentives to construct, on the basis of the Darwinian theory, after Carneri’s method, a system of morals, which, to be sure, does not harmonize with the prevailing system, but which seeks to elevate and improve mankind in accordance with natural law.

“I think that there are not many marks of hereditary taint in me. There is a certain hyper-sensitiveness. A very intense dream-life is perhaps important. In general, it is occupied with indifferent matters, and never has so-called sensual images as a subject; at most, in this direction, it is concerned only with female attire and putting it on, which for me is a lustful thought. At the same time, until my sixteenth year, it often went to the extent of somnambulism, or, very frequently, as is still often the case, to loud talking in sleep.

“3. My inclinations: The above-mentioned abnormal proclivity is the fundamental factor in my sexual feeling. When I am dressed like a woman, I feel perfectly satisfied. A peculiar feeling of peace and comfort comes over me, which allows me to work mentally with greater ease. My libido for indulgence in sexual intercourse is extremely slight. Too, I have much love and taste for female handiwork, and, without assistance, I learned to crochet and embroider, and I like to do these things in secret. I also like other female employments, like sewing, etc.; so that at home, where I keep my proclivity perfectly concealed, and guard against indulging it by involuntary activity, I have often won the praise of being as good as a servant-girl; which did not make me ashamed, but, on the contrary, filled me with secret pride. I can make nothing out of dancing with women; I liked to dance only with my school-fellows, for which the manner of our instruction in dancing gave opportunity. But in this it gave me pleasure only when I could dance as a lady. A multitude of other desires and dreams, which seem to have something typical about them, I pass over, because they seem exactly similar to those described in ‘Psychopathia Sexualis.’ .... In other respects my inclinations are not different from those of my sex. I smoke and drink moderately, love delicacies, and have no pleasure in physical exercises.

“4. Development: After this brief description of my personality, I may pass on to an analysis of the developmental history of my abnormality. As soon as I was able, to some extent, to think independently, and I understood the difference between the sexes, it was my secret and fixed desire to be a girl. In fact, I believed I was one. But when in the bath I saw the same genitals on other boys, the impossibility of my thought became apparent. I reduced my wish, and hoped that I was at least an hermaphrodite. And, owing to the fact that I had a certain shyness about looking closely at pictures or descriptions of the genitals, this hope was entertained, notwithstanding the fact that I had abundant opportunity to read writings on the subject, until my studies compelled me to make a closer acquaintance with the matter. During this time I read everything I could get about hermaphroditism, and longed to be in the place of the female who, as the newspapers often reported, had been raised as a male and been restored to her sex by accident. The recognition of my masculinity made an end of this dreaming, and did not fill me with any especial delight. I tried to destroy my sexual glands by gradual pressure, but pain soon caused me to desist. My longing is still for the external characteristics of the female sex,—for a pretty coiffure, a rounded breast, a slim waist.

“At the age of twelve I first had an opportunity to put on female attire; and I soon came to drape myself, by means of bed-clothes, bed-linen, etc., with female petticoats. When I grew older, it was my greatest delight to put on my sister’s dresses secretly, even if it could be but for a few moments, and with constant danger of detection. Later, much to my delight, I had an opportunity to play a female rôle in a love-scene; and it is said that I was not at all bad in the part. When I began to lead an independent life as a student, I immediately obtained female dresses and linen, which I kept in order myself. When at night, safe from discovery, I can put on one article after another, from corset to apron and bracelet, I am perfectly satisfied, and devote myself to some quiet employment, inwardly happy and full of delight in doing it. While dressing, an erection usually occurs, but it is never followed by an ejaculation, and soon disappears. I also try to approximate the female appearance in externals, by arranging my hair appropriately and removing the beard, which I should have preferred to tear out.

“5. Sexual inclinations: In passing to the description of my sexual proclivities, I desire, first, to note, in general, that puberty occurred normally, as I judge from the pollutions that occurred, the change of voice, etc. Pollutions still occur regularly once every three weeks, seldom more frequently. With them I never experience any lustful feeling. I have never practiced onanism; until lately I knew nothing more of it than its name, and I had to seek direct information about it, in order to understand it. Any touch on the erect penis is disturbing and painful to me, and without lustful feeling.

“Previously I behaved very shyly toward women, but I now act quietly, and associate with them as with my kind. Direct excitation, in a sexual sense, by a woman, sometimes occurred; but when I try to analyze this, it seems to me that it was never her person, but rather her attire alone, that was effectual. I fell in love with her dress, and the thought of wearing one like it was heavenly. Thus sexual excitation never took place, not even in brothels where I was led by friends, in spite of the sight of the greatest voluptuousness and beauty. But friendly feelings for the female sex were in my heart. I imagined how, dressed as a woman and unrecognized, I could stay with them, associate with them, and take pleasure with them. I prefer the impression made on me by girls whose breasts have not yet fully developed, particularly those wearing the hair short; for such girls are more nearly like me and my aspect. Once I was so fortunate as to find a girl who felt unhappy in her sex. We formed a firm bond of friendship with one another, and we often took delight in the idea of exchanging places. Perhaps it is not inappropriate or unimportant for the characterization, to record the following: Some months ago, when the story was running through the newspapers of an Hungarian countess who, dressed as a man, had married, and felt like a man, in all earnestness, I thought of offering myself to her, in order to contract an inverted marriage,—she as husband, I as wife.... I have never attempted coitus, and have never felt any desire for it. But since I foresaw that the erection necessary with a woman would be wanting, I thought of putting on some of her clothing; and I think that then the expected result would occur.

“As for my behavior toward male persons, first of all, it is to be emphasized that I had the warmest friendships during my school-days. My heart was full of happiness, if I could do some small service for the object of my devotion. I really worshiped him passionately. But, on the slightest occasion, I evinced terrible jealousy; and while my anger lasted I felt as if I could neither live nor die. When reconciliation occurred, for a short time I was the happiest of creatures. I also tried to make friends of boys, whom I bribed with sweetmeats, and whom I should gladly have kissed. Though my love always remained platonic, yet it is abnormal. An expression that I unconsciously made at that time about an elder friend, whom I worshiped, shows that. I said I loved him so that I should have liked to marry him. And even now, when I indulge but little in intercourse, I am easily taken with a handsome man with a fine beard and refined features. Yet I have never met a being feeling like myself, whom I could confide in, and with whom I could live as a female friend. I never attempted to exercise my inclinations directly, and never committed any foolish act of this kind. Finally I ceased to visit museums where nude male figures were displayed; for the erections, which were sure to occur, were exceedingly annoying. I had often secretly wished to sleep with a man, and often found opportunity. I was asked by a rather unattractive elderly man to sleep with him. Cum eo concubui, ille genitalia mea tetigit; and though his person was unattractive to me, I was filled with an intense feeling of lust. I felt as if completely surrendered to him; in a word, I felt like a woman.

“If I may be permitted to add a concluding word to what I have already said, I wish to state expressely that, though I am conscious of the abnormality of my inclinations, I have no desire to change them; I long only for a time when, more easily and with less danger of discovery, I can give rein to my desires and experience a delight that will harm no one.”

Case 120. Miss Z., aged 31, artist, comes for consultation on account of neurasthenic symptoms. She is remarkable for coarse, masculine features, a deep voice, short hair, a masculine style of dress, masculine gait, and self-consciousness. In other respects she is feminine, with well-developed mammæ and a female pelvis, and without any indication of beard.

Examination with reference to contrary sexual instinct gives a positive result:—

The patient states that even when a little girl she preferred to play with boys, and particularly “soldier,” “merchant,” and “robber.” She was very wild and unrestrained in these games with boys, but never had any proclivity for dolls or female employment, of which she learned only the most ordinary things (knitting, sewing).

In school she made good progress, being especially interested in mathematics and chemistry. She early had a desire for sculpture, and showed talent for it. Her greatest ambition was to become a real artist. In her dreams of the future, she never thought of marriage. As an artist, she was interested in handsome men, but she was really attracted only by female forms; she saw male forms only “in the distance.” She could never endure “trumpery”; “manly dress” was all that pleased her. The ordinary society of girls was repugnant to her, because their talk about toilettes, ornaments, and love-affairs with men, seemed stale and tiresome to her. On the other hand, since her childhood she had had enthusiastic friendships with certain girls; at the age of ten she was in love with a girl companion, and wrote her name everywhere. Since then she had had numerous female friends, with whom she had indulged in passionate kissing. She pleased the girls, as a rule, because of her masculine bearing. She wrote poems to her female friends, and could have done anything out of love for them. To her it was very remarkable that she was embarrassed before girls, especially when they were friends. She could not undress before them. The more she loved a friend, the more modest she was before her.

At the present time she has such a relation. She kisses and embraces her Laura, walks by her window, and suffers all the pangs of jealousy, particularly when she sees her conversing with men. Her only wish is to live always with this female friend.

The patient states, however, that twice in her life men have made an impression on her. She thinks that if she had been really sought, there would have been a marriage; for she is very fond of family life and children. If a man wished to possess her, it would be necessary for him to win her; she herself would prefer to win a female friend. She thinks woman is more beautiful and ideal than man. In her infrequent erotic dreams, the subject had always been a female. She had never dreamed of men. She does not think that she could now love a man; for men are false, and she herself is nervous and anæmic.

She considers herself a woman in all respects, but regrets that she is not a man. Even at the age of four it had been her greatest pleasure to put on boys’ clothes. She certainly had a masculine character, and, too, had never wept. Her greatest passion was for riding, gymnastics, fencing, and driving. She suffered much because no one about her understood her. It seemed silly to her to talk about feminine things. Many of her acquaintances had thought that she should really have been a man.

The patient says that she was never sensual. In embracing female friends, she had often experienced a peculiar lustful feeling. Embracing and kissing had been her only manner of expressing her friendship.

The patient states that she comes of a nervous father, and an insane mother who, as a young girl, had been passionately in love with her own brother, and had tried to induce him to flee with her to America. The patient’s brother is a very eccentric, peculiar man.

The patient presents no external degenerative signs; head regular. She says the menses began at fourteen, and that they have been regular, but always painful.

Case 121. “In order to designate at once my unhappy diseased condition with its correct name, I will state at the beginning that it bears all the marks of what, in your work, ‘Psychopathia Sexualis,’ you have named effemination.

“I am now thirty-eight years old, and, thanks to my abnormality, I look back on a life that has been full of indescribable suffering; so that I am often astonished to think what capacity for suffering a man has. Of late consciousness of the suffering I have endured has become the source of a kind of self-respect, which, in itself, makes my life, in a measure, endurable.

“But I shall now endeavor to describe my condition with all truth. I am physically healthy, and, as far as I can remember, have never had any severe illness. I come of a healthy family. But my parents are both of a very excitable nature, my father being of the so-called choleric, and my mother of the sanguine, temperament; she has a strong tendency to mild melancholia. She is a lively woman, loved for her good-heartedness and active benevolence; but she is still very dependent and deficient in self-confidence. All these peculiarities were marked in her father. I mention this fact, because I am told that I resemble them both; and as far as the last two peculiarities are concerned, I can myself acknowledge the resemblance. But when I made attempts, by means of my inner strength and by thinking of my own power, to rend the bond that, with magic force, draws me to men, there was always a residuum left that I could not eradicate. As far as I can remember, I have always had this elementary longing for a male lover. To be sure, its first expressions were of a coarse, sensual nature. I do not know whether I was yet ten years old, when, while lying in bed in the day-time, I suddenly discovered how, by pressure on my genitals, I induced a new and intoxicating feeling, while fancying that a man of my acquaintance performed sensual manipulations on me. It was only many years afterward that I learned that this was onanism. At first I was so frightened and so depressed by the inexplicableness of my longing, that I then made my first attempt at suicide. If I had only put it into execution! For since then there has been such frequent violent agitation of mind and body that my heart has been bound as with a chain, and made cold. I may say at once that, up to the present time, onanism has not loosened me from its clutches; it has overcome all attempts and efforts to escape, and my desire to resist it is almost destroyed. Three or four times I have given it up for a month at a time, usually under the influence of mental excitement.

“When about thirteen, I had my first love. To-day it seems as if my greatest wish then was to kiss my school-fellow’s fresh, rosy lips. It was a passion full of romantic dreams. At the age of fifteen or sixteen it became more violent, when I first experienced the insane pangs of a jealousy which is more terrible than that of natural love can be. This second period of my life lasted for years, though I spent but a few days with the object of my passion; and then we did not see each other for fifteen years. Gradually my feeling cooled, and I then fell passionately in love several times with other men, who, with the exception of one, were about my own age.

“My love—if you will kindly allow this expression for a feeling condemned by the majority of mankind—has never been returned; I have never had intercourse with a man in any way that would not bear the light of day; never has any one shown even extraordinary interest in me, though one of my friends discovered my secret longing; and yet I have had a burning desire for masculine love. In this longing my feelings seem to me to be entirely those of a loving woman; and I notice, with horror, that my sensual ideas grow more and more like those of a woman. During the periods when I am free from any particular love, my longing degenerates so that, in my onanistic manipulations, I conjure up only coarse, sensual ideas. But I am still finally able to overcome these. My efforts to repress the love, however, are absolutely vain. At the present time I am again suffering with such an exaggerated state of feeling that has existed for months; and I have pondered so much over its peculiarities that I think I can describe my feelings truthfully. In this way I have made the peculiar observation that I have never loved a bearded man. From this it might easily be presumed that I am given to so-called boy-love; but that is not the case. For, to the sensual charm, on closer association, a mental interest is added. With this begins the mental pain. I am seized with such a passionate longing that I am willing to sacrifice myself, in a way. I excite confidence in myself; and from this mutual feeling a heart-felt friendship might be engendered, if deep down in my soul were not sleeping the demon which impels me to the closest of relationships, which is allowed only between human beings of opposite sex. My whole being, every fibre of my body, longs for it, and I am consumed by a hot, glowing passion. I wonder that here I can again describe in unfeeling words the feelings that coursed through my whole being. Of course, by the struggle of years, I have been forced to learn to conceal my inclination, and smile when torn by pain. For, in never having my love returned, I have learned to know all the sufferings of love. Jealousy—insane, blinding jealousy—of any and every body who casts but a friendly glance at the object of my secret love!

“I have emphasized the mental element, in order to show how deeply rooted my abnormal impulse is. I have never felt the slightest touch of sensual love for the opposite sex. The idea of being forced to associate sensually with women is repugnant to me. At times I have suffered enough on being assured of the love of young girls. Like every young man, I have had abundant opportunity to enjoy the modern social pleasures, dancing among them. I like to dance; but if I could dance with men, as a girl, I should be really happy.

“I wish once more to remark that my love is entirely sensual. How could I otherwise explain the fact that the pressure of my lover’s hand, often merely his glance, causes palpitation and erection! I have done everything to eradicate this love from my—let us say ‘heart.’ I have tried to still it by means of onanism; to drag it in the mire, in order to raise myself above it. (About ten years ago, during such a time of love, I avoided onanism, and felt that my feeling of love elevated me.) I still entertain the delusion that if the object of my love were to tell me he loved me, that he loved me, and only me, I should willingly give up sensual gratification to repose in faithful arms. But that is certainly a self-deception.

“Honored sir, I have a responsible occupation, and I think I can give the assurance that my abnormal inclination has never, even in a hair’s breadth, caused me to deviate from the duty imposed on me. Aside from this abnormality, I am not insane, and I might ultimately become contented; but I have, particularly of late years, suffered too much not to look on the future with painful feeling. For the future will certainly not bring fulfillment of the desire which constantly glows under the ashes,—the desire to possess a lover who understands and returns my love. Such a relation would make me truly happy. I have thought much about the origin of my abnormality, particularly because I think I am forced to assume that it was not inherited. I believe that onanism has changed the inborn feeling into a burning passion. I might long ago have put an end to my misery, since I have no fear of death, and since in religion—which, strange to say, has not departed from my impure heart—I find no warning against suicide. But the consciousness that I am not alone responsible, and that a worm has nipped my whole life in the bud,—a certain comfort that has sprung up of late out of indescribable suffering,—leads me to see whether comparative happiness in life cannot be obtained on an entirely new basis: something which fills the whole heart. I think I could be happy under the influence of quiet family life. But I dare not conceal from you the fact that the thought of married life with a wife is terrible to me, and that I make the attempt of a change of life with a bleeding heart; for thus I absolutely abandon the hope that is always awake; namely, the delusion that fate may yet bring me the desired happiness.

“This delusion is so deeply rooted in me that I think nothing but hypnotic suggestion could help me. If you could advise me, you would make me unspeakably happy. Of course, your strictest injunction would be to abandon onanism. How gladly I would follow it! But if I were not to have direct physical, some mechanical, means at hand to help me, I should certainly be unable to free myself from this vice; and this the more, because I fear that, by long years of habit, my nature has become accustomed to it. Of course, I have not escaped the effects of it, even though they are not so terrible as they are often pictured. I suffer with mild nervousness, am, indeed, weakened, and have periodical disturbance of digestion; but I can still endure hard work, and take a certain pleasure in it, when it is not too great. I am depressed, but I can be happy, and, fortunately, I take pleasure in my calling, and am interested in various things, particularly music, art, and belles-lettres. I have never indulged in female pursuits.

“As may be seen from the foregoing, I like to associate with men, especially with those who are handsome; but I have never had intimate relations with them. A wide gulf separates me from them!

“Postscript: I feared that in the foregoing I had not described my sexual life with sufficient exactness. It consists only in onanism; but in it I abandon myself to almost all the repugnant acts that are comprehended under coitus inter femora, ejaculatio in ore, etc.

“My rôle is passive. When I am seized by a passion, the ideas change, and become entirely a desire to be impregnated. The struggle against such a passion is so terrible, because my mind is also implicated. I long for the closest, the most complete union that can be conceived as existing between two men,—always together, common interests, unlimited confidence, sexual union. I think that natural love is different from this only in its degree of warmth; it does not reach the boiling-point of our passion. Just now I am fighting the battle over again; with force I stifle the insane passion that has so long enthralled me. All night long I walk about, followed by the image of him I love; for love of whom I would give up all I possess. How sad it is that the noblest feeling given to man—friendship—is sullied by common sensual feeling!

“I wish once more to state that I cannot come to the determination to transform my sexual life by means of sexual intercourse with the opposite sex. The thought of such intercourse fills me with repugnance and disgust.”

Case 122. “I write, as well as I can, the history of my suffering, actuated only by the desire, by this autobiography, to clear up to some extent the misunderstanding and errors concerning ‘contrary sexual instinct’ which are still so widely prevalent.

“I am thirty-seven years old, and come of healthy parents, both of whom were very nervous. I only mention this, because I have often had the thought that my contrary sexual instinct came by way of inheritance; but this is nothing more than vague. Of my grandparents, whom I did not know, the only remarkable thing I can mention is, that my maternal grandfather was known as a great Don Juan.

“I was rather a weak child, and during my first two years suffered severely with fits, as a result of which my understanding and memory may have suffered; for I learn but slowly things which do not particularly interest me, and easily forget them. I may also mention that, during the time before I was born, my mother was subject to violent mental excitement, and was often frightened. From my third year I have been perfectly well, and have escaped severe illness. Only when a boy, from the age of twelve to sixteen, I had peculiar, indescribable nervous sensations, which made themselves felt in my head and finger-tips, and in which it seemed to me as if my whole being were about to cease. For many years, however, these attacks have ceased to occur. I am rather a powerful man, with abundant growth of hair, and in all respects masculine.

“Even when a boy of six years, I came independently to masturbate, and, until my nineteenth year, I practiced the vice quite persistently; and even now, faute de mieux, I quite frequently resort to it, notwithstanding the fact that I understand the vileness of the passion, and always feel somewhat weakened after it. But sexual intercourse with a man does not affect me in the least; on the contrary, it gives me a feeling of being strengthened. I began school at the age of seven, and soon experienced an intense feeling of sympathy for my companions, which, however, made no other impression on me. In the Gymnasium, at the age of fourteen, my companions explained to me the sexual life of man, which, up to that time, was absolutely unknown to me; but I was not much interested in the matter. At this time I also practiced mutual onanism with two or three friends who had seduced me into it; and it had an extraordinary charm for me. I was still perfectly unconscious of the perversity of my sexual instinct, and considered my vices as sins of youth, like those committed by all boys of the same age. Interest in the female sex I thought would come in time. Thus I became nineteen years old. During the following years I fell insanely in love three times,—once with a very handsome actor, then with a bank employé, and with one of my friends, the last two being men who were nothing less than beautiful, and calculated to excite sensual feeling. But this love was merely platonic, and occasionally found expression in glowing poetry. It was, perhaps, the most perfect period of my life; for I regarded everything with pure, innocent eyes. In my twenty-first year

I gradually began to notice that I was not constituted exactly like my comrades; for I found no pleasure in masculine pursuits. I had but little liking for smoking, drinking, and card-playing, and I was frightened to death by a brothel. I have never been in one; I was always able to avoid visiting one on some pretext or other. But I now began to think about myself; I often felt terribly lonesome, miserable, and unhappy, and longed for a friend constituted like myself, without, however, ever thinking that there could be other men like me. At twenty-two I made the acquaintance of a young man who finally explained to me contrary sexual instinct and the individuals affected with it. He, being also an urning, was in love with me. It was as if scales had fallen from my eyes; and I bless the day this explanation came to me. From that time I saw the world with different eyes; I saw that many others were given the same fate; and I began to learn to content myself with this lot as well as I could. Unfortunately, I did not succeed very well, and I am still often seized with bitterness and a deep hatred of the modern ideas which treat us poor urnings with such terrible harshness. For what is our fate? In most cases we are not understood, and are derided and despised; and even when all goes well, and we are understood, we are still pitied like invalids or the insane,—and pity was always sickening to me. I now began to play a part, in order to deceive my fellow-men as to my state of mind; and it always gave me great satisfaction to succeed in this. I made the acquaintance of several men like myself, with whom I established relations, which, however, never lasted long; for I was very fearful and cautious; but, at the same time, I was very particular and easily wearied.

“I have always absolutely despised pederasty as something unworthy a man, and I only wish that all those like me would do the same; but, unfortunately, with many this is not the case. If all like me thought as I do, then the contempt and scoffing of men that feel differently would be a still greater injustice to us than it now is.

“Toward the man I love I feel completely like a woman, and, therefore, in the sexual act I am quite passive. In general, my whole sensibility and feeling are feminine. I am vain, coquettish, fond of ornament, and like to please others. I love to dress myself beautifully, and, in cases where I wish to please, I even make use of the arts of the toilet, in which I am quite skilled.

“While I have but little interest in politics, I am passionately fond of music and an inspired follower of Richard Wagner. I have noticed this preference in the majority of us; I find that this music is perfectly in accord with our nature.

“I play the violin quite well; I like reading, and read much, but I have little interest in anything else. Everything else in life is quite indifferent to me, owing to the deep resignation that more and more takes possession of me.

“Even though I should have reason to be satisfied with my fate, in that I have an assured position in a technical employment in a large city of Germany, still I take no pleasure in my calling. I should be best suited if, independent and free, I could travel about with a handsome lover, and live for music and literature, particularly for the theatre, which seems to me to be one of the greatest pleasures. A connection with a court theatre I think of as being very acceptable.

“The only position or calling that seems really desirable to me is that of a great artist,—singer, actor, painter, or sculptor; and it seems to me that it would be even finer to be born to the throne of a king,—a wish that is in harmony with my pronounced desire for power. (If there is really such a thing as transmigration of souls, a subject I have studied much, and which seems to me to clear up much, I must have lived at one time as an emperor, or ruler of some kind.) But a man must be born to all this; and since I am not, I am without ambition for so-called social honors and distinctions.

“As to my tastes, I must mention a painful dissension there is in them. Handsome, intellectual young men of at least twenty years, who must be of my own social station, seem to me to be suited rather for platonic love; but with them I satisfy myself completely with a straightforward, though ideal, friendship, which seldom goes beyond a few kisses. But I can be excited sensually only by coarse, powerful men that are at least of my own age, and mentally and socially beneath me. The reason for this strange phenomenon may be that my pronounced feeling of shame and my innate apprehensiveness, with my cautious disposition, have the effect of an inhibitory idea with men of my own social position; so that with them it is with difficulty and seldom that I can induce sexual excitement in myself. That this diversity is painful to me is owing to the fact that I am always afraid to discover myself to these simple men, below me in station, who may often be bought with money. But I cannot imagine anything worse than a scandal, which would at once drive me to suicide. For I can think of nothing more terrible than, through some slight act of carelessness or the enmity of any man, suddenly to be branded before the world, and to be powerless to avert it. But what is it that we do that is so different from what normally constituted men can do, at least, quite as frequently without embarrassment, and without shame? That we do not feel as the crowd feels is not our fault, but a cruel trick of Nature.

“Innumerable times I have puzzled my brain to know whether science, or any of her free and unprejudiced devotees, could think of any way in which to give us step-children of Nature a more endurable position before the law and mankind. But I have always reached the same sad conclusion, that when one enters the lists in behalf of anything, he must first know thoroughly, and be able to explain, that for which he contends. And who is to-day able to perfectly explain and define contrary sexual instinct? Yet there must be some correct explanation of it; there must be some way in which the mass of mankind can be brought to a milder and more reasonable judgment of it; and, first of all, there must be some way to show that contrary sexual instinct should not be regarded as meaning the same as pederasty, as the majority of men—I may say all—regard it. By such an act a man might erect for himself an immortal monument in the gratitude of thousands of men of present and future generations; for there have been, are, and will ever be, urnings, and in greater number than perhaps has been suspected.