I. 1.I AM not fond of saying the same thing over and over: especially when I have so many things to say, that the day of life (which with me is far spent) is not likely to suffice for them. But in some cases, it is needful for you that I should: and then, it is not grievous to me. And it may be best, to speak freely and fully at once, that there may be the less need of speaking on this head hereafter.
2. When we look into the bible with any attention, and then look round into the world, to see who believes and who lives according to this book: we may easily discern, that the system of practice, as well as the system of truth there delivered, is torn in pieces, and scattered abroad, like the members of Absyrtus. Every denomination of Christians retains some part either of Christian truth or practice: these hold fast one part, and those another, as their fathers did before them. What is the duty mean-time of those who desire to follow the whole word of God? Undoubtedly to gather up all these fragments, that if possible nothing be lost: with all diligence to follow all those we see about us, so far as they follow the bible: and to join together in one scheme of truth and practice what almost all the world put asunder.
3. Many years ago I observed several parts of Christian Practice, among the people call’d Quakers. Two things I particularly remarked among them, Plainness of speech and plainness of dress. I willingly adopted both, with some restrictions, and particularly plainness of dress. The same I recommended to you, when God first called you out of the world: and after the addition of more than thirty years experience, I recommend it to you still.
4. But before I go any farther, I must intreat you, in the name of God, Be open to conviction. Whatever prejudices you have contracted from education, custom or example, divest yourselves of them, as far as possible. Be willing to receive light either from God or man: do not shut your eyes against it. Rather be glad to see more than you did before; to have the eyes of your understanding opened. Receive the truth in the love thereof, and you will have reason to bless God for ever.
II. 1. Not that I would advise you, to imitate the people called Quakers, in those little particularities of dress, which can answer no possible end, but to distinguish them from all other people. To be singular, merely for singularity’s sake, is not the part of a Christian. I do not therefore advise you, to wear a hat of such dimensions, or a coat of a particular form. Rather, in things that are absolutely indifferent, that are of no consequence at all, humility and courtesy require you to conform to the customs of your country.
2. But I advise you to imitate them, first, in the Neatness of their apparel. This is highly to be commended, and quite suitable to your Christian calling. Let all your apparel therefore be as clean as your situation in life will allow. It is certain, the poor can’t be so clean as they would, as having little change of raiment. But let even these be as clean as they can, as care and diligence can keep them. Indeed they have particular need so to be; because cleanliness is one great branch of frugality. It is likewise more conducive to health, than is generally considered. Let the poor then especially labour to be clean, and provoke those of higher rank to jealousy.
3. I advise you to imitate them secondly, in the Plainness of their apparel. In this are implied two things; 1. That your apparel be cheap, not expensive; far cheaper than others in your circumstances wear, or than you would wear, if you knew not God: 2. That it be grave, not gay, airy, or showy; not in the point of the fashion. And these easy rules may be applied both to the materials whereof it is made, and the manner wherein it is made or put on.
4. Would you have a farther rule, with respect to both? Then take one which you may always carry in your bosom. “Do every thing herein with a single eye:” and this will direct you in every circumstance. Let a single intention to please God prescribe, both what cloathing you shall buy, and the manner wherein it shall be made, and how you shall put on and wear it. To express the same thing in other words: Let all you do in this respect, be so done, that you may offer it to God, a sacrifice acceptable thro’ Christ Jesus. So that, consequently, it may increase your reward, and brighten your crown in heaven. And so it will do, if it be agreeable to Christian humility, seriousness and charity.
5. Shall I be more particular still? Then I exhort all those who desire me to watch over their souls, Wear no gold, (whatever officers of state may do; or magistrates, as the ensign of their office) no pearls or precious stones: use no curling of hair, or costly apparel, how grave soever. I advise those who are able to receive this saying, Buy no velvets, no silks, no fine linen: no superfluities, no mere ornaments, tho’ ever so much in fashion. Wear nothing, tho’ you have it already, which is of a glaring colour, or which is in any kind gay, glittering, showy; nothing made in the very height of the fashion, nothing apt to attract the eyes of the by-standers. I do not advise women to wear rings, ear-rings, necklaces, Lace, (of whatever kind or colour) or ruffles, which by little and little may easily shoot out from one to twelve inches deep. Neither do I advise men, to wear coloured waistcoats, shining stockings, glittering or costly buckles or buttons, either on their coats or in their sleeves, any more than gay, fashionable or expensive perukes. It is true, these are little, very little things: therefore they are not worth defending: therefore give them up, let them drop, throw them away, without another word. Else a little needle may cause much pain in your flesh, a little self-indulgence much hurt to your soul.
III. 1st. 1. For the preceding exhortation, I have the authority of God, in clear and express terms. ¹I will that women (and by parity of reason, men too) adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shame-facedness and sobriety, not with broidered (curled) hair, or gold, or pearls, (one kind of precious stones, which was then most in use, put for all) or costly apparel, but (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. Again, ²Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning, of plating (curling) the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. But let it be—the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. Nothing can be more express, The wearing of gold, of precious stones, and of costly apparel, together with curling of hair, is here forbidden by name: nor is there any restriction made either here or in any other scripture. Whoever therefore says, “There is no harm in these things,” may as well say, There is no harm in stealing or adultery.
2. There is something ♦peculiarly observable in the manner wherein both St. Peter and St. Paul speak of these things. Let not your adorning (says St. Peter) be that outward adorning; but let it be the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit. The latter clause is not added barely to fill up the sentence, but with strong and weighty reason. For there is a direct contrariety (as little as we may suspect it) between that outward and this inward adorning. And that, both with regard to their source, and with regard to their tendency. As to their source, all that adorning springs from nature; a meek and quiet spirit from grace: the former, from conforming to our own will and the will of man, the latter from conformity to the will of God. And as to their tendency; nothing more directly tends to destroy meekness and quietness of spirit, than all that outward adorning, whereby we seek to commend ourselves, to men and not to God. For this cherishes all those passions and tempers, which overthrow the quiet of every soul wherein they dwell.
♦ ‘peculiary’ replaced with ‘peculiarly’
3. Let them adorn themselves, saith St. Paul, not with curling of hair, or with gold, pearls, or costly apparel, but (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. The latter clause is here likewise added, for plain and weighty reasons. For 1. That kind of adorning cannot spring from godliness, from either the love or fear of God, from a desire of conforming to his will, or from the mind which was in Christ Jesus. 2. It no way tends to increase godliness; it is not conducive to any holy temper. But 3. It manifestly tends to destroy several of the tempers most essential to godliness. It has no friendly influence on humility; whether we aim at pleasing others or ourselves hereby. Either in one case or the other, it will rather increase pride or vanity than lowliness of heart. It does not at all minister to the seriousness which becomes a sinner born to die. It is utterly inconsistent with simplicity; no one uses it, merely to please God. Whoever acts with a single eye, does all things, to be seen and approved of God; and can no more dress, than he can pray, or give alms, to be seen of men.
♦4. “O! but one may be as humble in velvet and embroidery, as another is in sackcloth.” True: for a person may wear sackcloth, and have no humility at all. The heart may be filled with pride and vanity, whatever the raiment be. Again; women under the yoke of unbelieving parents or husbands, as well as men in office, may on several occasions be constrained, to put on gold or costly apparel. And in cases of this kind, plain experience shews, that the baleful influence of it is suspended. So that wherever it is not our choice but our cross, it may consist with godliness, with a meek and quiet spirit, with lowliness of heart, with Christian seriousness. But it is not true, that any one can chuse this, from a single eye to please God; or consequently, without sustaining great loss, as to lowliness and every other Christian temper.
♦ Points ‘7 & 8’ replaced with ‘4 & 5’
♦5. But however this be, can you be adorned at the same time with costly apparel, and with good works? That is, in the same degree as you might have been, had you bestowed less cost on your apparel? You know this is impossible: the more you expend on the one, the less you have to expend on the other. Costliness of apparel, in every branch, is therefore immediately, directly, inevitably destructive of good works. You see a brother, for whom Christ died, ready to perish for want of needful cloathing. You would give it him gladly: but alas! It is corban, whereby he might have been profited. It is given already: not indeed for the service of God; not to the treasury of the temple: but either to please the folly of others, or to feed vanity, or the lust of the eye in yourself. Now (even suppose these were harmless tempers, yet) what an unspeakable loss is this, if it be really true, that every man shall receive his own reward, according to his own labour! If there is indeed a reward in heaven, for every work of faith, for every degree of the labour of love!
2dly. 1. As to the advice subjoined, it is easy to observe, that all those smaller things are, in their degree, liable to the same objections as the greater. If they are gay, showy, pleasing to the eye, the putting them on does not spring from a single view to please God. It neither flows from, nor tends to advance a meek and quiet spirit. It does not arise from, nor any way promote, real, vital godliness.
2. And if they are in any wise costly, if they are purchased with any unnecessary expence, they cannot but in proportion to that expence, be destructive of good works. Of consequence they are destructive of that charity, which is fed thereby: hardening our heart against the cry of the poor and needy, by inuring us to shut up our bowels of compassion toward them.
3. At least, all unnecessary expences of this kind, whether small or great, are senseless and foolish. This we may defy any man living to get over, if he allows there is another world. For there is no reward in heaven for laying out your money in ornaments or costly apparel: whereas you may have an eternal reward, for whatever you expend on earth.
4. Consider this more closely. Here are two ways proposed of laying out such a sum of money. I may lay it out in expensive apparel for myself, or in necessary clothing for my neighbour. The former will please my own eye, or that of others: the latter will please God. Now suppose there were no more harm in one than in the other, in that which pleases man, than in that which pleases God: is there as much good in it? If they are equally innocent, are they equally wise? By the one, I gratify the desire of the eye, and gain a pleasure that perishes in the using: by the other, I gain a larger share of those pleasures that are at God’s right hand for evermore. By the former I obtain the applause of man; by the latter, the praise of God. In this way, I meet with the admiration of fools: in that, I hear from the Judge of All, Well done, good and faithful servant! Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord.
5. Brethren, whatever ye are accounted by men, I would not have you fools in God’s account. Walk ye circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise; not in those ways which God may possibly forgive; (to put things in the most favourable light) but in those which he will certainly reward. In wickedness be ye children still; but in understanding be ye men. I want to see a visible body of people, who are a standing example of this wisdom; a pattern of doing all things, great and small, with an eye to God and eternity.
IV. 1. But we may be assured, the wisdom of the world will find out abundance of objections to this. Accordingly it is objected, first, “If God has given us plentiful fortunes, if we are placed in the higher ranks of life, we must act suitably to our fortune. We ought then to dress according to our rank, that is, in gold and costly apparel.” Not to insist, that none of you are of this rank, I answer, Where is this written? Our Saviour once occasionally said, Behold, they who wear gorgeous (splendid) apparel, are in king’s courts: but he does not say, they ought to be even there: he neither enjoins, nor countenances it. And where is this either enjoined or allowed, by him or any of his apostles? Bring me plain, scriptural proof for your assertion, or I cannot allow it.
2. “But did not God give express command by Moses, that some even among his chosen people should be adorned in the most exquisite manner, with gold and precious stones and costly array?” Indeed he did: he expressly commanded this, with regard to Aaron, and his successors in the high-priesthood. But to this I answer, first, this direction which God gave, with regard to the Jewish high-priest, can certainly affect no person in England, unless the Archbishop of Canterbury. And I apprehend, he does not plead the precedent. Secondly, The Jews and we are under different dispensations. The glory of the whole Mosaic dispensation, was chiefly visible and external: whereas the glory of the Christian dispensation, is of an invisible and spiritual nature.
3. “But what then are gold and precious stones for? Why have they a place in the creation?” What if I say, I cannot tell? There are abundance of things in the creation, which I do not know the use of. What are crocodiles, lions, tigers, scorpions for? Why have so many poisons a place in the creation? Some of them are for medicine: but whatever they are for, in whatever manner they may be useful, they are certainly not to be used in such a manner as God has expressly forbidden.
4. “But if they were not thus adorned, Kings and Generals would be despised by their subjects and soldiers.” Supposing they would, that is nothing to you; for you are neither Kings nor Generals. But it is absolutely certain, they would not, if they were not despised on other accounts. If they are valiant and wise, they will never be despised, for the plainness of their dress. Was ever General or King more esteemed or beloved by his subjects and soldiers than King Charles of Sweden? And ’tis sure, he wore no gold or costly apparel, not so much as a common officer. But we need not go so many years back. Who is the Prince that is now honoured and beloved both by his subjects and soldiers, far beyond any other King or General in Europe? There is no need to repeat his name. But does he gain this honour and love, by the costliness of his apparel? So far from it, that he rarely uses any other dress, than the uniform of his own guards.
5. “But if all men were to dress like him, how would tradesmen live?” I answer, 1. God certainly considered this, or ever he gave these commands. And he would never have given them, had he not seen, that if they were universally observed, men in general would live better than they otherwise could: better in this world, as well as that to come. But, 2. There is no danger at all, that they should be universally observed. Only a little flock in any civilized nation will observe them, till the knowledge of God covers the earth. 3. If those who do observe them, employ the money they thus save, in the most excellent manner, then a part of what before only served to fat a few rich tradesmen for hell, will suffice to feed and clothe and employ many poor, that seek the kingdom of heaven. 4. And how will those tradesmen themselves live? They will live like men, by honest labour, most of whom before lived like swine, wallowing in all gluttony and sensuality. But, 5. This is all mere trifling. It is only a copy of your countenance. For it is not this, it is not a regard to trade, or the good of the nation, that makes you disobey God. No: it is pride, vanity, or some other sinful temper, which is the real cause of these sinful actions.
6. “But we cannot carry on our own trade, without dressing like other people.” If you mean only, conforming to those customs of your country, that are neither gay, nor costly, why should you not “dress like other people?” I really think you should. Let an Englishman dress like other Englishmen; not like a Turk or a Tartar. Let an English woman dress like other English women; not like a French woman or a German. But if you mean “conformity to them in what God has forbidden,” the answer is ready at hand. If you can’t carry on your trade without breaking God’s command, you must not carry it on. But I doubt the fact: I know no trade which may not be carried on by one who uses plain and modest apparel. I fear, therefore, this too is but a copy of your countenance: you love these things, and therefore think them necessary. Your heart carries away your judgment: if you were not fond of them, you would never dream of their necessity.
7. In one single case these things may be necessary, that is, unavoidable, namely, that of women who are under the yoke of self-willed, unreasonable husbands or parents. Such may be constrained to do in some degree, what otherwise they would not. And they are blameless herein, if 1. They use all possible means, arguments, intreaties, to be excused from it; and when they cannot prevail, 2. Do it just so far as they are constrained, and no farther.
V. 1. And now, brethren, what remains, but that I beseech you who are not under the yoke, who are, under God, the directors of your own actions, to set prejudice, obstinacy, fashion aside; and yield to scripture, to reason, to truth. Suppose, as some affirm, you acted on no higher motive than to please me herein, I know not that you would have need to be ashamed; even this you might avow in the face of the sun. You owe something to me: perhaps it is not my fault, if ye owe not your own souls also. If then you did an indifferent thing, only on this principle, not to give me any uneasiness, but to oblige, to comfort me in my labour, would you do much amiss? How much more may you be excused in doing what I advise, when truth, reason and scripture advise the same? When the thing in question is not an indifferent thing, but clearly determined by God himself?
2. Some years ago, when I first landed at Savannah in Georgia, a gentlewoman told me, “I assure you, Sir, you will see as well-dressed a congregation on Sunday, as most you have seen in London.” I did so: and soon after I took occasion to expound those scriptures which relate to dress, and to press them freely upon my audience, in a plain and close application. All the time that I afterward ministered at Savannah, I saw neither gold in the church, nor costly apparel. But the congregation in general was almost constantly cloathed in plain, clean linen or woollen.
3. And why should not my advice, grounded on scripture and reason, weigh with you as much as with them? I will tell you why. 1. You are surrounded with saints of the world, persons fashionably, reputably religious. And these are constant opposers of all, who would go farther in religion than themselves. These are continually warning you against running into extremes, and striving to beguile you from the simplicity of the gospel. 2. You have near you still more dangerous enemies than these, Antinomians, whether German or English; who when any Christian practise is enforced, come in with the cookoo’s note, “The law, the law;” and while they themselves glory in their shame, make you ashamed of what should be your glory. 3. You have suffered by false teachers of our own, who undermined the doctrine you had received: negatively, in publicly, by not insisting upon it, by not exhorting you to dress as persons professing godliness: (and, not to speak for a Christian duty, is in effect to speak against it:) and positively in private, either by jesting upon your exactness in observing the scripture-rule, or by insinuations, which if you did not mind them then, yet would afterward weaken your soul. 4. You have been, and are at this day in perils among false brethren: I mean, not only those of other congregations, who count strictness all one with bondage: but many of our own; in particular those, who were once clearly convinced of the truth: but they have sinned away that conviction themselves, and now endeavour to harden others against it: at least, by example; by returning again to the folly, from which they were once clean escaped. But what is the example of all mankind, when it runs counter to scripture and reason? I have warned you a thousand times, not to regard any example, which contradicts reason or scripture. If it ever should be (pray, that it may not be; but if it ever should) that I or my brother, my wife, or his, or all of us together, should set an example contrary to scripture and reason: I intreat you, regard it not at all: still let scripture and reason prevail.
4. *You who have passed the morning, perhaps the noon of life, who find the shadows of the evening approach, set a better example to those that are to come, to the now-rising generation. With you the day of life is far spent; the night of death is at hand. You have no time to lose: see that you redeem every moment that remains. Remove every thing out of the way, be it ever so small (tho’ indeed gay or costly apparel is not so) that might any ways obstruct your lowliness and meekness, your seriousness of spirit, your single intention to glorify God, in all your thoughts and words and actions. Let no needless expence hinder your being in the highest degree you ♦possibly can, rich in good works: ready to distribute, willing to communicate, till you are cloathed with glory and immortality.
♦ ‘possible’ replaced with ‘possibly’
*Our carcases will soon fall into the dust: then let the survivors adorn them with flowers. Mean time let us regard those ornaments only, that will accompany us into eternity.
5. *You that are in the morning of your days, either your form is agreeable, or it is not. If it is not, do not make your person remarkable: rather let it lie hid in common apparel. On every account, it is your wisdom, to recommend yourself to the eye of the mind: but especially to the eye of God, who reads the secrets of your hearts, and in whose sight the incorruptible ornaments alone are of great price. But if you would recommend yourself by dress, is any thing comparable to plain neatness? What kind of persons are those, to whom you could be recommended by gay or costly apparel? None that are any way likely to make you happy: this pleases only the silliest and worst of men. At most, it gratifies only the silliest and worst principle in those who are of a nobler character.
6. *To you whom God has intrusted with a more pleasing form, those ornaments are quite needless,
“The adorning thee with so much art
Is but a barbarous skill:
’Tis like the poisoning of a dart,
Too apt before to kill.”
That is, to express ourselves in plain English, without any figure of poetry, it only tends to drag them faster into death everlasting, who were going fast enough before, by additional provocations to lust, or at least, inordinate affection. Did you actually design to raise either of these, in those who looked upon you? What, while you and they were in the more immediate presence of God? What profaneness and inhumanity mixt together! But if you designed it not, did you not foresee it? You might have done so, without any extraordinary sagacity. “Nay, I did not care or think about it.” And do you say this by way of excuse? You scatter abroad arrows, firebrands and death; and do not care or think about it!
7. *O let us all walk more charitably and more wisely for the time to come! Let us all cast aside from this very hour, whatever does not become men and women professing godliness: whatever does not spring from the love and fear of God, and minister thereto. Let our seriousness shine before men, not our dress: let all who see us know that we are not of this world. Let our adorning be that which fadeth not away, even righteousness and true holiness. If ye regard not weakening my hands and grieving my spirit, yet grieve not the Holy Spirit of God. Do you ask, “But what shall I do with the gay or costly apparel, and with the ornaments I have already? Must I suffer them to be lost? Ought I not to wear them now I have them?” I answer, There is no loss like that of using them: wearing them is the greatest loss of all. But what then shalt thou do with them? Burn them rather than wear them; throw them into the depth of the sea. Or if thou canst with a clear conscience, sell them, and give the money to them that want. But buy no more at the peril of thy soul. Now be a faithful steward. After providing for those of thine own houshold things needful for life and godliness, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, relieve the sick, the prisoner, the stranger, with all that thou hast. Then shall God clothe thee with glory and honour, in the presence of men and angels: and thou shalt shine as the brightness of the firmament, yea, as the stars for ever and ever.
I AM persuaded, it is not possible for me to write any thing so full, so strong, and so clear on this subject, as has been written near an hundred and fifty years ago, by a person of equal sense and piety. I shall therefore only abridge what he has written on the head, with some few alterations and additions. I beseech you all, who are more immediately concerned, to read it with the calmest attention, and with earnest prayer, that what is here written, may be transcribed into your hearts and lives.
1.THIS duty is so manifest, that no person whatever can pretend ignorance of it. The law of God, the law of nature, and the laws of all well ordered societies enjoin it. The violation of this unties the marriage-knot, and dissolves the marriage-covenant. For our Lord himself, who utterly disallows of other divorces, yet allows divorce in case of adultery. “But may the person wronged admit the wrongdoer again, after the offence is known?” I answer, they may, provided the offender give full, satisfactory proof of amendment. We read not any command to the contrary. But if the offender persist in sin, then the innocent person, having full proof thereof, is bound to withdraw from the sinner.
2. Let any who find strong temptations to this sin, 1. Constantly and conscientiously perform private duties. The blessing of God hereon will make him conqueror, over what before seemed most unconquerable. 2. Be diligent in your calling, that you may have no leisure for inflaming imaginations. It is certain, an idle person, if occasion and constitution serve, will sooner or later prove adulterous. But diligence joined with hearty prayer, will preserve a man pure and undefiled. 3. Be exactly temperate. It is easy to put out the fiercest fire, by withdrawing the fewel. If therefore you would be chaste in your marriage, be sparing in your food. 4. Carefully shun every temptation and all opportunities of sin: especially, shun as a rock the company of any person apt to tempt, or to be tempted; and consider, that the coldest water will be hot, if it be set near the fire.
3. These directions are such as agree to all, married or unmarried. There remains another help peculiar to the former, the due use of marriage. The ordinances of God will answer their end, if our abuse of them do not hinder. Now God has ordained marriage for this end, among others, to prevent fornication. Wherefore let it be used in the manner it ought, and it will surely answer its end. And in this respect, the wife hath not power over her own body, but the husband. Neither hath the husband power over his own body, but the wife. It is not in the choice of either, whether to live with the other, or not. But they are bound in conscience so to do, and cannot refuse it without grievous sin. There may indeed be a separation for a time, if needful affairs require. But it is not lawful for either the man or the woman to leave the other totally or finally.
4. In this their society two things are to be observed, that it be sanctified and temperate. First, it must be sanctified, that is, made lawful and holy to them by the word of God and prayer. The word of God clearly shews the lawfulness of it. For God has said expresly, Marriage is honourable among all men, and the bed undefiled. But let it also be sanctified or made holy by prayer. Solemnly pray for the blessing of God upon his ordinance, not forgetting to return him particular thanks for his infinite goodness herein. That this is requisite none can deny, that will not deny the authority of St. Paul. For he affirms, that marriage, as well as meat and drink, is sanctified by prayer and thanksgiving. As therefore it is a brutish profaneness, for any man to sit down to his table, as an horse to the manger, without asking the blessing of God first, and to return from it, as a fox from his prey, without praising him that gave him food and appetite; so it is great licentiousness for married persons to come together, as it were brute beasts, without either prayer or thanksgiving. The hope of posterity, the stay of old age, the support of every man’s house, the supply of the church and common-wealth, hang upon the fruit of marriage. Is it then more than needs, to ask the blessing of God in a thing of so great importance? Surely we should bring his curse upon us, were we either to forget it as needless, or despise it as ridiculous. Yea, whereas marriage is instituted in part for the subduing inordinate desires, it cannot answer that end, without God’s blessing; which how can we expect, if we scorn to ask it? Certainly, the men that use marriage in a brutish manner, not seeing God therein, nor sanctifying it to themselves by these means, will thereby become more and more brutish. Wherefore let no man scoff at a duty plainly commanded by God: but let us learn to know the full efficacy of prayer, and to reap the fruit of it in all things.
5. It must, secondly, Be temperate. We are always to remember, God ordained marriage chiefly for the increase of mankind, and not to kindle lustful desires, but to quench them. I confess, we should take great heed of laying snares upon mens consciences, and must be very careful not to bind them, where God has not bound them. But this is a sure rule: the quantity of every thing, must be suited to the end. This being considered, the married are not to provoke desires, but allay them, when they provoke themselves. They must not strive to inflame the passions when they are cool, but when they are moved of themselves, to assuage them. In a word, marriage should be used as sparingly, as consists with the need of the persons married. A temperate use promotes purity: excess inflames lust, and inclines to adultery. Wherefore the foregoing rule should be carefully observed, that the married come no oftener together, than is needful to extinguish natural desires, when they would otherwise become troublesome to them. Now the sanctified use of marriage is also an help to the temperate use of it. But they seldom fail to exceed, who do not take care to make all things holy by prayer and thanksgiving.
6. Perhaps one might add, it should ever be accompanied with chearfulness and willingness. They must neither deny themselves to each other, nor behave with grudging and forwardness; but rather with readiness and all demonstrations of sincere affection. The scripture plainly testifies this, by the very term benevolence or good-will. For no man can call that good-will, which is done churlishly and discontentedly: a behaviour that naturally tends to alienate the heart, and create suspicions of estrangement of affection.
1.THE marriage-covenant binds all that enter into it, to several other duties, as well as to chastity: but not under the same forfeiture, failing in these breaks God’s command, but does not break the bond of matrimony. No ill-behaviour dissolves this, while we are not wronged as to the marriage-bed. Thou art still an husband or a wife, though thy yoke-fellow is wanting in many duties. Be careful therefore to do thy own part still, however slenderly thou art requited.
2. The duties common to husbands and wives, partly respect themselves, and partly their families. All the former sort may be reduced to two heads, love and the fruits of love. First, Love: their hearts must be united as well as their hands: else their union will be more troublesome than can be imagined. Love is the life and soul of marriage, without which it differs from itself as a carcase from a living body. This makes all things easy, whereas the absence of it makes all things hard. Love seasons and sweetens every state; love composes all controversies. In whomsoever love prevails, to them only marriage is what it should be, a pleasing combination of two persons into one home, one purse; one heart and one flesh. And this love must have two especial properties, first, It must be spiritual; secondly, matrimonial. It must be spiritual in its ground, and in its working. Its chief ground must be the commandment of God. A Christian must love his wife, not only because she is beautiful or loving, but chiefly because God enjoins it. The wife must love her husband, not only because he is handsome, kind or well-behaved, but because God the sovereign of all souls, has commanded women to be lovers of their own husbands. Not the face, portion or good qualities of the married, must be the chief cause of their loving each other, but the will of God; and that affection which stands on this stable foundation will be lasting: while that which stands on any other consideration, will be subject to change every hour. For how can the building stand fast, if the foundation sink away? Either some storm of contention will overthrow that love, or it will fall down of itself thro’ age. Or else it will degenerate into jealousy, the devouring canker-worm, that eats up the hearts of married persons, and consumes or spoils the sweet fruit they may reap. But he that loves his wife, because she is his wife, and God commands him to love her as such, will love her, so long as she is his wife, whatever she prove beside. Thou lovest thy wife, because she is fair, good-humoured, courteous: but what if all these should fail? Thou lovest thy husband, because he is handsome, sensible, kind: but where will thy love be, if these things should alter? You see there is no firmness in that love, which is procured only by these motives. But if thou love thy wife or husband, because God enjoins it, then thy love will be constant and perpetual.
3. This property of love, that it is spiritual, built on the rock of God’s commandment, answers all the objections which many would make against it in their own cases. “Who, says a man, can love such a wife?” “And what wife, says a woman, can love such an husband?” I answer, a man whose affection is spiritual, can love even such a wife. And the woman who has attained to spiritual love finds it possible to love even such an husband.
4. But as the ground of their love must be spiritual, so must also the working thereof. It must seek the spiritual good of the person beloved, by every possible means. For that love which seeks only their temporal welfare, deserves no better name than carnal love. But surely those who love each other, because God bids them, will love each other as God bids them. They will be careful of each others souls, as well as of their bodies and estates. But alas! How exceedingly does the love of most married people fail herein? Thou art kind to thy wife or husband, and it goes to thy heart, to think any thing should be wanting for their good. It is well; but so may a Turk as well as thou, if by good, thou meanest only that which is temporal. But dost thou seek to help thy yoke-fellow to heavenly, as well as earthly benefits? This is spiritual love: this becomes a Christian husband, and a Christian wife. Be not then carnal in your love, walking as men, but spiritual as the children of God.
5. *But remember farther, that your love must be matrimonial, as well as spiritual. It must be matrimonial, with regard, 1. To the degree, and 2. To the effect of it. For the first, A man should love his wife, a woman her husband, above all the creatures in the world. Next to the living God, the wife is to have the highest place in the husband’s heart, and he in her’s. No neighbour, no friend, no parent, no child, should be so near and dear to either as the other. They are joined in the closest of all unions; therefore their mutual affection should be most abundant. They must do more and suffer more for each other, than for any other in all the world. They must bear with more faults in each other than any besides, and be ready to take more pains for each other.
6. Secondly, As to the effect of this love, it should knit them together, that they may receive full satisfaction in each other. Love should cause a man to account his wife the only woman in the world: and so the wife to account her husband the only man in the world. The persons of each should be to the other the most precious of all persons. Do any object, this cannot be, unless every man and every woman, could find in their own yoke-fellow as amiable qualities as are to be found in others: I answer, not the good qualities of either, but the good pleasure of God is the ground of their mutual dearness. Good qualities make this duty more easy: but it is still a duty, tho’ good qualities be away. A man may lawfully think another woman a better woman than his own wife. But he may not love another woman, tho’ more virtuous, above his own, tho’ less virtuous. This is the effect of matrimonial love, to settle the heart of each upon the other, above all in the world besides. It admits of none equal in affection, but places the yoke-fellow next to our own soul. Nor will it bear the desire of change, but so links their hearts together, that in this respect they are only dear to each other.
7. The means to get and confirm this love, is to have one house, one table, one bed. But besides this natural means of procuring love, there are two spiritual means. The one is, to take special notice, of God’s gracious providence in their match. They must often consider, that God joined them together, for their mutual benefit, as being on the whole fitter for each other, than any person besides could be. We know, that a mean gift is often respected, for the giver’s sake. And he that loveth God, cannot but love all his blessings for his sake. Wherefore remember, that God in great goodness (for crosses also come to God’s children from his goodness) hath bestowed this yoke-fellow, and thou shalt dearly love thy wife or husband, tho’ perhaps not so well-tempered. For the dearness of the giver will countervail the defects of the gift. And then thy yoke-fellow’s distempers will grieve thee indeed, but not alienate thy affection.
8. Another means of uniting your souls is, constantly to join in exercises of piety. Pray together: sing together: confer together, concerning your heavenly country. And this will be found an excellent means of confirming your mutual love. These will nourish the Spirit of holiness in you: and that inkindles love wherever it comes. By these you will soon perceive yourselves to have been spiritually profitable to each other: and to receive a spiritual benefit cannot but beget and nourish spiritual affection. Naturally you would grow weary of each other: but if you season your natural communion, with this communion in spiritual things, it will prevent all satiety. Jars and contentions are the great hindrances of love; but the joining together in these exercises, will cause you to jar far more seldom: nor will any sudden jar fester or rankle, so as to breed hard thoughts of one another, which are the bane of love. Prayer will prevent most contentions and compose all: for when you shall appear before God in prayer, instead of blaming each other, you will each blame yourself, and then all contention will cease.
9. But some may say, “What shall I do, who have such an husband or wife, as neither can nor will join with me, in the service of God?” I answer, pray for that yoke-fellow, who will not pray with thee. The less able or willing they are to intreat for themselves, the more frequently and earnestly intreat God for them. It may be, God will give thee thy desire, and turn their hearts to thee. At least, thy own soul will gain an increase of heavenly love to them. And this is sure, that to love your yoke-fellow spiritually and fervently, tho’ you are not loved again, is far better, than to be loved of them, without so loving.