1.THE effects of nuptial love are three, Pleasingness, Faithfulness, Helpfulness. The first, which must mix itself with all the rest, is an earnest desire to please each other, so far as it is possible to be done, without sinning against God. Wherefore the husband must do or leave undone, any thing he can, that he may please his wife: and the wife must in any thing cross her own desires that she may satisfy his. In diet, attire, choice of company, and all things else, each must fulfill the other’s desire, as absolutely as can be done, without transgressing the law of God. As difficult as this may seem at first, practice will make it easy. Resolutely begin, and the proceeding will be pleasanter than the beginning. Especially if both labour together, each seeking to oblige the other. For it cannot be difficult to satisfy one, who desires to take as well as to give satisfaction.
2. But some will say, “This suits not me, nothing will satisfy my froward yoke-fellow.” I answer, It may be so: it is not in ones power, to make a froward person take a thing well. But it is in your power, to do your best, to satisfy such an one; and to strive the more, the more averse to peace your companion is. “But it is hard, to be still striving against the stream.” It is; but duties must not be omitted because they are hard. The scholar, who has an hard lesson, must take the more pains to learn it. So the husband or wife, that has a perverse companion, must take the more pains to please them. Let the difficulty therefore make thee more diligent: and encourage thyself in this tedious labour, by thinking, “If after all I cannot please my yoke-fellow, I shall not fail to please God. Yea, and the harder the work is, the better he will take it at my hands. Therefore I will so behave, that they may receive content in all things, if any thing but sin will content them.” This caution indeed we must observe; for we may not, to please anyone, sin against God. If any thing but sin will satisfy, thou must do it, be it ever so contrary to thy own will. But if thou canst not fulfill the desires of a creature, without breaking the law of God, then thou must not fulfill them: better offend a mortal man, than the immortal God.
3. In the next place, husband and wife are to be faithful and helpful to each other. These two must always be united: therefore we speak of them together. This was the principal thing which God designed in the creation of the woman. It is not good, saith he, for man to be alone: I will make him an help meet for him. And undoubtedly man was intended to give, as well as to receive help. This helpful fidelity consists in their mutual care to abstain from and prevent whatever might grieve or hurt either: and to do themselves, and incite others to do, whatever might comfort or benefit either. And this must extend to the soul, the body, the name, and the estate.
4. First, to the souls, by provoking each other on all occasions, to inward and outward holiness. The husband must further the wife in all goodness, and the wife the husband: for she has also liberty to stir up her husband, by intreaty and fair means. And as they have special opportunity, so they should be always ready, with special diligence, to provoke one another to love and to good works. O how sweet is the society when they thus watch all occasions to further each other in godliness! Again; being continually together, they may discover in each other divers corruptions and imperfections. They must not turn these into matter of contempt, but of compassion and care for each others reformation. They should observe each others temper, ’till they perceive what infirmities each is chiefly inclined to, and then diligently abstain from what may provoke that evil, and apply all means that may heal it. If all their labour does not avail, they must not fear to seek the help of some common friend, who possibly may effect that cure, which themselves had endeavoured in vain. And if even this does not succeed, still they must wait and pray, referring the matter to God, the only physician of the soul, who is able in due time to redress all.
5. The same faithful helpfulness they owe, to the bodies of each other. They must shun all things that might cause sickness or pain to each other, and readily undergo any pains or cost, according to their power, to procure whatever is necessary either to keep or recover their health. They must comfort each other, in the days of sorrow, that worldly sorrow work not death. The wife must be health to her husband in his sickness: she must support his weakness, and he her’s. Sickness and weakness are things which of themselves are hard enough to be borne. There needs not the addition of unkindness to make the burden heavier. Let every husband and wife avoid or mend this fault, and be particularly careful of their behaviour, at that time above all, when either is visited with grief, or weakness, or sickness. When your wife is sick or pain’d, then comfort her with loving words, and chear her by a tender countenance. Then see that she want no looking too, no help which thou canst procure. When thy husband is sick or weak, then stay him with comfortable speech, revive him with diligent attendance. Do all thou canst, to ease his pain, and to recover his strength. Let thy love and care be his best physic, and thyself his best physician. This is to be faithful to thy husband’s body, and to “cherish him in sickness as in health.”
6. In the third place, man and wife must be faithfully helpful to each others names, and that in a double respect: in maintaining them both between themselves and also among others. First, they must hold fast a good opinion of each other, so far as it may possibly stand with truth. Yea, it is no blame for them to have somewhat too good an opinion of each other: for a man to think his wife not only more handsome, but more wise and good than she is; (making her virtues carry a greater show to the eye, by looking at them thro’ the glass of love:) and for her to think him not only more proper, but more kind and good than he really is, by taking things with that largeness of good interpretation, which much love naturally puts upon them. Certainly then they should be peremptory to give no place to ungrounded, unwarranted surmises. They must on no account suffer their hearts to grow mistrustful of each other. All rash, ill-built, hasty surmises, must be far from them. Otherwise love will go out at the same door, at which suspicion came in. He or she that has a suspicious head, has not a truly loving heart. Such may be lustful or fond; but an holy, virtuous, spiritual affection they cannot have. So long as they give way to evil surmisings, there is no place for this. *And therefore of all domestic makebates, of all that breeds quarrel between married people, nothing in the world is more pestilently effectual to this bad end than jealousy. Having leavened the heart, it makes the speech tart and sharp, the countenance sour, the whole behaviour distasteful. No good words, no good actions, or ♦gestures, or looks can proceed from a jealous heart. Jealousy will make one suck mischievous things out of his own fingers ends. Suffer not therefore this evil weed to grow up in the garden of matrimony. For no good herb will prosper by it; no praise-worthy thing will flourish. Let all then that are married, detest any thought of this kind that may arise. Let their hearts disdain to give the least credit, unless the proofs be more than manifest. Away then with this makebate jealousy, this quarreler suspicion, this breeder of brawls, this mother and nurse of contention, this underminer of love and of good husbandry, of all that should be profitable to an houshold. Away with it, I say, out of thy heart: chase it far from thy breast, from thy house. It is better to receive ten wrongs without suspecting, than to suspect one that is not received. Wherefore as thou wouldst stand for the good name of thy companion, against the tongue of a slanderer, so stand for it against the dreams of thy own heart, against thy own slanderous imagination. And if any person will suffer his lips to be so ill employed, as to become Satan’s bellows, by blowing these coals betwixt you, by telling thee this or that, rebuke such a person, reject his words with detestation, flee his company, nor defile thy ears and heart, by giving gentle audience to a whisperer and talebearer. In a word, wouldst thou love or be loved? Wouldst thou live otherwise in marriage, than as in a prison or dungeon? Then strengthen thy heart against all suspicion, and rather be any thing than jealous.
♦ ‘guestures’ replaced with ‘gestures’
7. Ye must be tender also of each other’s reputation abroad. This requireth two things: First, that each labour to conceal the weaknesses of the other, so far as is possible, from all men. The husband must endeavour, that none may know of his wife’s faults, but himself: and the wife must do her best to keep her husband’s faults from the knowledge of every creature. On the contrary, to publish each others sins, is a monstrous treachery. To backbite an enemy is a sin: how much more to backbite ones yoke-fellow? Whose faults can a man cover if not his wife’s, that is in effect, his own? Or who can be free from reproach, if one so near as his wife, deface his good name? ’Tis impossible but man and wife must sooner or later discover their weaknesses to one another. And for them to be playing the tell-tale against each other, what soul does not loath to think of it? If thou hast been so sinfully talkative before, now for shame lay thy hand upon thy mouth, that thou mayst no more incur the name of fool, by making thy tongue to spread abroad folly.
8. But besides this, you must faithfully keep each others secrets. A man may have occasion to acquaint his wife, with things which he would not reveal to others; so may a woman to acquaint her husband. Now if in such cases a wife find, that her husband has revealed what she intrusted with him alone; or he find, that she has revealed what he spoke to her in the confidence of love, this will breed such a distrust of the offending party, as will not easily be removed. Wherefore let husbands and wives always mind this: If he lay up any thing in her breast, let him find it safe there, as in a chest, which cannot be opened by any pick-lock. If she commit a thing to his safe keeping, let it be imprisoned in his bosom. Otherwise no man can chuse but be strange to one, whom experience has convinced of blabbing. And it is an infallible truth, that there is no comfortable living with one whom you cannot trust.
9. The last part of faithful helpfulness to each other, is that which concerns their estates. And to this end it is requisite, first, that all things be common between them, goods as well as persons: For if they make not a division in the greater, it is absurd to make it in the less. They should have one house and one purse: for they are one, and their estates should be one also. And having thus united their fortunes, let them, secondly, practise good husbandry therein. This implies three things, diligence in getting, prudence in saving, providence in foreseeing. These three, industry, frugality, and forecast, make up good husbandry. And if any of these are wanting, so much is wanting to the perfection of it; and so much also will be wanting, for their comfort and prosperity.
1.A Man and his wife, who before were members of other families, join together that they may become the roots of a new family: Wherein by training up their servants and children, they provide plants for God’s vineyard, the church. In this family the husband is the head; the wife is the next, as subordinate to him. They are both to maintain and govern their family. First, they must join in providing it with all necessaries, imitating herein the father of this great family, the world, who fills every creature with good things fit for it. But they must govern as well as maintain their houshold; the man as God’s immediate officer, the woman as an officer deputed by him, not equal, but subordinate: he, by the authority derived immediately from God, she by authority derived from her husband.
2. The first point, in order to the due government of their family, is to educate their children well; more especially in their tender years. I cannot lay down a better method for this, than is laid down in a letter printed some years since; part of which is here subjoined.
*“According to your desire, I have collected the principal rules I observed in educating my family. The children (she had ten who came to man’s estate, eight of whom were frequently at home together) were put into a regular method of living, in such things as they were capable of, from their birth, as in dressing, undressing, changing their linen, &c. The first quarter commonly passes in sleep. After that, they were, if possible, laid into their cradles awake, and rocked asleep, and so they were kept rocking till it was time for them to awake. This was done to bring them to a regular course of sleeping, which at first was three hours in the morning, and three in the afternoon: afterwards two hours till they needed none at all.
*“When they were turned a year old, they were taught to fear the rod, and cry softly. By this means they escaped abundance of correction which otherwise they must have had, and that odious noise of the crying of children was rarely heard in the house.
*“As soon as they were grown pretty strong, they were confined to three meals a day. They were never suffered to chuse their meat, but always ate such things as were provided for the family. Whatever they had, they were never permitted to eat of more than one thing. Drinking or eating between meals was never allowed, but in case of sickness, which rarely happened.
*“At six they had their supper. At seven their maid washed them, and got them all to bed by eight. Then she left them in their several rooms awake: for we allowed no such thing, as sitting by a child till it fell asleep.
“They were so constantly used to eat and drink what was given them, that when any of them was ill, there was no difficulty in making them take the most unpleasant medicine. This I mention, to shew a person may be taught to take any thing, be it ever so disagreeable.
*“In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done, is, to conquer their will. To inform their understanding is a work of time, and must proceed by slow degrees: but the subjecting the will is a thing which must be done at once; and the sooner the better. For by our neglecting timely correction, they contract a stubbornness, which is hardly ever to be conquered, and never without using that severity, which would be as painful to us as to the children. Therefore I call those cruel parents, who pass for kind and indulgent: who permit their children to contract habits, which they know must be afterwards broken.
“Whenever a child is corrected, it must be conquered. And when his will is totally subdued, then a great many childish follies and inadvertencies may be past by. Some should be overlooked and taken no notice of, and others mildly reproved. But no wilful transgression should ever be forgiven, without chastisement, less or more.
“I insist upon conquering the wills of children betimes, because this is the only foundation of a religious education, without which both precept and example will be ineffectual. But when this is throughly done, then a child is capable of being governed by the reason of its parent, till its own understanding comes to maturity, and the principles of religion have taken root.
*“I cannot yet dismiss this subject. As self-will is the root of all sin and misery, so whatever cherishes this in children, ensures their after wretchedness and irreligion; and whatever checks and mortifies it, promotes their future happiness and piety. This is still more evident, if we consider, that religion is nothing else but the doing the will of God, not our own: and that self-will being the grand impediment to our temporal and eternal happiness, no indulgence of it can be trivial, no denial of it unprofitable. Heaven or hell depends on this alone. So that the parent who studies to subdue it in his children, works together with God in the saving a soul; the parent who indulges it, does the devil’s work, makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies, to damn his child, soul and body for ever.”
3. This advice, first, to conquer the wills of children, is exactly agreeable to the apostle’s direction to parents, Eph. vi. 4. Train them up, (I do not say, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; for I know not what that odd expression means, but) ἐν παιδεία καὶ νουθεσία Κυρίου, in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ἐν ♦παιδεία, in the discipline first; then ἐν νουθεσία, in Christian knowledge; because they may be inured to discipline, before they are capable of instruction. *This therefore I cannot but earnestly repeat, break their wills betimes: begin this great work before they can run alone, before they can speak plain, perhaps before they can speak at all. Whatever pains it costs, conquer their stubbornness: break the will, if you would not damn the child. I conjure you, not to neglect, not to delay this. Therefore, 1. Let a child, from a year old, be taught to fear the rod, and to cry softly. It cannot be exprest, how much pains this will save both to the parent and the child. In order to this, 2. Let him have nothing he cries for; absolutely nothing, great or small. Let this be an unvariable rule; else you undo all your own work. 3. At all events, from that age, make him do as he is bid, if you whip him ten times running to effect it. Let none persuade you it is cruelty to do this: it is real cruelty, not to do it. If you spare the rod, you spoil the child; if you do not conquer, you ruin him. Break his will now, and his soul shall live, and he will probably bless you to all eternity.
♦ ‘παιθεία’ replaced with ‘παιδεία’
4. *But we are by nature not only full of self-will, but likewise of pride, atheism, anger, falshood and idolatry. Now the end of education is to counteract and remove all the corruption of nature; of Christian education in particular, termed by St. Paul, the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Set yourselves, therefore, ye Christian parents, to the work. Indeed it is not a little one. In order to accomplish it, you will need both the wisdom and the power of God: in order to root up, instead of strengthening, as most do, all these roots of bitterness. Self-will has been spoken of already. The next evil you are to oppose in children is pride. In order to guard against this, 1. Never commend them to their face, either for their goodness, sense or beauty. It is deadly poison. It is the direct way to plunge their souls in everlasting perdition. 2. Suffer no other to do it, if you can possibly prevent it: and if any should commend them, in their hearing, regard not ♦complaisance, or good-breeding so called, but check them immediately. 3. Lovingly shew them their faults, especially their wrong tempers, as soon as ever their understanding dawns. 4. In particular, labour to convince them of atheism: shew them, that they are without God in the world: that they do not know God; that they do not love, delight in, or enjoy him, any more than do the beasts that perish. 5. Do not teach them revenge: never say, “Who hurts my child? Give me a blow for him.” Do not encourage them in anger, by laughing at, or seeming pleased with their little froward tricks. Rather check them for the least appearance of it, much more for an angry word or action. 6. Let property be inviolably maintained among your little ones. Let none of them dare to take the very least thing, not an apple or a pin, without, much less, against the consent of the owner. 7. Do not teach them lying. Never say, “It was not my child that did so.” On the contrary, inure them to confess their faults, and to tell the truth at all hazards. 8. Begin early to guard them against idolatry, against the love of the world in all its branches. Do nothing to feed in them the desire of the flesh; that is, of the pleasures of sense. Keep them (on this account, as well as on account of health) to the plainest, simplest diet. If they do not want it as physic, let them taste no liquid till ten or twelve years old, but water or milk. Above all, let no tea come within their lips, no strong drink of any kind. If they never have it, they will never desire it. It is wholly your fault if they do. Do nothing to feed in them the desire of the eye. Let their dress also be plain and simple. Let them always (so far as your circumstances will allow) be clean, but never fine. Let them never wear any thing that is ♠showy, any thing that is gay or glittering. Put nothing upon them that attracts the eye, either their own, or that of others. Give them nothing, nor suffer others to give them any thing that is purely ornamental. Dress your children just as you dress yourself, that when they are grown up, they may have nothing to unlearn. More full directions on these heads, and many others, you have in the “Instructions for Children,” which I advise every parent to read again and again, and to put it in practice with all his power.
5. The government of your family in general respects matters of God, and matters of the world. Your first care must be, that the living God be duly worshipped by all in your house. To this end, you must read the scriptures, call upon the name of God among them, and catechise them in the principles of religion, that none under your roof may be ignorant of the great truths of the gospel. To this end also you must see, that they sanctify the sabbath: you must carefully and constantly bring them to the public assemblies, and examine them afterwards, how they profit thereby. If this care be wanting, you will want the blessing of God on all your other cares. Wherefore, let man and wife be principally helpful to each other in this business. When the husband is present, let him read and pray with the family, and teach them the fear of the Lord. In his absence, let his wife do these duties, or at least take care to see them done. And let both of them provide and allow convenient time and leisure for the same: and let each quicken the slackness of the other, if either begin to grow weary. If he is worse than an infidel, who provideth not food and cloathing for his family, what is he that lets their souls go naked, for want of that which is both food and cloathing to them; I mean, instruction in the things that pertain to life and godliness? Herein, then, let all husbands and wives be of one mind in the Lord, using all good means to plant and water piety in the hearts of all that are under their care.
6. As to matters of the world, first, They must appoint their inferiors such works and services, as they are severally fit for, and then follow and look after them, that they may perform those services. Had not the Lord seen, that inferiors would need this, he would not have made this difference in the family. But God saw, that the best servants need this help, and therefore ordained governors; generally two, that the absence of the one might be supplied by the presence of the other. Secondly, You must mark the carriage of your inferiors, and see what disorders do, or are ready to break in, whether openly or secretly, that they may be either prevented or resisted speedily. Idleness, tatling, discord, and many more evils, are apt to steal even on good servants and children, which the Lord well knowing, made rulers in the house, to keep all in good order: and if this care be some trouble, yet the mischiefs which arise from the want of it are much more troublesome: whereas, if the eyes of the master and mistress be always open, much peace will follow in the house. Thirdly, You must join in admonishing, encouraging, reproving, and, if need be, correcting your inferiors. Both must discountenance what is evil, and encourage what is good. And in so doing you must take care to maintain each other’s authority to the full. If one encourage, the other must not oppose; if one reprove, the other must not defend. If he see cause to correct the children, she must not grow angry or hinder: neither, when she would correct, must he save them out of her hands. Nay, suppose either should exceed, correcting either without cause, or above measure, the other must not find fault, in hearing of the inferiors; but they must debate the matter between themselves, and keep their disagreements from appearing in the family. So therefore join hands, that your dissention may not blast the fruit of all your endeavours. So shall you preserve your authority, ♦increase your love to each other, and procure amendment in your inferiors.
♦ ‘encrease’ replaced with ‘increase’
1.IT is the duty of an husband, to govern his wife, and to maintain her. The former implies, that he keep his authority, and that he use it. And, first, every man is bound to keep himself in that place wherein his Maker hath set him, and to hold fast that precedency which God hath assigned him. The Lord hath intitled him your head, and he may not take a lower place. The contempt redounds upon God, which a man takes upon himself, by making his wife his master. But perhaps some will say, “All this is reasonable, if it were practicable. But there are some wives so proud, headstrong, and stubborn, that their husbands cannot govern them.” I answer, most men blame their wives, when the real fault is in themselves. Man cannot hinder a violent woman from assaulting his authority, but he may from winning it: not indeed by violence, but by skill; not by main force, but by a ♦steady and wise proceeding. And, first, let him endeavour to exceed his wife in goodness as he does in place. Let him walk uprightly and religiously in his family, and give a good example to all in the house. Then any reasonable woman will give him the better place, whom she sees to be the better person. Take pains then to make thyself good, and that is the most compendious way to make thyself reverenced.
♦ ‘steddy’ replaced with ‘steady’
2. This in general. But in particular, shun those evils, that make a man seem vile in the eyes of those that are round about him. The first of these is bitterness: sharp, tart carriage, reviling, passionate, provoking language, are fitly so called; being as offensive to the mind, as gall and worm-wood to the palate. This bitterness shews folly, and works hatred, and therefore must needs be a great underminer of authority. For wherever want of wisdom is, there will ensue want of reverence. He that would retain his pre-eminence, must, secondly, avoid unthriftiness, another great enemy to reverence. Drunkenness, gaming, and ill company, are the three parts of unthriftiness. And whoever gives way to any of these, must expect to be despised. Thirdly, lightness must be avoided by husbands, all foolish, childish behaviour, that wears no stamp of gravity or discretion, but savours of a kind of boyishness. If the husband puts a fool’s coat upon his back, can he blame his wife for laughing at him? Cast therefore all those base evils from you, and strive for holiness and gravity of conversation, that your superiority, supported by such pillars, may stand upright and unshaken.
3. But how is a man to use this authority, so that it may answer the end for which it is given? The end of it is, That he may present her to God, holy and without blemish; that he may so govern her, as to weaken every corruption, and strengthen every grace in her soul. In order to do this, he must temper the exercise of his authority, by justice, wisdom and mildness. Justice is the life and soul of government, without which it is no better than a dead carcase: wisdom is the eye of government, without which it is like a strong man stark blind. Mildness is the health and good constitution of government: and when these are all joined together, then the husband is, as it were, God in the family, a resemblance of his sovereignty and goodness.
4. Justice is to be practised in directing and recompensing. For the first, a man must not so abuse his authority, as to enjoin any thing sinful: what God commands, he must not forbid; what God forbids, he must not command. Let no husband forget, that the Lord in heaven, and the magistrate on earth, are above him. He and his wife are equally subject to these. Therefore let him never set his private authority against theirs, nor make his wife undutiful to either of these, by a false claim of duty to himself. For instance: let no husband command his wife to lie for his advantage, to break the sabbath for his gain; to partake of his fraud, or sin of any kind. Neither let any man forbid his wife to pray unto God, to attend his word and sacraments; to use any of the means which God hath made the ordinary channels of his grace. See then, all ye husbands that your directions to your wives agree with the laws of God. Otherwise to disobey you is the better obedience, and to reject your evil directions, is not to deny subjection to your persons but to your sins, yea to the devil himself, who rules in you.
5. But this rule of justice must extend a little farther. The husband must not urge his authority, not only in things unlawful, but even in those that seem unlawful to his wife’s mistaken confidence. He ought not to force her to what she thinks a sin. Conscience is God’s immediate officer, and tho’ it is mistaken, must be obeyed, ’till it be better informed. Wherefore, when a woman thro’ weakness fancies a thing indifferent to be sinful, a man must not compel her to act against her conscience, but with pity and gentleness try to remove that mistake. “But what if she pretend conscience, when it is but willfulness?” Then he must wait awhile, and if persuasions avail not, at length use his authority, and enjoin her to change her obstinacy into subjection. “But how shall I know, whether she be scrupulous or stubborn?” I answer, scruple of conscience is grounded on the word of God, on some text which carries an appearance at least of condemning the thing in question. But obstinacy is backed with no part of God’s word. Therefore, if a woman produce some scripture, tho’ perhaps misinterpreted, for her scruple, she must be tenderly dealt with. But if she plead conscience, without God’s word, it is probably a mere pretence. Again, it may be a mistaken conscience, when things indifferent are deemed either necessary or sinful. But if conscience be pleaded against doing what God hath plainly commanded, this is willfulness in error, not weakness of conscience.
♦6. Justice is likewise to be exercised in requiring either the bad or good carriage of the wife. Bad behaviour may be requited with reproof or correction. But be sure, not to reprove without a fault. Find not a fault where no fault is, for fear of making one where there was none. And observe; a fault reformed is to be accounted no fault. Therefore it must never be mentioned more. And when a real fault requires punishment, still the husband must come exceeding slowly to it, and be very seldom in it, never until he is compelled, because all other means are ineffectual. For a man to look and behave cooly towards his wife, to withdraw the testimonies of his love, to cease to trust and to speak familiarly and chearfully to her, these things I call punishments. And all things of this kind must be more or less sharp, as the fault is greater or less, being suited, not to the passion, or loss, or hurt of the reprover, but to the offence of the reproved. On the other hand, rewards and commendations should be proportioned to the nature and degree of her good behaviour: the husband being careful to feed her virtues, nourish her obedience, and confirm all her amiable qualities.
♦ ‘9’ replaced with ‘6’
7. The next virtue of the husband is wisdom, which gives rules for the right ordering his authority. It is a main part of this wisdom, to conform the use of his authority to the disposition of his wife. There is a great difference in tempers: some are more stiff, some more pliant; some are easy to be ruled, some the contrary. Some require more sharpness; others will be better wrought upon by gentleness; and wisdom teaches to frame all commands, reproofs, rewards, according to the condition of the person. A soft, tender woman must be dealt with tenderly; a rough, high-spirited one, with more sternness and severity. And herein an husband must not follow his own inclinations, but bow himself to the temper of his wife. As she is more apt to grieve or rage, to be dejected or careless, so ought a man to shape his words and behaviour, that he may most heal and least provoke those passions to which she is most liable. St. Peter points all men to this part of discretion, when he terms women, the weaker vessel; meaning, subject to more natural infirmities than the man. So much the more should the husband shew himself a man of knowledge toward her. Our Saviour’s government may be our example. He well considers the particular nature of all his members, sees the tempers and infirmities of each, and deals with them accordingly. And his wisdom appears in mixing a fit cup of consolation or affliction for every soul. Every husband must carefully imitate this: for if some women were reproved so frequently and so sharply as others; they would be quite disheartened: and if some were to receive so great kindness and such commendations as others need, they would be utterly destroyed by pride. Now the art of government must moderate all these things, according to the nature of the governed. And this art the giver of wisdom will not deny, to them that earnestly crave it at his hands.
8. Another part of wisdom is, to chuse a fit time and place for every act of authority. Two rules may be observed with regard to time, particularly in reproving, that being a thing wherein most caution should be used, because it is most apt to be taken ill, and because if it speed well, it does much good, if not, it does much hurt. But in all other parts of government, the same rules are so needful, that much mischief will grow by not observing them. Now, as in this case there are two persons concerned, so a time of reproving or commanding must be chosen, suitable to both. It must be then used, when he is fit to use it well, and she to take it well. First then, when a man himself is quiet, in tune, and free from perturbation, then probably he will reprove or command well. But when anger boils within, let him forbear exercising any part of his authority, till he recover his due temper. Authority cannot be well managed, but by the hand of wisdom. Therefore undertake not to exercise it, at a time when wisdom is banished. Go not about such a work, but when thou art thyself, when thy mind is settled, thy judgment clear. Then shew thy wife her duty, then tell her of her faults; else she will never mend her faults or see her duty. Chuse, secondly, the time wherein she is most capable of receiving information or reproof: when she is chearfully quiet, well-pleased, free from excessive grief, anger, pain, sickness, which often untunes the soul, then is a good time to advise or tell her of a fault. Else her passions will make her as unable to take any thing well, as his will make him unable to do it well.
9. As to place, commendations or easy commands may be given before others. But for reproofs, the most secret place is generally the most convenient. Or if you would have her do or forbear any thing, which you think will be displeasing to her to hear, tell your mind in private, and then persuade where you may freely speak all that is fit to be spoken. “But what if women offend in public, before servants and children, and strangers?” I answer, in this case, a man may shew his dislike, that others may not be hurt by the bad example. But he should delay the proper, home reproof, ’till his wife and he be together alone.
10. Next to wisdom is mildness, a very necessary virtue in this society. No woman can endure her husband’s government with comfort, if gentleness do not temper it. The Lord Jesus is the most gentle and meek governor in the world: and when he requireth us to take his yoke upon us, he commends himself as meek and lowly, his yoke as easy and his burden as light. This is the best precedent for husbands to follow, the most worthy copy for them to write after. The apostle teaches us to be gentle, not only to the good, but also to them that are froward. Surely then the husband must be gentle toward his wife, tho’ she be of a froward disposition. Yea, we are commanded to shew all meekness to all men: much more should each man shew it to his wife. And that in both the parts of authority, in directing and recompensing.
11. As to the former, the husband should beware of extending the use of his commanding power too far. Let him use it as seldom, and as little as possible. It may suffice him to know, that God has given him the right of directing, in every thing which is not sinful. But in the exercise of it, he must shew himself of a kind and free nature, not rigorously taking upon him, to command all he may, but willingly gratifying his wife, in some, in many, in most things, that she may with the more chearfulness, be subject to him in others. Let him also shew mildness, in forbearing hard commandments, as much as possibly he can. Beware of crossing your wife, without cause, and forcing her to things against her natural disposition. Enjoin nothing of this kind, unless there be an absolute necessity. And as to the manner of commanding, let nothing be imperiously prescribed, but with sweet kindness and familiar requests. Indeed, if the wife will try for mastery, and strive to cast off the yoke of obedience, then it is needful for the husband, with good words, to stand for his authority, even somewhat stifly and peremptorily professing, that he will have his will in things lawful. But this course should be rarely taken, and that only in matters of importance. In other cases it is better mildly to wish this or that, than haughtily to enjoin it.
12. But mildness is never so needful as in reproving, both with regard to the matter and the manner of it. For the matter; find not fault with every foible; chide not for every infirmity. What is not of a gross nature, or done wilfully, may be passed over either with none, or half a word. The love which passes by weaknesses is necessary toward strangers; much more with those who are so nearly united. *Be not therefore extreme or rigorous, but be affected toward thy wife, as a tender mother toward her child. Pray to God against all her faults; see and commend all her virtues: but petty wants and little ordinary weaknesses, seldom take notice of, or reprove. Let her perceive, that thou dost, but wilt not know them. And thy unwillingness to see and reprove, will make her, if she has any spark of generosity, more willing to see and reform. But an ever-lowering and ever-chiding husband will make his wife worse than she would otherwise be. For the manner of reproving, even when it is most needful, it should be very gentle. The words and gestures used to press the fault, should be mild and amiable, breathing out love and pity at once. No patient is so desirous of health, that he will drink a potion scalding hot. So it is with reproof: if it, as it were, scald the ear with bitter upbraiding, with railing words, and a fiery look, it will never gain passage to the heart. Compassion, kindness, declaring your sorrow for her fault, desire of her good, and care for her amendment, these incline the will to accept of an admonition, and help the effect of it. I am not against the wholesome earnestness of reproving; but this may be without bitterness or fierceness. An admonition is then healthfully sharp and earnest, when a man with much plainness of speech and strength of reason lays open the greatness and danger of the sin, and vehemently enforces them on the sinner’s conscience: but compassionately still, with a declaration of more sorrow than anger, of more grief for her fault and danger, than displeasure against her person.