TO THE READER.
1.AMONG the innumerable novelties which have appeared in the world, within half a century, I do not remember to have seen the experience of a child written by herself. Herein much variety is not to be expected, nor any art or ornament at all: as she set down from time to time, merely for her own use, just what occurred between God and her own soul. But on this very account, persons of understanding will set the greater value upon it: because it contains only genuine Christian experience, painted in its native colours.
2. The reflections occasionally interspersed, are always just, frequently strong and affecting: particularly those on death, or the shortness of life, especially from the mouth of a child. And the language wherein they are expressed, altho’ plain and altogether unstudied, is yet pure and terse in the highest degree, yea frequently elegant: such as the most polite either of our lawyers or divines would not easily alter for the better. Such language I hardly know where to find, unless in the almost inimitable letters of Jane Cooper: between whom and Miss Gilbert there was a remarkable resemblance, both in sentiment and expression. And had it pleased the all-wise Disposer of all things, to give her a few more years on earth, and an increase of grace in proportion to her years, she would have been another Jane Cooper.
JOHN WESLEY.
Liverpool,
April 7th, 1768.
A short ACCOUNT of
Miss MARY GILBERT.
THE ensuing account it is hoped may animate those who are in the morning of life, to a due improvement of their time, in remembering their Creator in the days of their youth; so that they may offer him the first fruits of those precious moments, in which they are probationers for an awful eternity: and which when past, whether they have been employed in the important ♦task or not, are irrecoverably gone.
If it has this happy effect, the desired end will be fully answered, which is, that God’s grace and saving power may be manifested, in additional instances, both of living and dying witnesses.
Miss Mary Gilbert, was the eldest daughter of Nathaniel Gilbert, of the island of Antigua, Esq; by his wife Elizabeth, both persons of good families and eminent piety, whose chief study it was to train up their children in the knowledge of God and his ways, according to the established religion of the church of England.
She was born in the same island on the 28th of February, 1751, under the happy circumstance of having parents, who as they were wanting in no act of care and tenderness to their offspring, so took care in particular to make them like young Timothy, acquainted from their infancy with the holy scriptures. In the earliest dawn of reason she discovered an extraordinary capacity and uncommon understanding; a great willingness to learn; and a desire of being instructed, which often occasioned her to ask the most pertinent questions. Such a genius was observed by her parents with much gratitude, to him who is the author and dispenser of every good and perfect gift. Her natural disposition was a mixture of good and evil. She was a strict observer of truth, which appeared to arise from a nobleness of mind, which made her incapable of those meannesses from whence the vice of falshood springs. But as every flower in nature’s garden, however blooming needs improving, so did this principle in her; for as it was productive of some virtues, so it no less occasioned the greatest blemishes in her temper; such as high-spiritedness, pride and self-will; which notwithstanding the shining example of her parents, and their care to restrain, would, while she was very young often gain an ascendency.
In the year 1757, her father and mother made a voyage to England, (bringing this daughter and their other children with them) entirely upon a religious account, and in order to enjoy the company of some who were esteemed persons of remarkable piety and extensive usefulness, and with them to partake of those sacred privileges, with which their native island was not yet favoured. During their residence in England, she shewed the greatest delight in reading religious books, and in receiving the instruction of serious Christians, who were frequently entertained at her father’s house. So that what was recorded of the royal psalmist, might be asserted of her, All her delight was in the saints upon earth. Her father’s affairs calling him back to Antigua, he, with his family left England, in the beginning of the year 1759, taking with them a person whose sentiments and abilities they approved of, to whose care they committed the education of their children, for whom their daughter Mary soon contracted a very tender affection; far from shunning the company of one that was to correct her faults, and whose presence must restrain the little levities of childhood. She for these very reasons, delighted in being constantly confined with her, even in those hours which she might have spent at play with her sisters. These seasons she employed in improving her mind, and having the liberty of retiring into a closet within her governess’s chamber, she would continue in it for a long time every day reading, praying, and meditating, and her remarks upon what she read, were often just, and instructive.
As soon as she had learned to write, she seldom failed noting down whatever appeared useful in any author she read; and having a very retentive memory, she stored it with scripture truths, so that many of her relatives and others, were greatly surprised at her readiness in repeating, and finding out almost any text in those sacred pages. She likewise wrote several books of well collected texts, in proof of some of the fundamental doctrines of the church of England, such as, The fallen state of man, the necessity of repentance, of the new birth, and of holiness. Before she was twelve years of age, she corresponded with some persons in England, and her letters were much admired; tho’ as she grew older, her stile greatly improved, so that she had acquired both an easy and elegant manner of addressing different persons, and upon various occasions, tho’ religion was her constant theme: herein, as in other instances, endeavouring to redeem as much as possible the golden moments of her contracted span.
Thus she gently and profitably passed five years of her pilgrimage, without variation, and exempt from vicissitudes under her parents roof, till in the year 1764, they thought it most for her advantage to send her to England, to finish her education. Here she arrived the 28th of May that year: from that time boarding with an aunt, and being under the care of the same tutoress, who had before gone with her to Antigua. This separation from the best of parents, could not but prove an afflictive circumstance to one of her great sensibility, and who was a most dutiful and affectionate child; but this was alleviated by the pleasing hopes they gave her, that they themselves would soon come and reside in England, a thought which as it enabled her chearfully to bear their absence, so it animated her to a more than ordinary improvement of time, in order to render them the utmost satisfaction, when she should have the happiness of being restored to them; a period, which she often mentioned with the greatest delight; but which the infinitely wise disposer of events saw right never to indulge her with. It was with great pleasure that we observed, as her years increased, her good understanding, and the power of religion entirely prevailed over those tempers, which have before been mentioned, so that she became, every day more amiable, and was more endeared to all that knew her. On the first of January 1765, she began to keep a diary, chiefly consisting of the Lord’s dealings with her soul. This will give a juster conception of her understanding in the way of godliness, of her improvement of time, and the propriety of her sentiments on many occasions, than any thing that could be said upon the subject. She was one of those happy few, who are not afraid of being singularly pious, and was deeply convinced that the service of God is no impediment to, but the greatest augmentation of true happiness, in every period and circumstance of life. She had learned to disdain the follies of the world, always chusing plainness and neatness in dress, rather than gaiety and extravagance, and preferring an hour’s solitude, spent in communing with her own heart, or in searching the word of God, before all those trifling amusements, which so much engross the attention, and waste the time of the generality of persons of all ages.
Thus though young in years, she contemplated her latter end, and applied her heart unto true wisdom, and is now reaping the vast advantage in a blest eternity. She was so exercised in the needful duty of self-inspection, as to discern the imperfection of her best performances, and utterly to disclaim every other hope of obtaining the divine favour than that built on the sure foundation, Jesus Christ and him crucified. An interest in his atoning blood, was what she sincerely sought after; being truly sensible of the necessity of being born again, before we can enter into the kingdom of heaven. She thought the time long ere she was admitted into the glorious liberty of the children of God; and would greatly deplore her own instability, levity, and want of earnestness, to which she attributed her Lord’s delay; but these things tho’ felt by her tender and enlightened conscience, did not appear to others. And the Lord was not slack concerning his promise, as her following experience proved, when he came suddenly to the temple of her heart, never to leave her more. Some weeks before her last sickness she told a friend, that she had been greatly led out in the meditation of death, that she formerly considered it as very dreadful, but had of late seen it in a different view: so that if it would please God to finish his work in her soul, she could be content, young as she was, to give up all that were dear below, in hope of receiving them again in that eternal day. A few days before her disorder seized her, being asked by a friend, concerning the state of her soul, she said, “she had a confidence that God would not long with-hold the blessing, that she soon should know his pardoning love, and, that she was patiently waiting upon him.” As soon as she was taken ill, (which was on the 10th of January, 1768,) she was asked how she found her mind? She replied, “Quite composed, that she believed the Lord had visited her in love, and that whether it terminated in life, or death, it would be greatly to her advantage.” During the whole time of her illness not a doubt seemed to disturb her, nor did she ever lose her stedfast hope, that if she was taken, the Lord would perfect his work in her soul. She was also endued with a constant spirit of prayer, and to all around behaved with the utmost patience and meekness. She seldom complained, and declared she had not a murmuring thought, tho’ she appeared to suffer exquisitely; her disorder being a putrid fever, with a sore throat, which mortified some days before her dissolution: it was likewise attended with a deafness that encreased gradually, till at last there was no conversing with her. She was also deprived very early of speech, which as she retained her senses, rendered her situation very trying, as well as deprived her friends of that profit and satisfaction, which might otherwise have been expected. But on Thursday the 14th, (before the disease had made so great a progress, tho’ even then her speech was thick, and her hearing dull) she desired the whole family, would come and pray with her, and to some of her friends made this good confession: that she had found Christ, that she loved God, knowing that he had first loved her, that she was now neither afraid nor unwilling to die; and that she experienced unspeakable, and till now, unknown happiness. From this time she spoke but little, except about two days afterwards, when she said to one who desired her to speak to her, that she was perfectly resigned to the divine will; this she uttered with difficulty, and could add no more. But tho’ her lips were thus closed to all below, it was evident, her heart was open to God in prayer, which was discernable from the frequent lifting up of her hands and eyes with great devotion; in this posture she sweetly yielded up her spirit on the 21st instant, at the age of near 17 years.
An EXTRACT from her
JOURNAL.
TUESDAY, January 1st, 1765, when I awoke in the morning, I found my heart raised in thankfulness to God for his mercies, in bringing me to the beginning of another year; and found my soul much in the same frame all the day. *O! may this year be spent more to the glory of my Almighty Maker and Preserver, than the last has been: and may every thought, word and work, tend to this glorious end.
Wednesday 2, I found a blessing while dressing, but lost it by giving way to levity; yet the merciful Lord restored it to me in the evening: blessed be his name.
Thursday 3. I found my soul in a dead, dull frame, with a great disinclination to duty, which I did not yield to, and tho’ I found no immediate blessing, yet I doubt not, but the Lord was pleased with my endeavours to wait upon him.
Friday 4. I awoke with some degree of comfort, and had my thoughts stayed on the things of God. I found a desire, while I heard the book of martyrs read, of being like them; but could not submit to die for the truth as they did; it seemed too great a trial to flesh and blood: yet I trust was the Lord to call me to it, he would give me strength to bear it.
Saturday 5. I spent the morning in writing letters to my dear friends in Antigua, for whom I find the most tender affection. O! that we may all at length meet around the throne, and stand at the last day among the sheep at his right hand!
“O that each in the day
Of his coming, might say,
I have fought my way thro’.
I have finished the work thou didst give me to do.”
Sunday 6. In the morning my thoughts were very wandering and my mind much discomposed. When I came up, I read and writ my journal, and spent the rest of the morning comfortably. In the afternoon I read the experience of Elizabeth West. May I like the bee suck honey out of every flower, gather profit out of every book I read, every sermon I hear, and every occurrence in life, let it seem ever so trifling. The evening text was Isaiah lviii. 1. Cry aloud and spare not, &c. The preacher shewed our transgressions in the most glaring colours, and my own conscience convicted me that I had done all which he had mentioned, and more too: so that were I to be tried by works, I could not be saved.
Monday 7. I found my heart raised in thankfulness for the mercies of the night past. O for a continuance of it! Surely had I always a deep sense of the innumerable obligations I owe to my Almighty benefactor, it would keep me from falling into many of those things, which are so prevalent over me. Lord give me a thankful heart.
Tuesday 8. I awoke in a serious frame, but it did not continue long; for I yielded too much to wandering thoughts, which robbed me of that blessing. Lord make me more watchful for the future! In the evening my uncle preached a funeral sermon, on, It is appointed unto men once to die, &c. Hebrews ix. 27. My soul was very much blest, and stirred up to seek the Lord, but O how soon do my good resolutions die away. They are like the morning cloud, and the early dew which passeth away. Lord strengthen, and confirm them.
Wednesday 9. I found my soul in a very dead frame, and continued so all the day. I may truly say,
“My drowsy powers why sleep ye so?
Awake my sluggish soul!
Nothing has half thy work to do.
Yet nothing’s half so dull.”
Thou God of love quicken my drooping powers! Stir up and awaken my insensible soul, and give me to seek thy face with my whole heart! And O be thou found of me!
Thursday 10. I was very cold and dead all the day, and found neither power, nor inclination, to pray or read, which I yielded to; and passed the day without performing either of these duties. O my God, pardon my sins of omission, as well as those of commission. They are both as innumerable as the hairs of my head, but thy mercies are still more.
Friday 11. I was very busy this day with setting my things in order, which were come from London, and being in a hurry, my mind was not as stayed as I could have wished. O my God, gather in my scattered thoughts, and let my mind be fixt entire on thee!
Saturday 12. I was enabled, blessed be the Lord, to be serious and watchful. In the evening, Mr. Rodda preached. His text was Mark xii. 24. Thou art not far from the kingdom of God. I was much blest under the sermon, and my mind was stayed on what was delivered.
Sunday 13. In the evening, my uncle preached on Isaiah xxx. 21. This is the way, walk ye in it. I found my thoughts much composed, but being in great pain, I could not attend, as much as I found myself inclined to do. O how many hindrances have we while below! Sometimes from the world, sometimes from the infirmities of the body; and very often from a corrupt heart! Lord, do thou arm me with thy Spirit’s might, and enable me to combat and overcome, all the enemies of my salvation.
Monday 14. Our class met at ten as usual, but my soul was in a very wandering dead frame, and afterwards I was light and trifling; this is the natural consequence of the other, if not strove against.
Tuesday 15. I was in a very cold indifferent frame all the day. In the evening while my uncle catechised us, such a spirit of laughter came upon us, that we could hardly speak. Lord deliver us from a light, trifling spirit, as also from an unloving, disputing spirit.
“Mutual love the token be,
Lord, that we belong to thee.”
In the evening my uncle preached on Hosea xiv. 1, 2. My soul was blest especially in singing the last hymn, in which are these sweet words.
“He’ll never quench the smoking flax,
But raise it to a flame:
The bruised reed he never breaks,
Nor scorns the meanest name.”
Wednesday 16. I arose this morning with some degree of recollection and stayedness upon my spirit. It partly continued all the day; but in the evening, yielding to levity, I lost it. Lord, give me power over a trifling spirit! Give me a continual sense of thy presence! Then I shall not easily yield to this or any other temptation. I retired and read the 3d chapter of Matthew. Went to prayer, and found enlargement in it.
Thursday 17. All this day I was in a very disagreeable frame, which I cannot well describe. I retired, read the psalms, and the 4th of Matthew. O may I like our blessed Lord when tempted, answer the tempter with the word of God. The text this evening was Isaiah liv. 22. Look unto me and be ye saved. My thoughts were very wandering all the time. O when will my mind be constantly fixed on, and looking to that glorious object of our faith and love!
Friday 18. My soul was in a cold dead frame, and so it continued all the day, yea all the week. For tho’ I cannot accuse myself of the omission of any known duty, yet such a total indifferency I have not felt for some time. O that God would give me to see the fatal cause, the accursed thing that keeps my heart from him!
Saturday 19. I was much in the same state, and felt not the least life in any duty till evening. Then the Lord enabled me to pour out my complaints into his compassionate bosom, with great enlargement. When Mrs. L——. met me, I told her my state, she advised me not to let my deadness discourage me, but still to hold on in the ways of the Lord, who perhaps might be proving and trying me to see if I would do so or not. This gave me some comfort, and left me hopes that he would at length come and visit my soul with his salvation.
Sunday 20. My uncle’s text this evening was Luke xiii. 3. I tell ye nay, but except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. The word came with power to my heart. O God, give me grace that I may not prove a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the word, that so I may be blessed in my deed.
Monday 21. I found a desire when I awoke to spend the day to the glory of God, and I made it my earnest prayer to him that he would enable me to do it. I bless God, that through his grace I was serious, and found my mind stayed on him in some measure. O that I may always have a recollected spirit! Thou Lord, hast promised to keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.
Tuesday 22. My mind was in some measure serious, but not as much as the day before. The text to-night was Habakkuk ii. 4. The just shall live by his faith. My thoughts were much drawn off on account of my being to set the tune, lest I should forget it. O how easily doth the enemy get an advantage over me, when I am not standing upon my guard! Lord, give me a watchful spirit!
Wednesday 23. My soul seemed like a barren wilderness, where nothing but weeds and thorns grow; nothing but evil did I find in my heart. O my God, give me thyself; then shall this wilderness become like a watered garden which thou hast planted.
Thursday 24. I found my mind kept in a serious frame all the day, blessed be God.
Friday 25. I continued in a serious frame, which I bless God, lasted all the day. O how much sweeter is it to be in such a state, than to enjoy all that the world calls pleasure! But indeed it is only they who term it so. The people of God see there is no pleasure in these foolish things; for surely nothing can satisfy an immortal soul created for the enjoyment of God, but God himself.
Saturday 26. I have reason to praise the Lord, that I found my soul still serious; this I account a great blessing, especially to me, who am naturally of such a trifling spirit.
Monday 28. When I awoke, my thoughts were still stayed, and I bless God, I was in a serious frame all the day. O my soul, if thou hadst always an awful sense of the divine presence, thou wouldest be always serious and recollected, for it is impossible that a soul which considers God is present should dare to behave in a trifling manner before his awful majesty.
Thursday 31. The evening text was Matthew xi. 28. Come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, &c. My mind was taken up with observing a gentleman and lady who were laughing and talking together all the sermon time. Lord forgive my sin and lay it not to my charge.
Friday February 1. My mind was much stayed on the things of God when I awoke and it continued so all the day.
Saturday 2. My soul was much alive this day, and I was given to see more clearly than ever, the mystery of iniquity which is in my heart. O thou who searchest and triest the reins of the children of men, give me to see more and more of the sinfulness of it, and do thou wash and cleanse it in the blood of Jesus.
Monday 4. This morning we experienced God’s providential care over us; for the chimney of the little parlour took fire, and might have done great mischief had it not been discovered in time. Thus the Lord took care of us ♦where we knew of no danger, and could not take care of ourselves.
Thursday 7. This day my uncle, and Miss H——e sat out hastily for Bristol, ♦where my Aunt B——ly was in great distress, Mr. B——ly having died suddenly, and left her among strangers, with whom she was quite unacquainted till within three or four weeks. O how many unforeseen troubles are we liable to, which are all so many calls to us, to lay up our heart and treasure above.
Sunday 10. Mr. Rodda preached on Matthew iii. 10. The discourse, blessed be God, came with power to my soul. O Lord give me the hearing ear, the seeing eye, and the understanding heart.
Monday 11. This morning being to be taken measure off for our mourning, we were obliged to go out, which dissipated my thoughts very much. O what a little serves to draw our minds from God! But alas they are not so easily drawn off other things; such enemies are we to ourselves.
Tuesday 12. My thoughts were pretty much stayed this day, and I was enabled to resist a temptation not to go to prayer because the weather was cold, and I was unwilling to leave the fire.
Wednesday 13. In the evening I read Miss Cooper’s life and letters. Then we all joyned in prayer. My soul was blest and enlarged in that duty. When I was in bed, I took a review of my past life, and found reason to humble myself before God, for my unfaithfulness in not making a better use of his many mercies to me. But O may I now begin and serve and love him all my days.
Monday 18, Tuesday 19. My soul was in a serious and yet dead frame these days. O may I improve every state I am in; and make the very temptations of the enemy, serve ♦as weapons to fight against him with. Thus shall I by throwing his darts back upon his own head, force him to fly from me.
Thursday 21. I was in a comfortable frame of spirit this day. In the evening whilst I was conversing with my sisters and cousins upon religion, I found my soul greatly blest; and I was much enlarged afterwards in praying with them, blessed be God.
Sunday 24. I finished writing the life of that excellent man, Mr. Blackerby; O may I live his life, die his death, and be in the place where doubtless he now is. There I shall be free from all impurity, all sorrow, all sin, and be eternally out of the reach of death.
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I was in a serious, tho’ dead frame. Lord, quicken, strengthen, and comfort me by thy word, and spirit.
*Thursday 28. Was my birth-day. I found a desire, and resolution, to be more devoted to God the ensuing year, than I was the foregoing. O may the Lord enable me to perform my resolutions. I also found serious reflections on the shortness of life, and thankfulness to God, for sparing me to see fourteen years. O may I let these reflections have their due weight, and influence on all my conduct for the time to come. And always consider that
“My life is a dream,
My time as a stream,
Glides swiftly away:
And the fugitive moments for no one will stay.”
Lord, do thou give me so to number my days, that I may apply my heart unto wisdom.
Saturday, March 2. My uncle returned home, and with him my aunt B——ly, whom I was much rejoiced to see.
Saturday 9. This evening poor Mrs. L——, was taken extreamly ill. It brought many serious reflections to my mind. Well may we say, in the midst of life we are in death. O may I always consider this and never yield to levity, or any thing which is displeasing to a God of the strictest purity, who may strike me dead in a moment; and since I may die this day, let me spend this and every other as tho’ it were my last.
Sunday 17. At night as I sat by the fire-side, I found my soul blest, and many serious reflections brought to my mind, which continued till I went to bed.
Monday 18. I awoke in much the same state, and continued so all the day, blessed be God.
Tuesday 19. The text this evening was John v. 8. Wilt thou be made whole? My heart seemed ♦to reply, Yea, Lord, I will if thou wilt: and of this I need not doubt; for thou art always more ready to give, than I am to receive. O that thou ♠would’st ever
“Make me willing to receive,
All thy goodness waits to give.”
Saturday 23. My soul was much blest, and my heart raised in thankfulness for the many mercies I have received at the hands of my merciful God: at the same time I was humbled under a sense of the ungrateful returns I have made him.
“When all the mercies of my God
My rising soul surveys,
Why, my cold heart, art thou not lost,
In wonder, love, and praise.”
Sunday 24. Mr. Murry, preached from Numbers xxiii. 10. Let me die the death of the righteous, &c. O may I not only die his death, but also live his life; for indeed ’tis impossible to do the former, unless we first do the latter.
Saturday 30. Mr. F——l, in the evening preached on John xx. 19. Peace be unto you. Tho’ I was much tempted with drowsiness under the word, yet some parts of it were greatly blest to me. He afterwards met the society, and told them, that in several places both in this round, and others, numbers were convinced and brought to Christ. O may I be one!
“Into that happy number, Lord,
A weary sinner take,
Jesus, fulfil thy gracious word,
For thy own mercy’s sake.”
Sunday 31. I spent the morning in reading the eight last chapters of Romans, and Mr. Wesley’s notes upon them. Indeed I think they are a most beautiful part of the scripture. O that they and every other part of that holy book may be written upon my heart.
Sunday, April 7. Was Easter-day. I was prevented from hearing the sermon by a violent tooth-ach. O how many pains are we subject to while in this mortal life! But when this mortal shall put on immortality, what a glorious change shall we undergo? Lord, let this change pass upon me, and to that end let me now rise from a death of sin unto a life of righteousness.
“Thy resurrection’s power impart,
And rise triumphant in my heart.”
Thursday 11. At noon, we had the pleasure of the Rev. Mr. John Wesley’s company to dinner; and in the evening he preached on Jeremiah viii. 22. Is there no balm in Gilead, &c. His conversation was very edifying, and God blest it to my poor soul.
Friday 12. At five in the morning, Mr. Wesley preached on Psalms lxxxiv. 1. How amiable are thy tabernacles, O Lord of hosts. At night we took leave of him, and of my uncle, aunt, and Mrs. L——. These at one in the morning set out for Liverpool, and he at five for Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
Sunday 14. I found my mind much oppressed with perplexing thoughts concerning my dear parents. But why, O my soul, dost thou suffer these anxious cares to oppress thy troubled breast? Is not the God who gave me these tender parents at liberty to take them from me? And is he not able to raise me up friends in their room? Besides, this is caring for the morrow. Is it not time enough to make myself uneasy when the trial comes, without anticipating what may never be? Then, O my soul, trust thou in God: for he will be the help of my countenance, and my God.
Saturday 20. I was all this day in a fretful frame, which I too much yielded to. O God, give me power over this, and every other easily besetting sin.
Sunday 21. I read a letter of Miss B——ts to Mr. Wesley, concerning the manner of her bringing up the poor children that she has taken. In which I could not help observing the power of faith. How has she surmounted every difficulty that stood in her way. O may I like her live by faith, till I shall go to live
“Where faith is sweetly lost in sight,
And hope in full supream delight,
And everlasting love.”
Monday 22. Expecting our friends home from Liverpool, Miss H——e, and I sat up to receive them; about twelve at night they came very much fatigued. They informed us of a narrow escape they had met with; the coach they were in was overturned with six people in it, and some on the outside: yet not one was hurt. Surely the providence of God was over them for good. I soon got to bed sleepy enough, and when asleep, I dreamt a very particular dream: *I thought Mrs. L—— bid my cousin A——, and me look out at a window, and we should see an angel, who would tell us comfortable news. We did, and after some time we saw a bright star, which grew brighter and brighter, till an angel appeared exceedingly beautiful and majestic. As he came nearer I was quite overwhelmed at his presence, and could scarce look at him, his lustre so dazzled my eyes. When he approached me, I thought I faintly uttered these words; “Speak, Lord, thy servant heareth.” At this he said, “The Lord has sent me to tell you, that all your sins are forgiven, and will never be remembered against you any more, unless you fall again into sin. He has blotted out your transgressions, and cast them behind his back.” I immediately said, How can these things be? Can I, who am so great a sinner, and have never truly repented be forgiven? He answered; “With God nothing is impossible. Continue waiting upon God in his appointed way, and you will soon find the truth of these promises:” He spoke much to me concerning my unbelief, and then suddenly disappeared, leaving me quite overwhelmed, but much comforted. O that my dream may be shortly fulfilled.
Saturday 27. I was in a very cold dead frame all the day, and when I retired to prayer in the evening, I found no life, but still I had the blessing of waiting upon God, and an earnest desire and panting in my soul for faith, tho’ I could not utter a word. Lord, let me never rest till I get this pearl of great price into my possession; then shall I be truly happy, and not till then.
Sunday, May 5. My uncle met the society, and informed them of his being to leave them soon. The sorrow that sat on every countenance would have drawn tears from any ones eyes, who could in the least sympathize with another’s grief. O Lord what is man! How various, how unforeseen, often are the changes of this short life! Lord, prepare me for whatever thou hast in thy wisdom prepared for me.
Monday 6. We were in a great hurry in packing up all the day, and at night sat up till twelve o’clock. Having a violent cold, I was quite disordered all the next day, so as not to be able to read or pray, or do any thing else as I would. O how does this corruptible body press down the soul! But when it shall escape from this prison of clay, and wing its way to the mansions of eternal joy; how will it exult in the glorious change, and rejoice in being delivered from this dungeon which has so long clogged it with its manifold infirmities!
Thursday 9. In the afternoon we went with Mr. and Mrs. W——h to the old castle on the top of the hill, where it seems Lady Catherine Parr, the last wife of King Henry the VIII. was born. Indeed it is a venerable ruin, and strongly shews what all worldly grandeur must come to. O that I and all that are near and dear to me, may never desire such fading transitory enjoyments! But may we seek for and obtain a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
“Jerusalem, the saint’s abode,
Whose founder is the living God.”
Monday 13. I bless God, I found my soul in a very serious frame this day, having a measure of the spirit of prayer. O may it always continue! *In the afternoon we took a walk to the mount, which was thrown up to batter down the old castle on the top of the hill. It was delightfully pleasant to see all the green fields and the little lonely houses that stand there. I could have liked to stay there all the afternoon, the weather was so calm and serene, and all nature seemed lively and sprightly. O was my soul but illuminated by the Sun of Righteousness as this earth is by the material sun! How happy, how unspeakably happy, would it be in the possession of such a blessing!
“If this felicity were mine,
I every other would resign,
With just and holy scorn:
Chearful and blithe my way pursue,
And with the promised land in view,
Singing to God return.”
Tuesday 14. I found my soul in a serious frame all the day long, blessed be God who kept me so.
Thursday 16. I found my soul alive. My uncle’s text was God is love. 1 John xvi. 4.
Friday 17. I still continued in some measure blest. Lord increase the spark and let it grow into a flame!
Saturday 18. I was much tempted to levity, which I gave way to. But while Mr. C——k was preaching in the evening from these words, O Israel thou hast destroyed thyself: but in me is thine help. Hosea xiii. 9. My soul was much refreshed, and afterwards I was enabled to watch against every thing that might deprive me of it, so that I lay down, and rose with it again the next morning, all thanks be ascribed to God, for had I been left to myself, I should undoubtedly have lost it immediately.
Sunday 19. I awoke in the same watchful spirit, and an eager desire for faith, which I was enabled to pray for with great earnestness.
Monday 20. I yielded so much to levity, that it was with difficulty I forced myself to duty, and when I did, I was quite cold and dead, and my thoughts were wandering on some foolish thing or other. O God deliver me from a trifling spirit.
Tuesday 21. I found myself thoughtful and serious in the morning, but in the afternoon I was overcome by levity. O how soon am I drawn off what is good? But how difficult do I find it to prevail with myself to forsake the evil? For often when the Lord shews me the error of my ways, though for the present I feel sorrow and regret, yet the next temptation that offers finds me ready to comply with it; and this doubtless I should always do, did not God in that moment step in and hinder me by his restraining grace; such a propensity have I to do that which grieves my God and wounds my own conscience.
Saturday 25. In the evening I retired, and entering into a strict self-examination, I found I must own with the royal Psalmist, my inward parts are very wickedness. I saw clearly that I had broken every commandment, therefore were I to be tried by the law of works I must eternally perish. I must come with the Publican, crying, God be merciful to me a sinner. How truly might I say,
“No good word, or work, or thought,
Have I to buy thy grace,
Mercy I accept unbought,
Thy profer I embrace.”
*Sunday 26. In the afternoon we went to Mrs. C——s to see the corpse of her daughter. I was not at all shocked at the sight, but it brought many serious reflections to my mind. How is she who not many months ago was in all the bloom and vigour of youth, cut down like a flower! So, just so, thought I, must I shortly be: I must die, be stretched in a coffin, and laid in the silent grave, and shortly it will be forgot even by my nearest and dearest friends, that there was ever such a person. O may this awful thought never be absent from my mind! How will it lessen my esteem for all these perishing enjoyments! How will it make me spend every precious moment, in preparation for a never-ending eternity! May the Lord grant that when death comes, he may not appear as a king of terrors, but like a welcome messenger sent to carry me to my Father’s house.
Sunday June 2. In the evening my uncle preached his farwell sermon on Acts xx. 27. I have not shunned to declare unto you the whole counsel of God. He repeated briefly the doctrine which he had taught them, and exhorted them to take heed, least the word should rise up in judgement against them in the last day. O may it not against me! For alas as yet I have been a barren fig-tree. Well may I say,