To the READER.
1. TO set the doctrine of Christian perfection too high, is the ready way to drive it out of the world. Let a man only describe it, as implying a freedom from mistakes and human infirmities; and whoever knows there is no such freedom in this life, naturally concludes, “There is no perfection.” Hence we should always carefully guard against this, by insisting, it is no more and no less, than giving God all our heart: loving him with all our heart, and our neighbour as ourselves.
2. This is well consistent with a thousand infirmities, which belong to every soul while in the body. To place this in the clearest and fullest light, I have published the following extract from the artless journal of a plain woman, wrote merely for her own use. I have no doubt, but God had all her heart. But yet how many were her infirmities! And these are the more apparent, because she was a person of no uncommon endowments; one that had just plain, natural understanding, without any advantage of education, and who wrote down daily just what she felt, with all possible artlessness and simplicity. The chief of these are, wandering thoughts (whether natural or preter-natural:) listlessness in private prayer (I believe, entirely owing to bodily disorder:) hurry in business (it seems, not apparent to others, though frequently felt by herself:) want of a steddy, invariable advertence to the presence of God: speaking too many words, more than were strictly necessary: speaking through ignorance, a word not strictly true: speaking sometimes too quick, so as to have the appearance of anger: omission of things which had better be done. Perhaps one might mention likewise under this head, such vehement temptations to anger, to impatience, to fretfulness, to immoderate sorrow, and to follow her own will, that at divers times she escaped with the skin of her teeth, and scarce knew whether she escaped or not. So particular a detail of these things, may be of singular use to those who find the same temptations: and who may be encouraged hereby, to hold the beginning of their confidence stedfast unto the end.
3. But it may be objected, “If perfection means only that love which is consistent with all these infirmities, then how does it differ from what is experienced by every believer?” I answer, 1. Many are delivered from these infirmities, in a far greater measure than she was. I judge her to have been a real witness of Christian perfection, but only in a low degree. 2. Whom do you know that experiences even what she did, that never-failing love of God and man, that uninterrupted calmness of mind, that invariable meekness, gentleness, humility? That continual hunger and thirst after righteousness after the entire image of God? Above all, that absolute, unreserved dependence upon Christ, as the fountain of every good and perfect gift, of all holiness and happiness? Does every believer experience this? I will be bold to say, not one in a thousand. I suppose not one upon earth, unless he has received another gift, widely different from what he received when he was justified. At least I know no one in the three kingdoms, who comes up to this experience, (besides a few in their first love,) unless after justification he has found a second change wrought in a moment. However, concerning that circumstance we need not dispute, whether it be wrought gradually or instantaneously. Only let the change be wrought. Only let our souls be renewed in the whole image of God. Only let all that mind be in us, which was also in Christ Jesus: let him reign in our hearts without a rival; at all times and in all places. Let us be all devoted to him in soul and in body: and let all our thoughts, and words, and actions, be continually offered up to God, as holy sacrifices acceptable to God through Christ.
4. A few more circumstances relating to this amiable woman, may not be unacceptable to the reader. Elizabeth, the daughter of William and Joan Tuck, was born at Penzance, December 20, 1734. She was brought to Redruth, when about four years old, and as she grew up, lived as other harmless people did. June 30, 1755, she was married to one Andrew Harper, a shopkeeper of Redruth; and three or four years after, she became weak and sickly. At the same time she grew distrest in her mind, which she strove to remove by various ways; but all to no purpose. In the latter end of the year 1763, a fever brought her to the brink of eternity. She was greatly afraid to die: and hearing there were some in the town, who had no fear of death, she intreated her husband, without delay, to send for one of the preachers. Conversing with him, she saw the way of conquering the fear of death. She soon recovered her health, and from that time sought the Lord with her whole heart, till on Easter-day (having joined the society before) as she was receiving the Lord’s supper, these words were strongly applied to her soul, It is God that justifieth: who is he that condemneth? She went home, called her husband, and said, “Now all my sins are forgiven. I am not afraid to die now: for I love God, and I know he loves me.”
5. From this time she walked closely with God, and was hearty and zealous in his cause. There was nothing in her power, which she was not ready to do for the servants or children of God. She was exceedingly tempted, after she believed God had cleansed her from inbred sin. Of this she gives a large account in her journal: but she did not cast away her confidence. When she saw death approaching, she was not moved, but calmly looked up to God. She exhorted her husband, and all near her, not to love the world, or the things of the world. A little after she said, “Lord, thou knowest all things: thou knowest that I love thee. Thou knowest, it hath been my only desire, to please thee: Come, Lord Jesus! Come, and sanctify me throughout, spirit, soul and body! O come quickly.” In a little time she cried, “He is come! He is come!” And presently fell asleep.
An EXTRACT from her
JOURNAL.
AUGUST 8, 1765. After breakfast, as I was at prayer, the Lord broke in upon my soul. O may he hasten the happy time, when I shall be filled with his fulness, and assist me to believe to full salvation! O that he would make me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me!
Friday 9. Blessed be his name, he has kept me this day, amidst all the hurry of business. I long to get into the glorious liberty of his dear children. May the Lord increase my faith, and confirm my hope, for my dear Redeemer’s sake!
Saturday 10. I was with some who do not hold “sinless perfection,” as they call it, to be attainable here. Afterwards I found, the talking about their opinion was not of use to me. It only damped my spirit. May the Lord of his great goodness lead me into all truth!
Sunday 11. We were talking of Christian experience, which is useful in its place; but I fear, I talked too much. Lord, give me a tender conscience, “the slightest touch of sin to feel.”
Monday 12. To-day, glory be to his name, I have had power over my besetting sin. I hope, it will not be long before I have an evidence, that he has made an end of my inbred sin. May he ever keep me humble, and fill me with love, more to be desired than gold, yea, than much fine gold. *Afterward I was talking with a Christian friend concerning this blessing; and we saw, that none can receive it, till they feel the want of it first, and that then it must be received by simple faith alone. I said, “Suppose I begin to live now, and believe from this time?” She said, “That is the right way.” Lord I do believe: help my unbelief, and increase my faith more and more. When I was going to bed, I found great confidence in the Lord. May he increase it to the perfect day!
Tuesday 13. Glory be to God, this has been a day of marrow and fat things to my soul. May he keep me low at his feet, and humble me in the very dust before his glorious Majesty!
Wednesday 14. I waked with, Now is the ax laid to the root of the tree. May the Lord root up whatever is not of his own planting! Glory be to his name for what he has done. I have not found any anger rise in me this day. But I was surprised at private prayer two or three times, with something striking me between the shoulders as with a dart. Whatever it is, may the Lord give me power over it, and take it from me in his own due time.
Thursday 15. I was much distrest for a clearer evidence, and cried to God, to increase my faith. In reproving a person, I found something rise as quick as thought. But I looked to the Lord, and it was gone.
Friday 16. Blessed be God, he has shewn me to-day my weakness and helplessness more than ever. I am amazed to see the greatness of God, as well as his unbounded love in Christ Jesus, I see, that unless he save me by free grace, I must perish for ever. This morning I can believe he has given me the blessing. Glory be to God for ever and ever!
Saturday 17. Blessed be his name, that I desire nothing, but to know Jesus Christ, and him crucified; and that I feel, he suffered and died for me. May my heart be ever melted down into the profoundest humility and self-abasement before his awful Majesty!
Tuesday 20. For two or three days I have been confined to my bed, but my mind is stayed upon God: and I loath the very appearance of sin; I would not deceive myself for the world. Lord, give me to try myself by thy word, weigh myself in the balance of the sanctuary!
Wednesday 21. I told one to-day, “If you die in the state you are in, you will go to hell.” I spoke it purely for the good of her soul. Yet the minute I spoke, something shocked me, and I was afraid, it was too harsh. May the Lord pardon what was amiss in it, and enable me to speak in a more proper manner for the time to come!
Thursday 22. O what have I felt this day by anger! May the Lord speak peace anew to my soul, and fill me again with his love, and make an utter end of sin in me, for Jesus Christ’s sake!
Friday 23. I was greatly tempted with anger this day: but glory be to God, it did not break out. May the Lord destroy it, root and branch, for it is the trouble of my soul. May I never be at ease till he roots up this and every bitter root besides!
Saturday 24. Glory be to God, it is still my desire to be cleansed from all sin. And is he not able and willing to do it now? May he enable me to believe, bless me with his love, and keep me ever in it!
Monday 26. Blessed be God, I desire nothing but to be freed from every thing contrary to his love, and to be wholly dedicated to his service. This day I strongly cried to God, to be delivered from all sin, and to have his Spirit witness it to my spirit: and I could plead the promise for it. And whatever sin he saves me from, may I give him all the glory!
Tuesday 27. Glory be to God, this has been a day of longing desire to be filled with his full salvation; and I felt more pain for want of this, than ever I did when under conviction, for want of pardon. I have felt a very sore heart, to be cleansed from the in-being of sin; blessed be God for it. I believe, he is able and willing to do this: I believe, His will is my sanctification. O that I may believe he will do it now! The Lord enable me, to believe it from this time! And may I watch always, pray without ceasing, and in every thing give thanks! May my life be one continual looking-up to Jesus the captain of my salvation!
Wednesday 28. My heart is still sore, because I cannot yet believe, that the Lord has made an end of in-being sin. But I hope to see the happy moment, and to have the divine evidence within me. May I be determined to wrestle for it in mighty prayer, and expect it every moment!
Friday 30. How shall I praise the Lord, for what he has done for my soul? O the love of a dear Redeemer to sinful dust and ashes! Praise the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me praise his holy name.
Sunday, September 1. Lord, enable me to believe. Help my unbelief! Cleanse me from all filthiness of flesh and spirit, that I may perfect holiness in the fear of God.
Monday 2. Glory be to God, tho’ I am tempted; I do not now find any thing in me, to side with the temptation. If the Lord has cast out my enemy, may he keep him out for ever!
*Tuesday 3. Glory be to God, that he has increased my faith. Temptations assault; but they have no place in me. Yet I was jealous over myself, lest I spoke too much, with some of our Christian friends. How careful should we be, particularly among Christians! For then we are too apt to be most off our guard.
Wednesday 4. I find I am solemnly staid on God: and my one desire is, to comprehend the length, and breadth, and depth, and height of that love which passeth knowledge. Yet the enemy presses sore at me with temptations; but I have power from God to stand against them. O how shall I praise the Lord for his goodness? May silence speak his praise!
Saturday 7. Glory be to God, he does increase my faith. But I have been much troubled with wandering thoughts. The Lord give me power to overcome them all, and look every moment to my dear Redeemer!
*Sunday 8. Glory be to God, that we have once more seen thy servant, Mr. John Wesley in the body. But this morning, being glad to see our friends, I doubt, I was carried away with over-much joy. May the Lord keep me on such occasions upon my watch-tower for the time to come!
Monday 9. Blessed be God, I can still believe. Satan thrusts sore at me with his fiery darts. But they have no point: they cannot enter my soul: the Lord keeps me in the trying hour.
Thursday 12. I rose with new desires to seek the Lord, and I found him at the morning preaching. After dinner, some of our neighbours were talking of one that had wronged them, and I thought it was better I should be reading my bible. So I withdrew. Glory be to God who gave me light to see, and power to take the safer path. In the evening some were pleading for a wilderness-state. I told them, that was not the Lord’s will concerning us: and I found freedom to tell them what he had done for my soul. O may he keep me low at his feet, depending upon him every moment for fresh supplies of grace!
Friday 13. Thanks be to God, I am at peace with God and all men, and love them all for Christ’s sake. I see, I am myself all weakness: yet I can do all things through Christ’s strengthening me. His mercies are new unto me every morning. O may he give me a thankful heart!
Sunday 15. I was much tempted with wandering thoughts at church, and to anger about the children: but, glory be to God, I perceived the enemy in his first approach, and looked for strength, and received it. May the Lord give me a watchful, praying spirit, and fill my soul with humble love!
Monday 16. Was the quarterly meeting, and Mr. W. was there. I wanted to go; but continually another and another business interposed. I was often tempted to impatience; but I saw the temptation just as it came, and it fled away. At the love-feast, I stood up to speak: but I had only spoke two or three words, when Mr. Furz (I suppose not hearing me) concluded. I was tempted to be displeased; but it took no place, the Lord giving me strength.
Tuesday 17. What a solemn morning was this! Dear Mr. W. preached his farewel sermon. May the Lord graft it on my heart, and brighten my evidence more and more. I have had reasonings to-day, whether the work was done: but glory be to God, I cannot doubt of it. I cannot doubt, but he has cast out sin. May he keep it out for ever!
*Wednesday 18. I am afraid, lest I should think something of myself. O may the Lord keep the foot of pride from me! It is of his free mercy that I am out of hell, and that I am preserved to this hour. And I must still perish, if he were extreme to mark my misdoings, and if he did not wash my most holy things in his blood.
Thursday 19. Blessed be God, I have been stayed upon him this day, and desiring to be filled with all his fulness. O for this spirit of prayer at all times, and in all places, to set the Lord always before me!
Saturday 21. My whole desire, is to have every thought, word and work, brought into the obedience of Christ, and to have my soul always ascending to God, wherever I am, and whatever I am about. This evening he was pleased to brighten my evidence. May he wash and keep me clean every moment!
Wednesday 25. This has been a day of temptation and trial on every side; but glory be to God, I could rejoice in the midst of it. May the Lord always give me to see the difference between sin and temptation!
Thursday 26. I often feel a soreness of heart, as sore as if it had been cutting. May the Lord give me to know, whether it is from him, or from any thing I have done amiss! If it is, may he bring it to my mind, that I may bring it to him and have it done away!
Sunday 29. I have found this a solemn day to my soul: especially at church in the morning, at the noon preaching, and in the afternoon, while three of us were conversing together on spiritual things. O may we meet, where we shall cast our crowns before the Lamb, and praise him to all eternity!
Monday 30. I know what the soreness of heart means. Truly I am sick of love. Come into thy garden, my love, my dove, thou chiefest of ten thousand! O what amazing love, that thou and thy Father should condescend to dwell with dust and ashes! Thou God of love, make me truly thankful for all thy benefits!
Thursday, October 3. This morning the body craved rest; but I forced myself to rise. Indeed, my delight is in the law of the Lord, and in his law do I exercise myself day and night. It was an happy day. But toward evening I was not so lively. My body sunk under me. And the enemy of souls is ready at every turn. But, blessed be God, I was more than conqueror.
Friday 4. I was greatly blessed with the love of God. O how happy is it, to love him with all our heart? Yet in the afternoon, thro’ hurry of business, I was much tempted to peevishness. But glory be to God, he saved me from it. Let me die rather than offend him!
Saturday 5. I went to bring home my little child from my mother-in-law’s. On the road I called to see a neighbour, who asked for my husband and mother. I said, without thinking, they gave their service to her. But how was I surprised, as soon as the words were out of my mouth! I cried to God for pardon, yet continued in heaviness all the day, and at night was almost afraid to go to sleep. In the morning, while several of us were at prayer, it pleased God to set me at liberty.
Tuesday 8. I had great freedom in prayer with my friends, before I came away. I had a solemn sense of God all the way home, admiring his wisdom and greatness and goodness in all his works. But I am afraid, when I said, “Put the best cloth on my pillion, not the maid’s,” lest there should be pride in it. If there was, Lord, take it all away, and save me from it for the time to come!
Friday 11. I was much out of order in body, yet happy in soul. But at noon I spoke a word unadvisedly, which afflicted me much. The Lord pardon me, and give me power to watch over my every thought, and word, and action!
Saturday 12. This being the fair-day, was a time of much hurry: but, blessed be God, I was kept in peace. And often I enjoy blessed communion with God, and can, as it were, grasp my Saviour with earnest affection. Indeed he is precious to my soul. He is all I desire in earth or heaven.
Sunday 13. Thinking of going to Truro, I cut a piece of oil-case, and pinned on my bonnet, to keep off the rain. But it came to me soon after, “Have not you been doing work on the Lord’s-day?” I was affrighted, and cried to God: and quickly his peace flowed back into my heart.
Tuesday 25. I was assaulted by a strong temptation to lightness. But, glory be to God, I was not overcome. Afterwards I was roughly accused, for speaking a word that was not took well. If I sinned therein, may the Lord humble me for it, and teach me to guard my words. May I live no longer, but to adorn the gospel of God my Saviour.
Friday 18. I was tempted to set my heart on our garden. But I cried for help and was delivered. I hope to use both this, and every thing else, with a single eye to the glory of God. Blessed be God, I have solid, settled peace; and find my heart enlarged, to promote his glory as far as lies in my power. May he assist me, and keep me to the end!
Saturday 19. Glory be to God, I see and feel my own weakness more and more. My soul is greatly drawn out after God, for a larger measure of grace. O may I be throughly
“Willing to receive,
What thy goodness waits to give!”
Tuesday 22. This has been a day of trial, even from my nearest friend. But, glory be to God, I have been kept in peace; though without Christ I cannot stand a moment. I long to be nearer Christ, and to have a more awful sense of God’s presence in my ♦worldly business. Lord, take away the spirit of forgetfulness from me, and let me set thee always before me.
Friday 25. I was waked this morning by the cries of my little child, who was very ill. I asked the maid to get up, and light the fire. She was unwilling, and spoke quick. I answered quick, “I wonder you can lie by the child, and hear him cry so.” Immediately I felt a danger of anger, and stopped short, glory be to God.
Saturday 26. I kept my bed most part of the day, and was likewise heavy in spirit, and had hardly any power to pray. But in the evening I was greatly comforted, in thinking how glorious the change would be, when this mortal would put on immortality, and death be swallowed up in victory.
Monday 28. My little boy continued exceeding ill: I was quite resigned concerning him, only desiring it might please God, to ease his pain, either by life or by death. But I want more patience: I want a more feeling sense of the sufferings of our Lord, which he endured for me, though he knew no sin. And shall I, who deserve hell, complain of any thing?
Saturday November 2. My child being very unruly, I had a struggle to avoid anger in correcting her. May the Lord enable me, to keep my watch every moment; otherwise I cannot but fall.
Monday 4. This has been a blessed day of communion with God, particularly in private prayer. And yet I feel sin and Satan always near. But I find Christ nearer still.
Wednesday 6. Glory be to God, my whole desire is, to know more of myself, and more of God: to see more of God in every thing, and to be filled with a deeper awe of his constant presence.
Thursday 7. Blessed be the Lord for patience, under the unkind treatment of my nearest and dearest friends. I have been this week much drawn out in prayer, for the souls of all people. But I longed most of all for the prosperity of Sion, and that the Lord might ever reign supreme in mine own heart.
Tuesday 12. Some part of the day, I was dull and heavy; till I cried to the Lord, and he quickened me. In the afternoon, when the maid spoke, I felt lightness flashing on me as quick as lightning. But the Lord lifted up his standard against it: and it went as quick as it came. May he keep me from it as from the greatest of sins; for indeed there is no little sin in the sight of God.
Wednesday 13. This has been a day of strong prayer, and God has blessed me in a glorious manner. Yet the powers of darkness surrounded me in private prayer, so that sometimes I was almost afraid. But I cried to the Lord, and he refreshed my soul; and I could say with dear confidence, Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
Monday 18. I spoke a word unawares, which I was afterwards afraid, was not true. Then it came to me, “Where is your clean heart now?” But immediately I cried to God, “Lord, give me power to watch over my words, and always to think before I speak.”
Wednesday 20. Blessed be God, he has kept me this day also, and refreshed me with the showers of his grace. Yet the enemy questioned my evidence, and said, it was only justification which I experienced. But I know him to be a liar from the beginning. Afterwards, in the hurry of business, he strove to sow peevishness in me: but I begged the Lord to keep me from it, and he heard me.
Saturday 23. I was heavy in soul, and had many profane words brought before me. Sometimes also it was suggested, “Thou wilt destroy thyself:” at other times, “Thou hast committed the unpardonable sin.” The Lord keep me in the hour of temptation, and from the hour of temptation!
Monday 25. This was a blessed day to my soul. My mind was solemnly stayed on God. All the clouds were dispersed, and the sun of righteousness shone upon me again.
Tuesday 26. Our leader not coming, I was desired to lead the band. It was a cross to me, for fear I should not discharge my duty. But the Lord gave me a word to speak to each, and power to wrestle for them in prayer. Yet at night, I had much reasoning, whether I had spoken right; and then it was suggested, I had done well. The Lord give me power to flee from pride, in every kind and degree!
Thursday 28. Blessed be God, Christ was exceeding precious to me this morning. O what love had I for Christ! The Lord fill me with love every moment!
Saturday 30. I find my short-comings daily, and am amazed at the goodness of God. I was much distressed this evening, because, ♦I did not take up my cross, and give thanks after tea, though we had strangers. The Lord pardon me for it, and make me bolder for the time to come!
Tuesday, December 3. Blessed be God, he raised me up to hear his word. And it was spirit and life to my soul. O what has he done for me, a sinner? He has saved me from guilt and from in-bred corruption, and has filled me with love. Now let patience have its perfect work!
Wednesday 4. Pride has presented itself to-day: but I looked unto God, and there was nothing in me to join with it: glory be to his name! I found great love to my sisters, and to some in particular. Sometimes I think, whether it is only a natural love: but I am soon assured, I love them only for Christ’s sake. Indeed my heart is inlarged toward all mankind; though particularly the people of God. But I want more faith and patience. I want to be more humble and meek. O may I be all like a little child!
*Friday 6. I used abstinence; and mourned, that I could not deny myself more. When I think, what my Lord suffered for me, what a little is it, to suffer the loss of an ordinary meal for him? O may it be my meat and drink, to do his blessed will on earth, as it is done in heaven!
Saturday 7. I advised with some of my friends, about dressing meat on Sunday. So I dressed meat to-night for our dinner to-morrow, according to their advice, and resolved hereafter (whoever was pleased or displeased) to obey God rather than man. I had afterwards some sharp words concerning it: but a soft answer turned away wrath.
Tuesday 10. We had sharp words again to-day, but, glory be to God, I had patience. I did not make any reply, and found nothing but love in my heart. May God give me the whole mind which was in my blessed Lord!
Thursday 12. Amidst the troubles and trials of the ungodly, I had the refreshing springs of my Lord’s love and grace. At night I was dull and sleepy before family-prayer: but then the Lord quickened my soul. I have been begging of him to-day more faith, more watchfulness, more humility: more understanding in his word, more knowledge of Satan’s devices, and power to shun them at the first approach. And O may he wash my best performances in his precious blood! May I still take great delight in the law of the Lord, and keep his commandments with my whole heart!
*Sunday 15. After I went to bed, I was much distrest, for cutting a ribband to wear. I was never till now convinced, that it was prophaning the Lord’s-day: blessed be God for convincing now! O what trouble was I in for a quarter of an hour! But I cried to God, and he rose on my soul again. May he abide therein, till time shall commence a glorious eternity!
Tuesday 17. I had a difficult talk in the evening, being obliged to lead the band. O how insufficient am I for such a work! I did not think it was so great a thing before. The Lord pardon whatever I said amiss. There seemed to be a cloud over us in prayer. If the cause was in me, the Lord reveal it, and take it away, for Christ’s sake!
Sunday 22. The enemy presented pride to me: but, blessed be God, I looked to him, and it fled away. I hope, he will never be able any more to sow this seed in my heart.
Monday 23. Glory be to God, I have found more love to my dear Saviour to-day than ever I did. O what hungering and thirsting did I feel, to do his will, as it is done in heaven?
Wednesday 25. This has been a blessed day to my soul; though I was grieved for the sloth of some of our family, who would not rise to the early preaching. The Lord stir them up to redouble their diligence. The enemy accused me to-day, of going with too much boldness to the Lord’s table. But I know it is only free grace that has enabled me so to do.
Friday 27. This has been a day of trial: but blessed be God, I was kept in perfect peace. Yet I could not but feel heaviness for my dear friends, to think of their precious, never-dying souls. The Lord give me a tender concern for them, and enable me to pray for them, and never cease.
*Tuesday 31. I spoke an improper word, which threw me into great heaviness. But I cried to God, “Lord, thou knowest, I would not offend thee willingly: I would sooner put my hand in the fire.” And he was graciously pleased to bless me that instant. But I saw, while I was at prayer, that I had been talking about religion in too light a manner. The Lord pardon me, and give more awe and reverence, for the time to come!
Wednesday, January 1, 1766. I found an increase of love to God and his people. In the evening the power of God was upon the congregation, in a glorious manner. We sat under the droppings of his sanctuary, and rejoiced in him with joy unspeakable.
Thursday 2. Glory be to God, my heart was inlarged, to love him with every faculty of my soul, with most ardent love to the children of God, and tender affection to all men.
Tuesday 7. My dear M—— raged against me much. Lord lay not the sin to her charge! And say to the enemy, “Hitherto shalt thou go, and no farther.” I am much out of order in body, and do not find my spirit so lively as it was; perhaps through bodily weakness. But I can still rejoice in God, and love him with all my heart.
Thursday 9. I was tempted to peevishness this morning; but I prayed, and it found no place in me. I had likewise thoughts about my husband, because he did not come home so soon as I expected. But I looked to the Lord, and was resigned to whatever he would please to lay upon me.
Saturday 11. This has been a day of sore temptation: yet mine enemy gained no advantage over me. But I want to bear the cross more chearfully; for to-day I wept under it: though it was only, to think one who professed religion, should act so contrary to it.
Sunday 12. The enemy was let loose ♦upon me inwardly, as well as outwardly. He suggested, “What will become of thee? Thou wilt make an end of thyself, and be cast away at last.” I had scarce power to look to God, and thought it did not signify to strive any more. But, before I slept, he returned and healed my soul. May he give more liberty, love and power!
Saturday 18. I have been much out of order for several days, and have not rose to the morning preaching. If there is any sloth in me, the Lord give me to see it; I am not sensible of it. And I hope the Lord accepts of the will, as the power is taken from me. In the evening, my brother-in-law being with us, and my husband being unwilling to pray, I delayed praying till my brother was gone to bed. But it came to me afterward, “Who art thou that thou art afraid of a man that shall die?” The Lord pardon me for it. I hope whether my husband prays or no, I shall not omit it for the time to come.
Monday 27. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to such a rebel as me! What blessings has he given me this day? How happy have I been in his love? May he keep the door of my mouth, that I may never more speak unadvisedly with my lips! And above all, may he keep my heart, that I may no more reason against him.
Wednesday 29. Blessed be God, Christ has been exceeding precious to me to-day. O how my heart was enlarged to poor souls! If I could have my liberty, I would spend all the time in the service of God, and have nothing to do with the world. Yet I see my own helplessness more and more, and that it is of pure love I am out of hell.
Friday 31. To-day I had a solemn sense of God, while I was in my business, and had much watchfulness over my words, saying continually in my heart, “The Lord sees me!” Glory be to his name!
Monday, February 3. Glory be to God this has been a solemn day to my soul. In the evening my poor M—— raged greatly: but I was enabled to stand in the hour of trial.
Sunday 9. Blessed be God, my evidence was as clear as the shining of the sun. Yet in the evening I was much tempted by the enemy, causing many wicked oaths to pass before my mind. But in the midst of all I could rejoice in God, knowing in whom I had believed.
Monday 10. Blessed be God, I desire nothing, but to drink deeper and deeper of his spirit. I see my evidence clear; but I see more and more of my own weakness, and long to live more to his glory. I am jealous over myself, because I do not rise in the morning as I used to do. Surely it is not because I shun the cross: for I do love him with all my whole heart. May he deepen his work of grace in my soul, and stamp his whole image upon my heart!
Friday 21. Two men coming in, one of whom was in drink, as we were going to drink tea, I thought it would be more form than devotion, to ask a blessing openly. So I shunned the cross. But I suffered for it afterward. The Lord be praised, that he did not enter into judgment with me, but gave me time to draw near him through the Son of his love. May he make me more fruitful for the future.
Saturday 22. I was twice tempted to-day to anger in the shape of zeal. But I saw the snare, blessed be God, and fled from it. In the evening I was much distressed with wandrings in the public service: all which I believe, proceeded from my omission yesterday. The Lord help me to watch and pray more, lest I enter into temptation!
Monday 25. At the love feast, I was in pain most of the time, longing to break through: and yet I could not declare what God had done for my soul. The Lord pardon me for my omission! I believe he is deepening his work in me. He does sit upon me as a refiner’s fire.
Thursday 27. Glory be to God, he discovers more and more of his love, to me the unworthiest of his creatures. Yet, I doubt, I was not so watchful as I ought, some part of this day. And I fear, I lay in bed too long this morning. The Lord help me to use more violence to myself!
Monday, March 3. Glory be to God, I enjoy perfect peace amidst the storms of an ungrateful world. In trials from the world, and trials from them of my own houshold, he is my strong hold, to which I always resort. Yet I find the company of the world a great burden, when I am obliged to be with them in my business. I want power to reprove them more. The Lord help me in this also!
Thursday 6. Glory be to God I am amazed when I think of his goodness and my unworthiness. How did he bless me this evening at the room? I found I was all light in the Lord. How pure has he made my heart through faith! It is all of grace, free grace. This was a day of trial: but, blessed be God it was no trial to me, because the Lord took off the burden. Only I was concerned for their souls. Lord, save them, for thy dear name sake!
Monday 10. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day. O how did he bless me this evening? I wept to see the goodness of God in Christ Jesus toward me and all poor sinners. I find indeed a busy foe. But his grace is sufficient for me. I have my evidence still clear. The Lord give me to pray always: make me thankful, keep me humble, and keep me to the end!
Thursday 13. I was attacked with a light spirit to-day, which I dread and abhor. And all the company was assaulted with it at the same time: but the Lord sent us help in the time of need.
Friday 21. I rose to the preaching this morning, though my body complained. Still, in the midst of trials, my desire is, to know more of God and to live nearer to him. I had peace all this day, and power to look to God, in all the hurry of my business. Glory be to his holy name, for all is blessings, temporal and spiritual.
Sunday 23. I was much grieved at church, to hear people mocking God, by saying what they do not believe, and what they will flatly deny, as soon as they are out of church. It made me doubt, whether I ought to go to church or not? But I considered, I am not to look to them: I am to look to God only.
Monday 31. Blessed be God, that I am out of hell, that I have hope of seeing him in glory, and that he gives me now to commune with him, even as a man with his friend. Yet I want to be more watchful over my words. I believe it is my privilege to speak no more words than are necessary, and to the glory of God. The Lord pardon me for speaking amiss to-day, and keep me every moment watching unto prayer!
Tuesday, April 1. This has been a day of blessed humiliation to my soul, on account of my past life. I stand amazed at the goodness of God toward me. Blessed be his name, for giving me this evenness of mind. But I have need, to come out of myself more, and to rely more on Christ: the Lord increase my faith, and enable me so to do!
Friday 11. Blessed be God, for the peace I still enjoy amidst a world of business: But I want to sink down continually into the depths of humble love. I have not to-day so much comfort as I often enjoy. But I can rely upon my God: and I can appeal to him, it is my one care, to please him in all things.
Sunday 13. Glory be to God, for a peace that passeth all understanding. But I have not felt so much of his quickning power to-day as in time past. I have examined myself, and besought the Lord to shew me, if there was any evil in me. I do not find any; and it came to me, Stand still, and see the salvation of God. I have a solid peace: and though I have not so much liveliness in duty as usual, yet I find more watchfulness over my words and actions. But still how short am I of what I would be?
Sunday 20. Blessed be God, for giving me a resigned will, in the hour of trial. It has been expected these three days, that every moment would be the last with my dear little boy. Yet he keeps my mind in perfect peace. But the enemy is very busy, accusing me of hard-heartedness, for not weeping more. However, I am kept in the fire and in the water. And the Lord prepare me for whatever I have to go through!
*Friday 25. I am at present much fatigued in body, and very low in spirits. The Lord was pleased to take my dear little George to himself on Wednesday morning. He supported me in a wonderful manner: but I have found the trial nearer to-day than ever. The Lord grant I may not grieve his holy Spirit! And whatever thy purer eyes have seen amiss in me already, cover with the mantle of forgiving love! May we humble ourselves under thy mighty hand! May it be a means of pressing us closer to thee! And may we follow on, to meet our dear infants, in the upper and better world!
Saturday 26. Glory be to God, that I am still on praying ground. His grace is still sufficient for me, though I find a trying world, and a tempting enemy: sometimes I feel my child very near. The Lord pardon me, if it is wrong! Give me more of the life and power of God in my soul, and keep me from a dead form of religion!
Sunday 27. Since last night, I have been in heaviness through temptations against my husband. O Lord, be pleased to disperse the cloud and shine on thy own work! Besides, we have been exposed to-day, to the company of carnal friends. Lord, pardon our backwardness in reproving, and give us more courage for God, and make us thankful, that he hath made us to differ and give me more of that fire of love in my heart!
Tuesday 29. Glory be to God, he returned to his temple this evening. The meeting of the bands was a blessed means of grace to me. When our brethren and sisters spoke of the goodness of God, it was spirit and life to my soul. Yet I was myself backward to speak, and when I attempted it, was seized with trembling all over. But at last, blessed be God, he opened my mouth, and then all my burden dropt off. Lord, help me always to tell of thy goodness, and keep me in thy laws, till grace end in glory!
*Thursday, May 1. I have kept my bed most of the day, being in much pain. O how unfit are we at such a time, for so great a work as working out our salvation! Let none postpone their repentance to a sick-bed: it is work enough then, to struggle with sickness and pain. But how pleasant is a sick-bed, when perfumed with the love of God, and when we have a precious Christ in our bosom? Come life, come death, with my dear Jesus, and life or death is sweet.
Tuesday 6. Lord, I beg this one thing at thy hand, the salvation of my dear mother! She is now under thy afflicting hand. Be pleased to sanctify her affliction: and let it be to the saving of her soul, for thy dear Son’s sake.
Wednesday 14. Glory be to God, he has given me to-day a sight of myself and of my numberless infirmities. But he has not been extreme to mark what was done amiss: blessed be his name for Jesus Christ! O that I may have more of the mind that was in him, more of a meek, quiet, teachable spirit. May I now begin! May I now set out with double diligence! May I run, and not be weary; walk, and not faint!
Friday 16. I had reasoning about going to church, whether it was necessary to go so often? But when I brought it to the word of God, I saw, after we have done all, we are unprofitable servants. Lord let me resist him stedfast in the faith.
Thursday 22. Yesterday I was troubled concerning one of our brethren; but resolved to tell no one what I heard, unless himself or his wife. This afternoon they came to my house, and I told them all I had heard. They told me just how the thing was, and I found it was a meer mistake. So Satan was disappointed of his aim, and our love to each other confirmed.
Sunday 25. Hearing of the distress of some of my neighbours, my heart overflowed with thankfulness, to think God had provided me and mine with temporal blessings also. His care was over me in my youth likewise, not leaving me to my own choice. But I praise him above all, for his pardoning love, and for full redemption through the blood of Jesus.
Thursday 29. Glory be to God, I found an unspeakable blessing at the morning preaching, and again in private prayer; but above all, at the meeting of the select society. And, I think, so did every one present. I was at first unwilling to speak; but I knew, not to speak would be grieving the Spirit of God. So I broke through, as did several others: and we were all so filled with consolation, that we could only say,
“Enlarge our heart, to make thee room.”
Thursday, June 5. Glory be to God, that he hath given me a thankful heart, for his love toward me even in my early days! How did his kind hand preserve me, when I did not know him? How did it carry me through the heedless steps of youth, keep me from the malice and intrigues of all my enemies, and at last bring me to his dear self, and to the knowledge of his love! And though the storms now rise high, yet blessed be his name, all is calm within. Lord, be pleased to have pity upon Satan’s instruments, and save their dear souls. I find nothing rises in my heart against them: but I am constrained to mourn for them: especially for those who have known God, and do not live to his glory.
Tuesday 10. I find it a heavy burden to be in the company even of those that are called civil people. But as I am called to take up this cross, may the Lord enable me to bear it. Lord, let me rely wholly on thee. I feel thou art all in all! Thou art my strength, as well as my righteousness. Without thee I can do nothing.
Tuesday 17. I did not enjoy so large a measure of love as I have sometimes done. What is the reason I know not: the Lord pardon me for it, and give me to see that all my doings are as filthy rags in the sight of a pure God: and that I want the precious blood of my Redeemer to interpose for me every moment. I feel the same want of him that ever I did: I believe I am written on the palms of his hands. But still I want more of the life and power of religion: I am hungry and thirsty after this.
Wednesday 18. I was tempted this morning to resentment: but, glory be to God, it could not enter. Lord, search me and prove me, empty me of myself and fill me all with God. For ever wash, and keep me clean, and let Christ be all in all.
Wednesday 25. I found indifference about going to church. I begged of the Lord to direct me, and immediately the reasonings disappeared. In the afternoon I poured out my soul before him, and prayed till I could scarce speak. I long for a closer communion with God, and for more wisdom and understanding in his ways.
Tuesday, July 8. Glory be to God, I am still the monument of his free mercy. Amidst a world of business and hurry, I still enjoy peace, and commune with God, as a man with his friend. I have not so much joy as in time past; but my faith is strong, and I enjoy a calm peace. And when temptation comes as a flood, his spirit lifts up a standard against it. Meeting in band at night, I was quite stript, and felt my nothingness. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, because his compassions fail not.
*Tuesday 22. Glory be to God, I am still assured that the Lord has given me a clean heart, and renewed a right spirit within me; and I can have no doubt of it, though I am not so overflowed with joy in the means of grace as I have been. But I have a calmness and power which I never had in so great degree, in the midst of the closest trials. Only I am grieved for sinners, and pray that the Lord would pluck them as brands out of the burning.
Friday 25. This evening I have been at the interment of an acquaintance. What nothings we are, and how soon turned to our mother earth? Should not this thought cause us to live in love and peace with all men? And to live as expecting the messenger of death every moment?
Saturday, August 2. I have been for several days much disordered in body. In my illness I had hardly power to pray, or to do any thing. O may I prize health more, and make full use of it, when the Lord sends it. Glory be to God, I had no fear of death, and no anxious care for my children. I only wanted more power to praise God. And will he not give that and all things? O cleanse me from my secret faults! And let no sin ever more prevail over me!
*Wednesday 6. Blessed be thy name, I do not find any thing within to close with temptations. Yesterday anger presented as quick as thought; but it found no entrance. Yet shame covered me, for fear any that were present might discern the appearance of it. And I begged the Lord to shew me, if there was any evil root left? As far as I know myself, I do not find there is: I do firmly believe, he hath purified me from all sin. But I am big with the desire of living nearer God: O how dear was he to me this night? Thou art altogether lovely: thou art fairer than the sons of men.
Thursday 14. Glory be to God, there has been a cry in my dear mother’s soul all this day. Lord, increase it! Thou hast set her sins in array before her. May she never rest till she rests in thee!
Friday 22. I went three or four miles this evening to the preaching: My mind was solemnly stayed on God; but I was not very lively: my husband being talking most of the way about worldly affairs. O Lord, direct him in all his ways, and let nothing hurt his precious soul.
Saturday 30. I have been much disordered in body all this day; but, glory be to God, have enjoyed calmness of spirit. Yet I have been grieved to see some of my family, so busy about the world, and so little concerned for their poor souls, but trifling away their precious moments. Lord, let me redeem the time! Let me never rest in any thing I have attained: but still press on, till I know all that love of God that passeth knowledge!
Thursday September 4. Blessed be God for the comfort I had in hearing dear Mr. W. at Penryn. I was tempted to impatience, both in the morning, when my husband stayed long before he set out: and at noon, when I was disappointed of being in Mr. W.’s company. But I looked up, and felt nothing but calmness and quietness of spirit.
Tuesday 9. I waked between four and five, with praises in my mouth. Glory be to God, I find an inlarged heart, to run the ways of the Lord with great delight. His love is sweeter than honey to my taste, and my will is swallowed up in his.
Sunday 14. A cold almost disabled me from speaking, which gave me to see the great blessing of speech. Lord, help me to use it more to thy glory! This afternoon, blessed be God, we had the happiness of having dear Mr. W.’s company. Lord imprint his exhortations deep on my heart! And may all the words he delivered be watered with the dew of thy heavenly grace!
Tuesday 16. Glory be to God, he has kept me in the hour of strong temptation. The enemy bears me a tyrannous hatred, and stirs up my bosom friends against me. Lord, thou knowest they lay to my charge things I know not. But thou art to me a place of broad rivers. And these light afflictions will work out for me an eternal weight of glory.
Wednesday, October 1. Blessed be God, he keeps me in trials from those who are nearest and dearest to me. What a powerful energy has love? It keeps my soul in perfect peace, while all around me is storm and tempest.
Saturday 25. I have the greatest reason to bless God of any creature: for he gives me great hope, that my dear husband will not proceed on his intended voyage. He seems at length to see the strength of the objections against it. I wept over him last night, and reasoned with him in much love, till one o’clock in the morning. And, glory be to God, whatever it was to him, it was a blessed means of grace to me.
Monday, November 3. At night I was much frighted between sleeping and waking, I believe, by the enemy. I was afraid I had offended my Lord, by not going to church yesterday in the afternoon. I besought the Lord to pardon me for the omission; and he soon spoke the answer to my heart.
Wednesday 5. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day, and for giving me more patience and more watchfulness. Indeed I was tempted to anger against my husband, and afterwards to lightness. But help was at hand. O that I may be more thankful! Lord, may thy pure love always fill my soul: and do thou water me every moment!
Monday 24. I was calm and serene all this day, and had power to restrain my words. But in the evening I was much tempted, when one told me, Mr. Mason designed to make me leader of a band. I found it hard to leave my sisters, and harder still to undertake so important a charge. When he gave me the paper the next day, I was closely exercised. And when I came to the band, it was a great mountain, and I was full of shame and confusion. But when I began to speak, I found a little freedom, and, blessed be God, he helped my infirmity. Afterwards I found the same power to pray, as if we had been together some time. Lord, bless us together, and let me be always little, and base, and vile in my own eyes!
Friday 28. Glory be to God, this has been a blessed day. My soul has been full of love to the people of God, my band in particular. And the Lord gives me more light into myself, more freedom from wanderings and evil reasonings, and more power to check my own spirit. But O! the mighty void I saw in myself! I never saw it so before. This constrained me to wrestle with the Lord. And he did not send me empty away.
Monday, December 1. Glory be to God, the Sun of Righteousness shone on my soul all the day long. Whenever Satan was nigh, I looked to him, and was instantly saved. He gave me a clear sight of the work of my soul, and a brighter evidence than ever, accompanied with the pure streams of his love pouring down into my heart.
Friday 5. Glory be to God, I found a tender conscience, and power to set the Lord always before me. And I can now enjoy my God in my business, as well as in my duty. My heart is constantly stayed upon him, and I long for more of that living principle within. O that thou wouldst fill me with heaven, with love, with God!
*Saturday 6. I find my soul is, as a well of water, springing up into everlasting life. But I thirst for more. Blessed be God, he does keep my soul in perfect peace, and in the midst of fire and water, give me patience, with an hope full of immortality. But I feel a great soreness of spirit, for those of my family. Lord, give them to know themselves, and direct them in all things! Take the cause into thine hands, and enable me, to stand still, and see the salvation of God.
Tuesday 12. Glory be to God, I enjoy peace and power, in the midst of multitudes and hurry of business. My eye is still single toward the mark of my high calling, and my one desire, to live more to God.
Friday 19. It was a cross to me to rise in the morning, but I was well rewarded for taking it up. I was very lively all day; but in the afternoon was suddenly tempted to lightness; so were all of us who afterwards met in band; but the temptation soon fled away. My soul is alive to God, and only longs to fathom more of the depths of humble love.
Monday 22. My soul’s desire this day has been, to sink down into the depth of humility. I see my helplessness, and feel the want of my Redeemer’s merits every moment. But how often does my own will present itself! Yet it prevails nothing. I want to be always as clay in the hands of the potter, and to be all moulded into love! As far as I know, I do love the Lord with all my heart. But I want to have all vain reasonings destroyed.
Saturday, January 3, 1767. I was greatly blessed to-night, in a weeping state, and mourned before the Lord for the sins of others. Yet at some times, quickness presented itself, but only as a flying cloud. I found a great reverence to-night, while I said, Our Father. May this awful sense of his Majesty rest upon me, wheresoever I go!
Thursday 8. I was tempted to think lightly of my husband, as if he was always asking, but not watching. I was much disordered in body, which weighed down my mind when I waited on the Lord in private. But, on reading the second chapter of Zechariah, my soul revived greatly: and I had a lively sense of his sparing mercy; but still more, in talking with a dear friend. I could then see, what a sinner I had been in times past, in wishing for my own will; and could bless the Lord, that not my will, but his, had taken place. O, may a due sense of the love and mercies of God be ever engraven on my heart!
Tuesday 13. Glory be to God for shewing me, I had done amiss, in reproving my husband before company, and for giving me to be humbled on the account, and to acknowledge my fault. And blessed be God for the Christian conversation we have had together this evening, wherein we have seen, what advantage Satan had gained over us in time past. We had power to speak to one another with all freedom, of the state of our souls; and I trust this will be the beginning of happy days between us.
Sunday 18. Blessed be God, I have to-day found much life and light in my soul at church. And I had a solemn time, in accompanying the relicks of sister Harris to the grave. We fulfilled our promise, in singing her body to church, as we did her soul to glory. I was afterwards tempted both to lightness and to impatience; but I bless God, I remain in peace and love. My desire is, to know myself as I am known of God, and to live no longer than I live to him.
*Friday 23. Glory be to God, though the enemy rages, I enjoy a calm peace in my soul. But this evening I found little power to pray. I believe it was owing to disorder of body. Yesterday I kept my bed all day. I am still much indisposed. But I was much delighted with the amiableness of Christ. And I saw the great need we have of him, and shall have, when we stand naked before God. I saw the worth of Christ exceedingly, and loathed myself and all my own performances: yet being persuaded, that neither life, nor death, nor things present, nor things to come, should ever separate me from his love.
Tuesday, February 3. I have been confined to my bed by a fever, from Saturday till to-day. I found not much joy, but patience and peace, and sweet tranquility of mind: especially when sister Pearce prayed with me. I found a longing desire to see some of my other sisters. But, when one of them came, I could not speak to her at first, I was so overcome with joy. The Lord blessed us in the afternoon also, when Mr. Storey prayed with us. Glory be to his holy name, for christian conversation; and for all the other helps we enjoy, to make our calling and election sure.
Monday 23. All yesterday and to-day, I have been much disordered by the cholic. At six this evening I bowed before God in prayer, and gave myself up to him. I then resolved to try, whether I could not go to the preaching. I went, and was better after it than before. While I was in strong pain, the enemy thrust sore at me: But I did not give place to him for a moment. Blessed be God for a tender conscience! I find, if ever I speak a word unawares; if it is not right, I see it immediately, and am grieved that I was not more on my guard. Lord, help me to watch and pray every moment, that all my words may be to edification!
Monday, March 2. Blessed be God, for the love I have felt yesterday and to-day, under the preaching of Mr. Haim. O may it sink deep in my heart, and spring up into eternal life! I find Satan is continually tempting; but he has no success. I want to be more of a child-like spirit; to live more in Christ, and always near to God.
Thursday 5. My husband and maid both being sick, my body has been much exercised this week. But, glory be to God, I have enjoyed constant peace, and many blessed refreshings. Nor have I found one anxious thought concernings their living or dying.
Sunday 15. God was pleased this week to afflict my body with sickness. I mostly kept my bed. Sometimes I had doubts. Is it not, because I do not speak more to my poor mother? Or because I have taken too much upon me, in being leader of a band? But these doubts did not trouble me so much as the close reflections I had from my husband. Twice I wept concerning it; but then I thought, the sorrow of the world worketh death. I looked to the Lord, and he delivered me. And I said to him, Shall I one day see thy face, without a veil between? And shall I stand at thy right hand, in the great day of accounts? And how clear an assurance of it did he give me! I find earnest desires to drink deeper of his Spirit, that I may be always the same, all of a-piece at all times and in all places, and may have a solemn awe resting upon me, in business and company, especially among professors of religion.
Thursday 25. I was much grieved this evening at the stubbornness of my child. Lord, bless the correction, and give her thy grace, whatever thou with-holdest from her! And help me to discharge my duty toward my children, in this and in all things.
Thursday, April 2. I saw more than ever the necessity of simply following my blessed Lord: And the great need of grace rather than gifts; although gifts also are great blessings. Lord, on whomsoever they are bestowed, may they beg thy aid, to use them singly to thy glory. I find an encreasing zeal for God and his people. I long to live more to God, and to have less to do with the world; and am sometimes tempted against my husband, for incumbring himself so much with it. Yet I am thankful to God for these outward blessings: But my whole aim is, to be more devoted to God.
Wednesday 8. I want to have every thought brought into obedience to Christ: And to feel continually the awful sense of the presence of the great God! I have had a thankful and a melting heart, to think what blessed helps my children have in their tender years; and indeed, in looking back on my own life, and on the blessed showers of grace, which God has poured upon me, from time to time, in christian conversation. Lord, give me a thankful heart, and fulfil in me all the good pleasure of thy will!
Monday 20. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, and that I still find, God is a God of love. My desire is, to begin now; to live this moment, and believe for the next. I have been for some time confined to my bed, and am still confined to my room. But all is well, while I am enabled, in every state, to be content. I have had a week of close trials and temptations; but of deep consolations likewise. But I see I am still short in bearing all things, and in discerning the enemy’s first approach. Yet glory be to thy great and holy name, for what I do enjoy. O help me to prize thy blessings more, and to believe and love to the end!
Sunday 26. In the morning, before I rose, wandering thoughts were thrown into my mind. I begged the Lord to give me power to drive them out; and he heard my prayer. He gave me likewise a thankful heart, to think how richly he had provided for me, in temporals (while so many were in pressing want) as well as in spirituals: I could not help weeping before the Lord, and asking, “Why me, or mine? Why hast thou given me this composure of mind, more desirable than all this world? Lord, give me to press after more inward solitude, and keep and water me every moment!”
Sunday, May 3. Glory be to thy great and holy name, for all thy blessings and mercies: But above all, for my dear Jesus: I feel the value of his blood and merits more than ever. I find myself all weakness and helplessness: his blood is all my plea. Through this I enjoy great peace of mind; although much indisposed in body. But I have been in doubt what to do. I said, about a year before I found peace with God, that I would not eat any more flesh suppers, except I was with child. But, as my present disorder was thought to require it, I eat this evening a little of a calf’s foot. Lord, keep me from scrupulous fears after it: Let not the enemy accuse me for it. Help me in this, and all things, to extol thy love and guardian care.
Monday 25. Glory be to God for new desires to serve him: Lord, encrease them every moment; and enable me to put in practice every desire, and every resolution, which is to thy glory! Let me never be weary of well-doing; but endure to the end, that no man take my crown!
Sunday, June 14. To-day I was at the house of mourning, at sister Pearce’s, whose child was near death. It was an happy time. While we read the experience of some departed saints, the Lord showered down his love upon us. After the boy died, I thought, Who can tell, what a blessed convoy surrounded us, although unseen by mortal eyes? And I had strong faith, that, through the blood of the Lamb, I should one day meet the saints above. I found also great faith for the welfare of Zion, and hope that the Lord would soon build her up. In my late indisposition, I found little activity and little power to pray. And I found the enemy taking every occasion to tempt me: But there was nothing in me to side with the temptation. Glory be to God for pure love! Glory be to Jesus Christ, my Lord! O continue to reign supreme Lord over every motion of my soul!
Thursday 25. Blessed be God, I enjoy a steddy peace, and evenness of mind. But illness weighs down my body and soul, so that I am not active in the service either of God or man. I found my own spirit very near in reproving: But I looked to the Lord, and was saved. And I was kept in a great measure from reasoning. On the closest examination, I found nothing but love in my heart. But I long to have all that mind which was in Christ Jesus my Lord!
Monday, July 6. At night, after I was in bed, I found my mind wander after distant things. I found it hard to fix my mind on the Lord only; but, glory to him, the fountain is still open. I have been much better in body to-day, and have been able to pour out my soul to God, more freely than for some time past. Indeed for some time I have had little life in prayer: But, blessed be God, he even then gave me power, which I had not, when I could rejoice to go to prayer, and found it sweet to my taste. He only knows, what is best for us. And when I was tried to-day, he gave me a meek and quiet spirit. But I believe I spoke afterward more than was necessary; yet, blessed be God, without condemnation.
Saturday 11. At a funeral, I was much tempted to look at those who were still in their sins, and to prefer myself before them. But presently it came, Who maketh thee to differ? For a moment I sunk almost into despair. But I thought on the love of God, and received comfort. So busy is the enemy, first to lift us up, and then to cast us down.
Tuesday, August 4. Glory be to God, in the midst of trials, I was as calm as if I was out of the body. In the evening, while I was earnest in private prayer, I felt as it were a dart shot through me. I started a little, but still kept calling upon God, till I was more than conqueror.
Saturday 8. This evening I was obliged to speak on behalf of the injured. And I thought it my duty to speak sharply, though still in love and meekness. I found love for God and his cause constrained me so to speak: For I hate every thing that would dishonour him.
Sunday, September 9. I was closely tried from a near quarter: But I was kept in peace. I wept to myself, to think of the sore bondage sin had brought upon them who are under the power of it. It gave me to see the uncertainty of all things but the love of Christ.
Sunday 29. I was disturbed soon after midnight, and again a little before day. I did not wake any more, till almost six. I was grieved to be disappointed of the preaching, and yet contented, seeing there was no will of my own in the omission of it. All this day I had a solemn time. My soul enjoyed peace and tranquillity, and I found it good, to leave the things of time behind, and to wait simply upon God.
Thursday, October 1. When the select society met, I was much tired, and very heavy. But the Lord was pleased to bless others in a glorious manner. Immediately it was suggested, “This is false fire: or why am not I affected!” I begged the Lord, to answer for himself. And, before we parted, I had the petition I asked of him, and was refreshed both in soul and body.
Saturday 3. Being much disordered in body, I was obliged to lie down. I dreamed I was exhorting some people of note, in an exceeding solemn manner. And I was so happy in God, that I afterward felt the good effect of it, even upon my body. Yet, in the end, methought I was tempted to lightness. See how Satan besets us sleeping and waking!
Tuesday 6. I had strong desires to be filled with God, and I find faith that I shall; that I shall be entirely devoted to God, and that every moment. My heart is more enlarged in love to all mankind, particularly to my brethren; and I have power to cover their faults with love, and to pray for them. Blessed be God, that his work is spreading among us: More and more are brought to the knowledge of God: And many are going from house to house, to call upon God and tell of his goodness. It is no wonder therefore that Satan rages: But I trust he will be disappointed of his hope. The Lord make us faithful, and keep us every moment watching unto prayer!
Sunday 18. Glory be to God, I find the fruits of the Spirit encreasing; particularly by means of private prayer. Indeed the enemy thrusts sore at me therein, striving to make me afraid, till I sometimes cry out, “Shall I be afraid to thank and praise my God?” He then presently flies, and immediately the Lord showers down his blessings upon me.
Though I have been kept by sickness from the public means, this has been a sabbath of rest to my soul. I had a solemn, peaceable time in reading, and a glorious time in private prayer, between five and six. And in the evening, the Lord poured his grace on my heart, as the dew upon the tender herb. I never saw so much of his greatness before. Lord, fill me with this awful sense of thy majesty, and let me be kept every moment in that silent heaven of love!
Sunday, November 1. I have kept my bed for some days, being much disordered in body. But, glory be to God, he has many times refreshed my soul with his love: particularly, when I have been favoured with the company of his dear children. When they called upon him in prayer, he was pleased to hear, and answer even while they were calling. In general, I have found calm composure of spirit, a deliverance from my own will, patience and resignation to the will of God, and power in the hour of temptation. But I want more strength of faith and love; for I find the enemy is always watching. And sometimes he comes very near, striving to sow the evil seed again. But, glory be to God, he has saved me yet, though sometimes I have been scarcely saved: So that I see I must live this moment to God, and watch and look to my dear Lord every moment.
Monday 2. When I waked, my husband soon began talking to me about worldly business. It was lawful, but I quickly found it was not expedient: For I had not so much power to pray as usual. But, in the evening, blessed be God, I waited upon him in a sweet, calm peace, at the preaching. Only I found a little reasoning, “What if I should fall in labour?” But it was quickly removed: And though my body failed a little, yet I was freer from wandrings than I ever was for a long time.
Thursday 5. The Lord does still bless me and keep me; but I come short of what I desire to be. In the morning I find strong desires to be wholly devoted to God in every thing. But in the evening, I find I have still come short, though without condemnation and fear. Blessed be God, I am kept from inordinate sorrow for my dear friend’s illness. Lord, prepare me for the same hour. And, if it be thy blessed will, rebuke the disorder, and raise her up, for the good of her family, and of thy people.
Sunday 8. The Lord was pleased to call her to himself. The day before she seemed much better. But in the evening she fell worse again, and this morning, about nine, departed. When word came of this, I was not shocked at first; but in a while I began to reason on what had passed between us the evening before. She then said, “When death seemed nigh some nights since, the enemy thrust sore at me, and said, This will be thy end: But I said, Not without God’s permission: He can bring me down to the belly of hell, and bring me up again, as he did Jonah out of the whale’s belly. But it is one thing to talk of death, and another to have it brought home to us.” Then her husband, and children, and friends came near, and sorrow seemed to overwhelm her. But she said, “God is able to bless and keep them, without me, if he is pleased to take me. And if he is pleased to spare me, I can do nothing for them, without the Lord.” When I reflected upon these things, not watching unto prayer, I was quickly encompassed with a flood of temptations: So that I never remember to have passed such a night, since I knew the goodness of God. I could not sleep till six in the morning. But, glory be God, I had peace at the bottom, and continued striving with all my might. About Monday noon I found ease, and at five in the evening, I could wait upon the Lord without distraction. On Tuesday I had such a sweet and resigned will as I scarce ever had before. I was much taken up with the blessedness of heaven, and had no doubt but I should be there; but had no will of my own to die or live, only as the Lord should please, and not one reluctant thought concerning the leaving of my friends or family. I lay quite passive in the hands of my dear Lord. O may he ever keep me so!
Mary Pearce was a woman of good sense, which, mixed with grace, was exceeding amiable. She had great light as to the spiritual life, could see the state of our souls, and set them before us as clear as the sun. She was of a spirit that sympathized with every one, both in their temporal and spiritual trials. Indeed her own life was a life of trials; which, she always said, was best for her, and no more than was needful to keep her from pride, and to break her stubborn will. But she bore all her trials with sweetness of temper, and never mentioned them but to a near friend. She was a dutiful child, a tender parent, an affectionate wife, and a faithful friend. May I tread in her steps, and follow the example of her patience to the end!
Friday, December 18. I am much burthened in body, and confined by reason of my burthen. Yet, blessed be God, I have patience to bear it, and tarry his leisure. I have been much tempted to an angry zeal, against some of my unconverted relations. But I saw the snare, and was delivered. Sometimes it is a cross to go to private prayer: but I still have peace and love. In meeting my band, I saw and felt my weakness very much. Yet the Lord blessed us, while we called upon him. Lord, bless me in the approaching hour of trial. Bless what is formed in me, and, if it live in this world; may it be devoted to thy service. Sanctify her sickness to my child, that is now under thy correcting hand. Prepare her for life or for death: and may I, and all my dear children meet at thy right-hand.
Sunday 27. I see more and more, that every thing I receive, is for the sake of my dear Lord, and that I always want his precious blood, to wash and keep me clean. Blessed be his name for faith in him. I find his light discovers darkness more and more. It is a great thing to come empty to God. Lord, help me to come wholly out of myself, to come to thee, as at first I came, and to return to thee all thou givest me. And help me in the approaching trial, to glorify thy great and holy name, either by life, or by death. To me, to live be Christ, and to die be gain.
Wednesday 30. Though I was greatly burthened in body, I enjoyed much peace of mind. But I was desirous, that those who had so highly dishonoured God should be openly expelled from us. Lord, lay thy mighty hand upon them, and sink them into deep repentance, that they may cry mightily to God, that he may enable them to return to him, from whom they have so deeply revolted.
Friday, January 1, 1768. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to me, in the year that is past. Thanks be to God and the Lamb, that he has given me to see the beginning of another year. Whatever time I live, may I live more to his glory, than ever I have done heretofore!
Saturday 2. This day has been a day of faith, and peace, and love: and my soul has been much drawn out in prayer. Now let me expect fresh trials, after such a shower of blessings.
Sunday 3. Though I am still confined from the outward means, which are highly desirable, yet, blessed be God, I find him present with me, keeping my soul in perfect peace. But I doubt I spoke more words to-day than were to the glory of God. O let the blood of thy Son, Jesus Christ, still cleanse me from all sin!
Sunday 10. Though much disordered in body, I enjoyed much peace and love in my soul. I calmly expect the Lord to deliver me of the fruit of my womb. But I do not find any will, but to glorify God; either by life or by death.
Sunday 17. Many times I have not power to speak: but, blessed be God, I find much thankfulness for all his mercies. My desires are still strong for God and his work, and I find an increase of peace and patience. In meeting my band, and in family prayer, he blessed us in an uncommon manner. But the more blessings I receive from him, the more I see and feel of my own weakness.
*Saturday 23. When the Lord opens my hand, to relieve the want of any of his poor creatures, I find still there is need to cry to him, that I may give him all the glory. Blessed be his name, my own spirit is dying daily. Yet I sometimes find it a cross to go to private prayer; but so much the more am I blest therein. And the Lord greatly blessed us in family prayer, when I earnestly called upon him, to come and destroy inbred sin out of the hearts of those who know his pardoning love.
Sunday 24. I had a longing desire to speak very plainly to my dear mother. But I could not; I could only pray with her, and read to her some passages of scripture. But, blessed be God, he has answered my prayer, with regard to my family’s keeping the Lord’s day. Lord, enable them always to keep a sabbath of rest, and to find rest in their own souls!
Sunday 31. Glory, and thanks, and praise, be to God and the Lamb, for his unbounded love to such an helpless worm! Blessed be his holy name, I enjoy peace, and love to God and all mankind. I have no desire to live, unless to his glory: but, through the burden and pain of my body, I cannot put my desires in practice as I would: blessed be God, that he takes the will for the deed. Lord, help me in my present condition, to glorify thee by patience: to be content to suffer as long as thy goodness pleases, and to wait till thy good time is come. And let me regard neither pain, nor ease, but as it brings me nearer to my dear Lord.
From Tuesday to Friday I was quite confined to my bed. On Tuesday, I had much liberty in meeting my band: but since that time, I have had little power, except at intervals. On Friday evening, it was strongly suggested to me, “Thou wilt fail, when thy hour of trial comes.” I immediately told my husband: he prayed with me, and I found liberty. Yesterday morning, the same temptation assaulted me strongly: but I spoke of it as soon as it came. And since that time, blessed be his name, I have felt it no more. Lord, help me! Lord, keep me every moment! Keep me to the end, for my dear Lord’s sake!