1. SHE was born at Lambeth, October 17, 1717. Her mother died while she was young. About sixteen, she married a seafaring man, who by his extravagance exposed her to many difficulties. Often in sailing from port to port, to prevent, if possible, his wasting his money when he came from sea, she was in great danger, and then made many resolutions; but they quickly died away.
2. On February 14, 1747. Her husband brought her to Dublin. But she was still the same: “I do not remember, said she, that I had any thought, whether I had a soul or not, till I was about twenty-eight years old.” At that time she began to reflect with terror, on the immortality of her soul. She saw and felt, that hell was her just desert, and could find no way to escape it. She knew she was under the wrath of God, but knew not how to appease it. She went from church to church, and endeavoured to do whatever she was taught; but found all she could do was nothing. Sometimes indeed her convictions subsided for a time; but returned with double violence. The cry of her soul continually was, “Lord what must I do to be saved? Shew me the way wherein I should go!” Thus she went on for several years.
3. About fourteen years ago she heard Mr. Thomas Walsh preach in the New-room. She said, “He made my soul tremble exceedingly.” Her fears were rather increased than lessened. But the eyes of her understanding were not opened, with regard to the true method of salvation. Afterwards she heard “that blessed man of God,” (as she justly called him) Paul Greenwood. She then saw, that by grace we are saved through faith, and at the same time, sin received a mortal wound. She determined, nothing should prevent her seeking the pearl of great price, that precious faith. She had much opposition; but nothing stopped her soul on full stretch for salvation. Such was her desire to hear the word, that frequently when she was locked into the room, up one pair of stairs, she got out at a window. She directly joined the society, and counted all things loss, so she might win Christ.
4. It was not long before it pleased God to remove the opposer out of the way. She now frequently received much comfort: but that did not satisfy. Nothing could give her lasting comfort, till she knew her sins were blotted out. This she earnestly sought both in private and public, missing no opportunity of hearing the preaching. And one Sunday morning, as Mr. Deaves was giving out an hymn, God was pleased to reveal his Son in her, and to enable her to say with a clear confidence, “He has loved me, and given himself for me.” It was with much difficulty that she refrained from crying out, and exhorting all to praise the Lord. She now delighted to run the way of his commandments. Her heart was enlarged. Both her heart and hands were open towards those that feared God, and had her power been equal to her will, none of them should have wanted any thing. For some months she walked as on the wings of the wind.
“Jesus all the day long
Was her joy and her song:
O that all his salvation may see!
He has lov’d me, she cried,
He hath suffer’d and died
To redeem such a rebel as me!”
Though her outward situation was disagreeable, being surrounded great part of the day, with those who constrained her to see and hear what her soul abhorred; yet his grace was sufficient for her, and she remained always rejoicing, and praising the God of her salvation.
5. After some months, it was shewn her, that the seeds of sin were not yet rooted out of her heart. Yet she did not let go her confidence in God, neither lose the power over her besetting sin, which was anger. And it was her principle, not to rest an hour, without a feeling sense of the love of God.
6. On October the 9th, 1760, by the providence of God, she and I were married. She was truly an helpmate for ten years, three months, and two days: during which time we could truly say, there never was any thing but love and tenderness toward each other. There never was, that I remember, but once, any appearance of what is called a quarrel. And in a few hours she saw, it was not her business, to interfere with the discipline of the society.
7. Although there was the most tender affection between us, yet so exceeding great was her love to souls, and her desire for their welfare, that she was willing at all times for me to go to any part of the kingdom, without ever saying, “If you must go, stay a few days longer.” And if I was absent three or six months, nay, a whole year, which was once the case, she never complained. She could part with husband, or any thing, to glorify him, who had done so much for her. The last time I spoke of leaving her, she was ill. My friends then advised me, not to go. I was inclined to follow their advice, as there appeared little hope of her recovery. But she insisted on my going where Providence called, saying, “I never have hindered you yet. And if I should do it now, I believe it would be displeasing to God.” I went, and after an absence of three months, returned just at the time, when she was taken with that last illness, which prevented her going out any more. And for my coming home just at that time, she praised God to her latest hour.
8. During the last ten years of her life, she had many and great conflicts. The sense of inbred sin, and of her having so many times offended God, after she had known his love, often lay heavy upon her mind, and pierced her with deep sorrow. The earnest desire of her soul was, to be wholly given up to God. But she was tormented with that fear, lest she should not glorify God in life and in death: particularly, lest by any improper behaviour at her death, she should be a reproach to the gospel. Likewise anxious care about the world, sometimes exceedingly distressed her. She was tempted to fear, lest she should live to be a burden to the society. Or, at least, till she could not be helpful to others, as she knew, it was more blessed to give than to receive. But thro’ the mercy of God, none of the things which she had feared came upon her.
9. Above two years ago, the disorder which occasioned her death began to be violent. Yet she did not abate her diligence, to support herself and family, till July 1769. Her pains then so increased, that she had no ease night or day, only when she slept, which was seldom more than an hour or two. But notwithstanding this, she could not be prevailed upon to keep her room before Christmas. From that time she was in exquisite pain, as tho’ her bowels were tearing asunder. She often said, wearisome nights and days are appointed for me. Yet in the sharpest pain, she never charged God foolishly, or once said, he dealt hardly with her.
10. During this long confinement, she felt a keen conviction of her past unfaithfulness, together with a piercing sense of inbred sin. And on both these accounts, she was often crying out in deep distress, God be merciful to me a sinner. She steddily believed, it was the privilege of God’s people, always to feel the clear witness of his spirit. Accordingly she was always, either rejoicing in the Lord, or deeply distressed for want of it. Even in the severest pain, she was not satisfied with patience, unless she had joy in the Lord.
11. She often would say, “The devil tells me, the peace I feel is only stupidity: that I have been an hypocrite all my life, and never was converted. But I can with confidence answer, this is false. I never desired to deceive either myself or others. I know the Lord did awaken my soul, and convert me to himself. And I cannot accuse myself of lukewarmness in my duty since. I have seldom wilfully missed my class, or band, or a sermon. Yet the manner in which I often performed those duties, causes my soul to tremble. My body was present: but often, too often my mind was engaged in my business. Herein I must plead guilty before God, and he might justly have cast me out of his presence.”
12. All this time the hand of the Lord was underneath her, and did not suffer her to sink in the deep waters. Yet she often complained, “I cannot rejoice in pain,” whereas St. Paul says, Rejoice in tribulation: and that happy soul, Nancy Rogers said, “Every pain is a spring to my soul, to lift me up to heaven.” I told her, “When you, like Nancy, are near your end, you may triumph over pain also. But should it be otherwise, your eternal state does not depend on that.” She cried out, “Nay, but what the scriptures declare, and what others have experienced, is for me.” She did not fear being cast into hell: yet her distress, at times, was exceeding great. She was vehemently athirst for full salvation, and often broke out into deep lamentation. “I am unlike the Lord! When shall I awake up after his full likeness!” Sometimes she seemed just ready to lay hold on the hope set before her. But she was checked by a sense of her unprofitableness in the ways of God: and would often break out, “True Lord, true! I am unprofitable indeed.”
13. At some times she was afraid, lest she should live to expend all she had, and leave me in distress. But about a month before her death, these fears vanished away, and she was quite resigned to the will of God, leaving it wholly to him to do what seemed him good, with her and all that she had. From this time she had no other care than that which related to her soul. She was now released from her severe pains, and her soul felt a solemn peace; tho’ she was still frequently tempted to fear, lest she should deceive herself.
14. Near three weeks after, I was reading in the fifteenth volume of the Christian Library, that section in Isaac Ambrose’s looking unto Jesus, “Desiring Jesus with respect to his death.” The Lord now turned his hand upon her, and caused her to feel his power. Her body seemed to be forgotten; while her spirit rejoiced in God her Saviour, crying out, “O the goodness of God, which directed that passage to be read this night!” Then she began to sing
“Thou shepherd of Israel and mine,
The joy and desire of my heart!
For closer communion I pine;
I long to reside where thou art.
The pasture I languish to find,
Where all who their shepherd obey,
Are fed, on thy bosom reclin’d,
Are screen’d from the heat of the day.”
From this time she did rejoice evermore; and yet longed to triumph more. Her ambitious soul could not rest, till wholly swallowed up in God.
15. January 7. She desired to be taken out of bed. As soon as her cloaths were on, she expected to have gone to rest. But God was pleased to keep her a little longer in the body, for the comfort of her surviving friends. As soon as she was a little revived, I asked, “If she could stay her soul upon the Lord?” She said, “Yes, I can, tho’ I have not always that full assurance of faith.” But the next morning, God fulfilled the desire of her heart, and filled her with faith and love. About ten she seemed just expiring: but she soon revived. I said, “My dear, can you rely on the Lord?” She answered with triumph, “I can; yes, I can. All is plain before me. There is nothing now in the way. O the precious blood of God! O the precious blood of God! That precious blood cleanseth from all sin and from all stains.” I asked, “Has that blood cleansed you from all stains?” She said, “Yes, yes. It has washed me, and it will still wash me.” I said, “For sorrow you shall soon have joy.” She said, “Sorrow! I have had no sorrow. When I think of what my Lord suffered for me, mine is nothing.” Indeed the exceeding happiness she now enjoyed, made her forget all her former pains. She said, “I shall be like him! I cannot tell what that is: but I shall be like him.” The convulsions then followed each other with little respite; but in the intervals, she was still praising God.
16. Wednesday 9. In the morning she was in great agonies, but said, “Lord, thou dost all things well! Now I have nothing to do but to praise: every breath shall be praise. I have just conquered death. O Jesus, thou didst bring me into the world, and hast preferred me in the world, and hast brought me thro’ the world!” I said, “He has brought you safe to Jordan’s bank.” She said, “O yes, he has, O that I may go full sail into port! I have a blessed pilot.” This day many persons came to see her. One said, “Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord!” She replied, “So saith the Spirit: for they rest from their labours.” A convulsion followed, after which she was light-headed: unless any one spoke to her of the Lord Jesus. Then for a time, her reason returned. She did not sleep the whole night, and her breath was almost gone: yet she said, “I do not feel much pain.” Thursday 10. Early in the morning she was again composed, and said, “I shall soon be with him. I shall drink of the river that makes glad the city of God. He has brought me out the white linen and put it upon me. I see Jesus! I see Jesus! He is worth more than all I have below.” This day she often dozed; but as soon as awake, said, “O precious Jesus!” Thus she spent the day, and most part of the night, saying, “I have often been weary of speaking of him: but now I can speak of him for ever.”
17. Friday 11. She knew all that came to see her, and spoke to several of them. About ten her daughter asked her blessing. She kissed her, and said, “The Lord bless you and give you grace to be dutiful.” Soon after one came, that was very dear to her. She would have spoke to her; but at first was not able. But after a short time she said, “Her voice has been pleasant to me. Farewell. I shall soon be in heaven;” These were the last words I could understand; but she was sensible to the last. About twenty minutes before one, she fell asleep.
“Thus may we all our parting breath
Into the Saviour’s hands resign!
O Jesus let me die her death,
And let her latter end be mine!”
Saturday, April 8, 1769.
I WENT to see Ann Rogers, a young woman who had been for several years a member of the society in Dublin. Two or three years ago she believed God had saved her from all sin, and ever since behaved in the most exemplary manner. “My body, she said, is exceeding weak: but Christ is precious to my soul, and has not suffered me in all my weakness and pain to feel one murmuring thought.”
I enquired, how the work of God began in her soul? She said, “May was six years I came to live with Mrs. Riggs, where Mary Feris lived; at which time I had no notion of real, heart religion. But her behaviour struck me, and not long after, I went with her on Sunday morning to the New-Room. From that time I saw myself a vile, helpless sinner, of which I was convinced more and more; yet with strong hope, expecting deliverance under every sermon I heard, and in every meeting for prayer. But in about two months my hope grew weak, and I concluded God did not hear my prayers. Then deep sorrow seized my heart, till one night going to bed, I cried earnestly for mercy, and begged that if there were any for me, I might wake time enough to attend the morning preaching. I awoke at the time. In that moment I was enabled to believe, that God loved me. I rejoiced unspeakably; I was happy in his love, and have never since doubted of his favour.
“This joy continued for some months, but with an earnest hope of seeing greater things than these: those words being frequently in my mouth, and almost continually in my mind,
Wrestling I will not let thee go,
Till I thy name, thy nature know!
And one day as I was sitting in my room, the power of God came mightily upon me, and those words were applied to my heart, in a manner I cannot express, Thou art all fair, my love: there is no spot in thee. It is impossible to tell how my soul was filled with love: surely it was angel’s food! I was called down to dinner, but could eat nothing: On this one said, ‘Nancy, have you got the second blessing?’ I did not know how to answer to this, or what name to call it by. But I said, I never was so happy in all my life: I am quite filled with love. And from that time I have continued, except some weeks in the beginning of last year, (when I was hurt by disputing about a third person) rejoicing evermore, praying without ceasing, and in every thing giving thanks. My particular prayer was, that God would give me all the grace which he had promised in his word.”
From the time that this disorder began, it was her constant prayer, “Lord, if I recover, let it be to thy glory; if not, thy will be done! Only do not take me hence, till thou hast finished thy work in my soul.” This, she added, “is my whole desire. And I must bear this testimony, the Lord Jesus hath always, on his part, been faithful and gracious to me. And though, on my part, I have been much wanting, yet he hath borne with me and mightily blessed my soul.”
Her mother told me, “Yesterday I thought she was expiring; she did not appear like herself; till she broke out, ‘The goodness of God has been so manifested to my soul, that I could not speak. Those words were spoke to my heart, I have loved thee with an everlasting love. And, Thou shalt be mine, in that day, when I make up my jewels. O! I have sweet foretastes of heaven! I would gladly go to him my soul loves.’”
Sunday 9. I saw her again. She was then so weak, she could hardly speak to be heard. But after I had spoke a few words of the love of Jesus, she found strength and said, “The first Sunday in February last, at the sacrament, I did indeed eat his flesh and drink his blood. The glory of the Lord shone into my soul, and I felt so much of his love, it was almost more than my feeble body could bear: it was a real foretaste of heaven.” She said, “Three nights ago I was in exquisite pain, such as I never felt before: but every pain was a spring to my soul, to lift me up to heaven. I could thank him for all, and methought I would not recover for the whole world. Indeed the love of Jesus so ravishes my soul that I would not have ♦one pain less than he pleases.” Then correcting herself she said, “Pain! It cannot be called pain: his presence makes it heaven to me!” One said, “He has brought you through the wilderness, within sight of the good land.” She said, “O yes! O yes! He has; and he will be with me through the valley; this I cannot doubt.” I then took my leave and saw her no more. What follows, I had from those that attended her.
She exhorted all that came, particularly those that sat up with her, to redeem the time. To one she said, “O Sally, turn to God with your whole heart: you have but little time:” and to them all, “Make haste! Get ready! You have no time to spare.”
Afterward Satan was permitted to thrust sore at her. Waking out of sleep, she began to reproach herself, for sleeping, saying, “If I had not slept, it would not have been thus with me. I cannot doubt of the favour of my Lord: neither can I fear his casting me into hell. But I am tempted to think, I shall have sore distress at the hour of death.” This lasted some hours; but in the evening she said, “Christ is come, and Satan is gone.” Nor was he suffered to trouble her any more. All that followed was peace and love.
Yet she was exceedingly concerned for her mother, lest she should not freely give her up to God. Her mother was asked, Whether she could or no? She answered, “Since it is the will of God to take her, I do give her up freely.” And this reply gave her entire satisfaction.
The day before she died, the thought of being for ever with the Lord, was transporting to her soul. But she said to her mother, “I charge you when I am dead, let none of the wicked come into the room. Let it be filled with those that fear God; and while they are singing the praises of God below, I shall be singing them above.”
About three in the morning she said earnestly, “O precious Christ! O precious Christ!” These were her last words: but she still expressed her happiness, sometimes by lifting her eyes towards heaven, and sometimes by looking pleasantly on those about her, till her sight failed, and her spirit went up to God.
Some years before she died, she now and then wrote down a little of her experience. I believe these accounts, imperfect as they are, will be acceptable to the pious reader.
“April 10, 1764. The Lord has blessed me in a wonderful manner. Glory and praise to his great name! O that thy praise may dwell on my heart! O my Lord, enable the unworthiest of thy servants, to give thee thanks for thy unspeakable love! O that I could invite all to taste and see how good thou art, how full of truth and grace! O thou unexhausted fountain of love, enable me every moment to cast myself upon thee, and to receive out of thy fulness grace for grace.”
I continued thus for five days, yet with many wanderings from my God: but I had this cry in my heart, Dear Lord, deliver me from a heart so prone to wander from thee!
Tuesday, May 22. As I was at my work, these words came to my heart with power, I will take away the heart of stone, and will give thee an heart of flesh. I was lost in wonder, yet found unbelief till those words were spoke to my heart, Ye are clean through the word I have spoken. I found a change in myself from that moment, and could say, I love thee with every faculty of my soul. Truly I can say, that God is love! And that he delights to do his needy creatures good.
September 14, 1765. I had a greater desire than usual to retire from the world: yea even from the converse of the holiest Christians, to wait upon God alone. I wanted to have a closer acquaintance with the blessed Jesus. Happy he that can go to God at any time, praying to him with faith and fervency. My God, all my soul cries aloud for more of thy light and love! O my Lord, manifest thyself in me more fully! None living has greater cause to love and serve thee.
Sunday 15. The sermon at church caused some heaviness; but I was refreshed at the Lord’s table. O Jesus, assist me to look through every means, to thee, the fountain of life and love!
Monday 16. The sermon was as marrow and fatness to my soul. I did truly wait upon God. I have been happy this whole day: Jesus has been precious to me. I found him in every means of grace: he is near me in every time of need. I see much of my helplessness and weakness.
Every moment, Lord, I want
The merit of thy death.
Tuesday 17. I have found this day, most comfortable communion with Jesus, and free access to the throne of grace. Yet I have been greatly tempted: but the Lord stood by me, and made a way for me to escape. I want to be all attention to his voice, and to be more dead to the things of time and sense: let me have no will, O Jesus, but thine! Let thy will be done in me and by me!
Wednesday 18. This morning I was so stupid I could hardly pray: but thou art not extreme to mark what is amiss. All the day I was much hurried in business, and could not attend the public means of grace. But in the evening he made up the want, giving me free access to him in prayer: and therein he graciously refreshed my poor drooping soul. O my God, let the fire of thy love burn up whatever is not agreeable to thee. And let such a sense of thy free, unmerited love rest on me, as may keep me ever low at thy bleeding feet!
Thursday 19. This whole day, though much employed in my business, the Lord stood by me, and enabled me to look to him. In the evening he made a way for me to hear his word, and I found it good to wait upon him. He does fulfil his word, They that wait upon the Lord, shall renew their strength. They shall run and not be weary; shall walk and not faint.
I daily see my unprofitableness. My short-comings are many; yet he freely pardons: I see that my strength is perfect weakness; that if Jesus left me a moment, I should fall. And we cannot be any otherwise saved, than by a constant looking to him. O Jesus keep my eye fixed on thee, till I am looked into all thy lovely likeness.
Friday 20. I found much of the goodness of the Lord. I want to love him more, that I may serve him better. I do not love or praise him as I would: but he does not despise the day of small things.
I find he visits me with his love in a particular manner, before any particular trial. A trial I met with this evening caused heaviness for a time: but I was comforted under the sermon. How numberless are thy thoughts of love to my soul! They are more than the sands on the sea shore.
Saturday 21. I found my mind frequently wandering. O thou friend of sinners,
Settle and fix my wav’ring soul
With all thy weight of love!
I was variously tempted, and I reasoned with the temptation, which increased it more and more, till Jesus shewed me, it was from an enemy, and graciously delivered me. O teach me wisdom to know his devices, and pardon my unfaithfulness! Strengthen my faith, confirm my hope, and perfect me in love.
Sunday 12. This has been a sabbath of rest to my soul. Glory be to thy great and glorious name, O thou fountain of love! What shall I do to praise thee for thy free grace to the most unfaithful of thy children? O what cause have I to esteem thy word? It is sweeter than honey or the honey-comb. I am athirst for all that Christ has purchased for me. I long for more of his meek and lowly mind! The mind that beareth all things: O that every thought may continually rise to thee!
Monday 23. This has been an happy day to me, the most unworthy of thy children. I have had a constant sense of the presence of my Beloved, comforting and refreshing my soul. I sat under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. Yet I see that my wants are many, and that there are heights and depths to be attained here. I am truly ashamed before God of my own unprofitableness. Yet he graciously passes by all my follies, without even upbraiding me. Yea, he applies with power that comfortable promise, I will betroth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in loving-kindness, and faithfulness; and thou shalt know the Lord. I know thee; but I long to know thee more, O thou that art altogether lovely!
Insatiate to this spring I fly:
I drink, and yet am ever dry,
Ah! who against such charms is proof?
Ah! who that loves, can love enough!
Tuesday 24. I was closely assaulted by the enemy. He pursueth hard after me: but when he cometh in like a flood, Jesus lifts up a standard against him. He brought many heavy accusations against me. I durst not stay to reason with him for a moment. But I flew to Jesus as for my life, and cried to him to deliver me. And he did so, by applying that promise to my heart, My grace is sufficient for thee. I find it is, even for me. The name of Jesus is a strong tower, where the righteous may always resort. I spent great part of this day in visiting the sick, and found it a blessing to me. How much better is it, to go to the house of mourning, than to the house of feasting! How glad should I be of more time to spend among thy afflicted followers? But in this, as in every thing beside, not mine will, but thine be done.
Thursday 26. I find this day, thy love is better than life. Thy strength is made perfect in my weakness. I long to be wholly given up to thee. I visited one of our sick friends, and my soul was refreshed with her. To enjoy thy presence on a sick bed, is unspeakable happiness. Then nothing will do, but a real interest in a crucified Redeemer. It is only the blessed experience of this, which then gives true peace, freedom from all anxious care, and resignation in pain. Our anchor is cast within the veil: our hope is full of immortality. O glorious hope of perfect bliss! And am I a partaker of this hope?
O wondrous grace! O boundless love!
Friday 27. O Jesus, what hast thou done for me? What shall I say unto thee? This I can say, that I love thee: and let it be with every faculty of my soul! I do find thy name as ointment poured forth. Thou leadest me in green pastures, by the still waters of comfort.
When nature fails, and day and night
Divide thy works no more,
My ever thankful soul, O Lord,
Thy goodness shall adore.
Saturday 28. This morning I had a trial, but Jesus stood by me, and kept my mind in peace. Visiting a friend in the evening, I was much comforted. God was with us of a truth. O how full of love are thy thoughts towards me! All things shall work together for my good.
Monday 30. This has been one of my best days. I think I never had before such a sense of the goodness of God to me, and my entire dependence on him. My soul has been upon the stretch for all the fruit of the Spirit. I never saw such beauty in humility, and felt such a desire after it.
The following paper bears no date.
“O Jesus, how richly hast thou provided for me here? Thou givest me a large earnest of my inheritance. Thou dost give me to drink of that fountain of living water. O that it may be in me as a well of water, springing up into everlasting life! O thou fairest among ten thousand, what hast thou done for such a worm as me! Thou hast purchased for me holiness and heaven; yea, heaven upon earth. Thou dost give thyself to me, and with thyself all things. Be astonished, O my soul, at the large inheritance which thy Jesus has purchased for thee! Behold the rivers of pleasure that flow at his right hand! And there thou shalt behold his face without a veil:
“Far from a world of grief and sin,
With God eternally shut in!”
WHEN Mary Langson was about fourteen years of age, it pleased God to awaken her by the preaching of the gospel; and soon after she received a clear sense of his pardoning love, in the enjoyment of which she continued, though not exempted from those trials and temptations which are common to believers.—From her first hearing the preaching, she was diligent in the use of all the means of grace, whether private, or public: and though the preaching was seldom near, she attended at every possible opportunity.
She was constant at meeting her class; and those who were most acquainted with her, being of the same family, observed that she always expressed the state of her soul, just as it was, and manifested such a spirit of sincerity in all her deportment, as convinced them that she was an Israelite indeed, in whom was no guile.
Her step-mother being rendered incapable of managing the affairs of the house, the care of a young family in a great measure devolved on her, which, with the attendance needful for her helpless step-mother, necessarily brought considerable exercises and trials, to one of such tender years; yet being inwardly strengthened for the performance of these duties, she manifested as much tenderness towards her, as if she had been her own mother; (an example too rarely seen in such cases) and was enabled to go through her constantly-trying circumstances with unwearied patience. Although by these means she was deprived of providing for herself such sort of apparel, and conveniences as those of her age usually expect, and may innocently enjoy.
*Having been tried, and in some measure intangled in her affections, she was sensible of a decline in her spiritual consolations, but through the mercy of God, this lasted not long; for she rested not till she had recovered all she had lost; so that she was enabled to testify to a Christian friend, while she remained in health, “I find my heart loose from every creature, and all created good, and wholly fixed on God: this is the desire of my soul.
“O that I might walk with God,
Jesus my companion be;
Lead me to the blest abode,
Thro’ the fire, and thro’ the sea:
Then I shall no more complain,
Never at my lot repine,
Welcome toil, or grief, or pain,
All is well, if Christ is mine.”
When the grace of God thus takes place in the heart, how little does every thing we suffer for his sake appear! How empty is all the world calls good and great, to a soul filled with divine love!
From the following remarkable circumstances, it seems as if she had some apprehensions of the near approach of death. She began to be more abundantly diligent in the use of every means of grace, for some weeks before her last sickness. It was also observed that though she had not been accustomed to pray at the class-meeting, yet being now exceedingly fervent in spirit, one evening at class, she broke out into earnest prayer; she appeared to enjoy much freedom, and great nearness to God, and was deeply affected with a sense of the evil of sin, and her own weakness, which occasioned her crying to God in such expressions as these, “O Lord! Rather let me die, than live to offend, or ever sin against thee!” Indeed the vehement importunity with which she uttered these petitions made her brethren suspect that something more than common would happen; for the power of God was unusually present.
Soon after (on the 14th of January, 1769) she sickened for the small-pox. One then asked her, how she felt her soul: she said, “My evidence is clear, and life or death, the will of the Lord be done.”
*During her illness, she continued perfectly resigned to the will of God. The Thursday after sickening, she became blind, when one of the society coming in, and discerning the distemper ♦to be dangerous, sat down and wept. As soon as she perceived it, she said, “Dolly! What are you doing? Are you weeping for me? Don’t you know, that if God takes me away, it is from much evil that is in the world? I have often looked at your mother, and thought, O that I was but as near glory as her: (she being about fourscore) but now I think I am nearer glory than she is, and shall be in possession of it before her!”
When she was asked again how she found herself, she answered, “Glory is every moment open to my soul; there is nothing between me and eternal glory, but a few moments more of light affliction.”
At night she called for her father, and said to him, Dear father, you have had many trials and difficulties in the world, and you have many more before you, but fear not, you are in the way, the right way; continue in it, and God will bring you thro’ all.”
On Saturday the 21st, about eleven at night, she broke out in an extasy of joyful praise; speaking in the most delightful language for more than an hour together, concerning Jesus and his kingdom. Some that were present on being asked what she then said, answered, we heard words not possible for men to utter; and indeed but little of the conversation could be retained by any of them, they were so overwhelmed with a sense of the presence of God.
Once she was observed to speak in the following manner, “There is never a fiend left now: they are all banished; Jesus has conquered them all for me!” By which it seems, this was her triumph in the last combat she had with Satan.
She then repeated and explained, in a most feeling and sensible manner, many passages of scripture, especially Daniel vii. 9, 10. “I beheld till the thrones were cast down, and the Ancient of Days did sit, whose garment was white as snow, and the hair of his head like the pure wool; his throne was as the fiery flame, and his wheels as burning fire. A fiery stream issued and came forth from before him; thousand thousands ministered unto him, and ten thousand times ten thousand stood before him: the judgment was set, and the books were opened,” adding in the end, “O lovely Jesus! Blessed Jesus! Adorable Jesus! Glory! Glory! Glory! Glory! To God in the highest! On earth peace; good-will towards men.” Thus Christ’s coming in the clouds to judgment, was to her infinitely desirable, and so abundantly was her soul ravished with the prospect, that she could not forbear rejoicing with joy unspeakable and full of glory.
*While in health, she seemed at a loss to consent to the doom of the wicked, but now she said, “O how willing is Christ to save all that come to him? But they who will not come, shall be destroyed, and though I could not for a long time say Amen to the sentence of impenitent sinners, yet now I can, seeing how willing God is to save all who will accept of his offered mercy.”
She likewise repeated Revelation xiv. 1, 2, 3, taking particular notice of those words, an hundred and forty-four thousand, in the first ♦and third verses: and said, “A goodly company! And I shall be one, and all that have died in the Lord, and all the preachers whom I have loved, (mentioning some of them by name) and I shall see them there; and all the Methodists, that are such indeed; they shall be there.” May we be Israelites indeed, who are so called, and not rest in a name to live while we are dead.
She again cried out, O precious Jesus! My Beloved is mine, and I am his! He is the fairest of ten thousand, yea altogether lovely.¹ O what glory do I see! And all for me! How does my soul burn with love to Jesus, who has provided it for me! I wonder that that happiness could have no higher title than heaven.”
On Monday the 23d, she called her father, and said, “I am going.” He asked where? She answered “to heaven: adding, I am glad I do not leave you, in your sins, but that you are brought into the right way. Only endure, and you will shortly follow me! Do not grieve for me; O resign me.” He cried, “I am a wretch, I cannot resign you;” to which she answered, “that is nature, I was a wretch too, but God has set me at liberty; do you pray to him, and he will give you more grace.” He complained “I cannot pray, do you pray for me.” She said, “my bowels yearn for you;” and then lay quiet a little interceding for him and the family; after which she broke out, “Lord hasten thy work; do more now in my soul in a day, than thou wast wont to do in many days.” She then repeated Revelation xxii. 1. and said, “well may they be called rivers, for I see fountains upon fountains: O what rivers of pleasure are there! How shall I swim in those oceans of love to all eternity! I am overcome with love! Oh if I were loose from this affliction how would I sing!” And calling on those who were present to sing, she gave out
“No need of the sun in that day,
Which never is followed by night,
Where Jesus’s beauties display,
A pure, and a permanent light:
The Lamb is their light and their sun,
And lo! By reflection ♦they shine,
With Jesus ineffably one,
And bright in effulgence divine.”
To her father she said, “You have many difficulties in the world, and I will tell you what you must do; give your hands to the world, and your heart to God, and he will make a way for you.”
*She seemed to enjoy a happy foresight of the prosperity of the work of God, when she said, “You may look for glorious times to come; for the Lord has a great work to do on earth, before the church militant can join the church triumphant.” To some of the society who were present, she said, “God has given you the means of grace, in order to bring you safe to glory; see that you do not slight or neglect any of them; use them constantly, and look through them all to Jesus.”
Afterwards one asked, how she was? She answered, “Weak in body, but happy in soul: I long to be gone to heaven.” Being told, you must be resigned, she answered, “I am resigned, but would rather be with Jesus.”
Some who desired to serve the Lord, but were not heartily in earnest, came to see her. One of these, she had invited some time before to the class-meeting; and he had almost promised to come, but neglected. She said to him, “I thought you would have been at the meeting as you proposed; O how was my soul grieved that you did not come! Will you come the next time? The Methodist way is the right way. It was a happy turn that I was ever brought into it. O how good have I found it to remember my Creator in the days of my youth. Now I can say, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for the Lord is with me, his rod and staff shall comfort me.” She then encouraged them heartily to join with the people of God, and not to fear any reproach they might suffer on that account.
When the disorder was at the height, she said, “Some may think that I have a heavy affliction. No: I have none that I can spare. Oh! it’s a happy affliction!”
*“Others, said she, may say of me, she was once blooming; how is she altered now? But I was never so beautiful in all my life; I am as the King’s daughter, all-glorious within: and my raiment is of wrought gold.”
A little before her departure, being visited by the wife of one of the leaders, she asked how her husband did? Adding, “He has had many struggles to help me forward in the ways of the Lord; but now he may rejoice in all his labours, for I am going safe to glory, and hope to meet him there. O little children! Love one another.” She also advised her, as she had many children, to take care what example she set before them.
Afterwards one asked whether she thought her present sickness would end in death, she answered, “I cannot tell; but the will of the Lord be done. Only this I know, that neither life nor death shall separate me from the love of Jesus, who has redeemed me from the foundation of the world. If I die, as soon as you see me depart, sing Happy soul, thy days are ended: and when you carry me to the grave, sing the same hymn. When you return let not your hearts be filled with grief, but praise God, as I shall be rejoicing with him in glory.”
An HYMN,
Sung at the time of her departure.
1.HAPPY soul, thy days are ended,
All thy mourning days below:
Go by angel-guards attended,
To the sight of Jesus go.
Hallelujah, Amen.
2. Waiting to receive thy Spirit,
Lo the Saviour stands above,
Shews the purchase of his merit,
Reaches out the crown of love.
3. Struggle through thy latest passion,
To thy dear Redeemer’s breast,
To his uttermost salvation,
To thine everlasting rest.
4. For the joy he sets before thee
Bear a momentary pain;
Die, to live the life of glory,
Suffer with thy Lord to reign.