1. FOR many years I had a desire to love God, and thought I could submit to be of any sect or denomination, if this would bring me nearer to him: only rejecting the name of a Methodist. For I thought them to be a deluded people, and the off scouring of the earth. I was in this temper, when I heard a Minister preach on All mine are thine, and thine are mine. It came to my heart, and I found such a measure of happiness, as I never had done before. But having none to strengthen my hands, or build me up, it gradually died away.
2. After this, a clergyman having been at prayers, a gentlewoman asked me, how I liked him? I said, “Very well: he has had a liberal education, and speaks in a graceful manner.” She said, “But man cannot reach the heart. Did you ever hear the small still voice, whispering peace to your soul?” I felt something of prejudice rise at the question, and replied, “I have lived a good life. I have done no harm, and I do not omit my duty. I go to church every day.” She said, “I am sorry you have got no further.” I was surprised at her impertinence, and rose up to go away. She intreated me to stay a little, saying, “I have but another word to speak. If you are not delivered by a higher power than you have known yet, you will never be saved.” The word higher power struck me to the heart, and brought a ray of light, which shewed me, that notwithstanding all my works, I was without God in the world. I found a load of guilt which struck me with terror. I saw my heart was as a cage of unclean birds. I believed, now I shall be a castaway, and knew not where to hide me. I could not speak, but withdrew and retired to my closet, and wrestled with God in mighty prayer. I resolved not to let him go till he had blessed me: crying, “I renounce all I am and all I have: if thou hast any blessing for me, bless me now!” Thus I continued an hour, when those words came with power, Abide in me and I in thee. I cried out with much assurance, “My Lord and my God! What is this thou hast done for me?” In the twinkling of an eye my soul was quickened. The seed of God was sown in my heart. My sins were blotted out, and I was raised from the dead, by the word of reconciliation. I felt virtue proceed from Christ, which took away my sins. I now partook of Angel’s food, and knew that I was born of God.
3. For three weeks I remained exceeding happy. My lamp was lighted, and I had oil in my vessel. The scriptures were opened to me, and were spirit and life: in the Lord’s supper I found the peace that passeth all understanding. None can express the excellency of the virtue which flows from the merits of Christ. I was grafted into the vine, and thereby enabled to draw water out of the wells of salvation. Yet I found, there was much in me contrary to the will of God. I had not all the mind that was in Christ. Nay, there remained much of the carnal mind. There was enmity, and strife, and vainglory, which soon embittered my sweets. My heart was bent to backsliding, and continually ready to comply with the suggestions of Satan. I gave way to evil reasoning, which caused peevishness and impatience: and these ate the life of God out of my soul. I could not endure hardness: in every storm I was ready to give up my confidence. I could not love God with an undivided heart. It was my desire, to praise him without ceasing: but I could not perform it, for some hindrance was still coming in the way. The Lord often refreshed me by the way: but this did not satisfy. What I wanted was, to have my heart entirely devoted to him. But I found there remained in me a root of bitterness, a stubborn will, and a diabolical nature, capable of committing all manner of wickedness, were it not for restraining grace. Yet I had no light into the scriptures, so as to divide the word, and make a distinction between the justifying and the sanctifying promises. So I was content to be a babe, if my inward corruptions would have let me be at peace. Yea, I had in my heart an utter aversion to the doctrine of entire sanctification, and found all the enmity in me rose against those who spoke of experiencing it. One day hearing a preacher say, we could not live many hours after we were sanctified, my heart readily joined with him. But presently I was struck with those words, Without holiness no man shall see the Lord. I fain would have stifled this conviction. At least, I cared not to think of it yet. I thought, Why it is but thirteen months since I was justified. And need I think of being sanctified already? However, if ever I should be, none shall ever know it. But the light increased more and more, and my desires at the same time, till I hungred and thirsted vehemently for something, but I knew not what. One day I was constrained to come unto the Lord, and was seized with an awful sense of his Majesty. I trembled, and for some moments was as in a silent darkness. I was ready to cry, Whither am I going? For it seemed, as if he was going to strike the blow, and send me to everlasting destruction. But I found a spark of light, and cried, “Where is my Jesus? He can save to the uttermost.” Presently I cried, “Lord, come quickly!” Yet I had a dread of his coming; for it appeared, as if something strange was going to happen to me. But I said, “Lord, thou prayest for me: O pray for me, that I may now get the victory! Help now my unbelief! Renew me wholly in thy image and likeness! Give me faith, and faith’s increase, that I may be wholly saved from sin.” I then found fresh strength, and cried vehemently, “If thou hast any blessing for me, bless me now! Unworthy as I am, yet I claim, in Christ, my full redemption. I mean to take no denial. Give me all thou hast purchased. Loose me from myself, that I may lie passive in thy hand. Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean!” But I found there was a dark cloud, which still remained between God and my soul. Then I cried, “Lord, let me touch the scepter of thy righteousness. I resign my life and my all. Make me now whole, and take me to thyself.” While I thus pleaded, I was in an agony between hope and despair, till those words came as a mighty rushing wind, A clean heart I give unto thee. I received the word with gladness and in much assurance. Soon after came, Be not faithless, but believing. At these happy words every cloud was dispelled, and I saw the light which shineth to the perfect day. I found access to the holy of holies, where I now see the Trinity in Unity. The Lord shineth unto me in perfect beauty: I enjoy an inseparable union with him without intermission. The little leaven has leavened the whole lump. All my senses are now fully employed in spiritual exercise. The love of God, flaming in my heart as an unquenchable fire, has burnt up all the dross, and destroyed every plant which was not of his own planting. I find that oneness with him, being made one spirit with the Lord, which enables me to walk with him like Enoch, so that I converse with him by his Spirit, as ♦familiarly as a man doth with his friend. I find now no want, no inward conflict, but my soul dwells in a peaceable habitation. I am enabled to walk as in the noon-day sun: my heart is fixed, and my soul is watered every moment. Yet the fear of the Lord is ever before me, lest I should grieve the Holy Spirit. I watch and guard the sacred treasure in my heart, not daring to give way to a word or thought, without finding the approbation of the Lord, by the powerful operation of his Spirit. Hereby I know and prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God. He manifests his strength in my weakness. I am but a worm; yet he delights to bless me, and has made me perfect in his love, so that nothing interrupts my joy. He enables me, not to lose a moment of time, and to live but a moment at once. My hope is full of immortality; and I find no want of spiritual food, no more than if I was in heaven already. Nothing in me opposes the will of God: in nothing can I either wish or chuse. For he hath given me to walk before him in all well-pleasing, and to sit in heavenly places with Christ Jesus. My loins are girt, my lamp burning, and my soul flourishing as the palm-tree.
4. For these ten years I have enjoyed this haven of rest. It has been to me as a day without a cloud. I never have had a tedious moment, nor a murmuring thought. I have been tempted in all things; yet nothing obscures my light, or obstructs my way; but still I rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, and in every thing give thanks. My heart is prepared, whenever my Lord knocks, to open to him immediately. For grace has overcome death: the thoughts of death are my glory and joy. I know, that I am every moment ready to be offered, being made in Christ unrebukeable, without spot, a spiritual sacrifice, wholly devoted to God.
5. God now permitted the grace he had given to be tried. I was not born to dwell on one spot of ground, but was banished from all that was near and dear to me, and driven from city to city. I now proved the happy effects of faith. When I was buffetted by Satan, his darts took no place in me: I defied him, and all his works. When I am roughly treated by the world, I stand still, and see the salvation of God. And the more I am tempted, so much the more the pure flame revives; and the love of God, ever flaming in the heart, keeps out every occasion of stumbling. This enables me to rejoice in tribulation, and glory in the cross: for I find, by his grace, my soul is even as mount Zion, which cannot be moved. I am freed from all anxious thoughts and painful fears. I take no thought for the morrow. I live to-day, and have nothing to do but to die. I know, my soul is prepared to meet my God. In nothing hitherto have I been ashamed, with all boldness giving thanks unto the Lord. And now I ascribe all glory to him, who hath made me a partaker of that holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord.
6. Think it not strange, that he should give this suddenly. When he comes to justify, he comes quickly. And when he comes to sanctify, he comes quickly. This also is an instantaneous work. And no man can love God with all his heart, and grow up into Christ in all things, so as to enjoy all the mind that was in Christ, till he is sanctified throughout, body, soul, and spirit.
7. As we were justified, so are we sanctified by one single act of faith. Then is the soul made like a flame of fire, and the heart is in one continual frame of praising God. Then the fulness of Christ is brought into the soul; even as much of the glory of God as this earthly tabernacle can bear. Then is our inbred sin destroyed. This is the cause of all our transgressions, and while any of this remains, it is the believer’s hell, and makes him cry out, Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? Christ will deliver you. He has purchased for you a full redemption. He has regained paradise, and restores the soul to that acquaintance with God which Adam lost. By faith, I ever see him that is invisible, and converse with him, as it were, face to face. I stand naked before the Lord, and am not ashamed; but rejoice in being sensible, that he knows the secret thoughts of my heart. I rejoice, that he has taught me to put on the whole armour of God, and has made it as easy to me, to do and suffer the will of God, as it is to the sparks to fly upward.
8. Pull off then this veil of unbelief, and trample sin and Satan under your feet. Be you also a faithful witness of Christ, that he is able to save to the uttermost, that he hath power even on earth to save from all sin, from all filthiness both of flesh and spirit. My experience will profit another nothing, unless applied to the heart by the Spirit of God. And is not this the one thing needful for you, to be filled with faith and with the Holy Ghost? May the Lord hasten the time, when this faith shall cover the earth, as the water covers the sea! Then shall they not need to teach this to one another: For all shall know Him, from the least even to the greatest.
9. O that sinners would give up their own wisdom, and become fools, that they may be made wise! Cannot the Lord do a great work in a little time? In the hour that he convinced me of the necessity of it, before that hour was expired, I was justified. Thirteen months after (as I before observed,) I was convinced of the necessity of full sanctification. That night, before I slept, God gave me the blessing. And is he a respecter of persons? Who then would not cry unto him? Who would not spend a few hours in fervent prayer? O let your hearts yield! Draw near unto the Lord, and he will draw near unto you. He will draw you after him by the cords of his love, and you will begin to smell the sweet odour of his ointments. Then open your hearts to my beloved; for his voice is sweet, and his countenance comely. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruit. He says, Arise, my love, and come away! I will chide thee no more for thy past follies. Only now give me thy heart. Thou shalt then find, the winter is past, the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in the land. Then will you get new eyes, new hearts, new delights, and every thing will have a satisfying relish. Then will you chide yourselves, for having been so long in pursuit of the things that perish in the using! Then will he give you the pearl that Adam lost, that heart-felt union with God, whereby you shall steadily enjoy his immediate presence: and his presence makes our paradise. You shall walk in the light, having his bright beams ever shining upon you. So that
Not a cloud shall arise,
To darken the skies,
Or hide for a moment the Lord from your eyes.