Artizans, and the Influence they might have towards the
Improvement of our several Manufactures. I have since that been very
much surprized by the following Advertisement which I find in the
Post-Boy
of the 11th Instant, and again repeated in the
Post-Boy
of the 15th.
On the 9th of October next will be run for upon Coleshill-Heath in
Warwickshire, a Plate of 6 Guineas Value, 3 Heats, by any Horse, Mare or
Gelding that hath not won above the Value of £5, the winning Horse to be
sold for £10, to carry 10 Stone Weight, if 14 Hands high; if above or
under to carry or be allowed Weight for Inches, and to be entered Friday
the 5th at the Swan in Coleshill, before Six in the Evening. Also a
Plate of less Value to be run for by Asses. The same Day a Gold Ring to
be Grinn'd for by Men.
The first of these Diversions, that is to be exhibited by the £10
Race-Horses, may probably have its Use; but the two last, in which the
Asses and Men are concerned, seem to me altogether extraordinary and
unaccountable. Why they should keep Running Asses at
Coleshill
,
or how making Mouths turns to account in
Warwickshire
, more than
in any other Parts of
England
, I cannot comprehend. I have looked
over all the Olympic Games, and do not find any thing in them like an
Ass-Race, or a Match at Grinning. However it be, I am informed that
several Asses are now kept in Body-Cloaths, and sweated every Morning
upon the Heath, and that all the Country-Fellows within ten Miles of the
Swan
, grinn an Hour or two in their Glasses every Morning, in
order to qualify themselves for the 9th of
October
. The Prize,
which is proposed to be Grinn'd for, has raised such an Ambition among
the Common People of Out-grinning one another, that many very discerning
Persons are afraid it should spoil most of the Faces in the Country; and
that a
Warwickshire
Man will be known by his Grinn, as
Roman-Catholicks imagine a
Kentish
Man is by his Tail. The Gold
Ring which is made the Prize of Deformity, is just the Reverse of the
Golden Apple that was formerly made the Prize of Beauty, and should
carry for its Posy the old Motto inverted.
Detur tetriori.
Or to accommodate it to the Capacity of the Combatants,
The frightfull'st Grinner
Be the Winner.
In the mean while I would advise a
Dutch
Painter to be present at
this great Controversy of Faces, in order to make a Collection of the
most remarkable Grinns that shall be there exhibited.
I must not here omit an Account which I lately received of one of these
Grinning Matches from a Gentleman, who, upon reading the above-mentioned
Advertisement, entertained a Coffee-house with the following Narrative.
the taking of
Namur
, amidst other publick Rejoicings
made on that Occasion, there was a Gold Ring given by a Whig Justice of
Peace to be grinn'd for. The first Competitor that entered the Lists,
was a black swarthy
French Man
, who accidentally passed that way,
and being a Man naturally of a wither'd Look, and hard Features,
promised himself good Success. He was placed upon a Table in the great
Point of View,
looking upon the Company like
Milton's
Death,
Grinn'd horribly2
a Ghastly Smile ...
His Muscles were so drawn together on each side of his Face, that he
shew'd twenty Teeth at a Grinn, and put the County in some pain, lest a
Foreigner should carry away the Honour of the Day; but upon a farther
Tryal they found he was Master only of the merry Grinn.
The next that mounted the Table was a Malecontent in those Days, and a
great Master in the whole Art of Grinning, but particularly excelled in
the angry Grinn. He did his Part so well, that he is said to have made
half a dozen Women miscarry; but the Justice being apprised by one who
stood near him, that the Fellow who Grinned in his Face was a
Jacobite
, and being unwilling that a Disaffected Person should
win the Gold Ring, and be looked upon as the best Grinner in the
Country, he ordered the Oaths to be tendered unto him upon his quitting
the Table, which the Grinner refusing, he was set aside as an
unqualified Person. There were several other Grotesque Figures that
presented themselves, which it would be too tedious to describe. I must
not however omit a Ploughman, who lived in the farther Part of the
Country, and being very lucky in a Pair of long Lanthorn-Jaws, wrung his
face into such a hideous Grimace that every Feature of it appeared under
a different Distortion. The whole Company stood astonished at such a
complicated Grinn, and were ready to assign the Prize to him, had it not
been proved by one of his Antagonists, that he had practised with
Verjuice for some Days before, and had a Crab found upon him at the very
time of Grinning; upon which the best Judges of Grinning declared it as
their Opinion, that he was not to be looked upon as a fair Grinner, and
therefore ordered him to be set aside as a Cheat.
The Prize, it seems, fell at length upon a Cobler,
Giles Gorgon
by Name, who produced several new Grinns of his own Invention, having
been used to cut Faces for many Years together over his Last. At the
very first Grinn he cast every Human Feature out of his Countenance; at
the second he became the Face of a Spout; at the third a Baboon, at the
fourth the Head of a Base-Viol, and at the fifth a Pair of Nut-Crackers.
The whole Assembly wondered at his Accomplishments, and bestowed the
Ring on him unanimously; but, what he esteemed more than all the rest, a
Country Wench, whom he had wooed in vain for above five Years before,
was so charmed with his Grinns, and the Applauses which he received on
all Sides, that she Married him the Week following, and to this Day
wears the Prize upon her Finger, the Cobler having made use of it as his
Wedding-Ring.
Paper might perhaps seem very impertinent, if it grew serious in
the Conclusion. I would nevertheless leave it to the Consideration of
those who are the Patrons of this monstrous Tryal of Skill, whether or
no they are not guilty, in some measure, of an Affront to their Species,
in treating after this manner the
Human Face Divine
, and turning
that Part of us, which has so great an Image impressed upon it, into the
Image of a Monkey; whether the raising such silly Competitions among the
Ignorant, proposing Prizes for such useless Accomplishments, filling the
common People's Heads with such Senseless Ambitions, and inspiring them
with such absurd Ideas of Superiority and Preheminence, has not in it
something Immoral as well as Ridiculous
.
L.
Sept. 1, 1695.
horridly
. Neither is quite right.
'Death Grinn'd horrible a ghastly smile.'
P. L.
, Bk. II. 1. 864.
Two volumes of
Original Letters
sent to the Tatler and
Spectator and not inserted, were published by Charles Lillie in 1725. In
Vol. II. (pp. 72, 73), is a letter from Coleshill, informing the
Spectator that in deference to his opinion, and chiefly through the
mediation of some neighbouring ladies, the Grinning Match had been
abandoned, and requesting his advice as to the disposal of the Grinning
Prize.
Contents
Contents p.6
|
Wednesday,
September 19, 1711 |
Steele |
Hæc memini et victum frustra contendere Thyrsin.
Virg.
There is scarce any thing more common than Animosities between Parties
that cannot subsist but by their Agreement: this was well represented in
the Sedition of the Members of the humane Body in the old
Roman
Fable. It is often the Case of lesser confederate States against a
superior Power, which are hardly held together, though their Unanimity
is necessary for their common Safety: and this is always the Case of the
landed and trading Interest of
Great Britain
: the Trader is fed
by the Product of the Land, and the landed Man cannot be clothed but by
the Skill of the Trader; and yet those Interests are ever jarring.
We had last Winter an Instance of this at our Club, in Sir
Roger De
Coverley
and Sir
Andrew Freeport
, between whom there is generally a
constant, though friendly, Opposition of Opinions.
happened that one
of the Company, in an Historical Discourse, was observing, that
Carthaginian
Faith
was a proverbial
Phrase to intimate Breach of Leagues. Sir
Roger
said it could hardly be
otherwise: That the
Carthaginians
were the greatest Traders in
the World; and as Gain is the chief End of such a People, they never
pursue any other: The Means to it are never regarded; they will, if it
comes easily, get Money honestly; but if not, they will not scruple to
attain it by Fraud or Cozenage: And indeed, what is the whole Business
of the Trader's Account, but to over-reach him who trusts to his Memory?
But were that not so, what can there great and noble be expected from
him whose Attention is for ever fixed upon ballancing his Books, and
watching over his Expences? And at best, let Frugality and Parsimony be
the Virtues of the Merchant, how much is his punctual Dealing below a
Gentleman's Charity to the Poor, or Hospitality among his Neighbours?
Captain Sentry
observed Sir
Andrew
very diligent in hearing Sir
Roger
,
and had a mind to turn the Discourse, by taking notice in general, from
the highest to the lowest Parts of human Society, there was a secret,
tho' unjust, Way among Men, of indulging the Seeds of ill Nature and
Envy, by comparing their own State of Life to that of another, and
grudging the Approach of their Neighbour to their own Happiness; and on
the other Side, he who is the less at his Ease, repines at the other
who, he thinks, has unjustly the Advantage over him. Thus the Civil and
Military Lists look upon each other with much ill Nature; the Soldier
repines at the Courtier's Power, and the Courtier rallies the Soldier's
Honour; or, to come to lower Instances, the private Men in the Horse and
Foot of an Army, the Carmen and Coachmen in the City Streets, mutually
look upon each other with ill Will, when they are in Competition for
Quarters or the Way, in their respective Motions.
It is very well, good Captain, interrupted Sir
Andrew
: You may attempt
to turn the Discourse if you think fit; but I must however have a Word
or two with Sir
Roger
, who, I see, thinks he has paid me off, and been
very severe upon the Merchant. I shall not, continued he, at this time
remind Sir
Roger
of the great and noble Monuments of Charity and Publick
Spirit, which have been erected by Merchants since the Reformation, but
at present content my self with what he allows us, Parsimony and
Frugality. If it were consistent with the Quality of so antient a
Baronet as Sir
Roger
, to keep an Account, or measure Things by the most
infallible Way, that of Numbers, he would prefer our Parsimony to his
Hospitality. If to drink so many Hogsheads is to be Hospitable, we do
not contend for the Fame of that Virtue; but it would be worth while to
consider, whether so many Artificers at work ten Days together by my
Appointment, or so many Peasants made merry on Sir
Roger's
Charge, are
the Men more obliged? I believe the Families of the Artificers will
thank me, more than the Households of the Peasants shall Sir
Roger
. Sir
Roger
gives to his Men, but I place mine above the Necessity or
Obligation of my Bounty. I am in very little Pain for the
Roman
Proverb upon the
Carthaginian
Traders; the
Romans
were
their professed Enemies: I am only sorry no
Carthaginian
Histories have come to our Hands; we might have been taught perhaps by
them some Proverbs against the
Roman
Generosity, in fighting for
and bestowing other People's Goods. But since Sir
Roger
has taken
Occasion from an old Proverb to be out of Humour with Merchants, it
should be no Offence to offer one not quite so old in their Defence.
When a Man happens to break in
Holland
, they say of him that
he has not kept true Accounts
. This Phrase, perhaps, among us,
would appear a soft or humorous way of speaking, but with that exact
Nation it bears the highest Reproach; for a Man to be Mistaken in the
Calculation of his Expence, in his Ability to answer future Demands, or
to be impertinently sanguine in putting his Credit to too great
Adventure, are all Instances of as much Infamy as with gayer Nations to
be failing in Courage or common Honesty.
Numbers are so much the Measure of every thing that is valuable, that it
is not possible to demonstrate the Success of any Action, or the
Prudence of any Undertaking, without them. I say this in Answer to what
Sir
Roger
is pleased to say, That little that is truly noble can be
expected from one who is ever poring on his Cashbook, or ballancing his
Accounts. When I have my Returns from abroad, I can tell to a Shilling,
by the Help of Numbers, the Profit or Loss by my Adventure; but I ought
also to be able to shew that I had Reason for making it, either from my
own Experience or that of other People, or from a reasonable Presumption
that my Returns will be sufficient to answer my Expence and Hazard; and
this is never to be done without the Skill of Numbers. For Instance, if
I am to trade to
Turkey
, I ought beforehand to know the Demand of
our Manufactures there, as well as of their Silks in
England
, and
the customary Prices that are given for both in each Country. I ought to
have a clear Knowledge of these Matters beforehand, that I may presume
upon sufficient Returns to answer the Charge of the Cargo I have fitted
out, the Freight and Assurance out and home, the Custom to the Queen,
and the Interest of my own Money, and besides all these Expences a
reasonable Profit to my self. Now what is there of Scandal in this
Skill? What has the Merchant done, that he should be so little in the
good Graces of Sir
Roger
? He throws down no Man's Enclosures, and
tramples upon no Man's Corn; he takes nothing from the industrious
Labourer; he pays the poor Man for his Work; he communicates his Profit
with Mankind; by the Preparation of his Cargo and the Manufacture of his
Returns, he furnishes Employment and Subsistence to greater Numbers than
the richest Nobleman; and even the Nobleman is obliged to him for
finding out foreign Markets for the Produce of his Estate, and for
making a great Addition to his Rents; and yet 'tis certain, that none of
all these Things could be done by him without the Exercise of his Skill
in Numbers.
This is the Œconomy of the Merchant; and the Conduct of the Gentleman
must be the same, unless by scorning to be the Steward, he resolves the
Steward shall be the Gentleman. The Gentleman, no more than the
Merchant, is able, without the Help of Numbers, to account for the
Success of any Action, or the Prudence of any Adventure. If, for
Instance, the Chace is his whole Adventure, his only Returns must be the
Stag's Horns in the great Hall, and the Fox's Nose upon the Stable Door.
Without Doubt Sir
Roger
knows the full Value of these Returns; and if
beforehand he had computed the Charges of the Chace, a Gentleman of his
Discretion would certainly have hanged up all his Dogs, he would never
have brought back so many fine Horses to the Kennel, he would never have
gone so often, like a Blast, over Fields of Corn. If such too had been
the Conduct of all his Ancestors, he might truly have boasted at this
Day, that the Antiquity of his Family had never been sullied by a Trade;
a Merchant had never been permitted with his whole Estate to purchase a
Room for his Picture in the Gallery of the
Coverleys
, or to claim his
Descent from the Maid of Honour. But 'tis very happy for Sir
Roger
that
the Merchant paid so dear for his Ambition. 'Tis the Misfortune of many
other Gentlemen to turn out of the Seats of their Ancestors, to make way
for such new Masters as have been more exact in their Accounts than
themselves; and certainly he deserves the Estate a great deal better,
who has got it by his Industry, than he who has lost it by his
Negligence.
T.
Punica fides.
Contents
Contents p.6
|
Thursday,
September 20, 1711 |
Budgell |
Proximus à tectis ignis defenditur ægre:
Ov. Rem. Am.
I shall this Day entertain my Readers with two or three Letters I have
received from my Correspondents: The first discovers to me a Species of
Females which have hitherto escaped my Notice, and is as follows.
Mr. Spectator,
'I am a young Gentleman of a competent Fortune, and a sufficient Taste
of Learning, to spend five or six Hours every Day very agreeably among
my Books. That I might have nothing to divert me from my Studies, and
to avoid the Noises of Coaches and Chair-men, I have taken Lodgings in
a very narrow Street, not far from Whitehall; but it is my
Misfortune to be so posted, that my Lodgings are directly opposite to
those of a Jezebel. You are to know, Sir, that a Jezebel
(so call'd by the Neighbourhood from displaying her pernicious Charms
at her Window) appears constantly dress'd at her Sash, and has a
thousand little Tricks and Fooleries to attract the Eyes of all the
idle young Fellows in the Neighbourhood. I have seen more than six
Persons at once from their several Windows observing the
Jezebel I am now complaining of. I at first looked on her my
self with the highest Contempt, could divert my self with her Airs for
half an Hour, and afterwards take up my Plutarch with great
Tranquillity of Mind; but was a little vexed to find that in less than
a Month she had considerably stoln upon my Time, so that I resolved to
look at her no more. But the Jezebel, who, as I suppose, might
think it a Diminution to her Honour, to have the Number of her Gazers
lessen'd, resolved not to part with me so, and began to play so many
new Tricks at her Window, that it was impossible for me to forbear
observing her. I verily believe she put her self to the Expence of a
new Wax Baby on purpose to plague me; she us'd to dandle and play with
this Figure as impertinently as if it had been a real Child: sometimes
she would let fall a Glove or a Pin Cushion in the Street, and shut or
open her Casement three or four times in a Minute. When I had almost
wean'd my self from this, she came in her Shift-Sleeves, and dress'd
at the Window. I had no Way left but to let down my Curtains, which I
submitted to, though it considerably darkned my Room, and was pleased
to think that I had at last got the better of her; but was surpriz'd
the next Morning to hear her talking out of her Window quite cross the
Street, with another Woman that lodges over me: I am since informed,
that she made her a Visit, and got acquainted with her within three
Hours after the Fall of my Window Curtains.
Sir, I am plagued every Moment in the Day one way or other in my own
Chambers; and the Jezebel has the Satisfaction to know, that,
tho' I am not looking at her, I am list'ning to her impertinent
Dialogues that pass over my Head. I would immediately change my
Lodgings, but that I think it might look like a plain Confession that
I am conquer'd; and besides this, I am told that most Quarters of the
Town are infested with these Creatures. If they are so, I am sure 'tis
such an Abuse, as a Lover of Learning and Silence ought to take notice
of.
I am, Sir,
Yours, &c.'
I am afraid, by some Lines in this Letter, that my young Student is
touched with a Distemper which he hardly seems to dream of and is too
far gone in it to receive Advice. However, I shall animadvert in due
time on the Abuse which he mentions, having my self observed a Nest of
Jezebels
near the
Temple
, who make it their Diversion to
draw up the Eyes of young Templars, that at the same time they may see
them stumble in an unlucky Gutter which runs under the Window.
Mr.
Spectator,
'I have lately read the Conclusion of your forty-seventh Speculation
upon
Butts with great Pleasure, and have ever since been
thoroughly perswaded that one of those Gentlemen is extreamly
necessary to enliven Conversation. I had an Entertainment last Week
upon the Water for a Lady to whom I make my Addresses, with several of
our Friends of both Sexes. To divert the Company in general, and to
shew my Mistress in particular my Genius for Raillery, I took one of
the most celebrated
Butts in Town along with me. It is with the
utmost Shame and Confusion that I must acquaint you with the Sequel of
my Adventure: As soon as we were got into the Boat, I played a
Sentence or two at my
Butt which I thought very smart, when my
ill Genius, who I verily believe inspir'd him purely for my
Destruction, suggested to him such a Reply, as got all the Laughter on
his Side. I was clashed at so unexpected a Turn; which the
Butt
perceiving, resolved not to let me recover my self, and pursuing his
Victory, rallied and tossed me in a most unmerciful and barbarous
manner 'till we came to
Chelsea. I had some small Success while
we were eating Cheese-Cakes; but coming Home, he renewed his Attacks
with his former good Fortune, and equal Diversion to the whole
Company. In short, Sir, I must ingenuously own that I was never so
handled in all my Life; and to compleat my Misfortune, I am since told
that the
Butt, flushed with his late Victory, has made a Visit
or two to the dear Object of my Wishes,
so that I am at once in danger
of losing all my Pretensions to Wit, and my Mistress
into1 the
Bargain. This, Sir, is a true Account of my present Troubles, which
you are the more obliged to assist me in, as you were your self in a
great measure the Cause of them, by recommending to us an Instrument,
and not instructing us at the same time how to play upon it.
I have been thinking whether it might not be highly convenient, that
all
Butts should wear an Inscription affixed to some Part of
their Bodies, shewing on which Side they are to be come at, and that
if any of them are Persons of unequal Tempers, there should be some
Method taken to inform the World at what Time it is safe to attack
them, and when you had best to let them alone. But, submitting these
Matters to your more serious Consideration,
I am, Sir,
Yours, &c.'
I have, indeed, seen and heard of several young Gentlemen under the same
Misfortune with my present Correspondent. The best Rule I can lay down
for them to avoid the like Calamities for the future, is thoroughly to
consider not only
Whether their Companions are weak
, but
Whether themselves are Wits
.
The following Letter comes to me from
Exeter
, and being credibly
informed that what it contains is Matter of Fact, I shall give it my
Reader as it was sent me.
Mr.
Spectator,
Exeter, Sept. 7.
'You were pleased in a late Speculation to take notice of the
Inconvenience we lie under in the Country, in not being able to keep
Pace with the Fashion: But there is another Misfortune which we are
subject to, and is no less grievous than the former, which has
hitherto escaped your Observation. I mean, the having Things palmed
upon us for
London Fashions, which were never once heard of
there.
A Lady of this Place had some time since a Box of the newest Ribbons
sent down by the Coach: Whether it was her own malicious Invention, or
the Wantonness of a
London Milliner, I am not able to inform
you; but, among the rest, there was one Cherry-coloured Ribbon,
consisting of about half a Dozen Yards, made up in the Figure of a
small Head-Dress. The foresaid Lady had the Assurance to affirm,
amidst a Circle of Female Inquisitors, who were present at the opening
of the Box, that this was the newest Fashion worn at Court.
Accordingly the next
Sunday we had several Females, who came to
Church with their Heads dress'd wholly in Ribbons, and looked like so
many Victims ready to be Sacrificed. This is still a reigning Mode
among us. At the same time we have a Set of Gentlemen who take the
Liberty to appear in all Publick Places without any Buttons to their
Coats, which they supply with several little Silver Hasps, tho' our
freshest Advices from
London make no mention of any such
Fashion;
and we are something shy of affording Matter to the
Button-Makers for a second Petition
2.
What I would humbly propose to the Publick is, that there may be a
Society erected in
London, to consist of the most skilful
Persons of both Sexes, for the
Inspection of Modes and
Fashions; and that hereafter no Person or Persons shall presume to
appear singularly habited in any Part of the Country, without a
Testimonial from the foresaid Society, that their Dress is answerable
to the Mode at
London. By this means, Sir, we shall know a
little whereabout we are.
If you could bring this Matter to bear, you would very much oblige
great Numbers of your Country Friends, and among the rest,
Your very Humble Servant,
Jack Modish.
X.
in
In 1609 the Button-Makers sent a petition to Parliament,
which produced the Act of the 8th year of Anne (1709), framed because
'the maintenance and subsistence of many thousands of men, women and
children depends upon the making of silk, mohair, gimp, and thread
buttons, and button-holes with the needle,' and these have been ruined
by 'a late unforeseen practice of making and binding button-holes with
cloth, serge,' &c.
Contents
Contents p.6
|
Friday,
September 21, 1711 |
Steele |
Parvula, pumilio, Greek: charít_on mia lota merum Sal.
Luc.
There are in the following Letter Matters, which I, a Batchelor, cannot
be supposed to be acquainted with; therefore shall not pretend to
explain upon it till further Consideration, but leave the Author of the
Epistle to express his Condition his own Way.
Mr.
Spectator.
'I do not deny but you appear in many of your Papers to understand
Human Life pretty well; but there are very many Things which you
cannot possibly have a true Notion of, in a single Life; these are
such as respect the married State; otherwise I cannot account for your
having overlooked a very good Sort of People, which are commonly
called in Scorn the
Henpeckt. You are to understand that I am
one of those innocent Mortals who suffer Derision under that Word for
being governed by the best of Wives. It would be worth your
Consideration to enter into the Nature of Affection it self, and tell
us, according to your Philosophy, why it is that our Dears shall do
what they will with us, shall be froward, ill-natured, assuming,
sometimes whine, at others rail, then swoon away, then come to Life,
have the Use of Speech to the greatest Fluency imaginable, and then
sink away again, and all because they fear we do not love them enough:
that is, the poor things love us so heartily, that they cannot think
it possible we should be able to love them in so great a Degree, which
makes them take on so. I say, Sir, a true good-natured Man, whom Rakes
and Libertines call
Hen-peckt, shall fall into all these
different Moods with his dear Life, and at the same time see they are
wholly put on; and yet not be hard-hearted enough to tell the dear
good Creature that she is an Hypocrite. This sort of good Man is very
frequent in the populous and wealthy City of
London, and is the
true
Hen-peckt Man; the kind Creature cannot break through his
Kindnesses so far as to come to an Explanation with the tender Soul,
and therefore goes on to comfort her when nothing ails her, to appease
her when she is not angry, and to give her his Cash when he knows she
does not want it; rather than be uneasy for a whole Month, which is
computed by hard-hearted Men the Space of Time which a froward Woman
takes to come to her self, if you have Courage to stand out.
There are indeed several other Species of the
Hen-peckt, and in
my Opinion they are certainly the best Subjects the Queen has; and for
that Reason I take it to be your Duty to keep us above Contempt.
I do not know whether I make my self understood in the Representation
of an Hen-peckt Life, but I shall take leave to give you an Account of
my self, and my own Spouse. You are to know that I am reckoned no
Fool, have on several Occasions been tried whether I will take ill
Usage, and yet the Event has been to my Advantage; and yet there is
not such a Slave in
Turkey as I am to my Dear. She has a good
Share of Wit, and is what you call a very pretty agreeable Woman. I
perfectly doat on her, and my Affection to her gives me all the
Anxieties imaginable but that of Jealousy. My being thus confident of
her, I take, as much as I can judge of my Heart, to be the Reason,
that whatever she does, tho' it be never so much against my
Inclination, there is still left something in her Manner that is
amiable. She will sometimes look at me with an assumed Grandeur, and
pretend to resent that I have not had Respect enough for her Opinion
in such an Instance in Company. I cannot but smile at the pretty Anger
she is in, and then she pretends she is used like a Child. In a Word,
our great Debate is, which has the Superiority in point of
Understanding. She is eternally forming an Argument of Debate; to
which I very indolently answer, Thou art mighty pretty. To this she
answers, All the World but you think I have as much Sense as your
self. I repeat to her, Indeed you are pretty. Upon this there is no
Patience; she will throw down any thing about her, stamp and pull off
her Head-Cloaths. Fie, my Dear, say I; how can a Woman of your Sense
fall into such an intemperate Rage? This is an Argument which never
fails. Indeed, my Dear, says she, you make me mad sometimes, so you
do, with the silly Way you have of treating me like a pretty Idiot.
Well, what have I got by putting her into good Humour? Nothing, but
that I must convince her of my good Opinion by my Practice; and then I
am to give her Possession of my little Ready Money, and, for a Day and
half following, dislike all she dislikes, and extol every thing she
approves. I am so exquisitely fond of this Darling, that I seldom see
any of my Friends, am uneasy in all Companies till I see her again;
and when I come home she is in the Dumps, because she says she is sure
I came so soon only because I think her handsome. I dare not upon this
Occasion laugh; but tho' I am one of the warmest Churchmen in the
Kingdom, I am forced to rail at the Times, because she is a violent
Whig. Upon this we talk Politicks so long, that she is convinc'd I
kiss her for her Wisdom.
It is a common Practice with me to ask her
some Question concerning the Constitution, which she answers me in
general out of
Harington's Oceana1: Then I commend her
strange Memory, and her Arm is immediately lock'd in mine. While I
keep her in this Temper she plays before me, sometimes dancing in the
Midst of the Room, sometimes striking an Air at her Spinnet, varying
her Posture and her Charms in such a Manner that I am in continual
Pleasure: She will play the Fool if I allow her to be wise; but if she
suspects I like her for
her Trifling, she immediately grows grave.
These are the Toils in which I am taken, and I carry off my Servitude
as well as most Men; but my Application to you is in Behalf of the
Hen-peckt in general, and I desire a Dissertation from you in
Defence of us. You have, as I am informed, very good Authorities in
our Favour, and hope you will not omit the mention of the Renowned
Socrates, and his Philosophick Resignation to his Wife
Xantippe. This would be a very good Office to the World in
general, for the
Hen-peckt are powerful in their Quality and
Numbers, not only in Cities but in Courts; in the latter they are ever
the most obsequious, in the former the most wealthy of all Men. When
you have considered Wedlock throughly, you ought to enter into the
Suburbs of Matrimony, and give us an Account of the Thraldom of kind
Keepers and irresolute Lovers; the Keepers who cannot quit their Fair
Ones tho' they see their approaching Ruin; the Lovers who dare not
marry, tho' they know they never shall be happy without the Mistresses
whom they cannot purchase on other Terms.
What will be a great Embellishment to your Discourse, will be, that
you may find Instances of the Haughty, the Proud, the Frolick, the
Stubborn, who are each of them in secret downright Slaves to their
Wives or Mistresses. I must beg of you in the last Place to dwell upon
this, That the Wise and Valiant in all Ages have been
Hen-peckt: and that the sturdy Tempers who are not Slaves to
Affection, owe that Exemption to their being enthralled by Ambition,
Avarice, or some meaner Passion. I have ten thousand thousand Things
more to say, but my Wife sees me Writing, and will, according to
Custom, be consulted, if I do not seal this immediately.
Yours,
T. Nathaniel Henroost.'