Host. O Jesu, my lord the prince![2492]
Prince. How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest
thou to me?275
Host. Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the[2493]
court at door would speak with you: he says he comes
from your father.
Prince. Give him as much as will make him a royal
man, and send him back again to my mother.280
Fal. What manner of man is he?
Host. An old man.
Fal. What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight?
Shall I give him his answer?
Prince. Prithee, do, Jack.285
Fal. 'Faith, and I'll send him packing. [Exit.
Prince. Now, sirs: by'r lady, you fought fair; so did[2494]
you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you[2495]
ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince;
no, fie!290
Bard. Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
Prince. Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff's[2496]
sword so hacked?
Peto. Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he
would swear truth out of England but he would make you295
believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
Bard. Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to[2497]
make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments[2498]
with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did
that I did not this seven year before, I blushed to hear his[2499]300
monstrous devices.[2500]
Prince. O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen
years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since[2501]
thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword
on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what instinct305
hadst thou for it?
Bard. My lord, do you see these meteors? do you
behold these exhalations?
Prince. I do.
Bard. What think you they portend?310
Prince. Hot livers and cold purses.
Bard. Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
Prince. No, if rightly taken, halter.
Re-enter Falstaff.[2502]
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone. How now,[2503]
my sweet creature of bombast! How long is't ago, Jack,[2504]315
since thou sawest thine own knee?
Fal. My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal,
I was not an eagle's talon in the waist; I could have crept[2505]
into any alderman's thumb-ring: a plague of sighing and[2506]
grief! it blows a man up like a bladder. There's villanous320
news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your father;[2507]
you must to the court in the morning. That same mad[2508]
fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave
Amamon the bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and[2509]
swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh325
hook—what a plague call you him?
Fal. Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer,[2511]
and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot[2512]
of Scots, Douglas, that runs o' horseback up a hill[2513]330
perpendicular,—
Prince. He that rides at high speed and with his[2514]
pistol kills a sparrow flying.
Fal. You have hit it.
Prince. So did he never the sparrow.335
Fal. Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he[2515]
will not run.
Prince. Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise
him so for running!
Fal. O' horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot he will not[2516]340
budge a foot.
Prince. Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
Fal. I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too,
and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more: Worcester
is stolen away to-night; thy father's beard is turned[2517]345
white with the news: you may buy land now as cheap as
stinking mackerel.
Prince. Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot[2518]
June and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads[2519]
as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.[2520]350
Fal. By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we
shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not[2521][2522]
thou horrible afeard? thou being heir-apparent, could the[2522][2523]
world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend
Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? art355
thou not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?[2524]
Prince. Not a whit, i' faith; I lack some of thy instinct.[2525]
Fal. Well, thou wilt be horribly chid to-morrow when[2526]
thou comest to thy father: if thou love me, practise an[2527]
answer.360
Prince. Do thou stand for my father, and examine
me upon the particulars of my life.
Fal. Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state,
this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
Prince. Thy state is taken for a joined-stool, thy[2528]365
golden sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich
crown for a pitiful bald crown!
Fal. Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of[2529]
thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to
make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have[2530]370
wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King
Cambyses' vein.
Prince. Well, here is my leg.[2531]
Fal. And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
Host. O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i' faith![2532]375
Fal. Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.[2533]
Host. O, the father, how he holds his countenance![2534]
Fal. For God's sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;[2535]
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
Host. O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry[2536]380
players as ever I see!
Fal. Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain.
Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time,
but also how thou art accompanied: for though the camomile,
the more it is trodden on the faster it grows, yet[2537]385
youth, the more it is wasted the sooner it wears. That thou[2538]
art my son, I have partly thy mother's word, partly my
own opinion, but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye and[2539]
a foolish hanging of thy nether lip, that doth warrant me.[2540]
If then thou be son to me, here lies the point; why, being[2541]390
son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun[2542]
of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? a question
not to be asked. Shall the son of England prove a thief
and take purses? a question to be asked. There is a thing,
Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known to395
many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient
writers do report, doth defile; so doth the company thou
keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink
but in tears, not in pleasure but in passion, not in words
only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man400
whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not
his name.
Prince. What manner of man, an it like your majesty?[2543]
Fal. A goodly portly man, i' faith, and a corpulent; of[2544]
a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage;405
and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by'r lady, inclining to
three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff:
if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for,[2545]
Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be[2546]
known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then,[2546]410
peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep
with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty[2547]
varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?
Prince. Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand
for me, and I'll play my father.415
Fal. Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so[2548]
majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the[2549]
heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter's hare.[2550]
Prince. Well, here I am set.
Fal. And here I stand: judge, my masters.420
Prince. Now, Harry, whence come you?
Fal. My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
Prince. The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
Fal. 'Sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I'll tickle ye[2551]
for a young prince, i' faith.[2552]425
Prince. Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth
ne'er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from
grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old[2553]
fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou[2553]
converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of[2554]430
beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard
of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted
Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that[2555]
reverend vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that[2556]
vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack435
and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon
and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty,
but in villany? wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein
worthy, but in nothing?
Fal. I would your grace would take me with you:440
whom means your grace?
Prince. That villanous abominable misleader of youth,
Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.[2557]
Fal. My lord, the man I know.
Prince. I know thou dost.445
Fal. But to say I know more harm in him than in myself,
were to say more than I know. That he is old, the
more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but that he is,[2558]
saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny.
If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! if to be[2559]450
old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know
is damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh's lean
kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto,
banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff,
kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff,455
and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff,
banish not him thy Harry's company, banish not him[2560]
thy Harry's company: banish plump Jack, and banish all
the world.
Prince. I do, I will. [A knocking-heard.[2561]460
[Exeunt Hostess, Francis, and Bardolph.
Re-enter Bardolph, running.[2562]
Bard. O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most[2563]
monstrous watch is at the door.[2564]
Fal. Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much[2565]
to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Re-enter the Hostess.[2566]
Host. O Jesu, my lord, my lord!—[2567]465
Prince. Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a[2568]
fiddlestick: what's the matter?
Host. The sheriff and all the watch are at the door:
they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
Fal. Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold[2569]470
a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad, without seeming so.[2570]
Prince. And thou a natural coward, without instinct.[2571]
Fal. I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so;
if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another
man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as475
soon be strangled with a halter as another.
Prince. Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk
up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good[2572]
conscience.
Fal. Both which I have had: but their date is out, and480
therefore I'll hide me.
Prince. Call in the sheriff.
[Exeunt all except the Prince and Peto.
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier.[2573]
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?[2574]
Sher. First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry[2575]
Hath follow'd certain men unto this house.[2575]485
Prince. What men?
Car. As fat as butter.
Prince. The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employ'd him.490
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee[2578]
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.495
Sher. I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.[2579]
Prince. It may be so: if he have robb'd these men,
He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
Sher. Good night, my noble lord.500
Prince. I think it is good morrow, is it not?
Sher. Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o'clock.
[Exeunt Sheriff and Carrier.[2580]
Prince. This oily rascal is known as well as Paul's.
Go, call him forth.
Peto. Falstaff!—Fast asleep behind the arras, and[2581]505
snorting like a horse.
Prince. Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search[2582]
his pockets. [He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain[2583]
papers.] What hast thou found?
Peto. Nothing but papers, my lord.[2581]510
Prince. Let's see what they be: read them.[2584]
Peto. [reads] Item, A capon, 2s. 2d.[2585]
Item, Sauce, 4d.
Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d.
Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.[2586]515
Item, Bread, ob.[2587]
Prince. O monstrous! but one half-pennyworth of bread
to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep
close; we'll read it at more advantage: there let him sleep
till day. I'll to the court in the morning. We must all to520
the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I'll procure
this fat rogue a charge of foot; and I know his death will
be a march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid back[2588]
again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning;
and so, good morrow, Peto.[2589] [Exeunt.525
Peto. Good morrow, good my lord.[2581]