How shall I feast him? what
bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
5
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
Mar. He's coming, madam; but in
very strange manner.
He is, sure, possessed, madam.
10
Oli. Why, what's the matter? does he
rave?
Mar. No, madam, he does
nothing but smile: your
ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if he
come; for, sure, the man is tainted
in's wits.
15
If sad and
merry madness equal be.
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
20
Mal. Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but what of
that? if it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very
true sonnet
is, 'Please one, and please all.'
Oli. Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter
25
with thee?
Mal. Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs.
It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed:
Oli. Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
30
Mal. To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
Oli. God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and
kiss thy hand so oft?
Mar. How do you, Malvolio?
Mal. At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
35
Mar. Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness
before my lady?
Mal.'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
Oli. What
meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
Mal. 'Some are born great,'—
Mal. 'Some achieve greatness,'—
Mal. 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
Oli. Heaven restore thee!
45
Mal. 'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'—
Oli. Thy yellow stockings!
Mal. 'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
50
Mal. 'Go to, thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'—
Mal. 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
Oli. Why, this is
very midsummer madness.
Ser. Madam, the young gentleman of the
Count Orsino's
55
is returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
attends your ladyship's pleasure.
let this fellow be looked to. Where's my
cousin Toby?
Let some of my people have a special care of him: I would
60
not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
Mal. O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man
than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear
stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter.
65
'Cast thy humble slough,' says she; 'be opposite with a
kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue
tang with arguments
of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity;'
and consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad face,
a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir
70
of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is
Jove's
doing, and
Jove make me thankful! And when she went
away now, 'Let this fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio,
nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a
75
scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance—What
can be said? Nothing that can be can come between
me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove,
not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Re-enter Maria,
with Sir Toby and Fabian.
Sir To. Which way is he, in the name of
sanctity? If
80
all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself
possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
Fab. Here he is, here he is.
How is't with you, sir?
how is't with you, man?
Mal. Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my
private:
85
go off.
Mar. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did
not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
care of him.
Mal. Ah, ha! does she so?
90
Sir To. Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal
gently with him: let
me alone. How
do you, Malvolio?
how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil; consider,
he's an enemy to mankind.
Mal. Do you know what you say?
95
Mar. La you,
an you speak ill of the devil, how he
takes it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
Fab. Carry his water to the wise woman.
Mar. Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning,
if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll
100
say.
Sir To. Prithee, hold thy peace;
this is not the way:
105
Fab. No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend
is rough, and will not be roughly used.
Sir To. Why, how now, my
bawcock! how dost thou,
chuck?
110
Sir To. Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis
not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang him,
foul collier!
Mar. Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get
him to pray.
115
Mal. My prayers, minx!
Mar. No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
Mal. Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
things: I am not of your element: you shall know more
hereafter. [Exit.
120
Sir To. Is't possible?
Fab. If this were played upon a stage now, I could
condemn it as an improbable fiction.
Sir To. His very genius hath taken the infection of
the device, man.
125
Mar. Nay, pursue him now,
lest the device take air
and taint.
Fab. Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
Mar. The house
will be the quieter.
Sir To. Come, we'll have him in a dark room and
130
bound. My niece is already in the belief that he's mad:
we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till
our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have
mercy on him: at which time we will bring the device to
the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see,
135
but see.
Fab. More matter for a May morning.
Sir And. Here's the challenge, read it: I warrant
there's vinegar and pepper in't.
140
Sir And. Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.
Sir To. Give me.
[Reads] Youth, whatsoever thou art,
thou art but a scurvy fellow.
Sir To. [reads] Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why
145
I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.
Fab. A
good note; that keeps you from the blow of
the law.
Sir To. [reads] Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the
150
matter I challenge thee for.
Sir To. [reads] I will waylay thee going home; where if it be
thy chance to kill me,—
155
Sir To. [reads] Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.
Fab. Still you keep o' the windy side of the law:
good.
Sir To. [reads] Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one
of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better,
160
and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn
enemy, Andrew Aguecheek.
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't
him.
Mar. You may have very fit occasion for't: he is
165
now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by
depart.
Sir To. Go, Sir Andrew; scout me for him at the corner
of the orchard like a
bum-baily: so soon as ever thou
seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest, swear
horrible; for
170
it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering
accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation
than ever proof itself would have earned him.
Away!
Sir And. Nay, let me alone for swearing. [Exit.
175
Sir To. Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behaviour
of the young gentleman gives him out to be of
good capacity and breeding; his employment between his
lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this letter,
being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the
180
youth: he will find
it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will
deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek
a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman,
as I know his youth will aptly receive it, into a most
hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
185
This will so fright them both, that they will kill one another
by the look, like cockatrices.
Fab. Here he comes with your niece: give them way
till he take leave, and presently after him.
Sir To. I will meditate the while upon some horrid
190
message for a challenge.
Oli. I have said too much unto a heart of stone
And laid mine honour too unchary
out:
There's something in me that reproves my fault;
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
195
That it but mocks reproof.
Goes on my master's grief.
Oli. Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
200
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
Vio. Nothing but this;—your true love for my master.
Oli. How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?
205
Vio. I will acquit you.
Oli. Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell. [Exit.
Sir To. Gentleman, God save thee.
210
Sir To. That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of
what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know
not; but thy
intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the
hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end: dismount thy tuck,
be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful
215
and deadly.
quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear
from any image of offence done to any man.
Sir To. You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,
220
if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your
guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength,
skill and wrath can furnish
man withal.
Vio. I pray you, sir, what is he?
225
and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private
brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement
at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction
can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob,
nob, is his word; give't or take't.
230
Vio. I will return again into the house and desire some
conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of
some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to
taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk.
235
very
competent injury: therefore, get you on and give him
his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake
that with me which with as much safety you might
for meddle you must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron
240
about you.
Vio. This is
as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do
me this courteous office,
as to know of the knight what my
offence to him is: it is something of my negligence, nothing
of my purpose.
245
Sir To. I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this
gentleman till my return. [Exit.
Vio. Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
Fab. I know the knight is incensed against you, even
to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance
250
more.
Vio. I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
Fab. Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him
by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his
valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and
255
fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any
part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make
your peace with him if I can.
Vio. I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one
that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not
260
who knows so much of my mettle.
[Exeunt.
Sir To. Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen
such a
firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and
all, and he gives me the
stuck in with such a mortal motion,
that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays
you as
265
surely as your feet
hit the ground they step on. They say
he has been fencer to the Sophy.
Sir And. Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.
Sir To. Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian
270
Sir And. Plague on't,
an I thought he had been valiant
and so cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned
ere I'ld have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,
and I'll give him my horse, grey
Capilet.
Sir To. I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good
275
show on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.
[Aside] Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
persuaded him the youth's a devil.
Fab. He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and
280
looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
Sir To. [To Vio.] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight
with you for's
oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought
him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
scarce to be worth
talking of: therefore draw, for the supportance of his vow;
285
he protests he will not hurt you.
Vio. [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing
would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
Fab. Give ground, if you see him furious.
Sir To. Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the
290
gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with
you; he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has promised
me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you.
Come on; to't.
Sir And. Pray God, he keep his oath!
Ant. Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
If you offend him, I for him defy
you.
Sir To. You, sir! why, what are you?
300
Ant. One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
Sir To. Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
[They draw.
Fab. O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
Sir To. I'll be with you
anon.
305
Vio. Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you
please.
Sir And. Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised
you, I 'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily
and reins well.
First Off. This is the man; do thy office.
310
Sec. Off. Antonio, I arrest thee at the
suit of
Count Orsino.
Ant. You do mistake me, sir.
First Off. No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
315
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
Ant. I must obey.
[To Vio.] This comes with seeking you:
But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
320
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.
Sec. Off. Come, sir, away.
Ant. I must entreat of you some of that
money.
325
Vio. What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I'll lend you something: my having is not much;
330
I'll make division of my present with you:
Ant. Will you deny me now?
Is't possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
335
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
Vio. I know of none;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than
lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
340
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
Ant. O heavens themselves!
I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death;
345
Relieved him with such sanctity of
love;
And to
his image, which methought did promise
First Off. What's that to us? The time goes by: away!
Ant. But O how
vile an idol proves this god!
350
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there's no blemish but the mind;
None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:
Are empty trunks, o'erflourish'd by the devil.
355
First Off. The man grows mad: away with him!
Come, come, sir.
Vio. Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
That he believes himself: so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
360
That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
Sir To. Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian:
we'll whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
Vio. He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
365
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate:
O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love!
[Exit.
Sir To. A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward
370
than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend
here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship,
ask Fabian.
Fab. A coward,
a most devout coward, religious in it.
Sir And. 'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
375
Sir To. Do; cuff him soundly, but
never draw thy
sword.
Sir And. An I do
not,—
[Exit.
Fab. Come,
let's see the event.
Sir To. I dare lay
any money 'twill be nothing yet.
[Exeunt.