Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind?
Because it begins with a squall.

When is a baby not a baby?
When it is a little duck.

Why is an infant like a diamond?
Because it is a dear little thing.

When is a soldier like a baby?
When he is in arms.

When is butter like Irish children?
When it is made into little Pats.

Why is a church-clock like a little boy often receiving a beating?
Because it's hands move over it's face.

Why is a boy like a potato?
Because they both wear jackets.

Why is the earth like a school black-board?
Because the children of men multiply upon the face of it.

Why does a ladies' school, out for a walk, resemble the notes of a flute?
Because it goes two, two, two, two (toot-oot-oot-oot).

What tree is a lady's name?—Olive.

When do young ladies eat a musical instrument?
When they have a Piano-for-tea.

Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle?
Because it holds a gall-on.

Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard?
Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass.

Why is a flirt like a hollow India-rubber ball?
Because she is very empty and has a deal of bounce.

What is the difference between a soldier and a fashionable young lady?
One faces the powder and the other powders the face.

Why does an engine resemble a young lady?
Because it has a train behind, and puffs in the air (hair).

If a bear were to go into a linen-draper's shop, what would he want?
He would want muzzlin'.

What is the difference between a bantam cock, and a dirty housemaid?
One is a domestic foul and the other a foul domestic.

What were the first words Adam said to Eve?
Nobody knows.

How is it proved that woman was created before man?
Because Eve was the first maid (made).

What Christian name is spelt the same way backwards and forwards?
Hannah.

What is the difference between a person late for the train and a school-mistress?
One misses the train and the other trains the misses.

What Miss is always making blunders?
Mistake.

What Miss plays more tricks than a schoolboy?
Mischief.

What miss occasions a great many quarrels?
Mismanagement.

What is that which ladies look for, and never wish to find?
A hole in their stocking.

What is that which a man nearly always wears in his sleep, frequently takes off and never puts on again?
His beard.

What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four fingers and a thumb?
A glove.

Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a meeting?
Because there is a gathering there, and sometimes a good deal of bustle.

How does a well-fitting bonnet lose its identity?
Because it "becomes" the lady who wears it.

What is the sweetest thing in bonnets this season?
The ladies' faces.

Why is a kiss like a rumour?
Because it goes from mouth to mouth.

What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover?
The one kisses his misses, and the other misses his kisses.

Why are pretty girls like fire-works?
Because they soon go off.

Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies?
Because they want carrying out.

Why are lovers like apples?
Because they are often paired (pared).

Why is first love like a potato?
Because it shoots from the eyes and becomes all the less by pairing (paring).

Which age do most girls wish to attain?
Marri-age.

What kind of men do women like best?
Husband-men.

What ties two people together, yet touches one?
A wedding ring.

Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen?
Because by doing so he rings his own Nell (knell).

Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride?
Because the bride is given away, while the bridegroom is usually sold.

Why are ladies like bells?
Because you seldom know what metal they are made of till you ring them.

What money lasts longest when you get it?
Matrimony.

Why is matrimony like a besieged city?
Because those who are in it wish to be out, and those who are out wish to be in.

Why are some women like facts?
Because they are stubborn things.

Why are rough seats like domineering wives?
Because they wear the breeches.

Why are husband and wife ten, instead of one?
Because the wife is number one and the husband goes for nought.

Why was the Archbishop of Canterbury like the late Prince Consort?
Because he married the Queen.

Why is a nugget of gold found at Bendigo like the Prince of Wales?
Because it is the produce of Victoria and like to become a sovereign.

Why are ladies great thieves?
Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, and crib their babies.

In what month do ladies talk the least?
In February; because it's the shortest.

What is the difference between ladies and clocks?
One makes us remember time, and the other makes us forget it.

Why is an empty room like another full of married people?
Because there is not a single person in it.

The commonly received notion that a man may marry his first cousin, but must not marry his second is not true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is in Bourke Street, Melbourne, about half-way between Swanston and Elizabeth Sts.

The rumour that a Yankee Gentleman had invented a machine to take the noise out of thunder has turned out not to be true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is open from nine in the morning to ten at night, every working day in the year.

The fact that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books is not the cause of the sea being salt—of coca-nuts containing milk— of the growth of big gooseberries, nor of the multitude of great big fibs told annually about a sea-serpent.

It is not true that cats will suck the breath of children when they are asleep, but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade contains one interesting cat and 80,000 sorts of interesting books.

N.B.—The likeness of Cole's Cat can be seen on page 153.

Which is the greatest peer that England ever produced?
Shakespeare.

What is the grandest verse in existence?
The universe.

What is the greatest stand ever made for civilisation?
The inkstand.

What is that which, although black itself, enlightens the world?
Ink.

What is that which is full of knowledge, and yet knows nothing?
A book-case.

What is that which you and every living man have seen, but can never see again?
Yesterday.

What is that which no man ever did see, which never was, but always is to be?
To-morrow.

What thing is that that is lower with a head than without one?
A pillow.

What volume is sure to bring tears to your eyes?
A volume of smoke.

What is that which has form without substance, and size without weight?
A shadow.

Name me and you break me.
Silence.

What is that which renders life inert, and yet restores it?
Sleep.

Formed long ago, yet made today,
  Employed while others sleep,
What few would like to give away,
  Nor any wish to keep.
A bed.

What is that which flies high, flies low, wears shoes, and has no feet?
Dust.

What is that of which the common sort is best?
Sense.

What is that which we often return yet never borrow?
Thanks.

Name that bird which, if you do not, you must die?
Swallow.

What is that which you cannot hold for ten minutes although it is "as light as a feather?"
Your breath.

What is that which never was seen, felt, nor heard, never was and never will be, and yet has a name?
Nothing.

What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet gave two to each of his children?
Parents.

What is that we wish for, and when we have obtained we never know we have it?
Sleep.

When is it that a person ought not to keep his temper?
When it is a bad one.

What is yours, and is used by others more than yourself?
Your name.

Can a man's pocket be empty when he's got something in it?
Yes: when he's got a big hole in it.

What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident?
Absence of body.

Melbourne, Hotham, Collingwood, Prahran, Richmond, Emerald Hill, and Cole's Book Arcade, all begins with an A.

Why is a penny like a black cat at Cole's Book Arcade?
Because it has a head and a tail.

Why is Cole's Book Arcade like a learned man?
Because it is well stocked with literature.

What is that which goes every morning at eight o'clock from the Post Office to Cole's Book Arcade, and every evening at six o'clock from the Parliament House to Cole's Book Arcade, without moving?
Bourke Street.

How many sides are there to Cole's Book Arcade?
Four. 1st, the right side; 2nd, the left side; 3rd, the outside; and 4th, the inside, where the 80,000 sorts of books are.

What are the oldest tops in the world?
Mountain tops.

Which is the oldest table in the world?
The multiplication table.

What kind of ship has two mates and no captain?
A courtship.

What is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?
A ditch.

What is that which one can divide, but cannot see where it has been divided?
Water.

What is that which gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor?
A draft.

What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on?
Warfare.

What vice is it that the greatest criminals shun?
Ad-vice.

What is that which is often found where it is not?
Fault.

What is that which we often catch hold of, and yet never see?
A passing remark.

What is that which is often brought to the table, often cut, but never eaten?
A pack of cards.

What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water?
A sponge.

What window in your house is like the sun?
The skylight.

What word is it of five letters, of which two being removed one only one will remain?
St-one.

What is that from which if the whole be taken some will remain?
The word "wholesome".

What word contains all the vowels in their proper order?
Facetious.

How would you express in one word having met a doctor of medicine?
Metaphysician.

Why is a nobleman like a book?
Because he has a title.

Why is the alphabet like the mail?
Because it consists of letters.

Why is a book like a tree?
Because it has many leaves.

The idea of a machine to go by perpetual motion is perpetual nonsense. Multitudes of boys and men have wasted much valuable time in trying to find it, but they never can, as it is contrary to natural laws, and therefore impossible; but one certainty of the future is, that a million useful flying machines will flit hither and thither; and one certainty of the present is, that while Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books, not a single person has yet been able to come to it for a supply in a flying machine.—Laggard inventors, think of this!

  N.B.—Cole once invented a flying machine, but it wouldn't work!

If a man has twenty sick (six) sheep and one of them dies, how many will remain?
Nineteen.

Can a leopard change his spots?
Yes: when he is tired of one spot he can go to another.

Why does a piebald pony never pay a toll?
Because his master pays it for him.

Where are you sure to find pity in the worst of misfortunes?
In the dictionary.

Where did the witch of Endor live?
At Endor.

What is most like a cat's tail?
A kitten's tail.

What is that which no other animal but a cat possesses?
Kittens.

What is the colour of a green-plot covered with snow?
Green.

When is a man not a man?
When he is a muff.

If a stone were thrown at you and fell into the water, what would it become?
Wet.

What is the oldest tree in Australia?
The Elder.

What trees bear the most fruit for the Market?
The axle-trees.

Why is a clock not wound up, like a mile-stone?
Because it stands still.

What is the easiest thing for a nigger to do?
Keep dark.

How can you make a currant cake without currants?
Put only one currant into it.

Which letters are never out of fashion?
F A S H I O N.

Why is your nose like St. Paul's?
Because it is flesh and blood.

Why do white sheep furnish more wool than the black ones?
Because there are more of them.

What makes a pair of boots?
Two.

What did Adam first plant in his garden?
His foot.

How can a boy make his jacket last?
By making his coat and waistcoat first.

She was plump and beautiful, and he was wildly fond of her; she hated him, yet woman-like, she strove to catch him. What was he?
He was a flea.

What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen dozen?
One is six gross and the other is six dozen.

What is that which a man can put into his right hand but never into his left?
His left elbow.

What is that which a man with two eyes cannot see with one?
T'other eye.

Spell and pronounce the word Pot, without saying Teapot?

Cautiously start a conversation about coins, and the ask, "Did you ever see any of those coins two of which make eighteen pence?"
Of course they will say "no"; then show them a shilling and a sixpence, and you "have" them.

Would you rather an elephant killed you or a gorilla?
Rather the elephant killed the gorilla.

There was a donkey on one side of a river and some hay on the other side. The donkey wanted the hay, but he couldn't swim over the river, jump over it, nor cross the bridge. How could he manage it? Do you give up? Yes.
Answer—That is what the other donkey did.

Repeat This With A Friend
1. I went up one pair of stairs; 2. Just like me.
1. I went up two pair of stairs; 2. Just like me.
1. I went into a room; 2. Just like me.
1. I looked out of a window; 2. Just like me.
1. And there I saw a donkey; 2. Just like me.

"Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascals ran a truly rural race." Repeat this five times quickly without a mistake and see what it will come to?

A room with eight corners had a cat in each corner seven cats before each cat and a cat on every cat's tail. What was the total number of cats?
Eight cats.

Speaking of persons who have educated themselves, I once knew a person who educated himself, and guess how the fellow spelt "Cat." You could not guess in a year?
Answer.—"Kat," No. "Catt," No. "Katt," No. Give it up? Yes. "Cat."

Why is a cow's tail like a swan's bosom?
Because it grows down.

When is a horse's head where it's tail should be?
When his tail is towards the manger.

What should a clergyman preach about?
About half-an-hour.

  Although I've neither legs not feet,
    I'm only useful when I go;
  I have no tongue, but yet I tell
    What hundreds want to know.
A watch.

  My sides are firmly laced about,
    Yet nothing have within;
  You'll find my head is straight indeed,
    'Tis nothing else but skin.
A drum.

Repeat This With A Friend
1. I am a gold lock; 2. I am a gold key.
1. I am a silver lock; 2. I am a silver key.
1. I am a brass lock; 2. I am a brass key.
1. I am a lead lock; 2. I am a lead key.
1. I am a monk lock; 2. I am a monk key.

Mind Your Punctuation

King Charles 1. spoke half-an-hour after his head was cut off.

  Every lady in this land
  Has twenty nails upon each hand
  Five and twenty hands and feet
  All this is true without deceit.

  I saw a peacock with fiery tail
    I saw a blazing comet drop down hail
  I saw a cloud wrapped with ivy round
    I saw an oak creep upon the ground
  I saw a monkey swallow up a whale
    I saw the sea brimful of ale
  I saw an ale glass full fifteen feet deep
    I saw a well full of men's tears that weep
  I saw red eyes all of a flaming fire
    I saw a house bigger than the moon and higher
  I saw the sun at twelve o'clock at night
    I saw the man that saw this wondrous sight.

Come hither my heart's darling, come sit upon my knee
And listen while I whisper a boon I ask of thee.
I felt a bitter craving—a dark and deep desire
That glows beneath my bosom like coals of kindled fire.
Nay, dearest, do not doubt me, though madly this I speak—
I feel thine arms about me, thy tresses on my cheek;
I know the sweet devotion that links thy heart with mine—
I know my soul's emotion is doubly felt by thine.

And deem not that a shadow has fallen across my love;
No, sweet, my love is shadowless as yonder heaven above.
Oh, then, do not deny me my first and fond request,
I pray thee, by the memory of all we cherish best—
By that great vow that made thee my darling and my bride;
Thou wilt not fail nor falter, but bend thee to the task.
Put buttons on my shirt love—that's all the boon I ask!

To the inhabitants of the World! Will be published shortly by E. W. COLE, if he can see his way clear, a volume containing all that has ever been written, said, or thought by mankind. Price 1s. Also, a second volume, containing all that has NOT been written, said, or thought by mankind. Price 1s.

If the work can be successfully be brought out it will be a VERY, VERY, instructive one, and place E. W. COLE at the head of the literary world. To secure a copy of this valuable work Orders should be sent without delay, to COLE'S Book Arcade, Melbourne; or, to the Branch Establishments, at Sydney or Adelaide.

He bought 25 geese at 5s each, and meant to ask 6s 3d each.

The language of flowers in pre-eminently the language of refined and modest Courtship; millions have conveyed a message by presenting a flower which they dare not have uttered in their mother tongue.

In some countries this "LANGUAGE OF LOVE" is extremely common in the words of the poet:

Thousands of pathetic tales could be told of the sufferings of poor dumb animals and the sympathy of some kind human souls for them. The following one is from the Secretary of a Humane Society:—

The wife of a small country farmer wrote to me: "I can't bear sending the cattle to market. I always keep out of the way, for every animal on the place knows me, and they look at me so sadly, and, knowing what they're going to, I feel sometimes that I'd rather give the whole thing up, than go on rearing them to be knocked about and killed.

"I went to the market once myself to see a young beast being sold, but I'll never go again. I had fed it with my own hands every day, till it was like a child. I went to the market-town by train, and the young bullock was driven by road. I walked a little way out to meet it, and at last met it coming tramping along, and the drover told me he had had the greatest difficulty to get it along the last few miles; it had become so tired. You see it had not had much exercise, as when you are fattening things, it does not do to let them run about too much, or they'll 'run all the meat off their bones' again, as the saying is.

"When I went to Smithfield, I was ready to faint as I saw the men shouting and swearing, and slashing away with thick sticks. The poor things were so confused and knocked about that they didn't know what to do, and I went up to the man who seemed to be in charge of the pens that our auctioneer was going to sell from, and asked him if he would be kind to my poor bullock when it came. He only cursed it an laughed a mocking laugh, and said, 'Oh, yes, ---- it, I'll be gentle with it. You wait, missis, and see! Do you think I'm here to coddle any ---- beasts? If you do, you're ---- well mistaken.'

"I couldn't bear to see what would happen. I couldn't stand it, so I went away, and then the men (dealers) simply stood and talked, and haggled with the farmers; and the drovers shouted and yelled, and hooted, and knocked the things about, and hit them on the nose and over the eyes, and poked and prodded them with sharp pointed sticks; and the dogs yapped and barked, and I never heard a single word of pity, or saw a sign of pity for the poor, tired, bruised, panting, and terrified creatures.

"It was a terribly hot day, and I wandered about the town all the afternoon, able to think of little else than of my poor bullock, and of what had become of it, when, as I was going to the station to my train, I met three or four cattle coming driven along. Suddenly one of them caught sight of me, and in spite of all the men could do came rushing up towards me. It was my poor bullock; but, oh, so terribly altered. I should hardly have known it.

"It seemed beside itself with joy to see me, and stood by me lowing so pitifully, as much as to say, 'Oh, I'm so glad I've found you! I know I'm safe now, and you won't let these awful men carry me off again'.

"At last they managed to get it to move on by flogging it savagely, and, heart-sick and conscience-smitten, I went to the station; and when I got the money that it was sold for it seemed to me like 'the price of blood.' But what can I do?

"I suppose the proper thing is to get hardened and to think nothing about it, like other people; but it is so dreadful that I can never go to market to see another of my poor beasts sold."

Miss Frances Power Cobbe gave herself, heart and soul, to the defence of the animals, not because she loved them more than human beings but because she could not bear to see the men acting so wickedly towards them, nor to hear the groans of the helpless victims.

In the account of her life, written by herself, she says: "It is not the four legs nor the silky or shaggy coat of a dog which should prevent us from discerning his inner nature of thought and love; limited thought, it is true, but an unlimited love. That he is dumb, is to me only another claim (as it would be in a human child) on my consideration... Another dog, whom I sent away at one year old to live in the country, was returned to me eight years afterwards old and diseased. The poor beast knew me again after a few moments' eager examination, and uttered an actual scream of joy when I called her by name, exhibiting every token of tender affection for me ever afterwards."

In her books entitled "Dogs whom I Have Met," she says: "The dog who really loves his master delights in mere propinquity, likes to lie down on the floor resting against his feet, better than on a cushion a yard away, and after a warm interchange of caresses for two or three minutes asks no more, and subsides into perfect contentment. That a short tender touch of the dog's tongue to hand or face corresponds exactly, as an expression of his feelings, to our kisses of affection, there can be no sort of doubt. All dogs kiss the people they love."

Tennyson, when on a visit to Miss Cobbe, bade her go bravely on as she had begun, and "fight the good fight," by which he meant the warfare against cruelty in which she was engaged. After his death it was sad to hear the wail of three dogs, a collie, a Scotch terrier, and a Russian wolf-hound, constant companions and friends of the poet. Thousands of dogs have pined, and died of grief, for their loved masters.

A Cadiz letter says: "Notice had been posted on all the public places that on a certain day the bull called 'El Moro' would be introduced into the arena, and that, when he should have been goaded to the utmost fury, a young girl would appear and reduce the animal to quiet subjection. The people of Cadiz had heard of 'El Moro' as the most magnificent bull ever brought into the city, and it soon became known that the girl just advertised was a peasant girl of Espara, who had petted the bull, and fed it and cared for it during the years of it's growth. On the appointed day the vast amphitheatre was filled with an anxious, eager crowd. Several bulls had been killed and dragged away, and then the flourish of trumpets announced the coming of the hero of the day. With a deep, terrific roar, 'El Moro' entered upon the scene. He was truly magnificent; a bovine monarch, black and glossy, with eyes of fire, dilating nostrils, and wicked-looking horns. The picadores attacked him warily, hurling their banderillos (small, dart-like javelins ornamented with ribbons, and intended to jade and infuriate). The bull had killed three horses offhand, and had received eight banderillos in his neck and shoulders, when, upon a given signal, the picadores and matadores suddenly withdrew leaving the infuriated beast alone in his wild paroxysm of wrath. Presently a soft musical note, like the piping of a lark, was heard, and directly afterwards a girl of not more than fifteen years of age, an the tasteful garb of an Andalusian peasant, and with a pretty face, sprang lightly into the arena, approaching the bull fearlessly, at the same time calling his name—'Moro! Moro! Va voy!' At the first sound of the sweet voice the animal ceased his fury, and turned towards the place whence it came, and, when he saw the girl, he plainly manifested pleasure. She came to his head, and put forth her hand, which he licked with his tongue. Then she sang a low, sweet song, at the same time caressing the animal by patting him on the forehead, and, while she sang, the suffering monarch kneeled at her feet. Then she stooped and gently removed the cruel banderillos, after which, with her arms around 'El Moro's' neck, she led him towards the gate of the torril."

The Kangaroo is the largest native animal in Australia. He is about 5 feet high when he sits up, he has a head somewhat like a rabbit's, his hands or fore feet are small but his hind feet are large, and he has a very thick tail. He can kick and tear with his sharp hind claws in a very dangerous manner. He frequently kills dogs with his claws, but, when he is chased by dogs, if he is near water he makes for it and often drowns the dogs if they come into the water after him. He leaps or hops about 15 feet at a time and goes very fast. The mother carries her young in a pouch, as seen in the picture, and when the baby kangaroos are frightened they run at once into their mother's pouch for safety, like any other babies running to their mother.

It is a wild Cat, generally brown or black with many large and small white spots on it. It lives on small animals, including birds and their eggs, and is a great pest to farmers, killing their poultry.

The Emu lives upon vegetable food such as fruits, roots, and grass. It has a great curiosity and is easily tamed. It is very inoffensive except when violently attacked; then it kicks like a horse. It is said that its kick will break a man's leg. Its flesh is eaten by the natives and is said to look and taste like beef. It can run very fast. It lays from 6 to 12 dark green coloured eggs and its young are pretty little striped things as in the above picture. It is, next to the Ostrich, the largest bird in the world, being 5 or 6 feet high, its colour is a mixture of grey and brown, and its voice has a low booming sound. It is generally coupled with the Kangaroo in the Australian Arms.

The Platypus is sometimes called the Water Mole. It is, perhaps, the most wonderful animal in the world in its combination, being part bird, part beast, part fish. It has a bill like a duck; five toes with claws and webbed feet; it is covered with thick glossy fur like a seal; it has cheek pouches like a monkey to keep it's food in; it lays two eggs, its voice resembles that of a young puppy, and the young platypuses play like puppies; it lives in rivers and makes burrows often 20 or 30 feet long; it feeds upon water insects, shell fish, etc.